chugs
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2004
- Messages
- 2,026
bikki_muncher69 said:
Please excuse the length of this thread. I normally wouldn’t expose so such much of my heart in a public forum but this is an issue that lies particular close....
The below is the reason why I don't believe in pseudo-religious quackery. I believe that we are empowered to realise and reconcile our lives and that these concepts (the pseudo-religious ones) are just emotional crutches that delay and in some ways stop us from truly understanding ourselves.
It is also a clear demonstration about why drugs do not cause mental illness and that there is no such thing as a human who doesn't have underlying emotional problems that can be cured with a realignment of brainwaves.
But on with the story:
For several years I could not leave my house or look at anyone in the face. I suffered from a delusion I was physically deformed (amongst many other things). I also suffered from constant panic attacks, psychosis, paranoia and depression - I suspect I have a latent form of schizophrenia, not to mention obsessive compulsive disorder and many others.
One of my more palatable (excuse the pun literally unpalatable) paranoid delusion was that all fast food was being spiked with narcotics - I could not eat fast food for several years because of that one not to mention it spawning a very weird set of behaviours as I took many strange steps to avoid eating. I had several other delusions but I won't go into them.
I was manically depressed, bipolar looking back at it - I cried nearly everyday, suicidal, anorexia - I was in denial an addict of nearly every drug under the sun by the age of 17. You know the kid at school that is know by the nickname drugs – yep that was me… I spent a good 3 years high every day.
On my first dose of LSD I was left with constant panic attacks for 6 months. Like the OP I was under the belief that the LSD was the root cause of this fear and panic. That somehow it had changed my perception of reality - reality wasn't fucked it was just in my brain right. A chemical imbalance in my brain. The paranoia of that was so great it would cause panic attacks in its own right.
Crippling panic attacks.
I’ve come to learn the cause of all these problems were from deep seeded emotional events.
LSD did not make me sad, or angry, or depressed or give me panic attacks – it did not change my brain chemistry – those things were already there. I just didn’t know it at the time and would of gotten all these problems irrespective of my drug use.
The drug use was a primitive attempt to self-medicate. LSD if anything took these problems from the back of my mind and put it directly in front of me – these emotional issues were mainlined, injected without filter directly into my conscious brain so quickly that it overloaded me and turned me into a sobbing crumpled mess.
However at 13 I wasn’t consciousness enough to realise what I was looking at – I got caught up in surface issues, I suffered from a number of very painful psychosomatic illnesses as a consequence of these repressed events.
It was a positive feedback loop – I took drugs to forgot and deny my emotional problems – self-medication. The drug taking and belief it made you blame free meant I committed crimes against my peers, lovers and family. I stole, I cheated, and lied (to myself worst still). I hurt physically & emotionally people I loved. All the hate anger, and sadness inside was reflected tenfold onto those around me. I was a strange child, with many aberrant behaviours.
This in turn created more problems which in my current state mind meant the were only consigned to that pit in the bottom of my stomach, which in turn meant more drug taking.
You get to a point (yes I know it’s a clique) where the drugs don’t work. When the pain will even burn through the numb but very fake haven of heroin addiction.
But the drugs were not the cause or the driver of my problems. It was just a rude passenger in my truck that threw rubbish & faeces at my fellow road users all the while screaming incessantly.
I guess at the end of the day I feared myself and those problems – the fear was caused by a lack of knowledge which lead eventually to my only little truism: You cannot fear what you truly know.
This became my guiding mantra the day I had what alcoholics commonly refer to as a moment of clarity. I wasn’t high, I was just sitting at a bus stop, about a week after trying to kill myself – I had failed and was forced to choose life (yes yes a clique). I was thinking how I was sick of living a Tool song existence and about why I was so intensely upset about a break-up that had occurred three years prior when I realised that it was form of transference of all my problems onto her. She had been my crutch for so long and when she whipped herself out from under my arm i had fallen.
I had fallen in love with "that" girl (you know the flower in the hair type, literally she was a flower) at a time when I had no-one – nada. My parents & siblings weren’t there – my so called friends used me for my socio-economic wealth - I’d go days without talking to people living with all the problems I’ve highlighted above. I was pathologically shy but at the same time I was being pulled under the dark water of depression – I wanted to scream I was alive but no one was there to hear until she came along....
Then all of a sudden this flower pops into my life and I fall head-over heels in love – I was like a dam wall that had broken and everything that was I was began pouring into the river that became our relationship. I spent two years, everyday, for about 6-8 hours a day with this person (we talk for 12 hours at a time on the phone, sneak out and spend most nights with each other). For that brief period although I was still depressed, I started to eat, I started going back to school, came first in many classes. You know that line is always on your report card for each subject “has ability but does not apply himself” – well for once I applied myself. I started to feel happy (only when I was with her). But like an addict, I wanted more – if I could of injected her into my veins I would of. I wanted to engulf her, literally become one – obviously this overwhelmed her, I started to spiral out of control, my love for her became more and more intense.
She couldn’t handle it, she made her own mistakes and left - I would of done the same if the shoe was on the other foot
This is when the walls of reality really came crashing down. I had a psychotic attack straight after the shock, it lasted about two weeks and resulted in drug overdose, a fire some fights and a few other things.
It was here I took to using smack with a passion that would make Irvine Welsh smile like a proud father.
I was back to where I started but two years of denial came smashing down onto me like a ton of bricks. Anger, depression, and psychosis, whatever you want to call it – I became fucking insane, it’s a blur but I know I did some pretty fucked up things. I hated myself and blamed her completely for it.
But truly how could she have caused so much pain when all she gave was love? Sure she made mistakes but they in hindsight were nothing, mere drops in a dam full of misery.
But like a dope I became fixated on those very slight mistakes. That’s why when I read in SLR about kids going through break-ups and how they blame their “sluts, cutter of a girlfriend” for their feelings I see an exact reflection of who I was when I was that age.
I had transferred all my pain onto this poor girl & blamed her for ills of my world – I wish I could make amends now I know it’s not her fault…but oh well.
When I realised what my root problems were I was suddenly released from the heart break I felt for this girl – it was gone, off my shoulders in a flash – three years of carrying this suffocating, exhausting insanity on my shoulders just vanished. I wasn’t cured but it was the first real step I ever took in my life.
I hadn't really lived - eyes wide shut. I cry as I think about that day – the day I became released from my slavery.
It was then I started to research my family, their life, what had moulded their time on this planet - I quickly found a pattern of transference and denial. Time after time, I saw things in their life, suicide, violence (physical and emotional), random events, and the resulting emotional maelstrom. I saw how a theft 150 years ago destroyed my mothers family creating a spiralling wreckage of suicide and physical violence. I saw how my mother’s grandfathered terrible life, culminating in his ritual suicide, cut his stomach open (one of the events caused by the theft) on Christmas Eve affected her and how his physical abuse changed their entire family. I saw how these long dark days were imprinted from her onto me. My grandfathers several years imprisonment during the war, not to mention his own problems (a terribly emotionally violent man that I have not seen since the age of 5) – my fathers side with his lack of a father and the over-compensation my grandmother gave as a result. I saw how this made him a lazy man, how it made the pain fester in him.
Why it clouded his decision making abilities and how it lead to his crowning “mistakes” (my brother and I) and how that made him so angry that life had taken control of his direction. His drug & emotional abuse and the break down of my family. How this breakdown was identical to my mothers family breakdown, how it was identical to his family breakdown and how they had just let their own family burn up like it had before them
All these events, how they float through the ages of time. The list can go forever – I’m trying to point out is that these memes are passed down, changed albeit slightly, but moving through time creating wreckage - these are what we have to fight against.
Memes of intolerance, and inability to understand/recognise and forgive.
In someways we are no better then a dog who's been beaten - of course we'll bite back. But it’s wrong because the bite will just case another beating and on it will go - forever
If I hadn’t gotten a grip, I would of probably gotten some girl pregnant and just passed all my bullshit on to my child. Just a continuation of this collective pain and insanity.
You have to take a stand. Learn about your life, who you are, where you came from. Where you parents came from. What happened to them. Did your mum have an abortion, does that explain why she over compensates when it comes to keeping you in the house at night. Your dad beat you - coz it made him a man right?
200 years may seem like a long time but that equates to literally decades worth of mistakes and no is fucking dealing with them!!
Recognise how these events will and impact your life. Remember that a flawed human with their passing of pain means their other philosophies of life must be held suspect - polluted. How can a wife beater have a coherent and structured approach to developing policy for societies law's?
How can we give the power of the vote to these people when they are guided by their demons?
So do what I did and become free from your demons. Maybe you need help, maybe you don't but fix those problems through dealing with them. Understand where you come from.
All of a sudden years of pain, fear and anger stopped because I understand, I knew – and once I understood how those people had done the very same mistakes I had how could I blame them. I learnt to forgive and reconcile. They made these mistakes under the same insanity, stress and pressure I was under.
A form of duress
People under estimate these things, especially the concept of reconciliation – you see that’s all the doctors are trying to do – is give you a moment of clarity so you can reconcile your problems. Sometimes they try teach you a structure to organise your thoughts and how to deal with them but ultimately it comes down to you.
The anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets are meant to give you some time off from the acute psychosomatic pain you’re going through. If you’re taking them but not recognising and reconciling your life then you’re no better then a fucked up smackie in the gutter. But thinking they cannot work because you mis-used them is just as wrong.
Believing a pill is a solution is wrong - a pill doesn’t teach you why your dad beat you with a wooden stick when you were young. A pill doesn’t teach you why you were left alone for days on end. A pill cannot teach forgiveness.
But the pill can give you that little bit of breathing space you need to realise those things.
The entire concept of mental institutions is that you taken away from the pain and placed in an artificially controlled environment where you can map out the root causes of emotional problems without shit being right in your face.
Sure it doesn’t work all the time but realigning some brainwave is not going to help you reconcile your problems.
We get hung up on the surface issues of life, deluded by our sub-consciousness that we have no problems, but we do. Truly we do and its time we take a stand and learn to do the “leg work”, slog through the mountains of pain to find that splinter and pull the fucker out with forgiveness and reconciliation.
Anyway I hereby end my rant and end with this:
The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, and your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
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