Lost In Time

[realm]

rolled in a deuce ace in true space walkin with two mates
they got spades at stake rolled for a full rake
2 less tools in the shed off we go to tie some ends
id like some rent on time if its possible maybe probable?
im stocked full of wisdom and hate nourished by fate
im not a tourist by take or by race im in my place
ill never fall victim to men apprenhed by legions of demons
always schemin on the scene and ridin clean right up the stream
you know they always get caught-cradles always rock
you're stable til a shock-systems down in the dusk
backup up crew without a fuss-
divin in ducts old city tombs have run a muck
its up to us to save the sand of a planet actin rampant
no chances we booked the route leadin to hells door
fell on the door with 2 of all kind jews to poor
even lucid whores actin abused loose and chewed
stay tuned for further reports


im the type of man to ignore the finer things in life
diseased by greed making me do evil things it seems
life on the stream is hard-thats why we always play it smart
its like a dart in the dark-starvin the mobb in a fesuaud
the cause was lost in a never ending departure on purpose
starting towards the surface of the surplus it nourished us
deterred us in the good and bad-watched as we stood back
landed in a trap-off the map-tunnels and a posison strap
hoist the lines on the ground were safe and sound
until we hear another round-the territory was distant
the story changes in an instant-we bout to bust a mission
ill never stay in prison locked in a cell in hell
traggic rabbits in the forrest of horror subordinated
with no order-no record of date and time-lets take a ride
keep em eye to eye until we ride or die



take a quick lesson at the tragedy-dastardly deeds
still after the greed-now im trapped in a seed
i need to feed off the heathens of the season
i need a reason to stop his breathin--appeased
ease the assasin 3 masked men-huntin stance equipped
i drove past the cliffs try not to drift-they might glimpse
callin the crew-were off the charts-on my mark
are we ready to depart-embarked on the prowl this shit is fowl
fair chances i have when i laughed back at all the rats
im packin a mack-from the streets im stayin strapped
we rolled a sack and headed in the wildnerness
im still in the pits of hell-you tripped and fell
thats why you hearin' this you feel me yet?
and its still regret trapped in a tape deck

 

[realm]

Bump bump...any feedback givers? I loooove me some feedback

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

I think this is pretty awesome, I like the way the imagery zig-zags in and out of each other, as if the words are running through the readers head.

The one critique I have is that the rhyme and structure threw me a bit, the way its layed out has my brain expecting rhyme in places where there isnt ryhme, and where it does rhyme is sort of in the middle of the sentance, once I re-read it, it all worked. May I suggest something like this (and this is only my opinion for the sake of readability)

still after the greed
now im trapped
in a seed
i need to feed
off the heathens of the season
i need a reason to stop his breathin
appeased

Thumbs up, I'd love to hear it spoken!

 

[cherub]

this kept my attention,, great piece there.

 

[realm]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

And as for your suggestion Dastrix, I don't really write it for readability. All this stuff i write eventually is recorded so it doesn't matter much who can read it and who can't. I just post it here for feedback on the lyrics and such, but I totally understand what you're saying as far as making it more easily read. Check out some of my other threads, if you liked what you read here. And once again thanks for the feedback.