shizzy
Bluelighter
LSD, Ecstasy, Marrijuana - Experienced - "Reborn"
I've almost remembered everything now... I'll try to recall the events as the happened to the best of my knowledge, this may take some time to read... As it will indeed take some will power to recall, but please read..it is important i share such an AMAZING experience with you all.
*All the names below are fake.
It was a saturday night. Me and my two friends were unbeleivably excited about the rave we were on our way to. It was an enormous rave and a one of my favorite venues (the rave was two tribes) and i was well equiped for the night.
earlier that day i had bought two pills (white rolexes) that i was told had a very high content of mdma and two acid tabs (rolling stones) which i know from experience to be rather potent.
i was overly eager, i had decided to take half my drugs before we had even entered the rave. i took a pill out of the saddie bag and bit it in half. as always the taste was almost unbearable but i chewed knowing the quicker it was down the faster i would get high. once that half was washed down i took the other half and placed it under my tounge. ive been told that doing it this way gets it into the blood stream quicker which makes you come up quicker, later i found that to be true.
my friend wicks had to run back to the car to grab something so myself and peg waited.
wicks was only about 2 minutes and as soon as he got back i wanted to take an acid tab. i asked wicks and peg to huddle just to cover the wind from blowing the tiny square peice of paper away, big mistake. as i was fumbling with the bag i glanced up and saw a police car watching me. i immediatly put the drugs back in my pocket and tried to walk away. to my horror the police car charged towards me and stopped right in front of me and damnaded that i come near them for a search.
my heart was pounding, i was sweating, i was scared, not that i might be caught. i was scared that they would take my drugs before i could ingest them.
i dont remember the exact words they said, but it was something along the lines of them thinking i was a drug dealer. they ordered me take empty my pockets, at this point i was absolutly skching out, i had taken no precautions, the acid was in a saddie in one pocket and my other pill and wicks pill was in the other pocket.
i took eevrything out of the left pocket, smiley stickers and some coins. i left the acid in the pocket. i then went to empty the right pocket, just some ciggerets, a ten dollar note and a lighter. in the smaller coin pocket i had a vix inhaler and the pills.
the two cops asked me to turn out my pockets and i cringed. i knew theyed see the acid. but as i turned out the left pocket i took the acid in my hand and turn out the right pocket and spread my arms so they could pat me down. i was pouring sweat. i was astonished they hadnt noticed me take the acid in hand.
one then proceded to pat me down. He then felt the vix in my right pocket and asked me what it was. i freaked, i said "oh thats just some vix inhailer" and took it out of my pocket leaving the pills in there. they looked at me for a moment, i could tell they knew i had drugs on my but were shocked to find none. they gave me back all my possesions then asked me for my name. the first cop was about to write my name down when suddenly after hearing something on the radio he jumped in his car and tore off.
i stood there...heart beating a mile a minute...i turned and walked slowly towards wicks and peg. then suddenly i couldnt contain myself, i began screeming with joy, my grin was the largest i had ever felt i was jumping and running so unbeleivably happy that i had gotten away with it.
we all very happily proceded to go into the rave. but first i wanted to take some acid. i went to a smaller, darker, safer corner and placed the square on my tounge. happily i began to line up to get inside two tribes.
in the line i began to feel and odd churning in my stomach and looked around and noticed there was something alittle off about my vision. it could only mean one thing. the pill was beginning to work. it had only been half an hour and i was slowly coming up. this brought a very large smile to my face.
after what seemed an eternity we were finally through the gates and into the rave. wicks wanted his pill right away and i happily obliged. pegs and myself waited for a bit while wicks found some liquid to down the pill with.
i noticed my body was slowing down, becoming devoid of any energy whatsoever. this didnt scare me, it always happens to me when i come up so it only made me happier. me wicks and pegs decided to take a look around it was only about 9:50 pm so we figured wed check out what this rave had to offer.
half an hour went by rather uneventful, this looked like it was going to be a decent rave i was coming up harder now and i had an unbeleivable thirst for a ciggeret. i whiped out some ciggies and smoked deeper than was needed. "it felt GREAT!" i thought to myself, no sooner was the thought finished that it was overlaping itself, the words were running into each other like some sort of weird chime.
dismissing the the momentary lapse of thought i stood up and to my surprise noticed my legs were shakey and i could hardly stand. i attempted to walk but found i couldnt. i sat back down and smoked ciggerets while wicks began to come up on his pill. he asked me if mine was working and i nodded in the affirmitive. wicks smiled, quite obviously his was too.
after another ten minutes of this i was simply staring at the ground and wicks suggested we all go into the main arena. what a marvilous idea i thought, then another voice came into my head with the word "indeed". i stood still for a moment and just dismissed that as me being an idiot.
all of a sudden the music that was playing hit me, warmth emitted from my chest. i absolutly LOOOVED this music, i screamed "DEAR GOD WICK! LETS DANCE!!!" he grinned back and began to walk for the main arena. as i attempted to walk, again, i noticed my legs would not move, they were stiff, i had...forgotten how to use them. in my head i asked my legs "umm...can you like, move forward" i felt the question as a sort of warm light move from my brain and it shot down to my right leg. it moved foward. i was shocked, this was WEIRD! i looked at the left leg and willed it to do the same. it was little easier this time, but again i felt the message move from my brain to my leg.
I WAS WALKING! i beamed with pride, and then again, that odd voice, entered my head, but this time it felt like a presence it said something like "very good shizzy, but theres more" i was still walking and still smiling at my own acomplishment but felt rather weird. i did not just think those words. something else did.
i waved it away and latched onto wicks bag, it was alot easier to walk that way - soon we were enter the main arena, absolute joy was flowing through my body, i almost felt like i was floating with happiness.
we were inside, we charged through, we were rippin through the crowd! nothing could stop us now, we were moving at light speed, the very air was bending around my eyes! "oh yeah!" i thought, "fuckin oath yeah!" reapeated the voice i smiled and screemed "foooook yah!!"
we were just hallin through the crowd, like a bull at a gate. suddenly we came to a thunderous halt, it was perfect, we were in the middle of the main arena, my body felt magical, it was amazing this new emotion i was feeling, greater than joy, stronger than love, it was excitment and anticipation, it was nervousness all of it, all meleded into one and absolutly surging through my body.
i felt my legs give way under the sheer weight of it all, i didnt mind i felt great. i sat down and crossed my legs. my back arched and my chest came flying foward as the music seemed to throw its fist tearing through my chest taking hold of my heart and pulling my upwards.
i saw the ceiling miles above me spinning then the floor coming up to meet me. i realised the odd position my body was in and corrected myself.
i was nodding my head furiously to the beat. "this is what life is about" i thought, "nothing could be better" i said. then the presence "oh but there is more". i stopped, all the music stopped, everything froze. i heared this soft calm wind pass my ears, i took no notice, for some reason none of it seemed odd to me. i said in my head "show me more" and the simple reply came "i will" it was then that i noticed that the presence in my head had my own voice yet it wasnt me.
suddenly movement. the music hit my again. again i was bouncing my head and then the presence said "more" and somehow i knew he ment for me to take the rest of my drugs, not only that but he wanted me to move outside and take them.
roughly an hour and a half had passed so i had no problems with taking my other drugs. i stood up rather awkawrdly, it just seemed strange to me that i should have the power to propel my body upwards. i screemed into wicks ear "I NEEED TO GO OUTSIDE!"
wick began to make his way out and i latched onto his bag. i hear the thrusters power up. i felt the turbines charging. the words came to me, not heard in my head, but heard in my ears "THREE! TWO! ONE! TWO! THREE OH THREE!! CHAAAAARGGGGGGE!" i went flying. my head ripped back at the force of the ignition. i saw faces pass my by in a hundredth of a second i looked at the back of wicks head and could see he was moving at such a spead that there was fire bending around his face as if he were coming into earth on re entry.
as we exited the mian arena everything slowed down to a stop. i stood there dumbfounded. WHAT A JOURNEY! i'd never moved at that speed before, it was amazing the presence enter my head "there is more than that, more will be revealed with 'MORE'"
i knew he ment take more drugs, i was overly anxious to, i was about to charge away from my friends to find a spot to sit and consume. but as i looked around i saw none other than chloe maxwell and mike kerry from channe[V] doing interviews.
the words slowly but sureley left my mouth as i stood cm's from mikes face "oh...my...god...its channel v!" he laughed and smilied and the sound reverberated over and over again. then through the echoing laughter i heared him ask with total warmth in his voice "would you boys like to be on TV?"
i freaked, this was amazing, I WAS GOING TO BE ON TV!!! i expected to hear something from the presence but it wasnt there. i just stood there grinning chewing on a dummi in my mouth.
mike asked that we all stand together very closley. i was happy to oblige, so much love did i feel for my friends at that moment. suddenly a very bright light was blasted into our eyes, i couldnt see anything. then slowly i began to hear this odd inviting music, i began to hear a chior "angels" i thought to myself. in the light i saw people, smiling, they were inviting me...
I WAS SEEING HEAVEN! suddenly i was brought out of it when i heard chloe maxwells voice "now boys, what two things would you like most in the world right now?"
i cant remember pegs answer...i never told anyone about see heaven or my feelings afterwoulds but i was deeply sadend. the feeling passed in moments as soon as i heard wicks answer "you" he said, chloe ignored him "you!" he repeated, she said something incoherantly under her breath "NO NO, I WANT YOU!" he said for the third time. chloe absolutly BARRED him, burnt him to a crisp replying in a very malicous way "ERR! WRONG ANSWER!"
wicks sank back. i remember thinking he looked like he had just be struck in the face. i would have thought more on this but i was then brought out of my trance when the microphone was jammed in my face.
it was my turn to answer. i was silent for a moment, then A presence entered my head, not the presence. just some weird stupid voice which was my own "PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLS!" it repeated over and over. so naturally i answer chloe in a slurred strained voice "uhh...more pills!"
i cant remember what her reply was, it was something like "this boy likes his vitamins" i was to enthralled with the sound of her voice and my own. neither of them had seemed to stop. they were intertwining and reverberating in a way to hard to explain with words.
once that was over i remember saying to myself immediatly after "did that just happen" but before i could think about it i heard a screeching presence in my head "MORE MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!"
i demanded of wicks and pegs that we go sit on the grandstand. as soon as my butt was planted on the seat i began taking out my second pill. after all of this still only about an hour and 40 minutes had past. i did the pill in the same method i had before, i chewed half and put the other under my tounge for as long as i could. it was under there for about 2 minutes till i swallowed and placed the second acid ticket on my tounge.
i sat and waited, listening to wick speaking to someone we knew behind us, i wasnt paying much attention to what was in front of me. then i felt wicks hand on my shoulder and the question "is that jen" i looked over, i had no idea who he was talking about but shouted then name anyway. her head spun around and her face began to light up. it was so aglow with happiness i actually noticed the light surrounding her.
we sat and talked for awhile, and while we did so i felt absolute love for her. unbeleivable profound love. not the love between a man and a woman, but a greater love. love. love that i only feel for a few people. and a love that is only brought to the fore when im pilling - its there always, but unrealised until i take pills.
we must have sat and talked for awhile because i noticed the second lot of drugs taking affect before we had gotten up to do something. jen was just leaving as i was coming up again, she said she wanted to go find her friends. i was fine with that - for some odd reason i knew id see her again, even in the midst of 20 thousand ppl or so.
this but is slightly hazzing. something about it being to cold outside so we wanted to go into the hardcore arena. more hazziness in between...i was one minute outside, the next, inside sitting against a wall. i do however remember thinking to myself "maybe we went to fast for me to even notice" then the presence replied "no, you willed yourself here"
i screwed up my face and dismissed the remark, but left a chattering in the back of my mind about "what if hes right, what if i do have the ability to do that" of course i didnt try...just yet.
the presence kept demanding i go into the main area, so i asked wicks if we could go. he seemed to be getting pissed off and didnt want to go. i figured to myself, why the hell do i have to stick with him. i thought "screw this, im going".
i stood up and began to walk out when i figured i should probably tell wicks where im going. i turned back to talk to him and my heart stopped in shock.
i stood...wide eyed in terror...sitting next to wick was...was me! it took me a moment to get my bearings. i looked at my hands, this didnt help. they were twisting and morphing, moving and warping, wraping themselves around each other. i screemed. i screemed a loud, peircing, deafening screem. i closed my eyes, colours down a never ending tunnel spinning and moving, i opened my eyes and i was sitting back in my spot against the wall... terrified i begged wick to take me to the main arena.
a tad hazy, im not sure how i got him to agree but we made our way to the main arena. this time the speed was not astranomical..it was...weird.
we began moving through the press of people, their skulls all exposed, their thoughts were seeping out of their brain, colours were everywhere. i can see the peoples souls. i saw through their skin muscles, veins, bones, nerves, i saw it all, i saw the energy radiating from them, their life force flowing through them.
stars and planets flew around me they orbited around and inside of the peoples minds, their eyes were ablaze. colours of the whole spectrum tore through their veins.
bodies like liquid, intertwining moving through each other. tendrils stretching out flexing and wrapping into themselves.
two beings were kissing, i couldnt work out what sex they were as i could not see what everyone else was seeing, i was seeing beyond skin, flesh muscle bone, i saw their life. these two beings were apart of one another - the energies flowing from one and into the other, in a cycle. this magical light between them, so bright, brighter than the brightest star, warmer than the hottest fire beaming. creating. sharing.
i saw with new eyes, i hear with new ears "reborn" came the presence in my head. i replied with no answer...more of an inquisitive thought and the retort came "you are reborn, i told you there was more, here it is, the universe. yet there is more. life. it is being layed out before you shizzy. accept it. feel it. absorb it. understand it. know it. be it"
this revealtion was then emphasised as i felt my feet lift off the ground.
i watched the air, where before blankness, an absence of matter would reside. whereas now life, energy, it was speaking to me, singing to me i saw faces, i saw being form in the air. what i somwhow knew was a smile came from them, happyness was just emitting from the crowed it was beaming. these souls. thousands of them, thousands of them were glowing, emitting this light..not just light, a power, an energy it was shooting upwards in beams. blue, orange, green, red... all magnificant colours i have never seen before, never experienced like this.
i was floating, i looked down at my hands and saw i had none, i search of a body and saw it wasnt there. before i could panic the presence comforted me "dont be afraid, you are your true self, this is your concienciousness (spelling?) there is nothing more raw than now. you've been brought back to your basic life. you are life. share yourself. share life"
with what somehow felt like lungs i took a deep breath. as i exhailed my vision swirled, my whole consienciousness was warped around and exhailed.
WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!
this is amazing, im living life for the first time. no. i AM life for the first time!
i directed my persepctions towards the front of the room, where the dj was playing. what a source of energy! it appeard as though the life in the room was flowing towards that being, and from 20 feet up that can indeed be a sight. but then again, the presence was guiding me "this is life. but a form of it, the energies flowing towards the being are emotions"
as i watched i noticed that the energies were like tendrils of light...of warmth, they were wrapping around this being and were in turn shooting back forth towards the thousands of souls in thr room.
as i listened i heard all their thought. their emotions, it didnt come to me in words though...it came to me in...energy, its very hard to describe just what was going on.
suddenly my perspective shifted, i focused on two beings, again i couldnt decern wether they were male or female, but as i focused i got a hint of their lives, the more i thought about it the more came to me. suddenly i was plunging towards them, i was hurtling towards them at a fantastic speed, yet it was taking an eternity to get there.
after what seemed hours i finally reached the couple, i was inside them before i could take any note of what they were doing. although i knew who they were. in actual fact i can still tell you their names - claudia and james, their entire lives were layed before my eyes, their every thought was transfered to me.
i shot through the forehead of james, but rather than breaking the energies that flow around him, i asked them entry..and was granted.
i flew through his brain, i was getting smaller and smaller, deeper and deeper, i was going to the very basics of his body. at a point i stopped to coherse with his soul - it gave me warmth and love, light, energy...it was amazing, and it again showed me his thoughts, they were confused thoughts, we was actually feeling love for an entity he wasnt sure existed - me.
i then continued my journey, further, deeper, to the very depths of this being. i soon found myself actually going into cells, brain cells i believe. i was diving into his DNA, it was spirling around me, magnificent came my own thoughts and the thoughts of the presence "go deeper" i did.
i was soon deleving into the atoms that made up this being, i was souring through the electron clouds...dark, yet full of life, electrons spinning around me, gigantic balls of what looked to be electricity. i wanted to will myself inside them but the presence voice "no, to the core"
i shot forth at an alarming speed. heading straight for the nucleus. i was penetrating the barries of the protons and neutrons, i was through them, in them. "the secrets of the universe are so near"
then...still hurting me to this day, i was ripped back, i was utterly torn back through this being, ripped right before everything made scence.
suddenly before even completely leaving the being, before even leaving the DNA i was back in my own body.
i looked down at my hands, i touched my face - i almost began to weep...what had just happened? it could be possible.
then as i tried to make sence of everything a fimiliar smell enter my nose, marijuana. thats what had torn me, not a voice, not a person...then smell of weed - i was not at all happy about this, because more than likley i wasnt going to get some...i had almost discovered the secrets of the universe only to be brought back to be told i cant have any weed.
i turned to pegs, "hey...i smell weed!" "so do i!" came his reply. he looked at wick and snatched the ciggeret from his hand and handed it to me. i smelt it and was shocked, this definatly wasnt a ciggeret, i took a puff, and to my delight it was marijuana. wick then held up a packet of ciggeret and produced three more joints, heavily packed, and from the taste of it, possibly laced with something.
i was speechless...imagine that..."secrets of the universe or weed" i expected something from the prsence...but it was no longer there, somehow i knew it was gone, just the incesant rambling of my own mind talking utter crap about this or that.
the weed brought some comfort, but nothing could repair the damage just done. wick suddenly was off doing something and i sat there, scared, sad, alone. i called out for someone - i remember thinking i wanted a ciggeret, i called out for anyone.
suddenly a group of ppl sat next to me, and one girl in the group produced ciggerets and saw me and just offered me one. i hesitated for a moment, this truley did freak me out, i took the ciggeret a began smoking...oh how good it felt, but i was still alone
i cried inside my mind i called out, the one person i could think of, jen. in my mind i called out her name saying the words "kindred spirit" and the like. i needed her. sure enough, sheer minutes after i had called her name she came and sat beside me and began to speak.
i was dumbfounded, i was almost in tears with joy that she had come to my call, but at the same time utterly terrified.
one thing i should mention, just remember as i was typing this, my friend pegs constantly kept wondering off yet i kept feeling his "spirit" behind us, and some how he kept just running into us, just finding us - he wasnt behind us at all, i just "felt" he was.
anyhow the night was almost over and i was still heavily stuck in the trip, i was seeing things all over, hearing things every which way. it started to scare me.
eventually we were up and leaving, i was panicing, i was still heavily feeling my drugs and i couldnt ever imagine myself being normal again. i kept saying to myself "god this isnt going to stop, your going to be like this forever".
i was on the verge of telling wick to take me to a hospital. i didnt. but i also didnt get better until around 7 or 8 that night, i was still seeing and hearing things until around about 8 that night when i conked out asleep. i wasnt truley better till 3 days after, and still every now and then things seem weird to look at.
that was hard writing all of this down. you have no idea what its like to have something so profound taken away from you. this is actually the first time i was able to speak about it.
thankyou for reading, sorry about the length but well...if you read it you know why it was so long.
[ 08 March 2003: Message edited by: shizzy ]
[ 08 March 2003: Message edited by: shizzy ]
I've almost remembered everything now... I'll try to recall the events as the happened to the best of my knowledge, this may take some time to read... As it will indeed take some will power to recall, but please read..it is important i share such an AMAZING experience with you all.
*All the names below are fake.
It was a saturday night. Me and my two friends were unbeleivably excited about the rave we were on our way to. It was an enormous rave and a one of my favorite venues (the rave was two tribes) and i was well equiped for the night.
earlier that day i had bought two pills (white rolexes) that i was told had a very high content of mdma and two acid tabs (rolling stones) which i know from experience to be rather potent.
i was overly eager, i had decided to take half my drugs before we had even entered the rave. i took a pill out of the saddie bag and bit it in half. as always the taste was almost unbearable but i chewed knowing the quicker it was down the faster i would get high. once that half was washed down i took the other half and placed it under my tounge. ive been told that doing it this way gets it into the blood stream quicker which makes you come up quicker, later i found that to be true.
my friend wicks had to run back to the car to grab something so myself and peg waited.
wicks was only about 2 minutes and as soon as he got back i wanted to take an acid tab. i asked wicks and peg to huddle just to cover the wind from blowing the tiny square peice of paper away, big mistake. as i was fumbling with the bag i glanced up and saw a police car watching me. i immediatly put the drugs back in my pocket and tried to walk away. to my horror the police car charged towards me and stopped right in front of me and damnaded that i come near them for a search.
my heart was pounding, i was sweating, i was scared, not that i might be caught. i was scared that they would take my drugs before i could ingest them.
i dont remember the exact words they said, but it was something along the lines of them thinking i was a drug dealer. they ordered me take empty my pockets, at this point i was absolutly skching out, i had taken no precautions, the acid was in a saddie in one pocket and my other pill and wicks pill was in the other pocket.
i took eevrything out of the left pocket, smiley stickers and some coins. i left the acid in the pocket. i then went to empty the right pocket, just some ciggerets, a ten dollar note and a lighter. in the smaller coin pocket i had a vix inhaler and the pills.
the two cops asked me to turn out my pockets and i cringed. i knew theyed see the acid. but as i turned out the left pocket i took the acid in my hand and turn out the right pocket and spread my arms so they could pat me down. i was pouring sweat. i was astonished they hadnt noticed me take the acid in hand.
one then proceded to pat me down. He then felt the vix in my right pocket and asked me what it was. i freaked, i said "oh thats just some vix inhailer" and took it out of my pocket leaving the pills in there. they looked at me for a moment, i could tell they knew i had drugs on my but were shocked to find none. they gave me back all my possesions then asked me for my name. the first cop was about to write my name down when suddenly after hearing something on the radio he jumped in his car and tore off.
i stood there...heart beating a mile a minute...i turned and walked slowly towards wicks and peg. then suddenly i couldnt contain myself, i began screeming with joy, my grin was the largest i had ever felt i was jumping and running so unbeleivably happy that i had gotten away with it.
we all very happily proceded to go into the rave. but first i wanted to take some acid. i went to a smaller, darker, safer corner and placed the square on my tounge. happily i began to line up to get inside two tribes.
in the line i began to feel and odd churning in my stomach and looked around and noticed there was something alittle off about my vision. it could only mean one thing. the pill was beginning to work. it had only been half an hour and i was slowly coming up. this brought a very large smile to my face.
after what seemed an eternity we were finally through the gates and into the rave. wicks wanted his pill right away and i happily obliged. pegs and myself waited for a bit while wicks found some liquid to down the pill with.
i noticed my body was slowing down, becoming devoid of any energy whatsoever. this didnt scare me, it always happens to me when i come up so it only made me happier. me wicks and pegs decided to take a look around it was only about 9:50 pm so we figured wed check out what this rave had to offer.
half an hour went by rather uneventful, this looked like it was going to be a decent rave i was coming up harder now and i had an unbeleivable thirst for a ciggeret. i whiped out some ciggies and smoked deeper than was needed. "it felt GREAT!" i thought to myself, no sooner was the thought finished that it was overlaping itself, the words were running into each other like some sort of weird chime.
dismissing the the momentary lapse of thought i stood up and to my surprise noticed my legs were shakey and i could hardly stand. i attempted to walk but found i couldnt. i sat back down and smoked ciggerets while wicks began to come up on his pill. he asked me if mine was working and i nodded in the affirmitive. wicks smiled, quite obviously his was too.
after another ten minutes of this i was simply staring at the ground and wicks suggested we all go into the main arena. what a marvilous idea i thought, then another voice came into my head with the word "indeed". i stood still for a moment and just dismissed that as me being an idiot.
all of a sudden the music that was playing hit me, warmth emitted from my chest. i absolutly LOOOVED this music, i screamed "DEAR GOD WICK! LETS DANCE!!!" he grinned back and began to walk for the main arena. as i attempted to walk, again, i noticed my legs would not move, they were stiff, i had...forgotten how to use them. in my head i asked my legs "umm...can you like, move forward" i felt the question as a sort of warm light move from my brain and it shot down to my right leg. it moved foward. i was shocked, this was WEIRD! i looked at the left leg and willed it to do the same. it was little easier this time, but again i felt the message move from my brain to my leg.
I WAS WALKING! i beamed with pride, and then again, that odd voice, entered my head, but this time it felt like a presence it said something like "very good shizzy, but theres more" i was still walking and still smiling at my own acomplishment but felt rather weird. i did not just think those words. something else did.
i waved it away and latched onto wicks bag, it was alot easier to walk that way - soon we were enter the main arena, absolute joy was flowing through my body, i almost felt like i was floating with happiness.
we were inside, we charged through, we were rippin through the crowd! nothing could stop us now, we were moving at light speed, the very air was bending around my eyes! "oh yeah!" i thought, "fuckin oath yeah!" reapeated the voice i smiled and screemed "foooook yah!!"
we were just hallin through the crowd, like a bull at a gate. suddenly we came to a thunderous halt, it was perfect, we were in the middle of the main arena, my body felt magical, it was amazing this new emotion i was feeling, greater than joy, stronger than love, it was excitment and anticipation, it was nervousness all of it, all meleded into one and absolutly surging through my body.
i felt my legs give way under the sheer weight of it all, i didnt mind i felt great. i sat down and crossed my legs. my back arched and my chest came flying foward as the music seemed to throw its fist tearing through my chest taking hold of my heart and pulling my upwards.
i saw the ceiling miles above me spinning then the floor coming up to meet me. i realised the odd position my body was in and corrected myself.
i was nodding my head furiously to the beat. "this is what life is about" i thought, "nothing could be better" i said. then the presence "oh but there is more". i stopped, all the music stopped, everything froze. i heared this soft calm wind pass my ears, i took no notice, for some reason none of it seemed odd to me. i said in my head "show me more" and the simple reply came "i will" it was then that i noticed that the presence in my head had my own voice yet it wasnt me.
suddenly movement. the music hit my again. again i was bouncing my head and then the presence said "more" and somehow i knew he ment for me to take the rest of my drugs, not only that but he wanted me to move outside and take them.
roughly an hour and a half had passed so i had no problems with taking my other drugs. i stood up rather awkawrdly, it just seemed strange to me that i should have the power to propel my body upwards. i screemed into wicks ear "I NEEED TO GO OUTSIDE!"
wick began to make his way out and i latched onto his bag. i hear the thrusters power up. i felt the turbines charging. the words came to me, not heard in my head, but heard in my ears "THREE! TWO! ONE! TWO! THREE OH THREE!! CHAAAAARGGGGGGE!" i went flying. my head ripped back at the force of the ignition. i saw faces pass my by in a hundredth of a second i looked at the back of wicks head and could see he was moving at such a spead that there was fire bending around his face as if he were coming into earth on re entry.
as we exited the mian arena everything slowed down to a stop. i stood there dumbfounded. WHAT A JOURNEY! i'd never moved at that speed before, it was amazing the presence enter my head "there is more than that, more will be revealed with 'MORE'"
i knew he ment take more drugs, i was overly anxious to, i was about to charge away from my friends to find a spot to sit and consume. but as i looked around i saw none other than chloe maxwell and mike kerry from channe[V] doing interviews.
the words slowly but sureley left my mouth as i stood cm's from mikes face "oh...my...god...its channel v!" he laughed and smilied and the sound reverberated over and over again. then through the echoing laughter i heared him ask with total warmth in his voice "would you boys like to be on TV?"
i freaked, this was amazing, I WAS GOING TO BE ON TV!!! i expected to hear something from the presence but it wasnt there. i just stood there grinning chewing on a dummi in my mouth.
mike asked that we all stand together very closley. i was happy to oblige, so much love did i feel for my friends at that moment. suddenly a very bright light was blasted into our eyes, i couldnt see anything. then slowly i began to hear this odd inviting music, i began to hear a chior "angels" i thought to myself. in the light i saw people, smiling, they were inviting me...
I WAS SEEING HEAVEN! suddenly i was brought out of it when i heard chloe maxwells voice "now boys, what two things would you like most in the world right now?"
i cant remember pegs answer...i never told anyone about see heaven or my feelings afterwoulds but i was deeply sadend. the feeling passed in moments as soon as i heard wicks answer "you" he said, chloe ignored him "you!" he repeated, she said something incoherantly under her breath "NO NO, I WANT YOU!" he said for the third time. chloe absolutly BARRED him, burnt him to a crisp replying in a very malicous way "ERR! WRONG ANSWER!"
wicks sank back. i remember thinking he looked like he had just be struck in the face. i would have thought more on this but i was then brought out of my trance when the microphone was jammed in my face.
it was my turn to answer. i was silent for a moment, then A presence entered my head, not the presence. just some weird stupid voice which was my own "PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLS!" it repeated over and over. so naturally i answer chloe in a slurred strained voice "uhh...more pills!"
i cant remember what her reply was, it was something like "this boy likes his vitamins" i was to enthralled with the sound of her voice and my own. neither of them had seemed to stop. they were intertwining and reverberating in a way to hard to explain with words.
once that was over i remember saying to myself immediatly after "did that just happen" but before i could think about it i heard a screeching presence in my head "MORE MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!"
i demanded of wicks and pegs that we go sit on the grandstand. as soon as my butt was planted on the seat i began taking out my second pill. after all of this still only about an hour and 40 minutes had past. i did the pill in the same method i had before, i chewed half and put the other under my tounge for as long as i could. it was under there for about 2 minutes till i swallowed and placed the second acid ticket on my tounge.
i sat and waited, listening to wick speaking to someone we knew behind us, i wasnt paying much attention to what was in front of me. then i felt wicks hand on my shoulder and the question "is that jen" i looked over, i had no idea who he was talking about but shouted then name anyway. her head spun around and her face began to light up. it was so aglow with happiness i actually noticed the light surrounding her.
we sat and talked for awhile, and while we did so i felt absolute love for her. unbeleivable profound love. not the love between a man and a woman, but a greater love. love. love that i only feel for a few people. and a love that is only brought to the fore when im pilling - its there always, but unrealised until i take pills.
we must have sat and talked for awhile because i noticed the second lot of drugs taking affect before we had gotten up to do something. jen was just leaving as i was coming up again, she said she wanted to go find her friends. i was fine with that - for some odd reason i knew id see her again, even in the midst of 20 thousand ppl or so.
this but is slightly hazzing. something about it being to cold outside so we wanted to go into the hardcore arena. more hazziness in between...i was one minute outside, the next, inside sitting against a wall. i do however remember thinking to myself "maybe we went to fast for me to even notice" then the presence replied "no, you willed yourself here"
i screwed up my face and dismissed the remark, but left a chattering in the back of my mind about "what if hes right, what if i do have the ability to do that" of course i didnt try...just yet.
the presence kept demanding i go into the main area, so i asked wicks if we could go. he seemed to be getting pissed off and didnt want to go. i figured to myself, why the hell do i have to stick with him. i thought "screw this, im going".
i stood up and began to walk out when i figured i should probably tell wicks where im going. i turned back to talk to him and my heart stopped in shock.
i stood...wide eyed in terror...sitting next to wick was...was me! it took me a moment to get my bearings. i looked at my hands, this didnt help. they were twisting and morphing, moving and warping, wraping themselves around each other. i screemed. i screemed a loud, peircing, deafening screem. i closed my eyes, colours down a never ending tunnel spinning and moving, i opened my eyes and i was sitting back in my spot against the wall... terrified i begged wick to take me to the main arena.
a tad hazy, im not sure how i got him to agree but we made our way to the main arena. this time the speed was not astranomical..it was...weird.
we began moving through the press of people, their skulls all exposed, their thoughts were seeping out of their brain, colours were everywhere. i can see the peoples souls. i saw through their skin muscles, veins, bones, nerves, i saw it all, i saw the energy radiating from them, their life force flowing through them.
stars and planets flew around me they orbited around and inside of the peoples minds, their eyes were ablaze. colours of the whole spectrum tore through their veins.
bodies like liquid, intertwining moving through each other. tendrils stretching out flexing and wrapping into themselves.
two beings were kissing, i couldnt work out what sex they were as i could not see what everyone else was seeing, i was seeing beyond skin, flesh muscle bone, i saw their life. these two beings were apart of one another - the energies flowing from one and into the other, in a cycle. this magical light between them, so bright, brighter than the brightest star, warmer than the hottest fire beaming. creating. sharing.
i saw with new eyes, i hear with new ears "reborn" came the presence in my head. i replied with no answer...more of an inquisitive thought and the retort came "you are reborn, i told you there was more, here it is, the universe. yet there is more. life. it is being layed out before you shizzy. accept it. feel it. absorb it. understand it. know it. be it"
this revealtion was then emphasised as i felt my feet lift off the ground.
i watched the air, where before blankness, an absence of matter would reside. whereas now life, energy, it was speaking to me, singing to me i saw faces, i saw being form in the air. what i somwhow knew was a smile came from them, happyness was just emitting from the crowed it was beaming. these souls. thousands of them, thousands of them were glowing, emitting this light..not just light, a power, an energy it was shooting upwards in beams. blue, orange, green, red... all magnificant colours i have never seen before, never experienced like this.
i was floating, i looked down at my hands and saw i had none, i search of a body and saw it wasnt there. before i could panic the presence comforted me "dont be afraid, you are your true self, this is your concienciousness (spelling?) there is nothing more raw than now. you've been brought back to your basic life. you are life. share yourself. share life"
with what somehow felt like lungs i took a deep breath. as i exhailed my vision swirled, my whole consienciousness was warped around and exhailed.
WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!
this is amazing, im living life for the first time. no. i AM life for the first time!
i directed my persepctions towards the front of the room, where the dj was playing. what a source of energy! it appeard as though the life in the room was flowing towards that being, and from 20 feet up that can indeed be a sight. but then again, the presence was guiding me "this is life. but a form of it, the energies flowing towards the being are emotions"
as i watched i noticed that the energies were like tendrils of light...of warmth, they were wrapping around this being and were in turn shooting back forth towards the thousands of souls in thr room.
as i listened i heard all their thought. their emotions, it didnt come to me in words though...it came to me in...energy, its very hard to describe just what was going on.
suddenly my perspective shifted, i focused on two beings, again i couldnt decern wether they were male or female, but as i focused i got a hint of their lives, the more i thought about it the more came to me. suddenly i was plunging towards them, i was hurtling towards them at a fantastic speed, yet it was taking an eternity to get there.
after what seemed hours i finally reached the couple, i was inside them before i could take any note of what they were doing. although i knew who they were. in actual fact i can still tell you their names - claudia and james, their entire lives were layed before my eyes, their every thought was transfered to me.
i shot through the forehead of james, but rather than breaking the energies that flow around him, i asked them entry..and was granted.
i flew through his brain, i was getting smaller and smaller, deeper and deeper, i was going to the very basics of his body. at a point i stopped to coherse with his soul - it gave me warmth and love, light, energy...it was amazing, and it again showed me his thoughts, they were confused thoughts, we was actually feeling love for an entity he wasnt sure existed - me.
i then continued my journey, further, deeper, to the very depths of this being. i soon found myself actually going into cells, brain cells i believe. i was diving into his DNA, it was spirling around me, magnificent came my own thoughts and the thoughts of the presence "go deeper" i did.
i was soon deleving into the atoms that made up this being, i was souring through the electron clouds...dark, yet full of life, electrons spinning around me, gigantic balls of what looked to be electricity. i wanted to will myself inside them but the presence voice "no, to the core"
i shot forth at an alarming speed. heading straight for the nucleus. i was penetrating the barries of the protons and neutrons, i was through them, in them. "the secrets of the universe are so near"
then...still hurting me to this day, i was ripped back, i was utterly torn back through this being, ripped right before everything made scence.
suddenly before even completely leaving the being, before even leaving the DNA i was back in my own body.
i looked down at my hands, i touched my face - i almost began to weep...what had just happened? it could be possible.
then as i tried to make sence of everything a fimiliar smell enter my nose, marijuana. thats what had torn me, not a voice, not a person...then smell of weed - i was not at all happy about this, because more than likley i wasnt going to get some...i had almost discovered the secrets of the universe only to be brought back to be told i cant have any weed.
i turned to pegs, "hey...i smell weed!" "so do i!" came his reply. he looked at wick and snatched the ciggeret from his hand and handed it to me. i smelt it and was shocked, this definatly wasnt a ciggeret, i took a puff, and to my delight it was marijuana. wick then held up a packet of ciggeret and produced three more joints, heavily packed, and from the taste of it, possibly laced with something.
i was speechless...imagine that..."secrets of the universe or weed" i expected something from the prsence...but it was no longer there, somehow i knew it was gone, just the incesant rambling of my own mind talking utter crap about this or that.
the weed brought some comfort, but nothing could repair the damage just done. wick suddenly was off doing something and i sat there, scared, sad, alone. i called out for someone - i remember thinking i wanted a ciggeret, i called out for anyone.
suddenly a group of ppl sat next to me, and one girl in the group produced ciggerets and saw me and just offered me one. i hesitated for a moment, this truley did freak me out, i took the ciggeret a began smoking...oh how good it felt, but i was still alone
i cried inside my mind i called out, the one person i could think of, jen. in my mind i called out her name saying the words "kindred spirit" and the like. i needed her. sure enough, sheer minutes after i had called her name she came and sat beside me and began to speak.
i was dumbfounded, i was almost in tears with joy that she had come to my call, but at the same time utterly terrified.
one thing i should mention, just remember as i was typing this, my friend pegs constantly kept wondering off yet i kept feeling his "spirit" behind us, and some how he kept just running into us, just finding us - he wasnt behind us at all, i just "felt" he was.
anyhow the night was almost over and i was still heavily stuck in the trip, i was seeing things all over, hearing things every which way. it started to scare me.
eventually we were up and leaving, i was panicing, i was still heavily feeling my drugs and i couldnt ever imagine myself being normal again. i kept saying to myself "god this isnt going to stop, your going to be like this forever".
i was on the verge of telling wick to take me to a hospital. i didnt. but i also didnt get better until around 7 or 8 that night, i was still seeing and hearing things until around about 8 that night when i conked out asleep. i wasnt truley better till 3 days after, and still every now and then things seem weird to look at.
that was hard writing all of this down. you have no idea what its like to have something so profound taken away from you. this is actually the first time i was able to speak about it.
thankyou for reading, sorry about the length but well...if you read it you know why it was so long.
[ 08 March 2003: Message edited by: shizzy ]
[ 08 March 2003: Message edited by: shizzy ]
