the love of my life went bad.
(disclaimer: i pasted this from a text file that i wrote a long time ago. i replaced the people's names with letters like i've seen other people do in trip reports... i think it looks incredibly dopey, but it's easy.. sorry if this is too long).
I love tripping. I love the mind games, the visuals, the feeling of being electronic, the ideas, and I especially love how close it can bring two people. I've done LSD probably a hundred times in my life, and I never once had a bad experience until this day in June 2000.
It was a few weeks after the second most amazing acid experience of my life, which I should probably document one of these days. R. came across a new guy who sold acid, and we were all incredibly excited to take it this weekend. R. and his girlfriend, A., came over Friday night, and had split a sugar cube. A. was tripping pretty hard, while R. hardly felt anything. Obviously A. got the good part of the cube!
We (G. and I) got our hits from R. and decided to save them for the next day. G. loves tripping in the daytime, while I'm more of a night tripper. While I love the trees and patterns in the grass during the day, I can't turn my back on my good friends, The Lights.
Saturday, around 4pm, we each took our sugarcubes in G.'s apartment. We watched TV for about a hour in silent anticipation, but didn't feel a thing. We decided to take a walk across the street to the drugstore to purchase some agave cactus snapple (mmm), and we both started to feel slightly silly while crossing the intersection. Nice timing! We got to the store and roamed around, playing with the stuffed animals, etc. We were definitely not tripping nearly as hard as we could have been.. I kept thinking back to high school, when I used to eat acid every day and I'd need to take several hits in order to feel anything more than the "i just took an unidentified drug" feeling. I was afraid it was going to be like that again.. I decided to wait it out, and so did G.
We walked back to his apartment and sat down on the couch once again. It had been 1 hour and 45 minutes, and we still did not feel as though we were full-fledged tripping. This was only G's second time tripping, so I had to try to assure him that it's definitely possible for it to take this long to kick in, though I was definitely having my doubts.
We decided to drive over to R. and A's place to see what they were up to. They ate two cubes as we walked in the door, but I felt the need to warn them about their lack of potency. It was hard for A. to believe, because she was beyond fucked up the night before.
We went out and came back and sat around the living room. It had been 3 hours for G. and I, and we were still hardly feeling it. R. and A. were not feeling it at all at this point. We smoked a little weed to get our spirits up, and it definitely did the trick. Slowly but surely, I started feeling it more and more. I was beginning to see the electronic outlines of everything.. everything seemed to vibrate very fast, and eminated the color of acid (you know exactly what I mean! that beautiful color that you've only seen while tripping!). It wasn't intense, but it was there. Come to think of it, I think that's what the problem with this whole trip was. I knew I took acid, but I was so obsessed with the fact that it wasn't strong. It just made me miserable. I kept smoking more weed to make up for it.
When R. and A. started feeling it, we watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It was interesting to watch in this condition, as I'd imagined it to be. The fact that I was able to concentrate on a movie really upset me. I wanted to be tripping, full on. So did everyone else. We decided to take some MDMA (highbeams - SUPER fucking speedy).. each of us taking one pill. We hardly even rolled! We tookanother, and had a minimal roll. Our minds were too cloudy to appreciate it, though candyflips in the past have been amazing.
I knew how uncomfortable G. was. I felt it. We kept making eye contact, and I noticed that we were definitely talking to each other without words. We knew exactly what the other wanted, and it was starting to scare us. Sure, that's happened to me before - you're tripping, and you're on the exact same wavelength as the person you're with. You feel attached. You feel like you are the same person. That's how we felt, except our thoughts were horrible. We started to scare ourselves. We couldn't talk about it because nobody else was thinking that way. We looked at each other and both needed to get out of there. We got in the car and G. started to drive away. Not a word was said for a few blocks.
"What's happening?" he asked me. I was so glad he asked me that, yet totally petrified to face the answer, whatever it was.
"I don't know. I'm scared." I told him. He told me he was scared to.
"What do we do in this situation?" he asked. I told him I didn't know, and that we shouldn't think about it. Obviously, that wasn't going to help.
We went into his apartment and set the lighting scheme to a comfortable one. We paced around the apartment, trying to articulate what exactly was going on. Something horrible was happening, or going to happen. We both knew this. I was afraid to start crying because I didn't think I could stop. I have never been so petrified in my entire life. We kept telling each other and ourselves that there was nothing weird going on, and that this was in our heads. The thought of this being "just in my head" was the scariest thing of all, though. I started to think I was going crazy. I KNEW I was going crazy. I started hearing screaming in my head. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew it involved me dying of fear. Is that possible? The whole time this was happening, we kept talking about how we were so petrified about the fact that we could read each other's minds. We knew how much this meant to each other, but at the same time it was just such a BIG concept to grasp. Too amazing to handle. I couldn't comprehend it. I should probably thank the MDMA making me not understand anything that was going on.
I tried to stay strong for G., who's second trip was just looking terrible. I kept making excuses for why this has never happened to me before. I had to make sure that we were going to recover. We talked about everything going through our heads, and we knew exactly how the other felt. I couldn't get over how the weakest acid I've ever done gave me such a horrible trip. It was kind of laughable at this point, but we were still so scared. We laid on the floor and held each other until we decided to try to sleep.
I've tried to sleep while tripping before. It's not a good idea. We bought sleeping pills earlier in the day, and I decided to take the recommended dosage (2 pills). Tried to sleep for 2 hours, didn't work. I took 3 more sleeping pills (don't try this at home kids- it's a really stupid idea, and i was so fucked up i just wanted to fix myself) and that also didn't work. Eventually, I took 4 valerian root and drank a whole lot of water. That put me to sleep, finally.
The next day, I felt incredibly anxious and uneasy. My body ached, but I felt like I played a really intense mind game. I felt like my brain got excersize.
But I'm still scared. I've been scared for a really long time. I have a real problem with being afraid of everything, and this made me afraid of LSD, my favorite thing in the world besides my cat. I know that this was really shitty acid and that all of the factors mentioned above contributed to my shitty trip, and I know that I'd jump at the chance to do more in a second, but I still have that fear that I'm afraid won't ever go away.
[Fixed title -Splatt]
(disclaimer: i pasted this from a text file that i wrote a long time ago. i replaced the people's names with letters like i've seen other people do in trip reports... i think it looks incredibly dopey, but it's easy.. sorry if this is too long).
I love tripping. I love the mind games, the visuals, the feeling of being electronic, the ideas, and I especially love how close it can bring two people. I've done LSD probably a hundred times in my life, and I never once had a bad experience until this day in June 2000.
It was a few weeks after the second most amazing acid experience of my life, which I should probably document one of these days. R. came across a new guy who sold acid, and we were all incredibly excited to take it this weekend. R. and his girlfriend, A., came over Friday night, and had split a sugar cube. A. was tripping pretty hard, while R. hardly felt anything. Obviously A. got the good part of the cube!
We (G. and I) got our hits from R. and decided to save them for the next day. G. loves tripping in the daytime, while I'm more of a night tripper. While I love the trees and patterns in the grass during the day, I can't turn my back on my good friends, The Lights.
Saturday, around 4pm, we each took our sugarcubes in G.'s apartment. We watched TV for about a hour in silent anticipation, but didn't feel a thing. We decided to take a walk across the street to the drugstore to purchase some agave cactus snapple (mmm), and we both started to feel slightly silly while crossing the intersection. Nice timing! We got to the store and roamed around, playing with the stuffed animals, etc. We were definitely not tripping nearly as hard as we could have been.. I kept thinking back to high school, when I used to eat acid every day and I'd need to take several hits in order to feel anything more than the "i just took an unidentified drug" feeling. I was afraid it was going to be like that again.. I decided to wait it out, and so did G.
We walked back to his apartment and sat down on the couch once again. It had been 1 hour and 45 minutes, and we still did not feel as though we were full-fledged tripping. This was only G's second time tripping, so I had to try to assure him that it's definitely possible for it to take this long to kick in, though I was definitely having my doubts.
We decided to drive over to R. and A's place to see what they were up to. They ate two cubes as we walked in the door, but I felt the need to warn them about their lack of potency. It was hard for A. to believe, because she was beyond fucked up the night before.
We went out and came back and sat around the living room. It had been 3 hours for G. and I, and we were still hardly feeling it. R. and A. were not feeling it at all at this point. We smoked a little weed to get our spirits up, and it definitely did the trick. Slowly but surely, I started feeling it more and more. I was beginning to see the electronic outlines of everything.. everything seemed to vibrate very fast, and eminated the color of acid (you know exactly what I mean! that beautiful color that you've only seen while tripping!). It wasn't intense, but it was there. Come to think of it, I think that's what the problem with this whole trip was. I knew I took acid, but I was so obsessed with the fact that it wasn't strong. It just made me miserable. I kept smoking more weed to make up for it.
When R. and A. started feeling it, we watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It was interesting to watch in this condition, as I'd imagined it to be. The fact that I was able to concentrate on a movie really upset me. I wanted to be tripping, full on. So did everyone else. We decided to take some MDMA (highbeams - SUPER fucking speedy).. each of us taking one pill. We hardly even rolled! We tookanother, and had a minimal roll. Our minds were too cloudy to appreciate it, though candyflips in the past have been amazing.
I knew how uncomfortable G. was. I felt it. We kept making eye contact, and I noticed that we were definitely talking to each other without words. We knew exactly what the other wanted, and it was starting to scare us. Sure, that's happened to me before - you're tripping, and you're on the exact same wavelength as the person you're with. You feel attached. You feel like you are the same person. That's how we felt, except our thoughts were horrible. We started to scare ourselves. We couldn't talk about it because nobody else was thinking that way. We looked at each other and both needed to get out of there. We got in the car and G. started to drive away. Not a word was said for a few blocks.
"What's happening?" he asked me. I was so glad he asked me that, yet totally petrified to face the answer, whatever it was.
"I don't know. I'm scared." I told him. He told me he was scared to.
"What do we do in this situation?" he asked. I told him I didn't know, and that we shouldn't think about it. Obviously, that wasn't going to help.
We went into his apartment and set the lighting scheme to a comfortable one. We paced around the apartment, trying to articulate what exactly was going on. Something horrible was happening, or going to happen. We both knew this. I was afraid to start crying because I didn't think I could stop. I have never been so petrified in my entire life. We kept telling each other and ourselves that there was nothing weird going on, and that this was in our heads. The thought of this being "just in my head" was the scariest thing of all, though. I started to think I was going crazy. I KNEW I was going crazy. I started hearing screaming in my head. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew it involved me dying of fear. Is that possible? The whole time this was happening, we kept talking about how we were so petrified about the fact that we could read each other's minds. We knew how much this meant to each other, but at the same time it was just such a BIG concept to grasp. Too amazing to handle. I couldn't comprehend it. I should probably thank the MDMA making me not understand anything that was going on.
I tried to stay strong for G., who's second trip was just looking terrible. I kept making excuses for why this has never happened to me before. I had to make sure that we were going to recover. We talked about everything going through our heads, and we knew exactly how the other felt. I couldn't get over how the weakest acid I've ever done gave me such a horrible trip. It was kind of laughable at this point, but we were still so scared. We laid on the floor and held each other until we decided to try to sleep.
I've tried to sleep while tripping before. It's not a good idea. We bought sleeping pills earlier in the day, and I decided to take the recommended dosage (2 pills). Tried to sleep for 2 hours, didn't work. I took 3 more sleeping pills (don't try this at home kids- it's a really stupid idea, and i was so fucked up i just wanted to fix myself) and that also didn't work. Eventually, I took 4 valerian root and drank a whole lot of water. That put me to sleep, finally.
The next day, I felt incredibly anxious and uneasy. My body ached, but I felt like I played a really intense mind game. I felt like my brain got excersize.
But I'm still scared. I've been scared for a really long time. I have a real problem with being afraid of everything, and this made me afraid of LSD, my favorite thing in the world besides my cat. I know that this was really shitty acid and that all of the factors mentioned above contributed to my shitty trip, and I know that I'd jump at the chance to do more in a second, but I still have that fear that I'm afraid won't ever go away.
[Fixed title -Splatt]
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