MDMA - first time - Hippie Gets Loved Up
This happened two months ago. I am a middle aged artist/musician living in the hills of northern California, sort of a psychedelic back to the land situation. I've been intimately acquainted with all manner of substances. I've loved LSD and ganja for almost 40 years, since my childhood in Hawaii. In my early adulthood I had periods of addiction - alcohol, meth, cocaine, heroin. Since the late 80s I have been clean of all hard drugs.
The one substance that always escaped me was MDMA. I was on SSRIs for many years and had heard they interfere, so I never pursued it. I've been off the meds for six months now.
Recently two close musician friends - David and Kevin, both around 30 - began bringing molly back from the bay area (personal amounts). They rolled together a couple of times and described their experiences to me in glowing terms (both are experienced), and said this particular MDMA was exceptional. They urged me to roll with them. It didn't take much coaxing, as I had been studying and reading about it here and elsewhere.
I've always been a somewhat shy, reticent person - a loner. It's not always apparent from the outside, but a slight unease with people always caused me inner discomfort. I was curious to experience the empathogenic aspects of MDMA.
One Sunday afternoon they just showed up with a gram. It was a beautiful day, warm with intermittent spring showers. We eyeballed 150-200mg each and did thumbprints. It was 6:35 exactly.
At 7:00 I began to get first alerts, a surging energy from my hips up through my chest. As time went on, this feeling spread to my arms and head. It was a slight vibration, tingles. I felt the need to take deeeeep breaths, and each one felt better than the previous.
David had brought over his laptop and speakers with a subwoofer (my computer speakers are lame). He played some of the beats he's been working on. The music blew my mind! I was sitting with my back to the speakers and the sounds washed over my body like ocean waves, enveloping me. I was stunned by the quality of his work and HOW AMAZING IT SOUNDED. When the track ended I was speechless. I just looked at him and moaned, and they both cracked up laughing at me.
They seemed energized, dancing and walking around. During the fist hour I felt more dreamy and sedated. I sat rocking to the music, eyes closed in an almost dope-nod. I felt a bit hot - sweating, slightly nauseous, but beautiful nonetheless. Occasionally Kevin would quietly walk by and spray my face with rose water mist. I can't describe how good it felt - like I was in heaven.
It also was my first big empathic revelation. I thought how cool it was that he brought the rose water, and that he was intent on enhancing my experience. It was like they were giving me a special gift. I looked up at them as they danced and talked, and I felt true love for them both. It seems so cliche but there it was. Once in a while they'd ask me, "how's it going, T? you feelin' good?" and each time it gave me a surge of feeling loved and cared for. The three of us have been through a lot over the years - living the outlaw life so to speak. To me, these brothers are tried and true. I felt like the luckiest person on earth.
My dreamy state soon gave way to energy. I got up and paced to the music. I couldn't stop bobbing my head to the beat. Music was like candy! It was still light out and had just rained. We went out on the deck and looked out over the pristine forest. Everything was shimmering with droplets of water, swaying in the breeze.
We smoked tobacco out there and talked a long time - about our trials together, lost women, about all the people we love. Each person we mentioned would give me a rush of feeling. "Oooh yeah, Jennifer. I LOVE Jennifer." It was bittersweet, as if the love was almost painful. I was totally connected, and could see David and Kevin in a new way. It was like I was just realizing the miracle of our friendship, how rare and precious it is.
Then I played some of my songs. I hadn't listened to this stuff in weeks, and never on such good loud booming speakers. We danced and laughed and sprayed rose water and smoked ganja. I was so happy to hear my stuff so clear and loud. The bass was OWNING ME! I realized I'm on the right track, that my music is totally me. It was supremely satisfying.
After a couple of hours we did more, about a third the original dose. The rest of the night we talked and listened to increasingly loud music, which just got better and better.
So I guess I was rolling hard! Eye wiggles, teeth clenching - it all felt divine. Just to speak was pleasurable.
At some point late in the evening we were all talking at once and I suddenly felt not high anymore. It gave me a very uneasy feeling, similar to running out of coke or meth back in the day, a quiet despair. I didn't want it to end! But several minutes later I was again rolling hard. They explained to me how it comes in waves. I was happy to feel it again, but that despair feeling was a red flag in a way. I was very susceptible to cocaine and meth in my youth and it was hard to control. I could see myself having trouble resisting this substance as well.
I came down gradually but still felt great. They left late that night, and I sat up for a while reading about Picasso on the internet. Even that was fun and interesting!
The next day they came back over and we discussed the previous evening. I had a raging afterglow that lasted all day, so content and excited about my life. The following two days I felt iffy - slightly depressed, irritable. I half expected this, so took it in stride, trying to eat well and get plenty of vitamins and antioxidants.
The amazing thing was that after this depression subsided I went into some kind of second afterglow. I noticed that I was different out in public, more outgoing, almost eager to have encounters with strangers - not really like my usual self. I resolved to take advantage of this feeling. I'm convinced it's possible to change aspects of the self through awareness and action.
This was an important experience for me. I've found an additional powerful ally, not only for self exploration but exploration of the outside world. That's crucial for me. I need connection. I also believe this isn't necessarily just a young person's substance. I think people at my stage of life can benefit greatly from the clarity and depth of emotion. It has rocked my world, precipitating a renewed creative surge and a stronger connection to my family and friends. I'm happy to see renewed research being done these days, especially through MAPS.
I have thought a lot about molly but haven't craved it or felt the need to find it and do it again right away. That's a relief. I want to learn from the mistakes of others who abuse and then lose the magic - or worse. It seems it's precisely that magic that has healing qualities. I don't want to lose this.
I'm also looking forward to the candy flip. I'm an old hand with LSD and I think the combo will be perfect for me.
Thanks for reading. Bom Shiva!
This happened two months ago. I am a middle aged artist/musician living in the hills of northern California, sort of a psychedelic back to the land situation. I've been intimately acquainted with all manner of substances. I've loved LSD and ganja for almost 40 years, since my childhood in Hawaii. In my early adulthood I had periods of addiction - alcohol, meth, cocaine, heroin. Since the late 80s I have been clean of all hard drugs.
The one substance that always escaped me was MDMA. I was on SSRIs for many years and had heard they interfere, so I never pursued it. I've been off the meds for six months now.
Recently two close musician friends - David and Kevin, both around 30 - began bringing molly back from the bay area (personal amounts). They rolled together a couple of times and described their experiences to me in glowing terms (both are experienced), and said this particular MDMA was exceptional. They urged me to roll with them. It didn't take much coaxing, as I had been studying and reading about it here and elsewhere.
I've always been a somewhat shy, reticent person - a loner. It's not always apparent from the outside, but a slight unease with people always caused me inner discomfort. I was curious to experience the empathogenic aspects of MDMA.
One Sunday afternoon they just showed up with a gram. It was a beautiful day, warm with intermittent spring showers. We eyeballed 150-200mg each and did thumbprints. It was 6:35 exactly.
At 7:00 I began to get first alerts, a surging energy from my hips up through my chest. As time went on, this feeling spread to my arms and head. It was a slight vibration, tingles. I felt the need to take deeeeep breaths, and each one felt better than the previous.
David had brought over his laptop and speakers with a subwoofer (my computer speakers are lame). He played some of the beats he's been working on. The music blew my mind! I was sitting with my back to the speakers and the sounds washed over my body like ocean waves, enveloping me. I was stunned by the quality of his work and HOW AMAZING IT SOUNDED. When the track ended I was speechless. I just looked at him and moaned, and they both cracked up laughing at me.
They seemed energized, dancing and walking around. During the fist hour I felt more dreamy and sedated. I sat rocking to the music, eyes closed in an almost dope-nod. I felt a bit hot - sweating, slightly nauseous, but beautiful nonetheless. Occasionally Kevin would quietly walk by and spray my face with rose water mist. I can't describe how good it felt - like I was in heaven.
It also was my first big empathic revelation. I thought how cool it was that he brought the rose water, and that he was intent on enhancing my experience. It was like they were giving me a special gift. I looked up at them as they danced and talked, and I felt true love for them both. It seems so cliche but there it was. Once in a while they'd ask me, "how's it going, T? you feelin' good?" and each time it gave me a surge of feeling loved and cared for. The three of us have been through a lot over the years - living the outlaw life so to speak. To me, these brothers are tried and true. I felt like the luckiest person on earth.
My dreamy state soon gave way to energy. I got up and paced to the music. I couldn't stop bobbing my head to the beat. Music was like candy! It was still light out and had just rained. We went out on the deck and looked out over the pristine forest. Everything was shimmering with droplets of water, swaying in the breeze.
We smoked tobacco out there and talked a long time - about our trials together, lost women, about all the people we love. Each person we mentioned would give me a rush of feeling. "Oooh yeah, Jennifer. I LOVE Jennifer." It was bittersweet, as if the love was almost painful. I was totally connected, and could see David and Kevin in a new way. It was like I was just realizing the miracle of our friendship, how rare and precious it is.
Then I played some of my songs. I hadn't listened to this stuff in weeks, and never on such good loud booming speakers. We danced and laughed and sprayed rose water and smoked ganja. I was so happy to hear my stuff so clear and loud. The bass was OWNING ME! I realized I'm on the right track, that my music is totally me. It was supremely satisfying.
After a couple of hours we did more, about a third the original dose. The rest of the night we talked and listened to increasingly loud music, which just got better and better.
So I guess I was rolling hard! Eye wiggles, teeth clenching - it all felt divine. Just to speak was pleasurable.
At some point late in the evening we were all talking at once and I suddenly felt not high anymore. It gave me a very uneasy feeling, similar to running out of coke or meth back in the day, a quiet despair. I didn't want it to end! But several minutes later I was again rolling hard. They explained to me how it comes in waves. I was happy to feel it again, but that despair feeling was a red flag in a way. I was very susceptible to cocaine and meth in my youth and it was hard to control. I could see myself having trouble resisting this substance as well.
I came down gradually but still felt great. They left late that night, and I sat up for a while reading about Picasso on the internet. Even that was fun and interesting!
The next day they came back over and we discussed the previous evening. I had a raging afterglow that lasted all day, so content and excited about my life. The following two days I felt iffy - slightly depressed, irritable. I half expected this, so took it in stride, trying to eat well and get plenty of vitamins and antioxidants.
The amazing thing was that after this depression subsided I went into some kind of second afterglow. I noticed that I was different out in public, more outgoing, almost eager to have encounters with strangers - not really like my usual self. I resolved to take advantage of this feeling. I'm convinced it's possible to change aspects of the self through awareness and action.
This was an important experience for me. I've found an additional powerful ally, not only for self exploration but exploration of the outside world. That's crucial for me. I need connection. I also believe this isn't necessarily just a young person's substance. I think people at my stage of life can benefit greatly from the clarity and depth of emotion. It has rocked my world, precipitating a renewed creative surge and a stronger connection to my family and friends. I'm happy to see renewed research being done these days, especially through MAPS.
I have thought a lot about molly but haven't craved it or felt the need to find it and do it again right away. That's a relief. I want to learn from the mistakes of others who abuse and then lose the magic - or worse. It seems it's precisely that magic that has healing qualities. I don't want to lose this.
I'm also looking forward to the candy flip. I'm an old hand with LSD and I think the combo will be perfect for me.
Thanks for reading. Bom Shiva!
