Making the "right" decision

[ATLL765]

This is always the hardest part for me when I'm trying to get clean. How can I say no to copping once I get a little cash in my hand. Well, here I am, having spent the night jimmying what has to be at least 25lbs worth of pennies of a 5 gallon jug, made of glass no less. That fucker was heavy. Anyways, so I'm gonna pick up my sub rx tomorrow. I didn't pick it up last week because I used the money to buy dope. So that could be 22 subs in my hand when I really only need 2 per week to get by. Fucking Drs are nuts scripting people 12-16+mgs of it for what I claimed was a very light addiction. Wasn't really inclined to admit how much I really use when my Mom insists on knowing about everything.

Anyways, so I gotta have at least $50 in pennies, $20 I already got sitting around and then whatever I can make selling as many subs as I can before I get a hold of my guy tomorrow. That's enough to make the trip to Newark worth it.

I should really just deposit the money and buy the items I've needed to do some routine maintenance on my fish tank instead. My mantis shrimp could use some new tank-mates/prey. However, a purchase of hermits and snails is only worth it if I spend about $50 online as the prices are far better than local. I also need a new set of tires. I should just spend all the money on things I NEED before I spend it on drugs. Ya know, make the right decision.

But I probably won't....scratch that, I didn't. Fuck me.

 

[ihearthemoose]

Sell old stuff, sometimes it's easy cash

 

[ATLL765]

Sell old stuff, sometimes it's easy cash

My issue wasn't and isn't obtaining money, it's that once I do I make irresponsible decisions such as buying heroin and cocaine instead of spending on necessities or on something positive like my fish tank, which has been somewhat neglected since I started using again last April. If I really want to get clean again, focusing on my hobby will be a big part of it. Picking up the hobby was a huge part of how I managed to get and stay clean for the two years prior to picking the needle up again this time around.

Not only that, but I've sold most of my stuff that was worth anything and that I was willing to part with in pursuit of getting high.

 

[Abe360]

Please be careful with Subs, or at least know the last thing they are is not addictive... I wasn't addicted to anything and the shittiest doctor in the world who goes around prescribing it willy-nilly also prescribed me a high enough dose to hook me and my girl on them ... and I was taking it for PAIN ~ not even to get off any drug.. and now I'm the opposite, I was using any damn drug to try and cope with getting of the subs..

 

[ATLL765]

You guys either didn't read my first post or completely misunderstood what I was trying to convey.

I get that subs can be addicting, but I don't have a problem with that. I'm prescribed 12mg/day. On days I'm not using I take a max of 4mg. Usually I take 1-2mg though.

I was more looking for ways to cope with cravings and the problems that arise when I have money. I want to make the "right" decisions and spend the money responsibly, on things I need or at least on things that are positive influences on my life, such as my hobby, rather than than on drugs.

I do not need advice on taking suboxone or methods to make money.

 

[herbavore]

ATLL, I think that reading up on mindfulness and putting it into practice has helped me immensely with both impulsive behavior and craving. It has helped me in so many other ways. Distractions can be a good strategy but they only go so far because in a way you are just kicking the can down the road. When you have a craving, try to stop and fully focus on what it feels like. The attention and self-talk is what helps. When the addictive voices come up ("Just this once", "It will feel so good" whatever they are) you can listen to them and respond like an observer of yourself. Ask yourself why the craving is happening at any given time. Am I bored? Am I anxious? What is the source of the anxiety? Intense introspection and learning to pay close attention to the places where you feel out of control can help you learn ways to step outside of the craving. I don't think I am describing mindfulness very well but there is a wealth of literature out there about it.

 

[ATLL765]

ATLL, I think that reading up on mindfulness and putting it into practice has helped me immensely with both impulsive behavior and craving. It has helped me in so many other ways. Distractions can be a good strategy but they only go so far because in a way you are just kicking the can down the road. When you have a craving, try to stop and fully focus on what it feels like. The attention and self-talk is what helps. When the addictive voices come up ("Just this once", "It will feel so good" whatever they are) you can listen to them and respond like an observer of yourself. Ask yourself why the craving is happening at any given time. Am I bored? Am I anxious? What is the source of the anxiety? Intense introspection and learning to pay close attention to the places where you feel out of control can help you learn ways to step outside of the craving. I don't think I am describing mindfulness very well but there is a wealth of literature out there about it.

A lot of it is boredom for me, but it's also my anxiety. I'm so anxious and nervous all the time. When I use, I feel much more "normal". I'm less nervous about things that would otherwise cause me anxiety. It also gives me the motivation to do the things I need to do every day that I otherwise would dread doing.

I previously was prescribed alprazolam for my anxiety and that worked well to calm my nerves and allow me to get through situations that cause me a lot of anxiety. One thing that I have a lot of trouble with is phone calls. They make me really nervous because I can't see the other person and have the ability to gauge how they're responding to what I'm saying via their facial expressions/other cues. I feel rushed almost in responding, when face to face I feel more comfortable conversing since I can adjust based on the other person's response. It really is something that interferes with my daily life. Benzos help with this, but I'm not prescribed them anymore as my GP moved to another state and it's difficult to get a Dr to prescribe them to me with the issues I've had with addiction. So instead I use heroin, which helps me handle the daily situations I encounter that cause me anxiety.