Around the 3rd week of December on the weekend, I had been on a quest to try to get rid of (by eating) a lot of the stuff that I had. Some solid Starbucks presses were available to me, and in between uses of psychedelics apart by days, I snuck in a pretty good roll without announcing it anywhere, or to anyone. I hadn't expected this to be the last time that I would take mdma, but it ended up being so and I wanted to make a report on this before 1). I forget most of the content and 2). Before I leave here [probably] permanently in a few months. The signs are obvious and I tend to stick to decisions once I make up my mind, more often than not, unless a force greater than me compels me to consider otherwise.
Note: I loved my time here, and despite all of the douchebaggery I've been dealing with behind the scenes, nothing can take away the connections I've made thanks to BL even existing. I'll reach out more to others here when the time comes, and for reasons dealing with here as well as IRL, I know it's time. Life will become very serious within a year or so, and I need to give it 100% of my focus. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to document parts of my life and allow it to be on record so that, in the future, people will potentially benefit from my honest accounts and find themselves using this info to better their own situations or of those around them. I am also grateful to BL and everyone responsible for helping it prosper, both staff and respectable users, because they are both needed. Thank you, and I hope everyone will be prosperous in all that they do too.
Saturday 9pm: I took four of these little monsters at once. The obligatory not a recommended dose for anyone, but the also obligatory this has been my standard dose for obvious reasons. My gf and I went to get Starbucks, where I ordered the Caramel Brûlée latte when it was still around, and we ended up using a friend's backyard parking space to just chill and smoke weed at. No one was home, not even my friend lol; they were out for the time being and we were simply using the spot to be safely confined away from the public eye, and enjoy a few hours of herb smoking. I had quite a bit of OG Kush that was well cured, along with some decent bubble hash (forgot what kind). My gf doesn't talk much as her MO, so she was just playing a game on her phone while I rolled up a blunt to get ready for later. Surprisingly, this was also one of the few nights I didn't listen to trance at all, which I probably had every single time before then; it was also my first time being there without my friend present, so it did feel a little awkward but I trust that guy a lot. Nevertheless, the general quietness intrigued me, except for some noise coming from his neighbors, like talking and the sound of plates and utensils rattling. It took me about 10 minutes to just break apart the weed finely and remove all of the stems, since the wrap I was using was a blunt wrap, not the Swisher wrap where you toss out the tobacco after cracking it in a straight line. So, I was rolling a fat one together and made a cone shape like one of my friends back in the day taught me how to do. It took me another 10 minutes just to seal it tightly, with weed crumbs all over my lap and my gf doing the same thing. Just playing pool online on her phone, lol.
10pm-With the blunt finished, I put it aside and we started with the regular glass piece, and I simply mashed some weed in there and put small chunks of hash on top. By this time, the roll was starting to hit me, which is when I noticed my friend's neighbors were quiet because it was a loud quietness, if you know what I mean. For me, the roll always begins with the first alerts from sight and sounds; everything is magnified, and my vision gets really sharp. His backyard spotlight hanging from the garage roof illuminated about half of the area, but at the moment it seemed too bright. The obvious body buzz, especially at the back of my head, was prominent and my palms started to perspirate. My field of vision was wobbling ever so slightly, and immediately my gf asks, "When did you take it?" I responded, "Before we left the house when you were in the bathroom. How did you know?" She says, "Because you just stared into space, and at the light." I said, "Oh." And we just continued packing the piece, opening the car door to ash it out, then back to smoking again. By the third time, I let her finish the bowl herself while I had a cig. Finally, the roll was pretty strong, stronger than all of the other times I rolled that year (last year). I climbed out of the seat to sit on the steps of my friend's porch to finish my cig, and my gf sat in a chair huddled inside her huge jacket and playing with her phone, furtively watching me while playing pool again. She had been used to being my sitter for many years by then. But I simply stared up into the sky, star gazing, thinking and listening to the sound of cars driving by. I remember seeing headlights and not hearing its motor or exhaust, and it confused me until I remembered--electric cars are pretty damn silent.
11pm-1am-I was probably peaking as hard as I ever would. In other words, not much, but it was still very enjoyable because the buzz and euphoria were incredible like before. So much joy made its way from inside to produce a smile out of nowhere, while my gf went to the car and back to where we were sitting to start on the blunt. She asked, "Are you rolling hard?" I said yeah. Then I was like, "Want some?" She said no. I replied, "Well I wasn't gonna give you one anyway." She said, "I know." During this small conversation I was turning the blunt over the flame of the lighter and carefully burning the edges as uniformly as I could, watching it with HD vision with everything around it looking bright, crisp and detailed. Then I just regularly lit it up and took a huge hit to start, and we just passed it back and forth like so. During this time, we didn't talk much, in fact I don't think we even said anything. We just kept blowing billows of smoke, and I remembered how my friend had said not to worry about smoking there, since we do it all the time and that none of his neighbors care. That thought amused me, and the mdma and weed combined like it usually does; intensifying the body buzz, while simultaneously muddling my headspace and bringing my thoughts back to clarity once I focused on them. I could tell my gf was getting faded as hell, so she laid on the chair and dozed off for a bit after we finished the blunt.
I simply sat back and smoked a cig, browsed BL for a little bit, and then shut it off after a few minutes. I didn't want to post while I was rolling like that. I thought about whatever my mind came across. At first, I thought about how I had just finished my classes, when I was dying while trying to study and read for everything, and writing papers one after another. I deserved it though; I had always procrastinated, yet I always come out with my best under pressure, instead of writing little by little and losing my train of thought. I simply did crappy the latter way. I thought about the direction in life I had chosen, which changed a lot, but is now set. I thought about the school system and how everything is defined by grades, yet I didn't think I was any smarter than I was 2-3 years ago. I had done well without trying my best, though I did try hard. I had even felt like I hadn't expressed anything much of what I had learned over many years, and I vowed that I would find a way to express them in the future that would be in-line with a career. I smashed the stub of my cig under my shoe, lit another one, sipped my coffee and continued to think about life. I felt like this was a form of meditating, letting my thoughts be as they were and trying to understand them. I looked up and the light from the stars started sending thin rays in all directions, which coincided with the change I felt from E in the first place. It progressed me into a place I was in at the moment; so far away from the past and everything I used to do, but I felt different and the same simultaneously. The people around me noticed a subtle change in my demeanor, and from the people who are the most critical of me (parents), it was positive. This was many years ago, when I finally started getting along with my dad; we were at odds for a long time, but he knew that I finally understood him. What he didn't know was that my mdma use had been the cause, and it made me more aware of the sensitivity of other people, and less concerned with selfish things that no longer mattered to me. I thought about how no one had known these things, in which I had expressed them solely on BL and nowhere else, because this was a change that I had been trying to acquire for so much of my life. Failed relationships, broken friendships, acquaintances that never became more than that because I stayed content in my shell and didn't think as much of others as I should have, especially those who had brought me the kind of niceness that I now try to bestow on everyone else. Those I had always deeply regretted, and I knew instinctively that that was what drove me to seek this change and continue to use mdma not just for fun like before, but to improve myself again. Yet in 2015, I knew whatever I had gotten out of it, that this was all I was going to get. After a while, I could tell my gf was getting cold, so I shooed her back inside my car and turned on the heater for her. We smoked more bowls and my friend texted me that he would be home soon.
1-3am-This guy is really funny. He came home dropped off by another mutual friend, smashed off of heavy doses of 2C-B and lsd, telling me to try the combo when I get the chance. He's eating a microwave dinner, and both his gf and mine are sleeping, except one is in the room and the other on the couch. We talk about random stuff, about our friends, what our plans are for the next few weeks, etc. He asks the same thing my gf did "You rolling huh?" I said, "Of course." So he asks me if I want to see lights, but I said no, lol. Then he asked, "You're serious on this roll?" Which means that he knew I was in deep thought this time, so I told him "Ay, I'm gonna quit all drugs soon, probably by the end of this month." He was shocked. "You?? Quit? Lmao. Wait, why?" I told him I had enough. He said, sure you did. And I told him, for real. So he suggested that I go all out before the end of the month, and roll with him (sadly, I didn't). And he's usually always upbeat and talkative, even on high doses of anything he keeps his shit together, since he's the friend who pretty much taught me how to navigate out of difficult lsd trips. My mind was clear, and I felt that speedy effect from the roll which usually happens after the peak (the plateau) while I talked to him and thought about different things at the same time. I felt like he was disappointed about me quitting, because that meant I wouldn't be having fun with them when they tripped. I had hardly seen him and the rest of them that year as it was. But we just smoked in his living room while we were literally watching the news late at night, and he was just commenting and tripping out on it. I thought about how I wanted to try that combination too, because he would talk about what he's seeing and I wasn't seeing it, lol. Eventually, after a while, my gf comes out and asks when we're going home, which is another way of saying she wants to go home, so I have a cig outside with my friend, and then I leave with her since I felt sober enough to do so. The homie goes back in the house, walking straight like he wasn't even on anything, and the next time I would see him was earlier in the night (today).
10 minutes later, I get home and my gf just knocks out immediately. I go out for a cig, thinking about how my roll was okay, but sort of uneventful. I had a sense that that roll was different, in the way that I became extremely nostalgic and didn't cave into forgoing quitting, again without the magic but enough of mdma's other qualities to consider it a strong roll. Mostly the feel, sensory alteration and empathy plus emotional thoughts intertwining like it used to do. This ended up being the last time I rolled, and probably ever will, unless something really special occurs in the future. With that, I ended up sleeping late, watching YouTube and Zz.
I probably forgot more than half of my conversation with my friend, but whatever. I just wanted to document the last time that I dropped mdma, which was a culmination of what I've gotten from past experiences as well. I'd probably have a lot more interesting reports on other times I have rolled, but the fun aspect isn't as important as the emotional aspect to me. At least now. All in all, this has been my favorite substance of all time not just for its effects and that ephemeral first roll, but for so much positive change that it has brought to me when I had been lost and searching for answers for most of my life before then. At first, it was just a party drug but it became much more than that; they were experiences that helped me find the joy in life again and it helped me realize that it starts from within. I think that's why they say that money doesn't bring happiness, because it can only improve everything around you, but not inside you. It can maybe penetrate somewhat, but not nearly in any complete fashion like being happy and proud of who you are, or being productive and relaxing afterwards, being given an act of love unexpectedly and feeling overwhelmed, or doing something good for someone at particular moments that are very emotional, and seeing them appreciate it. That sense of fulfillment eclipses anything else, and mdma has helped me to focus on these things that I had not recognized before; to give effort towards that and to appreciate it. For that I am grateful as well, because I doubt that I'd be who I am today if it wasn't for these experiences. It felt like everything that had happened to me before then, all of that bs, was meant for me to discover the happiness again eventually, using mdma to relieve me of my past and to set the road straight again.
Note: I loved my time here, and despite all of the douchebaggery I've been dealing with behind the scenes, nothing can take away the connections I've made thanks to BL even existing. I'll reach out more to others here when the time comes, and for reasons dealing with here as well as IRL, I know it's time. Life will become very serious within a year or so, and I need to give it 100% of my focus. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to document parts of my life and allow it to be on record so that, in the future, people will potentially benefit from my honest accounts and find themselves using this info to better their own situations or of those around them. I am also grateful to BL and everyone responsible for helping it prosper, both staff and respectable users, because they are both needed. Thank you, and I hope everyone will be prosperous in all that they do too.
Saturday 9pm: I took four of these little monsters at once. The obligatory not a recommended dose for anyone, but the also obligatory this has been my standard dose for obvious reasons. My gf and I went to get Starbucks, where I ordered the Caramel Brûlée latte when it was still around, and we ended up using a friend's backyard parking space to just chill and smoke weed at. No one was home, not even my friend lol; they were out for the time being and we were simply using the spot to be safely confined away from the public eye, and enjoy a few hours of herb smoking. I had quite a bit of OG Kush that was well cured, along with some decent bubble hash (forgot what kind). My gf doesn't talk much as her MO, so she was just playing a game on her phone while I rolled up a blunt to get ready for later. Surprisingly, this was also one of the few nights I didn't listen to trance at all, which I probably had every single time before then; it was also my first time being there without my friend present, so it did feel a little awkward but I trust that guy a lot. Nevertheless, the general quietness intrigued me, except for some noise coming from his neighbors, like talking and the sound of plates and utensils rattling. It took me about 10 minutes to just break apart the weed finely and remove all of the stems, since the wrap I was using was a blunt wrap, not the Swisher wrap where you toss out the tobacco after cracking it in a straight line. So, I was rolling a fat one together and made a cone shape like one of my friends back in the day taught me how to do. It took me another 10 minutes just to seal it tightly, with weed crumbs all over my lap and my gf doing the same thing. Just playing pool online on her phone, lol.
10pm-With the blunt finished, I put it aside and we started with the regular glass piece, and I simply mashed some weed in there and put small chunks of hash on top. By this time, the roll was starting to hit me, which is when I noticed my friend's neighbors were quiet because it was a loud quietness, if you know what I mean. For me, the roll always begins with the first alerts from sight and sounds; everything is magnified, and my vision gets really sharp. His backyard spotlight hanging from the garage roof illuminated about half of the area, but at the moment it seemed too bright. The obvious body buzz, especially at the back of my head, was prominent and my palms started to perspirate. My field of vision was wobbling ever so slightly, and immediately my gf asks, "When did you take it?" I responded, "Before we left the house when you were in the bathroom. How did you know?" She says, "Because you just stared into space, and at the light." I said, "Oh." And we just continued packing the piece, opening the car door to ash it out, then back to smoking again. By the third time, I let her finish the bowl herself while I had a cig. Finally, the roll was pretty strong, stronger than all of the other times I rolled that year (last year). I climbed out of the seat to sit on the steps of my friend's porch to finish my cig, and my gf sat in a chair huddled inside her huge jacket and playing with her phone, furtively watching me while playing pool again. She had been used to being my sitter for many years by then. But I simply stared up into the sky, star gazing, thinking and listening to the sound of cars driving by. I remember seeing headlights and not hearing its motor or exhaust, and it confused me until I remembered--electric cars are pretty damn silent.
11pm-1am-I was probably peaking as hard as I ever would. In other words, not much, but it was still very enjoyable because the buzz and euphoria were incredible like before. So much joy made its way from inside to produce a smile out of nowhere, while my gf went to the car and back to where we were sitting to start on the blunt. She asked, "Are you rolling hard?" I said yeah. Then I was like, "Want some?" She said no. I replied, "Well I wasn't gonna give you one anyway." She said, "I know." During this small conversation I was turning the blunt over the flame of the lighter and carefully burning the edges as uniformly as I could, watching it with HD vision with everything around it looking bright, crisp and detailed. Then I just regularly lit it up and took a huge hit to start, and we just passed it back and forth like so. During this time, we didn't talk much, in fact I don't think we even said anything. We just kept blowing billows of smoke, and I remembered how my friend had said not to worry about smoking there, since we do it all the time and that none of his neighbors care. That thought amused me, and the mdma and weed combined like it usually does; intensifying the body buzz, while simultaneously muddling my headspace and bringing my thoughts back to clarity once I focused on them. I could tell my gf was getting faded as hell, so she laid on the chair and dozed off for a bit after we finished the blunt.
I simply sat back and smoked a cig, browsed BL for a little bit, and then shut it off after a few minutes. I didn't want to post while I was rolling like that. I thought about whatever my mind came across. At first, I thought about how I had just finished my classes, when I was dying while trying to study and read for everything, and writing papers one after another. I deserved it though; I had always procrastinated, yet I always come out with my best under pressure, instead of writing little by little and losing my train of thought. I simply did crappy the latter way. I thought about the direction in life I had chosen, which changed a lot, but is now set. I thought about the school system and how everything is defined by grades, yet I didn't think I was any smarter than I was 2-3 years ago. I had done well without trying my best, though I did try hard. I had even felt like I hadn't expressed anything much of what I had learned over many years, and I vowed that I would find a way to express them in the future that would be in-line with a career. I smashed the stub of my cig under my shoe, lit another one, sipped my coffee and continued to think about life. I felt like this was a form of meditating, letting my thoughts be as they were and trying to understand them. I looked up and the light from the stars started sending thin rays in all directions, which coincided with the change I felt from E in the first place. It progressed me into a place I was in at the moment; so far away from the past and everything I used to do, but I felt different and the same simultaneously. The people around me noticed a subtle change in my demeanor, and from the people who are the most critical of me (parents), it was positive. This was many years ago, when I finally started getting along with my dad; we were at odds for a long time, but he knew that I finally understood him. What he didn't know was that my mdma use had been the cause, and it made me more aware of the sensitivity of other people, and less concerned with selfish things that no longer mattered to me. I thought about how no one had known these things, in which I had expressed them solely on BL and nowhere else, because this was a change that I had been trying to acquire for so much of my life. Failed relationships, broken friendships, acquaintances that never became more than that because I stayed content in my shell and didn't think as much of others as I should have, especially those who had brought me the kind of niceness that I now try to bestow on everyone else. Those I had always deeply regretted, and I knew instinctively that that was what drove me to seek this change and continue to use mdma not just for fun like before, but to improve myself again. Yet in 2015, I knew whatever I had gotten out of it, that this was all I was going to get. After a while, I could tell my gf was getting cold, so I shooed her back inside my car and turned on the heater for her. We smoked more bowls and my friend texted me that he would be home soon.
1-3am-This guy is really funny. He came home dropped off by another mutual friend, smashed off of heavy doses of 2C-B and lsd, telling me to try the combo when I get the chance. He's eating a microwave dinner, and both his gf and mine are sleeping, except one is in the room and the other on the couch. We talk about random stuff, about our friends, what our plans are for the next few weeks, etc. He asks the same thing my gf did "You rolling huh?" I said, "Of course." So he asks me if I want to see lights, but I said no, lol. Then he asked, "You're serious on this roll?" Which means that he knew I was in deep thought this time, so I told him "Ay, I'm gonna quit all drugs soon, probably by the end of this month." He was shocked. "You?? Quit? Lmao. Wait, why?" I told him I had enough. He said, sure you did. And I told him, for real. So he suggested that I go all out before the end of the month, and roll with him (sadly, I didn't). And he's usually always upbeat and talkative, even on high doses of anything he keeps his shit together, since he's the friend who pretty much taught me how to navigate out of difficult lsd trips. My mind was clear, and I felt that speedy effect from the roll which usually happens after the peak (the plateau) while I talked to him and thought about different things at the same time. I felt like he was disappointed about me quitting, because that meant I wouldn't be having fun with them when they tripped. I had hardly seen him and the rest of them that year as it was. But we just smoked in his living room while we were literally watching the news late at night, and he was just commenting and tripping out on it. I thought about how I wanted to try that combination too, because he would talk about what he's seeing and I wasn't seeing it, lol. Eventually, after a while, my gf comes out and asks when we're going home, which is another way of saying she wants to go home, so I have a cig outside with my friend, and then I leave with her since I felt sober enough to do so. The homie goes back in the house, walking straight like he wasn't even on anything, and the next time I would see him was earlier in the night (today).
10 minutes later, I get home and my gf just knocks out immediately. I go out for a cig, thinking about how my roll was okay, but sort of uneventful. I had a sense that that roll was different, in the way that I became extremely nostalgic and didn't cave into forgoing quitting, again without the magic but enough of mdma's other qualities to consider it a strong roll. Mostly the feel, sensory alteration and empathy plus emotional thoughts intertwining like it used to do. This ended up being the last time I rolled, and probably ever will, unless something really special occurs in the future. With that, I ended up sleeping late, watching YouTube and Zz.
I probably forgot more than half of my conversation with my friend, but whatever. I just wanted to document the last time that I dropped mdma, which was a culmination of what I've gotten from past experiences as well. I'd probably have a lot more interesting reports on other times I have rolled, but the fun aspect isn't as important as the emotional aspect to me. At least now. All in all, this has been my favorite substance of all time not just for its effects and that ephemeral first roll, but for so much positive change that it has brought to me when I had been lost and searching for answers for most of my life before then. At first, it was just a party drug but it became much more than that; they were experiences that helped me find the joy in life again and it helped me realize that it starts from within. I think that's why they say that money doesn't bring happiness, because it can only improve everything around you, but not inside you. It can maybe penetrate somewhat, but not nearly in any complete fashion like being happy and proud of who you are, or being productive and relaxing afterwards, being given an act of love unexpectedly and feeling overwhelmed, or doing something good for someone at particular moments that are very emotional, and seeing them appreciate it. That sense of fulfillment eclipses anything else, and mdma has helped me to focus on these things that I had not recognized before; to give effort towards that and to appreciate it. For that I am grateful as well, because I doubt that I'd be who I am today if it wasn't for these experiences. It felt like everything that had happened to me before then, all of that bs, was meant for me to discover the happiness again eventually, using mdma to relieve me of my past and to set the road straight again.
