Xenoc
Bluelighter
- Amphetamines : unknown (large) amount over 4 days prior to experience.
- MDMA ~19 pills over ~5 hours.
- Nitrous Oxide : whippets, quantity unknown.
- Zopiclone (sleeping pill) : 1 tablet
To begin the story, my work is very intense at times. During some phases, I have often had to work 85-100 hour weeks in order to meet deadlines. As I’m sure many could guess, amphetamine abuse to achieve these superhuman hours was common. At the time of this experience, I had been up for what I estimate to be approximately 4 days. However, I will say that my knowledge of the event is very spotty.. much of what I will say in the following paragraphs is pieced together from the information I have received from others.
Anyway, this experience occurred while I was out of town visiting a friend… at his apartment. The timeline of what happened is very mismatched in my head, but I will point out that the most noticeable negative symptom that I recall were basically mini schizophrenic episodes, something I’d describe as being in two places at once, or more accurately flipping between two or more realities involuntarily, which, from what I’m told, resulted in me saying some very strange stuff to my friends at inappropriate times. Often I would ramble about “rows” and “columns”, and then pop back into reality and demand to know how long I had been “gone.” In actuality, these were a few seconds at a time, but they felt like individual eternities.
Despite the fact that there were many different substances playing a part in this disaster, all my research leads me to believe the substance at fault is MDMA. I know I took a much higher dose than I ever have before, although I do not remember doing so. What my friends and I deduced is that I was taking it and then forgetting I took it, taking more, forgetting I took it, taking it… ad infinitum. It was very common at this point for me to completely lose track of short-term memory. At some point I took a sleeping pill, Zopiclone, which is chemically similar to Ambien (Zolpidem)… I would say this did nothing but worsen the situation if anything.
This was nothing, however, compared to what was about to happen… I was pretty much worthless, at least from a judgment standpoint, at this time. I should have gone to sleep, I’m sure, but I don’t even remember considering sleep an option.
It seemed like a 15 minute window, but who knows… I was okay, albeit rolling and stupid and exhibiting distinctly schizophrenic behavior, but otherwise okay… Periodically I noticed distinct, bizarre hallucinations of a nature that I have never experienced before… scrambling text on a computer monitor is what I most distinctly remember… almost as if I had become dyslexic. I was somewhat disturbed by this, merely because I was still lucid enough to realize that MDMA did not usually have this effect on me. Otherwise, I was relatively calm… and then suddenly, I was seeing bugs everywhere. First a few under the table, scurrying around, then I noticed they were all over the place, all distinctly looking and behaving differently. There were hundreds of them, around every corner, on every surface… every object morphed into some sort of potentially malicious insect. This was something I managed to endure for several hours before really freaking out… I knew it wasn’t real, but it was so visually terrifying that it was hard to keep my cool. The turning point was upon doing a whippet (nitrous oxide)… like I said, my judgment was gone. I had felt my sanity slipping and for some reason I thought nitrous would help… who knows why.
I recall watching the spiders on the bed nearby as I inhaled the gas… and as soon as I felt the whippet, I watched them begin to multiply and spawn and grow larger and move faster. I ripped the balloon out of my mouth and started smacking the bed with it, I’m told… it was at this point was when my sense of reality started to slip. Side note: In retrospect I should’ve realized that disassociatives substances, like Nitrous Oxide, have a tendency to rapidly exacerbate already aberrational brain chemistry.
On a side note, I have had other hallucinogenic experiences… I think anyone who has knows the dream-like quality of most drug-induced trips… each substance is distinct, but as far as memories go, this is one often clear way to distinguish drug-induced experiences from reality. The noteworthy element of this experience was its *utter lack* of the dreamlike feeling. There was literally no deviation from reality that could provide any sort of indication that what I was seeing was not real. It looked real, it felt real, and my mind regards it as real, despite the fact that I know it wasn’t. I have never experienced such interactive hallucinations, for I could pick up these bugs, throw them, rip them in half, watch them squirm as I stepped on them, even communicate with them to an extent. This was a psychotic episode, probably most characteristic of a case of amphetamine psychosis. This type of psychosis is often clinically described as short-term paranoid schizophrenia, which basically describes my experience perfectly.
Anyway, it was clear from this point forward that the frightening nature of my surroundings was directly correlated with how frightened I was. It got progressively worse as I got more and more terrified… at a certain point I would actually say I went into shock, for I had come to terms with watching spiders grow out of my skin as something I could not do anything about, and was “beyond fear” if that makes any sense. I had not become desensitized, but the opposite, activating the body’s natural defense mechanisms, which turned off my sensation of acute terror, and almost defaulted to instinctual behavior, which was, to say the least, not a good thing at all.
The experience continued to intensify. I know there are many incidents that my mind has suppressed. I have learned of these from those who were following me around the apartment as I sprayed clear coat paint all over the place (thinking I was killing bugs with bug spray) and yelled nonsensical things about “them” choosing me, and why “they’ wouldn’t leave me alone, etc.. Presumably I was referring to the spiders, but I am unsure, for I have little memory of this. I recall that I started to see ghost-like figures, stationary, watching me, some menacing, some not.
The general theme of the experience was basically as such: No matter what I did or where I hid… there was something terrifying right there with me, and these things became increasingly awful. There was no safety, not even in my girlfriend’s arms, who I apparently pushed forcefully into a wall because I saw a bug with wings on her back. I have literally no memory of this at all, but she was scared to be around me after that, from what she told me, and who can blame her, really.
This is not to say that there wasn’t an element of fascination to all of this. No drug I’ve taken could ever rival this sort of trip… if one could harness the contents of my subconscious and make them into a movie, they’d have an instant blockbuster. I saw horrors that made Aliens seem like a movie for children..
Eventually, I was taken to the hospital… It had been approximately eight hours of pure terror. I no longer could make the distinction between reality and psychosis-induced visuals. I spent several minutes trying to convince the doctor there was a worm growing out of my leg. Oddly enough, I calmed down in the hospital and the visions started to disappear. Upon regaining a bit of my sanity, I realized that I had thought these delusions were real, but I couldn’t figure out how I had convinced myself of this. It was a very peculiar and disturbing feeling.
Sleep was all I needed, I guess. I slept for 3 hours in the hospital bed, and upon waking up the visuals were basically gone.
This experience will never leave me, however. It’s been almost a year and I still harbor paranoid fears of insects and spiders. From what I understand, this may be with me my whole life… but it really isn’t bad enough to inhibit my ability to live… just enough to never let me forget. The experience wasn't quite *far* enough from reality to be easily left behind, cognitively. I would have rather experienced a total reality-destruction, because that would be easier to subconsciously percieve as drug-induced. Regardless of the fact that logically I know this was not reality, my subconscious *clearly* regards it that way. I’m wary of ever touching E again... no euphoria could ever be worth repeating this kind of waking nightmare.
- MDMA ~19 pills over ~5 hours.
- Nitrous Oxide : whippets, quantity unknown.
- Zopiclone (sleeping pill) : 1 tablet
To begin the story, my work is very intense at times. During some phases, I have often had to work 85-100 hour weeks in order to meet deadlines. As I’m sure many could guess, amphetamine abuse to achieve these superhuman hours was common. At the time of this experience, I had been up for what I estimate to be approximately 4 days. However, I will say that my knowledge of the event is very spotty.. much of what I will say in the following paragraphs is pieced together from the information I have received from others.
Anyway, this experience occurred while I was out of town visiting a friend… at his apartment. The timeline of what happened is very mismatched in my head, but I will point out that the most noticeable negative symptom that I recall were basically mini schizophrenic episodes, something I’d describe as being in two places at once, or more accurately flipping between two or more realities involuntarily, which, from what I’m told, resulted in me saying some very strange stuff to my friends at inappropriate times. Often I would ramble about “rows” and “columns”, and then pop back into reality and demand to know how long I had been “gone.” In actuality, these were a few seconds at a time, but they felt like individual eternities.
Despite the fact that there were many different substances playing a part in this disaster, all my research leads me to believe the substance at fault is MDMA. I know I took a much higher dose than I ever have before, although I do not remember doing so. What my friends and I deduced is that I was taking it and then forgetting I took it, taking more, forgetting I took it, taking it… ad infinitum. It was very common at this point for me to completely lose track of short-term memory. At some point I took a sleeping pill, Zopiclone, which is chemically similar to Ambien (Zolpidem)… I would say this did nothing but worsen the situation if anything.
This was nothing, however, compared to what was about to happen… I was pretty much worthless, at least from a judgment standpoint, at this time. I should have gone to sleep, I’m sure, but I don’t even remember considering sleep an option.
It seemed like a 15 minute window, but who knows… I was okay, albeit rolling and stupid and exhibiting distinctly schizophrenic behavior, but otherwise okay… Periodically I noticed distinct, bizarre hallucinations of a nature that I have never experienced before… scrambling text on a computer monitor is what I most distinctly remember… almost as if I had become dyslexic. I was somewhat disturbed by this, merely because I was still lucid enough to realize that MDMA did not usually have this effect on me. Otherwise, I was relatively calm… and then suddenly, I was seeing bugs everywhere. First a few under the table, scurrying around, then I noticed they were all over the place, all distinctly looking and behaving differently. There were hundreds of them, around every corner, on every surface… every object morphed into some sort of potentially malicious insect. This was something I managed to endure for several hours before really freaking out… I knew it wasn’t real, but it was so visually terrifying that it was hard to keep my cool. The turning point was upon doing a whippet (nitrous oxide)… like I said, my judgment was gone. I had felt my sanity slipping and for some reason I thought nitrous would help… who knows why.
I recall watching the spiders on the bed nearby as I inhaled the gas… and as soon as I felt the whippet, I watched them begin to multiply and spawn and grow larger and move faster. I ripped the balloon out of my mouth and started smacking the bed with it, I’m told… it was at this point was when my sense of reality started to slip. Side note: In retrospect I should’ve realized that disassociatives substances, like Nitrous Oxide, have a tendency to rapidly exacerbate already aberrational brain chemistry.
On a side note, I have had other hallucinogenic experiences… I think anyone who has knows the dream-like quality of most drug-induced trips… each substance is distinct, but as far as memories go, this is one often clear way to distinguish drug-induced experiences from reality. The noteworthy element of this experience was its *utter lack* of the dreamlike feeling. There was literally no deviation from reality that could provide any sort of indication that what I was seeing was not real. It looked real, it felt real, and my mind regards it as real, despite the fact that I know it wasn’t. I have never experienced such interactive hallucinations, for I could pick up these bugs, throw them, rip them in half, watch them squirm as I stepped on them, even communicate with them to an extent. This was a psychotic episode, probably most characteristic of a case of amphetamine psychosis. This type of psychosis is often clinically described as short-term paranoid schizophrenia, which basically describes my experience perfectly.
Anyway, it was clear from this point forward that the frightening nature of my surroundings was directly correlated with how frightened I was. It got progressively worse as I got more and more terrified… at a certain point I would actually say I went into shock, for I had come to terms with watching spiders grow out of my skin as something I could not do anything about, and was “beyond fear” if that makes any sense. I had not become desensitized, but the opposite, activating the body’s natural defense mechanisms, which turned off my sensation of acute terror, and almost defaulted to instinctual behavior, which was, to say the least, not a good thing at all.
The experience continued to intensify. I know there are many incidents that my mind has suppressed. I have learned of these from those who were following me around the apartment as I sprayed clear coat paint all over the place (thinking I was killing bugs with bug spray) and yelled nonsensical things about “them” choosing me, and why “they’ wouldn’t leave me alone, etc.. Presumably I was referring to the spiders, but I am unsure, for I have little memory of this. I recall that I started to see ghost-like figures, stationary, watching me, some menacing, some not.
The general theme of the experience was basically as such: No matter what I did or where I hid… there was something terrifying right there with me, and these things became increasingly awful. There was no safety, not even in my girlfriend’s arms, who I apparently pushed forcefully into a wall because I saw a bug with wings on her back. I have literally no memory of this at all, but she was scared to be around me after that, from what she told me, and who can blame her, really.
This is not to say that there wasn’t an element of fascination to all of this. No drug I’ve taken could ever rival this sort of trip… if one could harness the contents of my subconscious and make them into a movie, they’d have an instant blockbuster. I saw horrors that made Aliens seem like a movie for children..
Eventually, I was taken to the hospital… It had been approximately eight hours of pure terror. I no longer could make the distinction between reality and psychosis-induced visuals. I spent several minutes trying to convince the doctor there was a worm growing out of my leg. Oddly enough, I calmed down in the hospital and the visions started to disappear. Upon regaining a bit of my sanity, I realized that I had thought these delusions were real, but I couldn’t figure out how I had convinced myself of this. It was a very peculiar and disturbing feeling.
Sleep was all I needed, I guess. I slept for 3 hours in the hospital bed, and upon waking up the visuals were basically gone.
This experience will never leave me, however. It’s been almost a year and I still harbor paranoid fears of insects and spiders. From what I understand, this may be with me my whole life… but it really isn’t bad enough to inhibit my ability to live… just enough to never let me forget. The experience wasn't quite *far* enough from reality to be easily left behind, cognitively. I would have rather experienced a total reality-destruction, because that would be easier to subconsciously percieve as drug-induced. Regardless of the fact that logically I know this was not reality, my subconscious *clearly* regards it that way. I’m wary of ever touching E again... no euphoria could ever be worth repeating this kind of waking nightmare.
Definitely my own damn fault. Although E seems to be a whole lot more able to push me in the direction of amphetamine psychosis than straight up amphetamines.. which makes me wonder if there's a little more to it.
better wait. Sorry that happened to you.