kidklmx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 16, 2012
- Messages
- 1,311
I have a bit of troubles with MDMA. It's not that I'm addicted or anything, but the clinker it gives to my head is unbearable. For days I'm lingering in depression, suicidality and self-loathing. What exactly causes this is unknown to me (I'm quite heavily depressed, might have something to do with it), and supplements don't seem to work things out.
This has caused me to stop using (and abusing) MDMA, but last Saturday a new trip arose and I just couldn't say no. That night was so amazing it'd be worthy of it's own trip-report. I learned that I truly LOVE the girl I did the MDMA with. Not the "you make my wee-wee move" kind-of love (which feels very much like real love, mind you), but rather a love in the same vein as some of you older guys love your wife. Hard to describe, but sometimes you just "know". Beautiful and eye-opening, to say the least. The days following, though, were hell.
Suddenly, I felt like she and I could never be together. That I could never make something of my life and I'd never feel happy again. My thoughts were racing as if I were a schizophrenic, or rather that's the connection I made at the time. I knew the MDMA had something to do with this, but somehow it felt different from other MDMA crashes and surely I was in a dark dark place.
Wednesday I had an appointment with my psychotherapist. My day went on miserably like before, so when in the morning I read this report by Solipsis (as per a thread in PD on non-recreational use of psychs) I thought that would be exactly what I needed. I didn't expect a lower dose of LSD to be as powerful as it was though. I've experimented with low-dose psychs at raves before, and never has it had such a powerful effect on me.
What I did expect was a minor-alteration to my thought process which would allow me to take this session from a different view. We've been kinda stuck in the same place for a few weeks now, so something was definitely needed. And so I dropped my dose and went to the session.
It was good that I took the tab so late before going, because I would have lost my mind there in the session if I didn't. We talked about the various things I need to improve to get me out of this mess. I was more honest about myself, and had some interesting insights, but nothing note-worthy.
When I got home the LSD was quickly ramping up and the feelings I had from the dip were taking over. I went crazy, like proper high-dose "ugh I can't take this anymore" crazy. Seeing as I didn't expect to feel the way I did, I didn't account it to the LSD though. I should have, as my emotions were going down-hill fast. The elevator to samadhi was going the wrong way and soon I found myself writing a suicide letter. I wasn't going to do it right there and then, but I didn't think I was really tripping and I felt as if I was going to feel like this forever so I started making plans. [This still scares me a lot and I'm going to talk to my psychotherapist about this ASAP]
I was writhing in my bed, walking in circles. I looked at myself in the mirror, never did I think I was this ugly. I truly hated everything I saw, so I threw my mirror to smithereens. Mind you, I didn't think I was tripping so after that I had the idea I was having a psychotic episode. This circle of going bat-shit crazy went on for a while, and when I couldn't take it anymore I went to my mom. There we had a good talk for a looooooong time, which is something we haven't had in years. Again, I didn't think I was tripping so neither did she. During the conversation we made some plans for things to make me feel better and she's willing now to fund either an Iboga session or an Ayahausca session for me if things don't work out this summer.
This trip has been the most worthwhile trip I've ever had. Today I was happy again, I found myself looking for a job, me and my mom are actually writing some letters to send out for a job AND I've asked that girl out for an actual date.
Now what has caused this trip to go as far as it did? The MDMA crash is an obvious reason, plus there's a good chance I overshot my dosage. Those of you that read PD might know about my mishaps with a vial, a magazine and the Newtonian forces so my dosages are pretty much unkown. What can't be stressed out enough though, is that LSD is fucking (excuse moi) powerful. I also think the LSD did something to my receptors as I'm pretty much back to normal now. Normally I'd feel this way for weeks, so I totally get why Shulgin doses some LSD at the tail end of an MDMA experience. It allows you to integrate whatever, work with the issue at hand and gives you a more positive outlook. Not sure what else to say about this but I hope you enjoyed the read :D
This has caused me to stop using (and abusing) MDMA, but last Saturday a new trip arose and I just couldn't say no. That night was so amazing it'd be worthy of it's own trip-report. I learned that I truly LOVE the girl I did the MDMA with. Not the "you make my wee-wee move" kind-of love (which feels very much like real love, mind you), but rather a love in the same vein as some of you older guys love your wife. Hard to describe, but sometimes you just "know". Beautiful and eye-opening, to say the least. The days following, though, were hell.
Suddenly, I felt like she and I could never be together. That I could never make something of my life and I'd never feel happy again. My thoughts were racing as if I were a schizophrenic, or rather that's the connection I made at the time. I knew the MDMA had something to do with this, but somehow it felt different from other MDMA crashes and surely I was in a dark dark place.
Wednesday I had an appointment with my psychotherapist. My day went on miserably like before, so when in the morning I read this report by Solipsis (as per a thread in PD on non-recreational use of psychs) I thought that would be exactly what I needed. I didn't expect a lower dose of LSD to be as powerful as it was though. I've experimented with low-dose psychs at raves before, and never has it had such a powerful effect on me.
What I did expect was a minor-alteration to my thought process which would allow me to take this session from a different view. We've been kinda stuck in the same place for a few weeks now, so something was definitely needed. And so I dropped my dose and went to the session.
It was good that I took the tab so late before going, because I would have lost my mind there in the session if I didn't. We talked about the various things I need to improve to get me out of this mess. I was more honest about myself, and had some interesting insights, but nothing note-worthy.
When I got home the LSD was quickly ramping up and the feelings I had from the dip were taking over. I went crazy, like proper high-dose "ugh I can't take this anymore" crazy. Seeing as I didn't expect to feel the way I did, I didn't account it to the LSD though. I should have, as my emotions were going down-hill fast. The elevator to samadhi was going the wrong way and soon I found myself writing a suicide letter. I wasn't going to do it right there and then, but I didn't think I was really tripping and I felt as if I was going to feel like this forever so I started making plans. [This still scares me a lot and I'm going to talk to my psychotherapist about this ASAP]
I was writhing in my bed, walking in circles. I looked at myself in the mirror, never did I think I was this ugly. I truly hated everything I saw, so I threw my mirror to smithereens. Mind you, I didn't think I was tripping so after that I had the idea I was having a psychotic episode. This circle of going bat-shit crazy went on for a while, and when I couldn't take it anymore I went to my mom. There we had a good talk for a looooooong time, which is something we haven't had in years. Again, I didn't think I was tripping so neither did she. During the conversation we made some plans for things to make me feel better and she's willing now to fund either an Iboga session or an Ayahausca session for me if things don't work out this summer.
This trip has been the most worthwhile trip I've ever had. Today I was happy again, I found myself looking for a job, me and my mom are actually writing some letters to send out for a job AND I've asked that girl out for an actual date.
Now what has caused this trip to go as far as it did? The MDMA crash is an obvious reason, plus there's a good chance I overshot my dosage. Those of you that read PD might know about my mishaps with a vial, a magazine and the Newtonian forces so my dosages are pretty much unkown. What can't be stressed out enough though, is that LSD is fucking (excuse moi) powerful. I also think the LSD did something to my receptors as I'm pretty much back to normal now. Normally I'd feel this way for weeks, so I totally get why Shulgin doses some LSD at the tail end of an MDMA experience. It allows you to integrate whatever, work with the issue at hand and gives you a more positive outlook. Not sure what else to say about this but I hope you enjoyed the read :D
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