Tommyboy
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2009
- Messages
- 14,260
Background Info: 23yrs old, have been on meds for anxiety for 4+ years, just weaning off of them now. I have been out of touch with reality since my anxiety got bad, and then the meds continued keeping me dull. I am an opiate guy, but only use them when I'm not away at school. I just drink like a fish at school.
So last night I called up somebody that I met on campus, that has E. Got it, and I went back to my room at 5:00 to plan out the night. Now i'm not gonna lie, I have done a fair amount of drinking, and drugs by myself and then met up with people afterwards. I would kinda get drunk/high then meet up with people and continue to drink (my friends dont do drugs).
So I had really bad anxiety before taking the pill, and my only plan had been to see this girl that is graduating and wanted to see me before she is gone. Text sent, awaiting response. Also, my friend had told me earlier that a girl that he was into was in a dance recital which equals girls with nice bodies in tights, dancing.... so that was appealing at well.
So at 5:45 I end up taking the pill, and waiting to see what the night had in store for me, and I was also fine with staying in. I began starting to feel a very slight amphetamine high (jaw clinching, back of brain tingling) but I also was feeling a little tired. After about 30 mins, my friend knocked on my door asking if I wanted to goto the dance recital. When I got up I felt a little tired and dizzy, but figured that I had to start moving around to get this stuff working. So I agreed to goto the dance recital, knowing that I could always meet the girl later, afterall it was only 6:30.
So me and my friend start walking over to meet our other friend and go over to the recital. I noticed while talking to my friend that I felt alot more "in touch" with the conversation and it was more amusing then usual.... So we are joking around after we got our friend and went to the recital, and they didn't know I had taken E, so just thought I was being funny as usual.
Now I am at the dance recital, we sit down and the light get dark.... I got a little nervous when it was pitch black, and when the spotlights went on the dancers it took my eyes a little while to adjust.... But the first dance was cool, it was 5 girls in cool colors with spotlights on them. It was all interpretive dancing, and I started to see deeper into the coreography. We had "review sheets" where we could write comments on each performance, but I'll get into that in a little bit.
Now the second act was on, and it was two girls dancing in synch to just soft piano music, but I could totally see into the story that they were portraying. At one point of the dance, the two girl went up to the back curtain and 1 of them started knocking on it (it was meant to be a door), and the other girl kept on pulling her away from the "door", now I was crying at the beauty of this, wondering why they were being denied entry to this door... Was it heaven? Was it somebodys heart? Well they continued to dance together, and at the end, they entered the door together, so either allowed into heaven, or proved their love... Either way, I turned to my friends telling them how deep it was. They thought I was joking around, but thats all I wrote on the comment sheet.
I didn't care much for the skit after that, but the following skit was just amazing.... It was one girl, in short tights, with a beautiful.... everything. Now I'm not artistic, although I used to play in band quite seriously, and could write music and be creative, but ever since my anxiety had gotten bad, that was all gone... But this girl was dancing fierce, like Shakira, yet soft and sensual. It was an amazing performance, and I encapsuled every ounce of beauty from this, truly seeing the beauty of a woman once again. Not just as "a piece of ass" but as a beautiful creation.
The rest of the skits couldn't compare, and it was over by 8. I had heard back from the original girl that I was trying to go out with, but went back to my room because my friend lives down the hall and was gonna tell me if he heard of an after-party where the dancers would be.
So I went into my room, and began listening to music. I didn't blast techno, or anything like that. I just played calm songs, that I have memories of. I often refer to them as "school-bus songs", since they are the first songs I remember hearing on the school-bus when I was younger. All of the different songs brought out different calming carefee memories of mine. Mostly cool summer nights, walking down the streets that had just been rained on, with street lights reflecting on the dark wet streets... the wind blowing, moving the leaves and the scent of the summer.
I felt true emotion again... Not the bullshit that I have been feeling for the passed 5 years... Not the half-ass emotion that I have to force myself to "feel"... This was raw emotion, the way it is supposed to be.
Well my report ends there pretty much, I just went to bed after listening to the music. However, I must say that I feel that taking that 1 pill was exactly what I needed. It is well over a day since I took it, and although I am not "rolling", my emotions are feeling like they should again. I was walking and it was windy and sunny, and I just felt it raw. Usually I'm too dulled out, and actually have to recognize oh its windy, oh its sunny etc.... I truly support MDMA as being brought back into psychiatric treatment. I do not intend on doing this drug again... Right now my brain is back where it should be, feeling emotion the way I am supposed to.
Also, I do not intend on going back to drinking the way I used to, or taking opiates when I get back home. My mind is in a better place now, so why mess with it.
I took this pill knowing that If I ended up doing nothing that night, that I would focus on bettering myself, and that is what I ended up doing.
So last night I called up somebody that I met on campus, that has E. Got it, and I went back to my room at 5:00 to plan out the night. Now i'm not gonna lie, I have done a fair amount of drinking, and drugs by myself and then met up with people afterwards. I would kinda get drunk/high then meet up with people and continue to drink (my friends dont do drugs).
So I had really bad anxiety before taking the pill, and my only plan had been to see this girl that is graduating and wanted to see me before she is gone. Text sent, awaiting response. Also, my friend had told me earlier that a girl that he was into was in a dance recital which equals girls with nice bodies in tights, dancing.... so that was appealing at well.
So at 5:45 I end up taking the pill, and waiting to see what the night had in store for me, and I was also fine with staying in. I began starting to feel a very slight amphetamine high (jaw clinching, back of brain tingling) but I also was feeling a little tired. After about 30 mins, my friend knocked on my door asking if I wanted to goto the dance recital. When I got up I felt a little tired and dizzy, but figured that I had to start moving around to get this stuff working. So I agreed to goto the dance recital, knowing that I could always meet the girl later, afterall it was only 6:30.
So me and my friend start walking over to meet our other friend and go over to the recital. I noticed while talking to my friend that I felt alot more "in touch" with the conversation and it was more amusing then usual.... So we are joking around after we got our friend and went to the recital, and they didn't know I had taken E, so just thought I was being funny as usual.
Now I am at the dance recital, we sit down and the light get dark.... I got a little nervous when it was pitch black, and when the spotlights went on the dancers it took my eyes a little while to adjust.... But the first dance was cool, it was 5 girls in cool colors with spotlights on them. It was all interpretive dancing, and I started to see deeper into the coreography. We had "review sheets" where we could write comments on each performance, but I'll get into that in a little bit.
Now the second act was on, and it was two girls dancing in synch to just soft piano music, but I could totally see into the story that they were portraying. At one point of the dance, the two girl went up to the back curtain and 1 of them started knocking on it (it was meant to be a door), and the other girl kept on pulling her away from the "door", now I was crying at the beauty of this, wondering why they were being denied entry to this door... Was it heaven? Was it somebodys heart? Well they continued to dance together, and at the end, they entered the door together, so either allowed into heaven, or proved their love... Either way, I turned to my friends telling them how deep it was. They thought I was joking around, but thats all I wrote on the comment sheet.
I didn't care much for the skit after that, but the following skit was just amazing.... It was one girl, in short tights, with a beautiful.... everything. Now I'm not artistic, although I used to play in band quite seriously, and could write music and be creative, but ever since my anxiety had gotten bad, that was all gone... But this girl was dancing fierce, like Shakira, yet soft and sensual. It was an amazing performance, and I encapsuled every ounce of beauty from this, truly seeing the beauty of a woman once again. Not just as "a piece of ass" but as a beautiful creation.
The rest of the skits couldn't compare, and it was over by 8. I had heard back from the original girl that I was trying to go out with, but went back to my room because my friend lives down the hall and was gonna tell me if he heard of an after-party where the dancers would be.
So I went into my room, and began listening to music. I didn't blast techno, or anything like that. I just played calm songs, that I have memories of. I often refer to them as "school-bus songs", since they are the first songs I remember hearing on the school-bus when I was younger. All of the different songs brought out different calming carefee memories of mine. Mostly cool summer nights, walking down the streets that had just been rained on, with street lights reflecting on the dark wet streets... the wind blowing, moving the leaves and the scent of the summer.
I felt true emotion again... Not the bullshit that I have been feeling for the passed 5 years... Not the half-ass emotion that I have to force myself to "feel"... This was raw emotion, the way it is supposed to be.
Well my report ends there pretty much, I just went to bed after listening to the music. However, I must say that I feel that taking that 1 pill was exactly what I needed. It is well over a day since I took it, and although I am not "rolling", my emotions are feeling like they should again. I was walking and it was windy and sunny, and I just felt it raw. Usually I'm too dulled out, and actually have to recognize oh its windy, oh its sunny etc.... I truly support MDMA as being brought back into psychiatric treatment. I do not intend on doing this drug again... Right now my brain is back where it should be, feeling emotion the way I am supposed to.
Also, I do not intend on going back to drinking the way I used to, or taking opiates when I get back home. My mind is in a better place now, so why mess with it.
I took this pill knowing that If I ended up doing nothing that night, that I would focus on bettering myself, and that is what I ended up doing.
