"A difficult journey into the subconscious turned terrifying. There is no language or experiences in reality to which I can relate this. I feel like I've experienced and aged a millenium"- Me, the next morning when describing what happened to a concerned friend.
For those who just want the trip report without context/set/setting scroll down to {Ingestion}
Background
Finals finalized, I planned on tripping for the first time in a few months. I wanted to celebrate, and wanted to trip strongly, for psychological (spiritual) purposes. I had developed a rough plan throughout the week, and was now putting it together, 12/18/10, one of the craziest days of my life, little did I know.
Back from college at my old place in the woods, I realized there was something wrong with the heater; a bad smell started building up and the CO/smoke alarm beeped. Bummed out, I went to the separate garage which is about 100ft from the house. In here, there is a quad and some junk, but a wood stove. The wireless internet actually reached it ok when I moved the router to a window. I could have gone to a relative's house, but I wanted to trip, and trip alone. I planned on partying later in the week with friends and alcohol; they don't seem up for tripping much anymore, given some bad experiences we've had and two of them claiming PTSD (from 2 separate trips, both reported here at BL).
Preparation
The garage heats up and the sky darkens. I hate winter; dead looking gray skies and darkness so early. I try to keep a positive mindset, realizing how much better summer is appreciated due to winter. I call someone to repair the furnace due to come in two days. I set up my laptop on a table by a window, put up a blacklight, set up sound system, and put some cushions on the cement floor to serve as a place to lie down. I get out my supplies: filled pipe, 5 blotter papers (about a square cm, on the larger side of what I've seen), and a blue xanax (just in case). The blotters I'd received from a distant friend as an early holiday gift. I didn't get to chat with him about their strength despite trying to thank him; all I got was a surprise letter which read "I think this contains some holiday spirit... be wise with these, good sir..." and that was basically all the info I was given besides an indication he had been tripping when writing the letter and sending me the 5 hits.
Set and Setting briefing
At 6pm, after an hour or two preparing and relaxing, trying to get comfortable with an environment I'd never been intoxicated in; and mainly associated with younger days living here with a deceased close relative, I begin to feel comfortable. The thermometer reads about 70F (20C), comfortable enough to take off some layers of clothes I had on. It was 15F (-10C) outside, very cold. The wind makes strange howling noises and at times I feel a draft. I call up a friend and let him know what I'm doing and he assures me I can call if I have a problem, so I'm feeling pretty secure. I decide to bring out one pistol from the house, in case anything crazy were to happen such as a robbery (not unknown in this town, and attempts have been made at this very house, although not for a long time). I insert a key into the gun which disables it, and place the key in my pocket, putting the gun in a place where I'd likely need to hide were something bad to happen. Stupid some may say, I know, I surely don't recommend tripping around weapons.
Ingestion
I put two blotters in my mouth, noticing a familiar slightly bitter taste. 6pm. I throw some more wood on the fire, turn off the large florescent lights and lie down on the couch cushions to enjoy the unique view of all the tools and stuff glowing dimly in blacklight. I put on a soft trance cd after a few minutes of silence. I forget the name of this CD but it is very emotional to me because I tripped with my ex while listening to it and had amazing times, but have tried to think it was just an experience I had, and just because I was with someone I'm not now, doesn't mean I have to throw away that. It starts into the track "One day... one day is all it takes. Choices made, ... life starts and ends. Can you feel it?... Don't leave it up to fate. Can you hear it? You hear it calling you. One day, one day one day!" when I begin to most certainly feel it. It comes on intensely, perhaps only a half hour after ingestion. I realize I'm in for something intense, which is what I wanted, but start to question whether I'm ready.
An hour into "it"
The music touches me in amazing ways; I feel so emotional that I cry. I rarely cry. I then try to figure out what I'm crying about. Is it sadness? I do feel sadness but not hopelessness. Is it happiness? I do feel happiness and hopefulness. I start to really amp up the crying into loud moans and rushing tears. Do I miss my ex? No, I
don't think so, I used to hate her, but lately have tried to just not waste feelings about her. I feel so connected to the earth, the universe, but not people, I feel alone. I start seeing amazing patterns form, very complex moving and 3-D shapes of all sizes and angles. My hands appear as chunks of wiggling neon matter, rippling with visual distortions. I decide against calling my friend in this state, out of embarrassment.
"What am I missing?" I wonder. I feel as if I'm about to reach a revelation about my life, then my thoughts switch off topic in a skipping-cd like way. I stop crying and feel amazing. I feel so happy and feel much hope for my future life, even though my life is not what I'd expected and hoped for it to be at this point. I feel an empty place that is from not having a girlfriend, but try to accept it and realize it will someday be filled. I then realize I haven't met anyone who I'd call the love of my life; that I still have to experience this, hopefully someday. My thinking begins to skip up more though, and it becomes hard to think in language; conceptual thinking begins at about T+70 minutes.
Rising to Peak
I observe my pipe, 3 blotters remaining and xanax. I reach for the pipe and use the lighter, clumsily and smoke a few hits. A strange alteration rushes over me; neutral but intense. The synergy is realized, and then accepted. My visuals intensify and my mind distances further from reality. I hold the hits in my hand. I eat them. "What did... "I?" what really is this "I" observer point (I'm thinking at this point in terms of concepts and translating it into language so its hard to explain). Suddenly "I", the current observing experience, becomes such a fundamental idea, I feel as if consciousness is the only point to the whole universe, and this "I" I feel, is an island universe itself. Keep in mind this is only a translation from memory; it seemed much more intense than what I'm describing. At first you can see, I reacted with surprise over what "I" had done, in eating the 3 more hits, but my thoughts were quickly swept away and redirected into thoughts about the nature of my observing existence.
For those who just want the trip report without context/set/setting scroll down to {Ingestion}
Background
Finals finalized, I planned on tripping for the first time in a few months. I wanted to celebrate, and wanted to trip strongly, for psychological (spiritual) purposes. I had developed a rough plan throughout the week, and was now putting it together, 12/18/10, one of the craziest days of my life, little did I know.
Back from college at my old place in the woods, I realized there was something wrong with the heater; a bad smell started building up and the CO/smoke alarm beeped. Bummed out, I went to the separate garage which is about 100ft from the house. In here, there is a quad and some junk, but a wood stove. The wireless internet actually reached it ok when I moved the router to a window. I could have gone to a relative's house, but I wanted to trip, and trip alone. I planned on partying later in the week with friends and alcohol; they don't seem up for tripping much anymore, given some bad experiences we've had and two of them claiming PTSD (from 2 separate trips, both reported here at BL).
Preparation
The garage heats up and the sky darkens. I hate winter; dead looking gray skies and darkness so early. I try to keep a positive mindset, realizing how much better summer is appreciated due to winter. I call someone to repair the furnace due to come in two days. I set up my laptop on a table by a window, put up a blacklight, set up sound system, and put some cushions on the cement floor to serve as a place to lie down. I get out my supplies: filled pipe, 5 blotter papers (about a square cm, on the larger side of what I've seen), and a blue xanax (just in case). The blotters I'd received from a distant friend as an early holiday gift. I didn't get to chat with him about their strength despite trying to thank him; all I got was a surprise letter which read "I think this contains some holiday spirit... be wise with these, good sir..." and that was basically all the info I was given besides an indication he had been tripping when writing the letter and sending me the 5 hits.
Set and Setting briefing
At 6pm, after an hour or two preparing and relaxing, trying to get comfortable with an environment I'd never been intoxicated in; and mainly associated with younger days living here with a deceased close relative, I begin to feel comfortable. The thermometer reads about 70F (20C), comfortable enough to take off some layers of clothes I had on. It was 15F (-10C) outside, very cold. The wind makes strange howling noises and at times I feel a draft. I call up a friend and let him know what I'm doing and he assures me I can call if I have a problem, so I'm feeling pretty secure. I decide to bring out one pistol from the house, in case anything crazy were to happen such as a robbery (not unknown in this town, and attempts have been made at this very house, although not for a long time). I insert a key into the gun which disables it, and place the key in my pocket, putting the gun in a place where I'd likely need to hide were something bad to happen. Stupid some may say, I know, I surely don't recommend tripping around weapons.
Ingestion
I put two blotters in my mouth, noticing a familiar slightly bitter taste. 6pm. I throw some more wood on the fire, turn off the large florescent lights and lie down on the couch cushions to enjoy the unique view of all the tools and stuff glowing dimly in blacklight. I put on a soft trance cd after a few minutes of silence. I forget the name of this CD but it is very emotional to me because I tripped with my ex while listening to it and had amazing times, but have tried to think it was just an experience I had, and just because I was with someone I'm not now, doesn't mean I have to throw away that. It starts into the track "One day... one day is all it takes. Choices made, ... life starts and ends. Can you feel it?... Don't leave it up to fate. Can you hear it? You hear it calling you. One day, one day one day!" when I begin to most certainly feel it. It comes on intensely, perhaps only a half hour after ingestion. I realize I'm in for something intense, which is what I wanted, but start to question whether I'm ready.
An hour into "it"
The music touches me in amazing ways; I feel so emotional that I cry. I rarely cry. I then try to figure out what I'm crying about. Is it sadness? I do feel sadness but not hopelessness. Is it happiness? I do feel happiness and hopefulness. I start to really amp up the crying into loud moans and rushing tears. Do I miss my ex? No, I
don't think so, I used to hate her, but lately have tried to just not waste feelings about her. I feel so connected to the earth, the universe, but not people, I feel alone. I start seeing amazing patterns form, very complex moving and 3-D shapes of all sizes and angles. My hands appear as chunks of wiggling neon matter, rippling with visual distortions. I decide against calling my friend in this state, out of embarrassment.
"What am I missing?" I wonder. I feel as if I'm about to reach a revelation about my life, then my thoughts switch off topic in a skipping-cd like way. I stop crying and feel amazing. I feel so happy and feel much hope for my future life, even though my life is not what I'd expected and hoped for it to be at this point. I feel an empty place that is from not having a girlfriend, but try to accept it and realize it will someday be filled. I then realize I haven't met anyone who I'd call the love of my life; that I still have to experience this, hopefully someday. My thinking begins to skip up more though, and it becomes hard to think in language; conceptual thinking begins at about T+70 minutes.
Rising to Peak
I observe my pipe, 3 blotters remaining and xanax. I reach for the pipe and use the lighter, clumsily and smoke a few hits. A strange alteration rushes over me; neutral but intense. The synergy is realized, and then accepted. My visuals intensify and my mind distances further from reality. I hold the hits in my hand. I eat them. "What did... "I?" what really is this "I" observer point (I'm thinking at this point in terms of concepts and translating it into language so its hard to explain). Suddenly "I", the current observing experience, becomes such a fundamental idea, I feel as if consciousness is the only point to the whole universe, and this "I" I feel, is an island universe itself. Keep in mind this is only a translation from memory; it seemed much more intense than what I'm describing. At first you can see, I reacted with surprise over what "I" had done, in eating the 3 more hits, but my thoughts were quickly swept away and redirected into thoughts about the nature of my observing existence.
