Do you know what triggered you to pick up again Alex? Was it just physical craving or something else? I’ve watched you go through this cycle many times now. There’s some trigger getting you every time. Perhaps it’s something different every time. Only you can know that. But if it’s often the same thing you need to remove that from your life. From what I can tell you are trying to beat poly-addiction purely through willpower a.k.a wishful thinking alone. I don’t have all the facts about what you are doing of course. But willpower rarely works without lots of other changes in life and how you think about things and let them effect you.
My life is such a melodrama and it's SO heavy. That's about all I can think of right now. If you go through some of my prior posts the past couple days you can get some of the picture but it's not the whole one. I just had a really good conversation with my ex-bf for an hour who knows everything about me and I had some real kind of jilting realizations about what it really going on and what is going on with me too but I cannot explain it all right now. Maybe I never can but if every conversation I've had with all of you guys on here was put together it's all there and it's a real, real hard and sad story.
Ultimately I can look in the mirror and I can say that I am liked, loved, am a good person, and even say I'm an attractive person looking in the mirror and I'm told so. I'm an honest person to the best of my ability.. The mirror shows a decent person with some blessings. I was told today that I'm not a typical addict the way that I stick to the truth and I am NOT out to fuck anyone over or steal or do shit... not that I never have done those things but I always come clean. That was the general sentiment, and it's almost accurate except I'm not perfect about this all the time but I do come clean.. there are good things about me.
I don't bless myself or allow myself the same love towards myself though. Inside I'm very, very, very down on myself and I've been masking that with drugs and alcohol for so long now. More than half of my life. This last year I'd say I grew in some ways, but I also became a true addict even deeper than ever by a longshot and I absolutely hate myself. If I was even more honest I'd be spending a lot more time in the suicide 2020 thread in TDS.
I have a very intense side which I think comes out here just fine. I talk to everyone about everything but I don't know how to put it all in a single post here without giving you a synopsis of my autobiography and all my thoughts surrounding it too which are still developing and are still all over the place sometimes as I phase in and out of this fucked up thought process that I have so deeply.
I know what's wrong with me. I don't know what to do about it. I am so lost. I am hurting so badly. I need to be loved so badly and feel it loudly because I cannot give those things to myself. That's the most basic answer I can give.
I'm in pain and the longer it goes on, the more I want to do this and I'm losing a battle against my own soul and everyone eventually gets fed up. I endear people and wind up hurting them so badly too because I cannot be saved. I can only save myself and I don't know how and in this climate in January of 2021 I'm not sure the tools are available to me even.
its so bad I keep typing and I'm losing the point. fin. I'm still here and look forward to whatever you have to say..
