TDS Lost my girl, on road to destruction

[liketogouch]

Hello,

ok so where to start, i've been a heroin addict since i was 18 and im 23 now and when i got with my ex i kicked the habbit and got on subutex which i have been taking for nearly 2 years now, but at the beginning i was still using heroin and for nearly a year i was on a weekly pickup of subutex so i would be using at the time also and saving my tablets for the future, so here is the main thing i relapsed around 2 months ago when i split up with my ex (the only girl i properly loved was with her 2 and half years, we was gonna have a family, kids, etc ,) but now i have been using heroin daily ever since just to get rid of the pain but its destroying my life, im tired of this life! i go out grafting for money every single day and its taking its toll, the other day i seen my ex with her new boyfriend which actually destroyed me that day i ended up going to score a bag of heroin pretty much straight away when i blagged myself a tenner from a family friend, i have pawned just about everything i own apart from my pc... i have nothing, my mum doesn't know i've been using again, she knows i also smoke weed on daily basis and the money she helps me with, weed, rent, food, all goes on heroin it would kill her if she found out... but i just cant see myself stopping, all my old friends don't talk to me anymore i have nobody in my life put Mrs heroin, im extremely depressed and lonely...

i just don't know where to turn now, ive really had enough of this life... im getting to the point where im deciding if its worth it anymore.

 

[Pagey]

liketogouch - as amazing as she might have been, your ex is not worth your life and your happiness.

I think the hardest thing about quitting heroin - or any drug you use as a way to numb emotions, really - is re-learning to deal with these kinds of situations sober. It's incredibly hard, in fact, but not impossible. Try to remember how you felt when you were on subs - I bet you must have felt so proud of yourself for finally getting off gear? Things must have started improving, no? As I'm sure you know, heroin isn't actually going to fix your heart, it's just going to postpone your dealing with the feelings and, once something happens and you finally do have to deal with these feelings (because you WILL have to eventually), you'll just have a billion other problems on top of it.

I think if I were in your situation something that might help me would be to tell myself that my ex would miss me more if I got clean. Imagine if you run into her in 6 months, start chatting and you're able to say you're sober? You'd feel much better, no?

I know it doesn't mean much but there will be other women. I got out of a relationship about a year ago that had lasted just a little longer than yours and I do remember the feeling, but now I'm able to look back without any regret at all. It's tough and it takes a while, but it's so worth sticking with in the long run. Don't hurt yourself in the meantime. You've gotten on subs before, you can do it again. Good luck

 

[liketogouch]

thank you for you're reply Pagey that means a lot, the problem is i can't get through the day sober even with weed i have been smoking every day for the past 10 years since i smoke weed (i'm lucky i have a friend who grows so i don't bother with small amounts) but then it comes to heroin, the cravings are so much as i just want to get out of reality as my life seriously sucks right now, i can't stop thinking about my ex then i'm worrying about affording to keep a roof over my head, as im shit loads of debt and i have no job I've been trying to find a job for the past year but absolutely nothing, don't know if its because of my criminal record (mainly drug charges, some older shoplifting arrests when i was young) or that i have no qualifications to my name, so anyway just everything is building up right now and i can bearly cope with life, like i mentioned in my first post i have no friends anymore, and the only person who has helped me is my mum and grandma without them ill be in the gutter, in prison or dead. and they are worrying about me, specially my mum i'm really hurting her atm all she does is worry about me, and shes also having money troubles as she keeps bailing me out, and i hate to see it.

right now i can barely sleep even when i smoke loads of weed i just can't seem to turn off, my mind is always over thinking things specially when i'm trying to sleep i just think about my ex and my shitty life, so I've had 1 hour sleep all last night so this morning i was really rattling, a friend of mine was suppose to sort me a nice dig out as i sorted him out other day when i shared half a teeth with him, but the fucker never answered at 8:30am when he was suppose to be in so was banging on the door, no reply. and by this time i have no money and i'm just getting worst and worst feeling ABSOLUTELY shit, so i decided to walk the 2 miles to my mums house to try get money for a bag, but when i got there we ended up arguing as she cant keep affording to bail me out as she does this a hell of lot if i'm not grafting for money, so anyway she was really upset and she could see i was really ill she kept saying go look in the mirror and yourself you look like a walking zombie, but i couldn't, so she was crying about things since i really don't want to admit to my mum i'm back on heroin, even though she probably knows i still couldn't say it to her first, so i tried to get £5, wish she wasn't going to sort out first, but we ended up arguing about things, wanting to see if my nan could borrow me another £5 so i could buy a £10 bag, but this din't go down well and made things totally worst, at the end she ended up throwing a £10 note at me when she was crying her eyes out, it was destroying me inside i was hurting her, but other hand all i wanted to do is get the money and get the fuck out of that house , so i did. and ended up scoring a £10 bag, had that dig then i ended up going out grafting for another £20 which i made from shoplifting, so bought a 0.4 for £15 and ended up giving my mum the other fiver back, she did appreciate that after everything so did put a smile on my face.

anyway, so i keep hurting myself, my family... everything, but still i can't stop thinking about heroin and my ex, even when on subutex all i still wanted to do is have a foil or a dig just to get me through the day, since time fly's for me when i'm on heroin, but i just cant keeping doing what i'm doing for it, i'm going to end up jail.

all i want is a family of my own, a nice long term girlfriend who some day to marry and have kids, but i just cant seem to get out of my way of life atm, i just need to find someone else, i'm really lonely and i think a new girl would help me get my life straight away, because atm i live on my own and really to be honest no good reason to stop, if i had a choice of starting again with a new girl i would jump at the chance, on the other hand i still in some ways still love my ex, even though she was a spiteful bitch the other day with her new boyfriend, just little things like that really hurt me, i dunno... i really don't no what to do or where to turn right, any more advice? appreciate it!

maybe move this thread to Sex, Love and Relationships? since i'm looking for both advice on a new relationship, or finding new people and also help to stop the heroin cravings, since i still think about it all the time, i dream about it when i don't use, i just can't stop, and need help, thanks

 

[herbavore]

all i want is a family of my own, a nice long term girlfriend who some day to marry and have kids, but i just cant seem to get out of my way of life atm, i just need to find someone else, i'm really lonely and i think a new girl would help me get my life straight away, because atm i live on my own and really to be honest no good reason to stop, if i had a choice of starting again with a new girl i would jump at the chance, on the other hand i still in some ways still love my ex, even though she was a spiteful bitch the other day with her new boyfriend, just little things like that really hurt me, i dunno... i really don't no what to do or where to turn right, any more advice? appreciate it!

Even though it may seem like having a new girlfriend or reuniting with your old girlfriend might help you to overcome your addiction, that is faulty thinking. You have to find the motivation in yourself for yourself to get healthy. No person on the outside can effect that change for you. If you look at the fact that both your mother and your grandmother love you very much and are trying to support you and yet you find yourself using them (and then feeling horrible about it). This can serve to show you that when you are not healthy you cannot have a healthy relationship. It is always tempting to see loneliness as the problem and we think, "Oh, if only I weren't so lonely I would be able to find the strength to fight this." But in reality you are lonely for yourself; you are divided from yourself and no external force can change that. Wanting to get married and have a family sounds important to you. If that is really the case, you need to concentrate on yourself right now. You need support to get off heroin and stay off.

I don't think that this thread would work in SLR because it is not really about relationships, it is about heroin addiction and the devastation it is causing in your life (and your family's life as well). You could start one there about relationships but you will be leaving out a key piece which is the way addiction is destroying your capability for relationships. It is heartbreaking to read your story. My heart breaks for you , your mother and your grandmother. You can change this story. People do it every day but they do not do it alone. It is the paradox of recovery that you have to do the internal work alone--no one can do that for you--but you have to have external support. By this, I do not mean girlfriends or mothers. You need to find others that have been where you are and have developed strategies for setting themselves free.

I am talking to you as honestly as I can and I know that this is scary. It should be. You are faced with fighting for your integrity and your life. It will take courage and work but the reward is enormous. Check out the Sober Living forum. Ask people what they have done and how they stick to it when the cravings are so bad. I hope that you can find clarity and resolve and ultimately peace with yourself.

 

[Pagey]

thank you for you're reply Pagey that means a lot, the problem is i can't get through the day sober even with weed i have been smoking every day for the past 10 years since i smoke weed (i'm lucky i have a friend who grows so i don't bother with small amounts) but then it comes to heroin, the cravings are so much as i just want to get out of reality as my life seriously sucks right now, i can't stop thinking about my ex then i'm worrying about affording to keep a roof over my head, as im shit loads of debt and i have no job I've been trying to find a job for the past year but absolutely nothing, don't know if its because of my criminal record (mainly drug charges, some older shoplifting arrests when i was young) or that i have no qualifications to my name, so anyway just everything is building up right now and i can bearly cope with life, like i mentioned in my first post i have no friends anymore, and the only person who has helped me is my mum and grandma without them ill be in the gutter, in prison or dead. and they are worrying about me, specially my mum i'm really hurting her atm all she does is worry about me, and shes also having money troubles as she keeps bailing me out, and i hate to see it.

I know what it's like to feel like absolutely everything is going wrong at once and thinking about quitting heroin on top of it is just too much to handle...trust me, I do, I'm going through the same thing right now. I haven't had a habit for as long as you but I'm going through a lot of shit unrelated to my use and trying to quit as well is almost laughable. But you really have to just keep telling yourself that the heroin isn't going to fix anything. It's going to make everything worse in the long-run...And not even in the long-run, very quickly actually. The heroin is lying to you and telling you it's an escape but you just have to make that tiny little voice in your head just SCREAM that it won't help. You've mentioned yourself all the problems you now have that are just a result of your use. They'll only get worse if you continue. I know it seems impossible and like you're not strong enough to cope. I really do. But you are. Everyone, including yourself, will be SO proud of you if you break your habit again. Including yourself.
It's normal that you still had cravings the last time you did it. And you will again when you quit this time. You'll have them for a while, and they'll be awful to deal with. But they do stop, and things do get better once the spell is broken and you see beyond the wall heroin has built between you and the world. Stay strong. No matter what your brain, what every single little particle of your body is telling you, you DO have it in you to do this.

As I mentioned in the PM I sent you, you're quite welcome to start a similar thread in SLR. This one is more TDS material but if you're looking for advice on relationships/your break-up specifically, and less on your drug use, SLR would be the right place to go

 

[some dude]

Don't discount methadone clinic. I'm in a pretty good one and it HAS to be cheaper than the heroin habit. You can save money and feel better about yourself? You are in a very scared place and I feel for you. There is always light. Just because all you see is darkness does not mean you can't feel happier on the future. How are things going today? I really think you should give a rehab clinic a try again before giving up on your life.

 

[LucidShroomDmtier]

the solution is hard my friend .. You must to cut it the dry cold turkey way its gonna be hell but its gnna be aturn for the better after find a job friends will ocur naturally (not users friends) make straight for you what you want from this life .. i see it cant be heroin for you cause heroin made you the misarable person you are now . You can do this mate i did and now am happier dont put another drug in your system ever

 

[some dude]

And, if you are on Subs and still craving heroin then I would say you are on too small a dose. If you take enough of methadone (which is what I have experience with) you don't crave the H much at all.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

dude you are only 23.....there is so much more to life than you know so far. I was addicted to opiates for 3 years straight. always chasing the nod. I take 1mg of buprenorphine now per day and dont feel it. But when i stopped using opiates i replaced it with other drugs. I started tripping a lot. but not ALL day every day like it is when you use opiates. Honestly now the opiate high seems like shit to me. It doesn't seem that great and I don't have the urge to do it anymore. I used to think the rush was the greatest thing ever and was so depressed and would use the opiates to numb the pain away, but now I'm not depressed anymore since ive been tripping a lot, and my life is still really fucked up, probably worse and I still have all the old problems I used to have when I was an opiate addict but I just am not so depresssed and angry about these problems anymore....Ive just accepted that I can't do anything about it and I'm trying to be positive as best i can, and I am in a much better place than I was when I was shooting opiates everyday to kill the depression.

The problem is the opiates, its seems like the solution is to do more opiates to numb the pain...but i'm telling you if you stop doing it and be sober or replace it with another drug it might help.

 

[Khadijah]

I clicked on here thinking your girl died and was interested to see what it said since i figured "somebody else who may be going thru a similar thing as me." but then found you just meant she broke up with you. thought you meant Lost as in FOREVER...6 feet in the ground forever. Shit, count your blessings at least shes still fucking breathing and you didnt wake up next to her dead body in bed next to you.

I really aint got much advice for you,sorry. For me the only thing that makes me feel alive is feeling like Im about to die, so good luck with that.

In my experience when you feel like this nothign that anybody says is gonna help you anyways. You either keep feeling that way and go on til you kill yourself or something happens at some point that breaks you out of it. Youre kind of on your own here. i dont know that any advice anyone gives you will really do shit, unfortunatley.