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Loss of a child

L

LilikoiMoon

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
557
Location
Undercity, USA
My 3 year old son was murdered in Jan. Of 2001. After his death and a lengthy court trial, my life completely changed, and at times I really wanted to end it. If it wasn't for my other two children, I probably would have.

Even after all these years, I feel like part of me is still dead inside. My baby died a horrific death at the hands of someone who got a life sentence without parole, only to get their sentence reduced to 20 years because of a technical flaw with the courts. The judicial system is so flawed. His death made grown men and women in law enforcement and medical field cry, that's how bad it was.

I'm sharing my story to encourage others that feel like they are in a dark place that if I can survive such a heart wrenching ordeal in life, and keep going, there is hope for you too.

I've used drugs to cope at times. There are days when I still scream to the top of my lungs, cry myself to sleep, etc. Nothing will ever bring my precious son back, but somehow I have to keep pushing on.

I'm sharing this story in hopes to make you understand me better and to encourage those who are in a dark place.

Lilakoi
 
Im sorry for your loss, I do not have children, but I did have an ex girlfriend who had a 2 yr old little girl, I dated her for about 3 yrs, and got to love her child, I really had not been around kids that often prior to this relationship, and I can tell you, even though the girl was not biologically my kid, I grew to the point pretty quick to care and love her like she was mine, I cannot imagine the hell parents go thru when they loose a child, especially in the manner you lost yours. For the life of me, I cannot understand why ANYONE would desire to harm or kill a child, they are nothing but loving and trusting, I mean, how in hell does an adult get into the frame of mind where they wish to harm or kill a child...I just cannot grasp that!! a person who takes advantage of a kid deserves some VERY bad punishment IMO, prison is way too easy for them!

I think we need to come up with some new forms of punishment for these kinds of crimes, against young children, (sexual crimes especially), Like I said above, prison, even if its life, is not harsh enough, we need to send the message to the public that if ANYONE harms or kills a child, they will be treated SOOO bad, they will wish for the death penalty, but it will never be granted, keep them at the point of wishing for death...for the rest of their lives, every single day!

Id say, in your case, drug use (if kept under control) MAY be acceptable, just to try and escape what you live with from time to time, I dont blame you one bit...Just dont let it take control of your life and effect your relationship with the other kids you have.

I have let heroin take control of my life and every day my life is wake up, try to come up with money to buy more, when Im out and cant get any money, I can barely function, or even get of bed, I envy those who can keep their use under control.

Good luck and I hope things get easier for you as time goes on, just know your child is in a much better place now and will NEVER suffer again, and you will be with them eventually. Thinking of this helped me alot when I lost a friend few years ago.
 
All the love I can possibly send.:>

Forgiveness is done for US. Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It does not quiet thier maelstrom nor cool the living hell they trapped themsefs in by even one degree. It begins to extinguish and cool the one they set a blaze around us.

If we can't forgive them, then we remain trapped in the flames with them. Chained together In the torturous missory they have shackled us to. We remain devastated, destroyed; Imprisoned eternally and still under their control.:>

Please forgive it, move away as far as you can possibly manage, and let it baste in its oven utterly alone.

I hope you find as much peace as is posible to find:>
 
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Thank you for sharing. I can relate to addiction, as I have struggled with addiction for most of my life. Thing is, my babies kept me sane, they are the reason why when I became an adult, I did nothing more than pills. After my son's death, I went clean for a while but during the trial..after they showed his photos, I relapsed in the parking lot. It was too much to cope with.


My son's murderer was a thief in the night, seriously. The kid's sitter was amazing, and I trusted her so. For years while I worked, I never had to worry, she cared greatly for them.

However, a few months before my son's death, she began seeing a guy, and hid it well. He was a ghost to us. I had a rule while they were in her care and that was NOONE was allowed around my babies, and she honored that.

The day/night my son died, I had to go work a 12 hour hospital shift..little did I know my son would be DOA a few hours into my shift.

Her bf beat/strangled my 3 yr old son to death. The 911 call was made that he had drowned in the bathtub..found him face down. When he arrived a few hours into my shift, one look at him, we knew he didn't drown.

He had a 6 inch skull fracture, his lip had severe trauma from his teeth, his tongue bitten in half from the hits to him...he had over 50 fist bruises and a ligature mark on his neck. The xray showed zero water in his lungs. Once arrest were made, his little body was sent off to crime lab for autopsy, and I can't even speak about the much worse details.

Later, I found out this guy was out on parole after kidnapping his ex gf..beating her and leaving her for dead.
He came to our state and hooked up with my sitter. Even she didn't know, as he hid his past well. I guess with her being a big girl, she needed love. She violated my trust and the kid's.

She received a 32 year prison sentence abd he got a reduction from life w/o parole to 20 years because of an error.
Twenty years is nothing..especially not after this.
 
^^^Reading that really makes me steaming mad...Id like a few hours alone with that guy in a window-less room, give him a taste of what he likes to dish out...but you can take some comfort in knowing guys in prison for molesting or killing a young child are DESPISED, they are the lowest of the low, NO ONE likes them, and Id imagine they dont have an easy life in prison, I hope this guy has to sleep with one eye open every night!

I can somewhat understand an adult getting into a fight with another adult and one of them dies as a result of the fight, and/or one of them gets too violent, or is prone to violence to begin with, and when aggravated, they loose control and end up killing someone in a normal fist fight..BUT when a full grown fucking adult picks on, beats, molests, kills, etc., a 3 yr old kid..MY GOD...what the fuck is wrong with them? Im sorry, I just cannot understand how an adult can be in that frame of mind, what could a 3 yr old do to piss off an adult to the point of the adult wanting to hurt or kill them..?? This makes me SOOO fucking mad, I can barely see straight.

If there is anything I can do for you, PM me.
 
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I am so sorry. To have those images in your head....I cannot even imagine. Really there are just no words for such horror. Much love to you and to your two other children who must also have been severely traumatized.<3
 
Sorry for the loss of your child OP. You have our full support here sending all the love and comfort your way.
 
Thank you all so much.

Herbavore, my other two children have had extensive therapy, as they both witnessed what happened to my son. Also, two other children did too.

I have good days and bad days, but I'll survive. Time eases it all a little, you never stop thinking about your child.
 
LilikoiMoon said:
Thank you all so much.

Herbavore, my other two children have had extensive therapy, as they both witnessed what happened to my son. Also, two other children did too.

I have good days and bad days, but I'll survive. Time eases it all a little, you never stop thinking about your child.
Click to expand...

I can relate to having good/bad days, and I am hoping today is one of the good ones <3
 
You're so strong for still being here. You're much stronger than me, by a million.
You're a survivor lili. You've survived and are surviving through something that would have killed me, and probably a million men just like me. You're beautiful for just carrying on, I can't even begin to comprehend how difficult it has been for you. I am so sorry for your loss, this is something that you never deserved or anticipated. You've been fighting this for so long and you're still winning.
Never give up lili. I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you for just being here. You're an amazing person and you give me hope for my life and the future. Thank you.
I hope you find peace one day.
 
Forest Ninja said:
You're so strong for still being here. You're much stronger than me, by a million.
You're a survivor lili. You've survived and are surviving through something that would have killed me, and probably a million men just like me. You're beautiful for just carrying on, I can't even begin to comprehend how difficult it has been for you. I am so sorry for your loss, this is something that you never deserved or anticipated. You've been fighting this for so long and you're still winning.
Never give up lili. I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you for just being here. You're an amazing person and you give me hope for my life and the future. Thank you.
I hope you find peace one day.
Click to expand...

Thanks honey. I may joke around and post here but there's a huge hole in my heart forever. Xox Hugs you
 
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