PassMeTheVicks
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 18, 2000
- Messages
- 1,093
What I did was very stupid and careless. I blame myself for what happend to me and to some extent I feel I deserved what happend, although I now regret it. I think to get the best background on me, would be reading Alex's report in the Addiction+Habituation section of Erowids MDMA trip reports. In short, I had been engulfed by a depression/tolerance/addiction to these wonderful yet danegrous beans. A shitty night out would be 4 pills, and a good one would be in the area of 7+.
11:00pm -I had rolled on the previous friday and saturday on a total of 8 beans for both days, as well as average amounts of AMT that same weekend. It was now a Tuesday, and i had just purchased a 50pack to make a little bit of bread. I also happend to be in that shitty mid-week mood that high-dose weekends put me in. So I decide in trying out my new batch and drop 2 Rolexes and start watching Blue Streak on VHS. The come up was quick but quite soft, and the rolls never seemed to reach a peak. After about 1.25hrs after dropping, I could concentrate and make the roll go completely away. I got kinda sketchy about the potency of the beans, and kinda got pissed at my hook up. So I decided to drop another 2 of a different kind (red VW's). These came on a little stronger and actually got me started. So Im all happy and shit, so I decided to make the first 2 beans worth the $ (stupid move #1), and I dropped another 2 red VWs shortly after the second dosage. Boom, at this point im on 6 beans, and rolling pretty hard, home alone, goin all crazy on the livin room couch massaging my self, u know the deal. After that peak started to wear off, I irresponsibly went and dropped another 4 more at a time, in search for that same level of peak. At which never came back up like the previous one. At this point my brain had flushed out all the possible serotonin available. And those 4 beans (dose #3) never came up quite as hard as the second dosing.
Here's where I really fucked up (and I suspect it was quite suicidal, which I have come to realize i actually tried to kill myself, as I repeated myself over and over "I hate myself" in a joking manner as I went for 4 more beans)I ate 4 more beans at a time... At this point I had eaten 16 beans and it was 5:15am. None of my room mate where home yet, and I was still in the quest for that intense peak the second dose gave me.
An hour after that last dose, the beans never came up. Just like the 3rd dose, although I was rolling. Here's where it got scary. You know that smell the air has when someone makes you breathe 10 times as hard as you can and then they press your enck veins real hard until you pass out and trip balls for 10 seconds? Well thats how it smelled, but it was a constant thing and felt kinda cool for the first 2 minutes, similar hallucinations accompanied. But as it wouldnt go away i got kinda scared. Sections of my body and face would sporadically go numb(similar to ether), and felt tingly sensations all over, predominantly on my left side of my body. As well as racing heartbeat. The more I breathed, the higher I got, and the more numb and the more I would hallucinate. I would see black spots and black wires floating in the air.
I went to the bathroom as the alarm bells were goin off in my head. I tried to sober myself up as hard as I could, but the damage was done, and it would not go away. I tried to rub this nasty feeling off of my scalp, off of me, out of me, by drinink water and pissing. But it was obvious, the drug was in me and there was nothing i could do now. In the reflection of the bathroom mirror, I saw the devil himself (in the reflection of myself) taking me down to hell with him, as the last thing I did before I died, was sin in the activity of such a forbidden and selfish pleasure such as rolling, and rolling alone just for the sake of feelind pleasure.
I go to my bedroom and sit on my bed, trying to set a CD in my small CD/clock radio. My motor skills were clumsy as hell, blotches of my view would dissapear as if spots in my sensory system were just not there to capture the information entering my CNS. As well as time distortion, represented by split second lapses where my "existence" ceased to exist (so my brain thought, as it couldnt figure out a way to account for those lapses, I suspect this was a cognitive problem)... thats when I said 'oh, shit" and actually convinced myself I was struggling to stay alive and not give up to death. No matter how much I tried to keep my eyes open, it wasnt a matter of seeing, it was a matter of being aware of sensory input and control of awakened conciousness. I couldnt decide whether to ignore this shit was happening and just let destiny take care of my life (after all, i still wanted to just get away from the shitty life I was going thru) But remembering what I saw in the mirror about the devil, thats when I went to my female roommate, who happend to come in at about 6:30am from partying (thank you God!)... It was hard to speak, and was able to construct the sentence "soemthings wrong, i need to see a doctor". She knew i was rolling as she saw me rolling in the living room when she came in. She knew I wasnt playing around. She took me to the nearest hospital, where it took us about 30min to get there plus another 30 minutes of waiting and walking from the time we found parking. My left side was weaker and as we walked to the ER. Walking was weird, my left foot would just -fall in place. It was like a semi-dead leg. Kinda like having the calf portion on the leg below the knee being a prosthetic leg. This detail had me extremely worried and I was hoping I didnt end up paralyzed for good. After the nurse saw me and everything, they gave me their full attention and put me in an ER room, hooked up to a sodium IV and put damp towels all over me. I had a mild fever. They asked me if I had mixed any K, coke, whatever. I said no, since I hadn't. The docs were very worried and beleived I had had a stroke. All kinds of blood tests were done and I was seen by several doctors.
After about 6 hours, I had gone thru a CAT scan who according to them came back "OK", (i suspected they wanted to discharge me when I said I had NO MED Insurance)... but my left side hadnt recovered completely by 4pm that next day, so they took me to the MRI scan. I felt alot safer knowing I would leave the hospital with MRI records, as opposed to a CAT scan alone. Supposedly MRI came back OK, I left the hospital 3 days later, after being seen by neurologists, the heart people, etc.
I am now fully recovered, I finally confesed to my mom about the incident, I told her I had done it once before, and that I did it again only to kill myself (which in part is true, she really doesnt need to know about the MDMA induced depression). The following days, I would very rarely, but still sometiems feel my middle and index finger on my left hand get warmer. And blotches of my skin in the left side of my scalp and neck felt kinda numbed out (similar to when u place ice on your skin for a while, but without the coldness). Now im all ok, very grateful to God, trying to find better friends and trying to get away from the whole scene, although its not as easy. I havent done any drugs, and im dying to smoke some weed atleast.
My final words to those people who are habituated to beans: if you just become careless about what happens and choose to just die rolling, its a scary ride and Id go for some other method, if any at all. The battle I had with death was not a fun one. I had a foot in the doorstep and its not a place id like anyone to experience. For those who are newbies at the drug, take this advice seriously: habituation DOES IN FACT lead to depression, think about it. You are dealing with neurotransmitters that are in charge with your mood, for which meds like Prozac are mad for! Its real, i didnt take it too seriously, and found myself rolling to combat the depression, which of course followed by another depression. It becomes a cycle. Be careful everyone!
Taz-
Special thanks to the ER crew, and also to our wonderful God.
[Edit: I changed the original title (**-MDMA overdose-** WARNING sings) so it would fit forum guidelines and be more descriptive. -C22]
[ 19 May 2002: Message edited by: Catch-22 ]
11:00pm -I had rolled on the previous friday and saturday on a total of 8 beans for both days, as well as average amounts of AMT that same weekend. It was now a Tuesday, and i had just purchased a 50pack to make a little bit of bread. I also happend to be in that shitty mid-week mood that high-dose weekends put me in. So I decide in trying out my new batch and drop 2 Rolexes and start watching Blue Streak on VHS. The come up was quick but quite soft, and the rolls never seemed to reach a peak. After about 1.25hrs after dropping, I could concentrate and make the roll go completely away. I got kinda sketchy about the potency of the beans, and kinda got pissed at my hook up. So I decided to drop another 2 of a different kind (red VW's). These came on a little stronger and actually got me started. So Im all happy and shit, so I decided to make the first 2 beans worth the $ (stupid move #1), and I dropped another 2 red VWs shortly after the second dosage. Boom, at this point im on 6 beans, and rolling pretty hard, home alone, goin all crazy on the livin room couch massaging my self, u know the deal. After that peak started to wear off, I irresponsibly went and dropped another 4 more at a time, in search for that same level of peak. At which never came back up like the previous one. At this point my brain had flushed out all the possible serotonin available. And those 4 beans (dose #3) never came up quite as hard as the second dosing.
Here's where I really fucked up (and I suspect it was quite suicidal, which I have come to realize i actually tried to kill myself, as I repeated myself over and over "I hate myself" in a joking manner as I went for 4 more beans)I ate 4 more beans at a time... At this point I had eaten 16 beans and it was 5:15am. None of my room mate where home yet, and I was still in the quest for that intense peak the second dose gave me.
An hour after that last dose, the beans never came up. Just like the 3rd dose, although I was rolling. Here's where it got scary. You know that smell the air has when someone makes you breathe 10 times as hard as you can and then they press your enck veins real hard until you pass out and trip balls for 10 seconds? Well thats how it smelled, but it was a constant thing and felt kinda cool for the first 2 minutes, similar hallucinations accompanied. But as it wouldnt go away i got kinda scared. Sections of my body and face would sporadically go numb(similar to ether), and felt tingly sensations all over, predominantly on my left side of my body. As well as racing heartbeat. The more I breathed, the higher I got, and the more numb and the more I would hallucinate. I would see black spots and black wires floating in the air.
I went to the bathroom as the alarm bells were goin off in my head. I tried to sober myself up as hard as I could, but the damage was done, and it would not go away. I tried to rub this nasty feeling off of my scalp, off of me, out of me, by drinink water and pissing. But it was obvious, the drug was in me and there was nothing i could do now. In the reflection of the bathroom mirror, I saw the devil himself (in the reflection of myself) taking me down to hell with him, as the last thing I did before I died, was sin in the activity of such a forbidden and selfish pleasure such as rolling, and rolling alone just for the sake of feelind pleasure.
I go to my bedroom and sit on my bed, trying to set a CD in my small CD/clock radio. My motor skills were clumsy as hell, blotches of my view would dissapear as if spots in my sensory system were just not there to capture the information entering my CNS. As well as time distortion, represented by split second lapses where my "existence" ceased to exist (so my brain thought, as it couldnt figure out a way to account for those lapses, I suspect this was a cognitive problem)... thats when I said 'oh, shit" and actually convinced myself I was struggling to stay alive and not give up to death. No matter how much I tried to keep my eyes open, it wasnt a matter of seeing, it was a matter of being aware of sensory input and control of awakened conciousness. I couldnt decide whether to ignore this shit was happening and just let destiny take care of my life (after all, i still wanted to just get away from the shitty life I was going thru) But remembering what I saw in the mirror about the devil, thats when I went to my female roommate, who happend to come in at about 6:30am from partying (thank you God!)... It was hard to speak, and was able to construct the sentence "soemthings wrong, i need to see a doctor". She knew i was rolling as she saw me rolling in the living room when she came in. She knew I wasnt playing around. She took me to the nearest hospital, where it took us about 30min to get there plus another 30 minutes of waiting and walking from the time we found parking. My left side was weaker and as we walked to the ER. Walking was weird, my left foot would just -fall in place. It was like a semi-dead leg. Kinda like having the calf portion on the leg below the knee being a prosthetic leg. This detail had me extremely worried and I was hoping I didnt end up paralyzed for good. After the nurse saw me and everything, they gave me their full attention and put me in an ER room, hooked up to a sodium IV and put damp towels all over me. I had a mild fever. They asked me if I had mixed any K, coke, whatever. I said no, since I hadn't. The docs were very worried and beleived I had had a stroke. All kinds of blood tests were done and I was seen by several doctors.
After about 6 hours, I had gone thru a CAT scan who according to them came back "OK", (i suspected they wanted to discharge me when I said I had NO MED Insurance)... but my left side hadnt recovered completely by 4pm that next day, so they took me to the MRI scan. I felt alot safer knowing I would leave the hospital with MRI records, as opposed to a CAT scan alone. Supposedly MRI came back OK, I left the hospital 3 days later, after being seen by neurologists, the heart people, etc.
I am now fully recovered, I finally confesed to my mom about the incident, I told her I had done it once before, and that I did it again only to kill myself (which in part is true, she really doesnt need to know about the MDMA induced depression). The following days, I would very rarely, but still sometiems feel my middle and index finger on my left hand get warmer. And blotches of my skin in the left side of my scalp and neck felt kinda numbed out (similar to when u place ice on your skin for a while, but without the coldness). Now im all ok, very grateful to God, trying to find better friends and trying to get away from the whole scene, although its not as easy. I havent done any drugs, and im dying to smoke some weed atleast.
My final words to those people who are habituated to beans: if you just become careless about what happens and choose to just die rolling, its a scary ride and Id go for some other method, if any at all. The battle I had with death was not a fun one. I had a foot in the doorstep and its not a place id like anyone to experience. For those who are newbies at the drug, take this advice seriously: habituation DOES IN FACT lead to depression, think about it. You are dealing with neurotransmitters that are in charge with your mood, for which meds like Prozac are mad for! Its real, i didnt take it too seriously, and found myself rolling to combat the depression, which of course followed by another depression. It becomes a cycle. Be careful everyone!
Taz-
Special thanks to the ER crew, and also to our wonderful God.
[Edit: I changed the original title (**-MDMA overdose-** WARNING sings) so it would fit forum guidelines and be more descriptive. -C22]
[ 19 May 2002: Message edited by: Catch-22 ]
(yours and millions minds)
