LSD & Other Psychiatric Drugs Has Messed Me Up

[youngemadmirer94]

Hey guys my name is Carlos and I'm writing this because for the past month I have been having suicidal thoughts and have basically lost my personality (am extremely irritable but a soft loving person at heart) and hardly enjoy doing anything anymore. I used to be a happy kid. I started making music when I was 13 and would make beats everyday. My love for hip-hop has been growing ever since I was 5 years old. I started smoking weed at age 17 and I took half a tab of acid when i was 18. I think my life really started to go down hill after I took acid. I was fine until about 3 months later when I had a hypomanic episode. ( was extremely creative, talked really fast, hardly slept, felt like I was like Jesus) After that my psychiatrist told me that I was bipolar and gave me Lithium for 6 weeks. I also took abilify for about 2 weeks and klonopin maybe about 5-7 times to help me go to sleep at night. I stopped taking the lithium because it made me feel zombie like and i started seeing a new therapist that explained to me that many creative people go up and down a lot and he tried to convince me that even though doctors may like to say I'm bipolar, that Really i'm just a creative who's sensitive. He taught me about conditioned relaxation and his breathing techniques helped me for quite a while. He told me that I had Candidiasis in my stomach and that that was the reason for the brain fog and fatigue that I was experiencing at that time. I went on a diet for like 3 months to get rid of my Candidiasis and I did feel a little bit more energized and clear headed after that. However things started to go even more downhill for me after I went to Austin, Texas for a show I was performing at, and I was mixing weed and alcohol and anti biotics. I had a panic attack and before that felt extremely nervous around everyone which I'm pretty sure was caused by the mixture of antibiotics and alcohol. I also took half a tablet of adderal while I was in Austin. When I came back to LA, where I'm from, I started to experience OCD like symptoms. I thought I was gay and even transgender for a period of time. I went to see an ocd therapist who gave me like 4 sessions of CBT but they didn't really seem to help much. I was also put on Citalopram (Celexa) for my depression but i stopped taking it after a week because it inhibited my ability to exercise. I was then put on Lamotrogine (anti-seizure medicine) which was supposedly going to help me with my mood and OCD but I stopped taking it after 2 days because it really hindered my ability to have conversations (i was constantly asking people to reiterate what they were saying because I had such a hard time focusing on what they were saying) and gave me nightmares. At this point I have decided that I don't want to take any more man made drugs ever again because I feel that they have fried my brain and made it hard for me to process language and feel emotions. I miss the old me. The kid that was happy and was able to have conversations with people that consisted of me saying things that were deeper than "that's cool, that's nice, oh really? how was that?"

That's an another issue I've been experiencing which I'm afraid is cause of the acid, that I can't have deep conversations. It's like all I can't separate myself from my ego when i'm having conversations and say something that isn't superficial. I can't think out side the box anymore. iT's affecting my music and obviously my relationships. Another issue that I think was caused by me taking acid is that i'm extremely conscious of people's body language. So much so that it makes me anxious in social situations. every little body movement that everyone makes from scratching their head, clearing their throat, or even just blinking makes a difference to me. It's like i notice it more than i should, even though I try and consciously divert my attention to what people are saying rather than, for example, how their eyes are moving when they talk. At this point i haven't really felt a moment of happiness in 2 months. The last time I felt happy was when I was up all night making music and I was having breakfast with my family and i was engaging socially with them without being aware of their body language. I was immersed in the conversation and for some reason (i have no idea whether it has to do with the fact that I was making music all night and was satisfied with myself creatively or the fact that I was in a different state of consciousness since I had been up all day and night before that or both) wasn't so concerned with my families body language. This made me feel happy and that morning I could also see into my soul when I looked myself in the eyes in the mirror and I even went up to my mom and told her to look into my eyes because they were so big and filled with life.


I feel like after I took acid a part of my soul died. I look back at pictures I've taken post acid, and when i look into the camera it's looks like theres no life. I think it's because I'm usually faking the smile... It's like I can't see my soul when I look at myself in those pictures. But when I look at pictures PRE acid, i can see my happy, confident soul looking into the camera.

Is what im saying possible or is this all a fabrication that I created.? Could taking half a tab of acid, 6 weeks worth of lithium, 2 weeks of abilify, 2 years of smoking pot on and off (with a 3 month break and a couple week long breaks) (although I know that the weed could not be responsible for this, HOWEVER i once had a sort of bad trip on weed wheN i was smoking it by myself and I ended up looking into the mirror and wasn't happy about who i saw), half a pill of Adderal, 5-7 pills of klonopin, 1 week worth of celexa, 2 days of lamotrogine, permanently damaged my brain and made it impossible for me to feel alive again?

I just want to be happy and in the state of consciousness I was talking about before where I could have conversations without being overly conscious of people's body language again. I want to be able to be in the present moment, which i find almost impossible to do now a days. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and see into my soul. I miss my old self so much is there any thing i can do to get him back? I'm willing to try anything, be it meditation, natural supplements, exercise, anything! (just no man made psychiatric drugs, please)

IF anyone has any suggestions I would really really really appreciate it.

Thank you so so much.

- Carlos

 

[MrShankly]

Carlos, this is just an idea, but is it possible that the acid trip unravelled some kind of repressed problem? Maybe the depression is the real problem here, and the acid trip was just incidental.

I'm sure you've already thought about this, but is there maybe something else negative that happened in the three month period after the acid trip?

Just speaking form experience, these 'I think one particular thing has ruined my life' situations rarely turn out to be so.

 

[youngemadmirer94]

Carlos, this is just an idea, but is it possible that the acid trip unravelled some kind of repressed problem? Maybe the depression is the real problem here, and the acid trip was just incidental.

I'm sure you've already thought about this, but is there maybe something else negative that happened in the three month period after the acid trip?

Just speaking form experience, these 'I think one particular thing has ruined my life' situations rarely turn out to be so.

well in that 3 month period I was smoking a lot of weed, i Dropped out of college, was living on a roof at one point because I wanted to get away from my mother who i thought was suffocating me and trying to control me too much (forcing me to go to school when I just wanted to make music all day long). I can now see that my decision to drop out of college was foolish because It would be an experience for me that could make me grow as a person and as an artist where I could learn a lot of stuff that even though it may not be directly helping me as an artist would expand my brain and give me tools to use to write songs, etc. I went to Florida to see a girl that I had never met before and stole money from someone in order to do so, was doing a lot of soul searching and basically learning about myself, I went on a retreat with my college class during that period that actually went really well but I told everyone that my name was Robin because before my acid trip I decided that I wanted to change my name to Robin, which I later (about 4 or 5 months ago) decided I no longer wanted to do. The reason i wanted to go by Robin was because I thought it sounded cool and it was a nickname my best friend gave me. I realized that he called me that because he thought I was his sidekick and because of that I decided that I wanted to keep my real name, Carlos.

Anyways those were the only experiences I had after the trip and before my hypomanic episode, but me wanting to change my name happened before I took acid.

 

[youngemadmirer94]

does anyone else have any more suggestions?? I'm thinking i might try transcendental meditation and see if that helps me..

 

[Richbutpoorone]

Me Too Your Story Mirrors Mine

Hey Carlos My Name Is Richard Lee Adams And I Have Had The Same Experience And Lost My Mind On Blotter Acid When I Was 15 And Am 34 Been Trying To Recover But Can't,I Take The Same Meditations Make Music And Mirror You Facebook Friend Me Man Lets Compare Notes N Shit Holla At Me Stay Up And Stay Strong You Got A Brother Out Here Going Through Almost Exactly What Im Going Through,I Hope This Finds You Well,And If You Ever Need Lyrics I Got You Good Day My Friend

 

[ShroomySatori]

Carlos, I think you have a lot of potential in life. You are just working through a new perspective of reality and dwelling on the changes will only solidify those unwanted social reactions. You definitely have social anxiety but that doesn't mean you have to forever.

I think you are confused about a lot of things including your sense of identity. Forced parenting definitely messed me up a bit and you mentioned that you weren't accepted as the person who you were... a musician. I don't think you have any brain damage. I think you have an overactive mind, and it would be helpful to learn to channel that energy in constructive ways. It takes a lot of drugs to do damage. Try to keep an open relationship with family if you can.

Sounds complicated man, like your subconscious has been awakened in ways that are interfering with your life. I'd recommend giving Yin Yoga a try... it's really chill, you might like it and it helps keep me at least a little sane. Also, acceptance is important.

I'm also messed up myself and a (quitting) heroin addict, but yin yoga is badass man. You hold postures/asanas for 5 minutes, or longer, while essentially meditating as opposed to dynamic yoga flows, so it has a much stronger meditation aspect. At first, being alone with your thoughts for 5 minutes seems like eternity, but once you get really into your practice it can flash by in the blink of an eye, like time ceases to exist. I just practice it at home too since you don't sweat, it's all about working the spine and flexibility (in more respects than physical). It is very spiritual practice and that might help you. I am a devoted yin yogi and I'd definitely recommend it to you. It will chill out your mind dude. Then you can focus on your music and channel that energy. I would really try not to dwell on this "sudden change" you have attributed to acid. It might not even be real although I don't doubt that you see things differently now. I just don't think there's anything actually wrong with you. Most everyone goes through rough times.

I think you are like me - we can't really handle the drugs too well - but I think you know that, better than myself by the sounds of it. You are hypersensitive to the effects of them, but have a normal physiological reaction. Keep off the weed permanently it will make you overthink things even more in my opinion and if anything just know that LSD is even safer than weed. You're fine dude. Try and chill out and give yin yoga a try.

 

[herbavore]

Anything that you can do to strengthen your natural tendencies (you seem to have a very good grasp on positive strategies) for self-healing are going to continue to pay off. Try to see everything that you are going through as part of a continual exploration of yourself. Nothing was lost! Over-thinking and attaching fatalistic meaning to events can be the real trap. Try going completely drug free for a long period of time. Eat right, exercise and make time for relaxation and follow your instincts when it comes to your creative side. I love what your second therapist said. Basically I think that whether or not a person is bipolar it all comes down to a process of knowing and reconciling your self with your created life. It is a process that is always shifting and never arriving.

 

[Beefy]

Carlos. I'd suggest possibly going on an anti-depressant like Lexapro and STICKING with it for as least 6 weeks. Only stop if the side effects are too much to handle, and stop after talking to your psychiatrist. After drug history, our minds can be kind of fuzzy and a lot of us deal with really horrible depression and anxiety. That is probably what's going on with you. Maybe the acid could've also triggered something that was already there, and it just released it.
But either way, I would suggest you see someone for therapy at least once a week and go on an anti-depressant. Then talk to your psychiatrist about lithium and klonopin. I'm not too familiar with Bipolar. I have Major Depression and GAD/PTSD. Talk therapy has greatly helped my anxiety, and depression sometimes. But please take care of yourself. You haven't taken that much LSD where you completely messed up your head.
Hope this has helped.