Hey guys, new poster. Been suffering from a bit of a LTC so I thought I'd share my story, offer support, and get involved with people who are going through a similar experience.
Should of seen the warning signs coming really. Was using MDMA sensibly mid-last year. Never really bothered me at first, the comedowns were very mild. Had some great times.
Then I smashed about 5g in 3 days at a festival last August. Seriously stupid. The comedown off of that was severe, but still, I felt myself recovering after 3 weeks. Was taking it again later on in august, and the last day of August was when I took a pill (had always taken powder before).
Symptoms began appearing after that. I have been contending with a strong pulse throughout my body (I can feel it against my phone when I'm texting for example). It was really bad in the beginning, would keep me awake at night. I'm quite prone to anxiety (my mother is on anti-anxiety meds) and I went though a dark patch a few years ago which was caused by THC. Seems I'm really bad with drugs lol.
Foolishly, I continued my MDMA usage. September saw my first week back at university which had me on the powder every day for about 5 days. And at the end of September, 0.5g went in a single day during an all day festival.
I'm a stupid fucker lol.
What has really fucked me though was the sexual dysfunction. A week after the all day festival I went to see a girl I've been speaking to for months who lives on the other side of the country (I'm in the UK). Couldn't get it up. Disastrous time. Threw me into a huge cycle of depression and anxiety. Of course, I'd been feeling both of them at lower levels ever since my massive festival binge in August, but it was manageable. What happened with that girl hit me hard. Felt like I'd been robbed of my sexuality. Felt seriously fucked up.
I could go into huge details about what I've been through the last few months. What you've just read is very brief. The physical symptoms have included shakiness, strong pulse, massive surges of adrenaline when I'm falling asleep (kind of like brain zaps maybe? but without the zaps), really low pulse (40bpm), skipped heart beats. However, what I will say, is that for me, it has gotten better. The physical symptoms I've been experiencing have receded massively. Mentally, my depression and anxiety has also lessened a lot, though it seems to happen in waves. Some days I'll feel blessed for a bit, then I'll have a few days of darkness, then blessed again. However, the cycle seems to go that my blessed days feel more normal, and my dark days are less intimidating. I'm only happy I appear to have not fucked my heart up (had 2 ECGs early december which came back clear).
Now, onto some advice. Trust me guys, I have been to the gates of hell. Towards the end of November I went for a long walk in a park, looked up at the night sky, and felt like the universe was going to tear me apart. DEEP existential fear. My heart pulsating through my body. Truly an evil experience. It has put the fear of god in me. Theists don't seem so foolish to me now as what they did in the past.
I have tried A LOT of shit to make myself feel better. Here's what has worked, in order of importance.
1) Telling myself to man up and stop bitching. Simple as that. Sounds too good to be true I know, but sometimes you just have to remember that you are but a simple and imperfect organism in this universe. Act out what's natural. Forgive yourself for foolishness. Go with the flow. This is by far the most important thing. You are not important, so if you die right now, so what? You die. In 1 billions years, you, and everyone else who has ever existed, no matter how famous, powerful, important, or virtuous they were, will be in your boat. So stop worrying about it. Just do your thing.
2) EXERCISE. EXERCISE. EXERCISE. I've always been keen into this (my legs are like tree trunks lol, I can run for miles) but my regime has been upped in intensity. Aim to kill yourself. Aim to drop dead on the track. Aim to rip a hole in reality with your lifting. Trust me, if you've been tested and you're healthy, you won't die. But you WILL feel fucking awesome.
3) CBT. Here's a link
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm . There's some free PDFs on there that I recommend everyone reading this goes through. Whether you have issues or not. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has it's roots in Ancient Greek Stoic philosophy. It has been a very powerful weapon that I have used against my mental health issues caused by this LTC. It makes you think logically about your thoughts and feelings. It makes you go "oh look a thought, thats interesting, lets analyse it". It puts your thoughts and feelings under the spotlight, rather than your thoughts and feelings putting YOU on the spotlight. Gives you a sense of mastery. There's a quote I read somewhere, can't remember who to attribute it to, but it goes something like "curiosity is the death of anxiety". Basically, if you're anxious about something, learn about it. That includes your thoughts, your perceptions, your emotions, everything. Knowledge is power after all.
4) Caffeine. Probably won't work for everyone, but I am very tolerant to it. Has helped keep my energy levels high, which helps fight depression. Remember reading a study somewhere saying that women who drink more coffee suffer less with depression. Maybe that applies to men as well (I'm male). Still, it depends on your tolerance to caffeine. For me though, I love the happy coffee excitable feeling.
5) Gaming. Get yourself into a good FPS, something where you have to focus HARD. Or if you're not into gaming, just do something that requires a huge amount of focus.
6) NoFap. Just google it, this would require a thread on it's own. My longer streaks have coincided with big increases in mood. This is something for the guys, not sure if it would work for the ladies. Sexual abstinence works differently for each gender. This has worked for me because a lot of my problems came from the sexual dysfunction. Making myself horny as fuck makes me realise that I am actually still capable. However, if you're too fucked up to masturbate or have sex at all, I'd recommend forcing yourself if you can (don't worry if you can't though, it will return, trust me). But either way, pay attention to your sexuality. It is a VERY strong indicator of your wellbeing. Use it to drive you.
Lots of fruit when it comes to the diet. Personally I haven't seen much difference from adopting a super healthy regime vs not. The fruit seems to work though, lots of bananas, blueberries, apples, oranges. Feels good eating it. Makes me feel virile.
I would also say meditation but I find it really hard. Tbf I feel as though meditation is just CBT. Observing your thoughts, feelings. Taking away their emotional power. I'd recommend CBT over meditation any day, but everyones different and I really wish I could reach the bliss that some of these meditator guys go on about. Maybe I will one day, I struggled to meditate even when I was perfectly fine mentally. In fact if any of you guys have any meditation tips that would be appreciated.
Stay strong guys. It's late and I need sleep. Peace.
