Almost 5 years in the long term relationship...
I still remember the beginnings and excitement of the process of hooking up with my gf. Because for me, it was actually a process. Done on purpose, after careful planning, building up an appropriate image after what can be considered more or less particular childhood, for the sake
of having a girlfriend finally, because my best college mate has one, and my cousin told me to get one and my grandma' also asked me when I plan to get one. Not that I didn't want it, on the contrary I wanted it so much, so I can show her off and indulge in one completely new world of exploration, physical and mental, get to know about all those things the relationships teaches you, about people, desires, problems, get to know also that other side my mates already 'tasted' being in relationships since the high-school days.
The girl was incredible, we met in a bar, with an international career ahead of her and parents who earn much more than local average. Everyone was envying me and at least for a moment, my desires seemed to be fulfilled.
But as the time went on, I got to know more about her, met her parents...the story started to sound less and less ideal. Somehow I've lost respect for them all, just based on stories and observations in addition to apparent (lack of) logic in their various actions, the money was not that great either, just spending with zero capital, inability to be self-sufficient even in simplest everyday tasks, her like "I forgot my towel, please bring it to me, take care you", day after day.
I also wanted someone to push me further and share my Darwinistic and pro-competitive views on the world, but she is all about just cuddling and spending time quietly and slowly...And the fast-paced, competitive world, does not tolerate that. How we are to prosper and develop ourselves if we spend 6 hours cuddling after sex?? Gym, study, jobs, trainings, personal intrests, news briefings, errands...time for all that?
But the thing that hurts me the most day after day for the last few years is her left shoulder...it's a little bit lowered compared to other, due to a small spinal deformation. Nothing too serious, but still visible. I don't exactly know when did I notice that, might be that I even never noticed during the first month(s) or so and actually she pointed out it to me. But ever since, I am looking at that "flaw" and eating myself in grief why I need to have a "defective" (in a lack of better word) girlfriend. I mean, when I look on the street some cute girls, walking with wide even shoulders, or on the TV shows...not all of them are cute, but those who are and also do not have this particular defect, I find very attractive and I spend hours in grief just silently looking at my gf while she is cleaning around the kitchen...Observing that particular flaw of her and not even listening to what she is saying, I just tell her to straighten the shoulders. She does it temporary, but after a minute or so again reverts to the same, flawed image which sends shrivels up my spine.
Somehow, in bed, everything seems perfect. Just like in the magazines, smooth skin with some imperfections she promised to solve with a doc's visit, but otherwise the strange "deformity" (asymmetry) I was mentioning is not visible. Thus the sex is great always, and I almost forget about the whole thing...And then here it is again...she gets out of bed to fetch something and yes, it's clearly visible, the shoulders are slightly asymmetric. And the problem is that the freaking thing is not easy, if possible at all, to fix even with surgery.
And then I turn on the TV or go out and see other couples and guys with more attractive girlfriends and all I can feel is only grief and the feeling that I am just a mediocre, stupid and insignificant guy with a 'flawed' (i.e. also mediocre) girlfriend, I feel just like shit going out.
I cannot draw any value or any significant social proof from her also due to her behavior, she is simply not that type of alfa-female.
Or maybe it's just my subjective feeling and pursuit for physical perfection, maybe other guys find her very attractive indeed, maybe she has overall the very best collection of qualities one can find? But how to be sure about that? How to make sure that she is really a valuable object of desire of others, that she is worth keeping compared to getting some other girl?
She at least tells me that she loves me, how do you value that? Overall, what is the formula according which one can value a girlfriend, give it a specific measure, rank and number behind?
I am in love with quality and excellence, with the best of the best...pretty much like the desires of other guys, everyone wants the best (also the best looking) girlfriend in the world.
If I pursue other options, I might lose this one and end up worse off, or I might very well be better off after eventually finding a more suitable one. Tough choice, no? My logic is that a man never ditched an average Chrysler and decided to go by foot instead until he can buy (have) the most luxurious Mercedes. So I believe that ditching a gf just because of a few flaws would be imprudent at least, given the lack of better opportunities and given the effort needed to find a better one. Opinions?
I still remember the beginnings and excitement of the process of hooking up with my gf. Because for me, it was actually a process. Done on purpose, after careful planning, building up an appropriate image after what can be considered more or less particular childhood, for the sake
of having a girlfriend finally, because my best college mate has one, and my cousin told me to get one and my grandma' also asked me when I plan to get one. Not that I didn't want it, on the contrary I wanted it so much, so I can show her off and indulge in one completely new world of exploration, physical and mental, get to know about all those things the relationships teaches you, about people, desires, problems, get to know also that other side my mates already 'tasted' being in relationships since the high-school days.
The girl was incredible, we met in a bar, with an international career ahead of her and parents who earn much more than local average. Everyone was envying me and at least for a moment, my desires seemed to be fulfilled.
But as the time went on, I got to know more about her, met her parents...the story started to sound less and less ideal. Somehow I've lost respect for them all, just based on stories and observations in addition to apparent (lack of) logic in their various actions, the money was not that great either, just spending with zero capital, inability to be self-sufficient even in simplest everyday tasks, her like "I forgot my towel, please bring it to me, take care you", day after day.
I also wanted someone to push me further and share my Darwinistic and pro-competitive views on the world, but she is all about just cuddling and spending time quietly and slowly...And the fast-paced, competitive world, does not tolerate that. How we are to prosper and develop ourselves if we spend 6 hours cuddling after sex?? Gym, study, jobs, trainings, personal intrests, news briefings, errands...time for all that?
But the thing that hurts me the most day after day for the last few years is her left shoulder...it's a little bit lowered compared to other, due to a small spinal deformation. Nothing too serious, but still visible. I don't exactly know when did I notice that, might be that I even never noticed during the first month(s) or so and actually she pointed out it to me. But ever since, I am looking at that "flaw" and eating myself in grief why I need to have a "defective" (in a lack of better word) girlfriend. I mean, when I look on the street some cute girls, walking with wide even shoulders, or on the TV shows...not all of them are cute, but those who are and also do not have this particular defect, I find very attractive and I spend hours in grief just silently looking at my gf while she is cleaning around the kitchen...Observing that particular flaw of her and not even listening to what she is saying, I just tell her to straighten the shoulders. She does it temporary, but after a minute or so again reverts to the same, flawed image which sends shrivels up my spine.
Somehow, in bed, everything seems perfect. Just like in the magazines, smooth skin with some imperfections she promised to solve with a doc's visit, but otherwise the strange "deformity" (asymmetry) I was mentioning is not visible. Thus the sex is great always, and I almost forget about the whole thing...And then here it is again...she gets out of bed to fetch something and yes, it's clearly visible, the shoulders are slightly asymmetric. And the problem is that the freaking thing is not easy, if possible at all, to fix even with surgery.
And then I turn on the TV or go out and see other couples and guys with more attractive girlfriends and all I can feel is only grief and the feeling that I am just a mediocre, stupid and insignificant guy with a 'flawed' (i.e. also mediocre) girlfriend, I feel just like shit going out.
I cannot draw any value or any significant social proof from her also due to her behavior, she is simply not that type of alfa-female.
Or maybe it's just my subjective feeling and pursuit for physical perfection, maybe other guys find her very attractive indeed, maybe she has overall the very best collection of qualities one can find? But how to be sure about that? How to make sure that she is really a valuable object of desire of others, that she is worth keeping compared to getting some other girl?
She at least tells me that she loves me, how do you value that? Overall, what is the formula according which one can value a girlfriend, give it a specific measure, rank and number behind?
I am in love with quality and excellence, with the best of the best...pretty much like the desires of other guys, everyone wants the best (also the best looking) girlfriend in the world.
If I pursue other options, I might lose this one and end up worse off, or I might very well be better off after eventually finding a more suitable one. Tough choice, no? My logic is that a man never ditched an average Chrysler and decided to go by foot instead until he can buy (have) the most luxurious Mercedes. So I believe that ditching a gf just because of a few flaws would be imprudent at least, given the lack of better opportunities and given the effort needed to find a better one. Opinions?
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