Loving A {Dead} Girl

[yakksoho]

My head spins round and round
Like circling birds
Round a carcass and a clam
And if you cracked me open
I would drown you with the tears
Unused for many years to come
A sea inside my head
So crack me down the middle
Open me up wide
You'll find no blood or memories
Just an hollow
Emptiness inside

"Don't let me walk you home or kiss you goodnite" she said
"The sea has done come in my ears
And filled up my head
When you make me happy
A tear comes out my eye
And if you cover me with kisses
I might die"

But I love you even more
When you are so far away from me
You don't understand why I cry everyday
It's because I have lost
The only love I ever had
Oh lonely reciprocator
Tired requiting child
Why did you walk away
After you ahd changed me
Into a fool?
A fool who loves you madly
And never will let go

Tonight I bleed an end
But its only in my dreams
I'll bleed through my pen for hours
I'll write a thousand sestinas
I'll love you forever but I know
You let me go
But what else can I do?
I've nowhere else to go

I'll stay up late everynight
Writing empty love songs in my head
About the girl I nmiss
Because I know that we're both dead
I don't want the world around me
I want to give everything back
And take one last thing from the night
And cut my heart out
Cry for ever
In a fourth dimensional hell
Without you

All I want is suicide
The courage and the despair
The hope and love I've left to vanish
End the pain and
Stop the tears
My blood and tears are all the same
They burn my face as I cry
And darling do you know?
If you don't cover me with kisses
I know that I will die


Please help me out with this poem. Some parts of it are weak but I am not sure what to do. Also the title, should it have "dead" in it? Her and I being "dead" is symbolic to how we don't see or speak to each other any more. I dunno, please offer your thoughts.

 

[plazma]

Well, I'd rate this as having a fair bit of potential. There's some grammatical errors and some minor shit like that. Perhaps you could polish up some other things like the timing and structure of it, but that would be mainly small stuff. The guts of the poem is certainly good & I enjoyed reading it.

Cheers!

-plaz out-

 

[yakksoho]

The grammatical errors are intentional.

 

[Cosmic Mist]

I think that this piece is quite good - the sentiments and emotions of a good piece are there, and that's the hardest part to re-create.
I think you should leave "dead" in the title - it's more intriguing that way.
If it were my piece, i would change very little... keep working on it until you feel it is finished - poems are entities living within themselves.