Mental Health MDMA induced psychosis

[yungtwitch]

Hi, I really need help, I think I have induced psychosis on myself. It all started in early december about 4 months ago. I had been suffering from really bad depersonalisation an derealzation since about october and I also suffer from OCD. I would make this post longer, but after incident my ability to plan write and focus has been severely limited. To the point where even writing a simple paragraph or focusing hard enough to watch a film. Is impossible. I am on the verge of dropping out of the course I am doing. And have spent the majority of the last 3 months in bed. limiting my appearances in public and trying to hide what has happened from friends. Only my parents know the full extent of how bad it has gotten. I have taken MDMA many times before an never have I had a reaction like this, although thinking back, I have always had more adverse reactions and come downs than my friends. My memories are shot and cannot remember anything in a linear fashion. I have not really got emotions anymore, and seem incapable of feeling exetremly sad and overcome with emotion or happy no matter how hard I try. I cannot organze my thoughts, and have lack of motivation or can't seem to follow things through, I have been trying to tidy my room. For the Last two months and cannot even seem to muster the strength and organzation to do that. My speach has become bumbly and disorganized and cannot seem to finish sentences or even thoughts properly. I also get weakness in one side of my body, the left side, and uncontrolable twitching in the left side of my body as well as pusling very bad headaches and pains in the temples and ringing the roof of my mouth.
my thoughts seem to go round in circles and have no control over them, and thinking about anything new that takes cognitive ability just hurts and is extremely hard. Even simple tasks I am now incapable of, its like being disabled. I also seem to lost the ability to laugh at anything or find anything funny whatsoever. It fucking sucks.

I thought this would wear off at least somewhat, but nothing has changed in four months except the pain splitting headaches have subsided somewhat but apart from that nada. I used to be a fun loving, fairly witty guy who loved to read and write and was on his way to getting into a good uni after years of depression when my brother died. Now it all seems to have been destroyed in one foul swoop. I cannot even write a fucking paragraph properly anymore and this is proof. I am exetremly depressed because of this all and regularly think of killing myself, my only hope is I can somehow get back to fucking normal. It has become so hard hiding this from everyone around my as well as trying to continue to do work and project a image of normality. My Twin brother died of a drug overdose, and I suffer from OCD, the causes of which are none to be serotonin related. Why I was stupid enough to ignore these warning lights I don't know, and this has only just happened now is miricle because it seems like everytime I did this drug I was rolling a dice, but I am where I am. I don't know what to do, and how to move forwards from here. but If anyone has been through anything similiar, or even better has been through something like this and managed to return to normal, please for the love of god can you give me some advice on how to cope and how to help myself. Thank you.

 

[herbavore]

^ I would second not self-medicating with anything. But perhaps before going to a psychiatrist you should see a GP and talk to them about the full extent of your symptoms because what if they are not all related to the mdma? At least get thoroughly checked out before trying prescribed drugs.

One of the things I have seen quite a bit here on Bluelight is the terror that people experience when they feel a drug has permanently or semi-permanently altered their brain/body. It feeds on itself and there is a kind of fatalism as well as a hyper-awareness of every negative sensation, state of mind etc fitting into the perceived pattern. I am not saying that you are imagining things or that you are not experiencing fallout from the effects of a drug. I am just cautioning you that our thoughts shape reality so try to really be careful about how you think about what is happening. Simply inserting the phrase "right now" into your thinking may help you heal. In other words, instead of saying "I can no longer organize my thoughts" you could try to say, "Right now my thoughts are not linear and it is unsettling." It's a subtle difference but I say it in all seriousness, not to trivialize in any way.

Losing your twin brother has been a profound loss. Perhaps grief is still talking to you. I lost my son almost 5 years ago. My mind was obliterated and I am still re-learning how to live with such a loss. There are many gifts that can come from allowing the full extent of your sadness to be present in your life. We are taught to buck up and carry on mostly to preserve others from having discomfort. Our society does not make it easy for people to actually feel, nor does it make it easy to be in the presence of someone feeling pain of any kind. I wish you and your family the best in this.

Stay away from all drugs, eat a very healthy diet and look into things that nurture self-acceptance like meditation or simply mindful thinking. OCD is an anxiety about control. Accepting that life presents us with many things that are out of our control and learning to be at ease with that can be the path to a peaceful existence.