Mellabopper
Bluelighter
second acid trip - losing reality
it was my second acid trip…
saturday, feb. 3rd, 2001. two hits of UFO blotter that many people had taken before… some liked it, others hated it… my previous acid experience (the week before this one) was with one gel.
interesting night, to say the least. it was four of us - (all bluelighters) - myself, bc, theFNG, and a special appearance from e-bow who drove all the way over to trip with us. well we all ate our tabs at about 10ish or so. I ate two, everyone else took one. we started out in bc's dorm room, then eventually made our way down to the dining hall to get some water and candy and what not before we headed off to the woods for an amazing experience.
when we left bc's room I was just starting to trip a little bit. I was very fidgety, but nevertheless I was enjoying myself. so we get to the dining hall, and I'm definitely tripping by this time… get my water, a bunch of runts, and we leave. we head off to a spot in the woods that is about a 15 min walk or so? I don't really remember… I lost all concept of time throughout the night….
so we get to the woods, its icy and what not so that kinda sucked… pretty damn dark, too, so walking to the desired spot was a bit of an adventure, I definitely wiped out at one point and as I was laying on my back in the snow, I looked up at the trees and they were just dancing. it was beautiful…. however I still have a damn bruise from the spill.
okay so we get to the spot and the four of us just stand there in a circle, smoke a bowl or two (I think? I don't really remember much…) and talk about crazy shit… I must say that these three guys are the most entertaining people to have around while doing any sort of drugs. it just gets silly - in a good way… I don't remember anything they were talking about because I couldn't pay attention to anything except my visuals, but at one point in time bc and the FNG were talking about something, laughing their asses off, and ebow and I were coming in and out of the conversation - picking up small pieces and just cracking up… like ebow would listen for a second to what they were talking about, start laughing, look at me, and I'd start laughing… then I'd stop and listen, start laughing, look at ebow and crack up even more… it was really fucking funny when we all stopped and realized what an odd 'conversation' we were all having… hard to describe I guess…
well as we stand there and talk and laugh and what not , I began to lose all sense of reality. my trip was getting so intense. I had no clue that acid could be so intense (and earlier I was considering taking three… thank god I didn't). I was getting intense trails on EVERYTHING… getting psychedelic colors (rainbow - red stood out the most though) emitting from everything. anytime someone would make a hand gesture, I would see their movements a few inches from them in red lights - almost as if one had on those light things that go on your hand with one light at each fingertip…. I was getting a beautiful geometric pattern over everything. the patterns were amazing, the colors were beautiful, I was getting intense OEVs and my field of vision was almost like a kaleidoscope. I sat down on a snowy bench and just looked at everything. it was pure beauty. I know as soon as I stood up I was freezing and my pants were all wet from the snow and I had to go to the bathroom (this will play into effect later…). at one point in time a helicoptor or something passed over us and it looked amazing. I lost touch with where I was, who I was, and what was going on…
we eventually left the forest and walked to our friends house because one of her roommates was having a party, and a lot of our friends would be there, too. I honestly don't remember much of this walk at all. I was tripping too hard. I don't remember deciding that we were gonna leave the forest - we just did. I do remember trying not to slip at one point in time while walking out of the forest, but that was it… the next thing I remember is being on a street, but we had been walking a while before I knew what was going on… I actually asked the guys I was with if we were in fact on a street or not… I couldn't tell. I felt as if my body was moving on its own - because while walking I had no concept of how I was really walking. I just was. we walked for a bit more… had to cross a few busy streets. that freaked me out a bit cause I knew I was in no state to do anything rational, much less cross a busy street with cars everywhere. I was tripping harder than anyone else there (I am going to assume…) and my trip was taken to a higher level than my last one.
we got to the house eventually (though I was pretty much unaware of it) and I remember walking up the stairs to the front door…
after that everything is a blur… I don't remember walking into the house, doing anything I actually did - take off my coat? say hi to people? I honestly don't know what I did… I had to go to the bathroom a while before… I might have gone when we got there… I don't really know… (I guess?)… the next thing I know I am standing in my friend's room, and as I stood there, tripping my face off, I thought I peed in my pants. I FELT it - I SAW it… but it never really happened. this part is definitely embarrassing for me to share, but it played a BIG part in my trip. I stood there, watching my own urine spread all over the rug. no one said anything, because I thought they didn't want to make me feel bad about it. someone picked up a water bottle or something and moved it - I thought it was to avoid the pee on the carpet from getting on it… at this point in time I was SO embarrassed I just wanted to crawl up into a little ball and die. I didn't want to show my face to anyone, I just wanted to leave. I felt disgusted with myself. I don't know how long I stood there, or what I was doing, but eventually everyone figured out that I was going through some crazy shit… bc sat me down on his lap and tried to get me to talk to him, but I was so disgusted with myself… I thought I was sitting there, urine soaked, on his lap. I didn't want to be there - soiling him as well as the chair we were sitting on… I was so embarrassed… I cannot stress how much… I really didn't want bc to see me like that - disgusting and having wet my pants. people walked into the room to say hi to people (there were about 7 or 8 people in the room? maybe? I dunno…) and just chill and what not… I thought as soon as these people (a lot of them I did not know) walked in they knew what I had done - and I thought they looked at me with such disgust… every time someone new came into the room I felt more and more disgusting and horrible and at this point I really wish bc hadn't been there to 'see' me pee on myself. it was too embarrassing, too much to handle… he tried to get me to talk, but I couldn't describe anything that was going on in my head…
so what WAS going on in my head as I sat there on bc's lap, thinking I'm probably getting him all piss soaked, scared that he'll want to talk to me again after that….
well, in my philosophy class, I learned about a particular theory on existence - that there is a higher power and yourself - the only two beings in the universe… everything other than you is completely made up and don't exist… and this higher power, is just fucking with you - toying with you, your mind, your emotions, your life, your soul…. and at one point in time, I thought it was shown to me - that this is the way everything really is - all made up, figments of my imagination, and that this higher power is just poking fun at my existence… this scared me, and saddened me - because I didn't want to have everything I have been through, and all of the people I know and love all, of a sudden turn out to not really exist at all and it was all just a sick joke this higher power played on me… the first thought that came into my head when I saw/felt/believed that this theory applied to myself was 'you've got to be kidding me' … and I saw everything slowly fade away… I thought that nothing mattered because everything - my whole existence, my reality was false. at this point in time I really wondered how it would be, to go back to living your life, going back to reality after knowing such things…. I didn't want to go back to reality because it was false. but I didn't want to give up everything I had known as true. I saw a lot of CEV at this point in time - a lot of kaleidoscopic visuals, but blue and purple and white were the main colors I saw… I saw a few question marks in there, too, I think… don't really remember… another thing I saw - was another sense of reality - not sure what it means though - it was a line of people running away - I guess I was in the back of the line, trying to catch up to them, but I never could. the one in back would occasionally look over their shoulder to glance at me, and mainly laugh at me I guess….
I'm not sure when all of these thoughts came and passed through my mind… like I said before, I had no concept of time, and without time I really don't know what happened at which time, or what event happened first… but I'm remember sitting on bc's lap saying something how it must be weird to go back to reality after seeing these things…
probably after all of that happened, I got another thought stuck in my head… I don't know where this thought came from - at the time I thought I saw it in a movie, but as I look back on it now I couldn't possibly see how I would have seen this in a movie… well, earlier in the night someone was talking about loops and what not, and getting your mind stuck in a loop… well what I saw while sitting there was this person just walking or running or something, and I heard some voice saying 'have you ever actually stopped while you were in a loop and just looked around?' and the person stopped… and with each second reality became more clear for them (for me, I guess?)… I had gotten the whole 'mind loop' idea STUCK in my head… I thought my mind was in a loop (whatever that may mean…) and I couldn't get out of it… it was as if reality kept repeating itself… and there was no escape… in this 'movie' that I thought I saw in the past - I thought that every time a loop (I guess?) is completed, one got closer and closer to getting out of the loop… it was as if reality was far away, and every time the loop repeated you got a little closer to the final goal - reality… I head this song - I have no clue if it's a real song or not, but in this 'movie' as one got closer and closer to the end they would play the 'same boring song' as I put it (and every time the loop repeated for me, I heard the song)….
everything is sorta confusing because I really lost it at this point in time… I don't know if all of these thoughts/visions are in the order in which I thought them, but nevertheless, I thought I should include everything, regardless if they are in the right spot or not because I think they also did overlap a bit, too….
but anyway back to the 'movie' or whatever… so as the loops became more intense and maybe closer to the end? possibly? (I don't know…) but one would be completely stuck in it… and things would happen and pass you by so quickly, and you'd find yourself talking about something, but you would end up talking about the fact that your mind is in a loop - and then at this time the song would start playing again… I'm sorry if this is hard to follow, but I'm not really sure what circumstances were there in my head… so much went on that I don't remember a lot of it. I really wish I did though… I still have yet to figure out what all of this means…
then I remembered something about how if you realize you are in a loop then that's it - you should be out of the loop then… so I told myself that my mind was in a loop, but I continued to be in this crazy stage for quite a while….
at this point (maybe?) I guess I totally lost it, and not being able to kick my mind out of the loop I thought I was going insane. no matter how much I kept telling myself that I took a drug and it would eventually end, I saw things, felt things, believed things at the time that scared me….
ebow told me once that he had a scary trip at twilo where he freaked out also…. I don't remember what we said that night as I was tripping, but whatever he was saying definitely made me feel a lil better… prolly just something about how he knows what I'm going through… but whatever. we definitely connected and he helped me come back to reality…
OH YES how could I forget the worst part of my trip? okay so as all of this shit is going on in my head about the loop stuff…. I CONSTANTLY felt as if I were peeing on myself… I saw it, I felt it… I honestly asked theFNG and ebow every few minutes if I was or not… I was really embarrassed to ask the first time if I had or not, because it was at least ten or fifteen times that I thought I had before I actually asked them… then it was a lot of times after I did finally ask them… and continue to ask them. I'd look over to them and ask 'am I now?' or 'no?' and they'd be like 'no, mel' and I was like 'really? cause I can see it and feel it…' just odd… so just imagine going through constant embarrassment and disgust every fifteen minutes or so… I thought first off that I was going insane - and the peeing on myself didn't help at all… I had to go into the bathroom a few times for a while and go crazy cause I thought no one understood what I was going through (this is before the whole ebow connection)…
I know at one point in time some fucker came in and tried to start shit with the people in the room…. I wont even go into it, but lets just say that he first off jumped into our rotation, took like fifty hits but didn't really know how to smoke out of the pipe… then tried to light it from underneath… and we're like woah there skippy, we're smoking weed here, not something else… someone made a comment and he tried to start shit with everyone and at one point claimed he was pure evil and started reciting Shakespeare or something…. I dunno I was pretty out of it at the time…
so as I was coming down off of the acid I found out why people like to trip at parties… my god it was just amazing… I told someone how I would have died to have been at a party right then… everything was just beautiful… and I danced like crazy (there are tables set up in this house - its sweet as hell)… I don't know how to describe how I felt at the time - but I felt like I was dancing because I was insane (in a good way though…), because people don't understand, because the music was beautiful, because the sun was coming up, because I had just experienced something so intense that night and I lived to see the end of it. I danced because I don't really know what life is all about, if there is any true meaning to why we are here, but whatever that reason may be, I wanted to just live and be happy. so I did, and I danced. it was an amazing connection between the music and myself.
well we eventually left, walked back to bc's room, sat around all cracked out (I was still tripping a bit though…) … eventually came back to my room (thank GOD my roomie was gone for the weekend), took a shower, sat down, read a few posts on BL (it got a little tricky though cause I was definitely still tripping a bit - this was at like 4pm or so…), and went to sleep.
this trip was an amazing experience for me… I really don't know what it means though. in time tough, I think I will find out… sorry this was so long, but SO much happened… it was so intense…. it was amazing though.
If anyone has any ideas as to what this might mean, let me know. I'm curious as hell as to what you all think.
use wisely
Mellabopper
written 2-9-01
------------------
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"
"damn the man, save the empire!" - empire records
Corruption is key.
[This message has been edited by Mellabopper (edited 09 February 2001).]
it was my second acid trip…
saturday, feb. 3rd, 2001. two hits of UFO blotter that many people had taken before… some liked it, others hated it… my previous acid experience (the week before this one) was with one gel.
interesting night, to say the least. it was four of us - (all bluelighters) - myself, bc, theFNG, and a special appearance from e-bow who drove all the way over to trip with us. well we all ate our tabs at about 10ish or so. I ate two, everyone else took one. we started out in bc's dorm room, then eventually made our way down to the dining hall to get some water and candy and what not before we headed off to the woods for an amazing experience.
when we left bc's room I was just starting to trip a little bit. I was very fidgety, but nevertheless I was enjoying myself. so we get to the dining hall, and I'm definitely tripping by this time… get my water, a bunch of runts, and we leave. we head off to a spot in the woods that is about a 15 min walk or so? I don't really remember… I lost all concept of time throughout the night….
so we get to the woods, its icy and what not so that kinda sucked… pretty damn dark, too, so walking to the desired spot was a bit of an adventure, I definitely wiped out at one point and as I was laying on my back in the snow, I looked up at the trees and they were just dancing. it was beautiful…. however I still have a damn bruise from the spill.
okay so we get to the spot and the four of us just stand there in a circle, smoke a bowl or two (I think? I don't really remember much…) and talk about crazy shit… I must say that these three guys are the most entertaining people to have around while doing any sort of drugs. it just gets silly - in a good way… I don't remember anything they were talking about because I couldn't pay attention to anything except my visuals, but at one point in time bc and the FNG were talking about something, laughing their asses off, and ebow and I were coming in and out of the conversation - picking up small pieces and just cracking up… like ebow would listen for a second to what they were talking about, start laughing, look at me, and I'd start laughing… then I'd stop and listen, start laughing, look at ebow and crack up even more… it was really fucking funny when we all stopped and realized what an odd 'conversation' we were all having… hard to describe I guess…
well as we stand there and talk and laugh and what not , I began to lose all sense of reality. my trip was getting so intense. I had no clue that acid could be so intense (and earlier I was considering taking three… thank god I didn't). I was getting intense trails on EVERYTHING… getting psychedelic colors (rainbow - red stood out the most though) emitting from everything. anytime someone would make a hand gesture, I would see their movements a few inches from them in red lights - almost as if one had on those light things that go on your hand with one light at each fingertip…. I was getting a beautiful geometric pattern over everything. the patterns were amazing, the colors were beautiful, I was getting intense OEVs and my field of vision was almost like a kaleidoscope. I sat down on a snowy bench and just looked at everything. it was pure beauty. I know as soon as I stood up I was freezing and my pants were all wet from the snow and I had to go to the bathroom (this will play into effect later…). at one point in time a helicoptor or something passed over us and it looked amazing. I lost touch with where I was, who I was, and what was going on…
we eventually left the forest and walked to our friends house because one of her roommates was having a party, and a lot of our friends would be there, too. I honestly don't remember much of this walk at all. I was tripping too hard. I don't remember deciding that we were gonna leave the forest - we just did. I do remember trying not to slip at one point in time while walking out of the forest, but that was it… the next thing I remember is being on a street, but we had been walking a while before I knew what was going on… I actually asked the guys I was with if we were in fact on a street or not… I couldn't tell. I felt as if my body was moving on its own - because while walking I had no concept of how I was really walking. I just was. we walked for a bit more… had to cross a few busy streets. that freaked me out a bit cause I knew I was in no state to do anything rational, much less cross a busy street with cars everywhere. I was tripping harder than anyone else there (I am going to assume…) and my trip was taken to a higher level than my last one.
we got to the house eventually (though I was pretty much unaware of it) and I remember walking up the stairs to the front door…
after that everything is a blur… I don't remember walking into the house, doing anything I actually did - take off my coat? say hi to people? I honestly don't know what I did… I had to go to the bathroom a while before… I might have gone when we got there… I don't really know… (I guess?)… the next thing I know I am standing in my friend's room, and as I stood there, tripping my face off, I thought I peed in my pants. I FELT it - I SAW it… but it never really happened. this part is definitely embarrassing for me to share, but it played a BIG part in my trip. I stood there, watching my own urine spread all over the rug. no one said anything, because I thought they didn't want to make me feel bad about it. someone picked up a water bottle or something and moved it - I thought it was to avoid the pee on the carpet from getting on it… at this point in time I was SO embarrassed I just wanted to crawl up into a little ball and die. I didn't want to show my face to anyone, I just wanted to leave. I felt disgusted with myself. I don't know how long I stood there, or what I was doing, but eventually everyone figured out that I was going through some crazy shit… bc sat me down on his lap and tried to get me to talk to him, but I was so disgusted with myself… I thought I was sitting there, urine soaked, on his lap. I didn't want to be there - soiling him as well as the chair we were sitting on… I was so embarrassed… I cannot stress how much… I really didn't want bc to see me like that - disgusting and having wet my pants. people walked into the room to say hi to people (there were about 7 or 8 people in the room? maybe? I dunno…) and just chill and what not… I thought as soon as these people (a lot of them I did not know) walked in they knew what I had done - and I thought they looked at me with such disgust… every time someone new came into the room I felt more and more disgusting and horrible and at this point I really wish bc hadn't been there to 'see' me pee on myself. it was too embarrassing, too much to handle… he tried to get me to talk, but I couldn't describe anything that was going on in my head…
so what WAS going on in my head as I sat there on bc's lap, thinking I'm probably getting him all piss soaked, scared that he'll want to talk to me again after that….
well, in my philosophy class, I learned about a particular theory on existence - that there is a higher power and yourself - the only two beings in the universe… everything other than you is completely made up and don't exist… and this higher power, is just fucking with you - toying with you, your mind, your emotions, your life, your soul…. and at one point in time, I thought it was shown to me - that this is the way everything really is - all made up, figments of my imagination, and that this higher power is just poking fun at my existence… this scared me, and saddened me - because I didn't want to have everything I have been through, and all of the people I know and love all, of a sudden turn out to not really exist at all and it was all just a sick joke this higher power played on me… the first thought that came into my head when I saw/felt/believed that this theory applied to myself was 'you've got to be kidding me' … and I saw everything slowly fade away… I thought that nothing mattered because everything - my whole existence, my reality was false. at this point in time I really wondered how it would be, to go back to living your life, going back to reality after knowing such things…. I didn't want to go back to reality because it was false. but I didn't want to give up everything I had known as true. I saw a lot of CEV at this point in time - a lot of kaleidoscopic visuals, but blue and purple and white were the main colors I saw… I saw a few question marks in there, too, I think… don't really remember… another thing I saw - was another sense of reality - not sure what it means though - it was a line of people running away - I guess I was in the back of the line, trying to catch up to them, but I never could. the one in back would occasionally look over their shoulder to glance at me, and mainly laugh at me I guess….
I'm not sure when all of these thoughts came and passed through my mind… like I said before, I had no concept of time, and without time I really don't know what happened at which time, or what event happened first… but I'm remember sitting on bc's lap saying something how it must be weird to go back to reality after seeing these things…
probably after all of that happened, I got another thought stuck in my head… I don't know where this thought came from - at the time I thought I saw it in a movie, but as I look back on it now I couldn't possibly see how I would have seen this in a movie… well, earlier in the night someone was talking about loops and what not, and getting your mind stuck in a loop… well what I saw while sitting there was this person just walking or running or something, and I heard some voice saying 'have you ever actually stopped while you were in a loop and just looked around?' and the person stopped… and with each second reality became more clear for them (for me, I guess?)… I had gotten the whole 'mind loop' idea STUCK in my head… I thought my mind was in a loop (whatever that may mean…) and I couldn't get out of it… it was as if reality kept repeating itself… and there was no escape… in this 'movie' that I thought I saw in the past - I thought that every time a loop (I guess?) is completed, one got closer and closer to getting out of the loop… it was as if reality was far away, and every time the loop repeated you got a little closer to the final goal - reality… I head this song - I have no clue if it's a real song or not, but in this 'movie' as one got closer and closer to the end they would play the 'same boring song' as I put it (and every time the loop repeated for me, I heard the song)….
everything is sorta confusing because I really lost it at this point in time… I don't know if all of these thoughts/visions are in the order in which I thought them, but nevertheless, I thought I should include everything, regardless if they are in the right spot or not because I think they also did overlap a bit, too….
but anyway back to the 'movie' or whatever… so as the loops became more intense and maybe closer to the end? possibly? (I don't know…) but one would be completely stuck in it… and things would happen and pass you by so quickly, and you'd find yourself talking about something, but you would end up talking about the fact that your mind is in a loop - and then at this time the song would start playing again… I'm sorry if this is hard to follow, but I'm not really sure what circumstances were there in my head… so much went on that I don't remember a lot of it. I really wish I did though… I still have yet to figure out what all of this means…
then I remembered something about how if you realize you are in a loop then that's it - you should be out of the loop then… so I told myself that my mind was in a loop, but I continued to be in this crazy stage for quite a while….
at this point (maybe?) I guess I totally lost it, and not being able to kick my mind out of the loop I thought I was going insane. no matter how much I kept telling myself that I took a drug and it would eventually end, I saw things, felt things, believed things at the time that scared me….
ebow told me once that he had a scary trip at twilo where he freaked out also…. I don't remember what we said that night as I was tripping, but whatever he was saying definitely made me feel a lil better… prolly just something about how he knows what I'm going through… but whatever. we definitely connected and he helped me come back to reality…
OH YES how could I forget the worst part of my trip? okay so as all of this shit is going on in my head about the loop stuff…. I CONSTANTLY felt as if I were peeing on myself… I saw it, I felt it… I honestly asked theFNG and ebow every few minutes if I was or not… I was really embarrassed to ask the first time if I had or not, because it was at least ten or fifteen times that I thought I had before I actually asked them… then it was a lot of times after I did finally ask them… and continue to ask them. I'd look over to them and ask 'am I now?' or 'no?' and they'd be like 'no, mel' and I was like 'really? cause I can see it and feel it…' just odd… so just imagine going through constant embarrassment and disgust every fifteen minutes or so… I thought first off that I was going insane - and the peeing on myself didn't help at all… I had to go into the bathroom a few times for a while and go crazy cause I thought no one understood what I was going through (this is before the whole ebow connection)…
I know at one point in time some fucker came in and tried to start shit with the people in the room…. I wont even go into it, but lets just say that he first off jumped into our rotation, took like fifty hits but didn't really know how to smoke out of the pipe… then tried to light it from underneath… and we're like woah there skippy, we're smoking weed here, not something else… someone made a comment and he tried to start shit with everyone and at one point claimed he was pure evil and started reciting Shakespeare or something…. I dunno I was pretty out of it at the time…
so as I was coming down off of the acid I found out why people like to trip at parties… my god it was just amazing… I told someone how I would have died to have been at a party right then… everything was just beautiful… and I danced like crazy (there are tables set up in this house - its sweet as hell)… I don't know how to describe how I felt at the time - but I felt like I was dancing because I was insane (in a good way though…), because people don't understand, because the music was beautiful, because the sun was coming up, because I had just experienced something so intense that night and I lived to see the end of it. I danced because I don't really know what life is all about, if there is any true meaning to why we are here, but whatever that reason may be, I wanted to just live and be happy. so I did, and I danced. it was an amazing connection between the music and myself.
well we eventually left, walked back to bc's room, sat around all cracked out (I was still tripping a bit though…) … eventually came back to my room (thank GOD my roomie was gone for the weekend), took a shower, sat down, read a few posts on BL (it got a little tricky though cause I was definitely still tripping a bit - this was at like 4pm or so…), and went to sleep.
this trip was an amazing experience for me… I really don't know what it means though. in time tough, I think I will find out… sorry this was so long, but SO much happened… it was so intense…. it was amazing though.
If anyone has any ideas as to what this might mean, let me know. I'm curious as hell as to what you all think.
use wisely
Mellabopper
written 2-9-01
------------------
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"
"damn the man, save the empire!" - empire records
Corruption is key.
[This message has been edited by Mellabopper (edited 09 February 2001).]
