This dance with active addiction continued on and off until Dec 21, 2006. I told Dave in so many words, how the fuck can he be so unhappy when he's had everything handed to him on a silver platter? He doesn't have to work, he wanted a family, he got one. I suspect however, that his state of mind was exactly the way mine was back in 93-95. I remember seeing a children's movie on Nick at Night where this cartoon animal was afraid to venture outside his protective cocoon. " Don't you want to grow up and see and do things? "
someone asked the animal. I came up with my own answer, "NO! Leave me alone. The outside world sucks, it's dangerous, just leave me to die!" I seriously considered suicide, but my belief at that time was that while we are not punished for our sins, but by them. I couldn't bear the thought of remaining alive spiritually in some God forsaken realm, being forced to live out what my natual life would have been on earth.
Therefore, my goal was to take as many pills and sleep as much as possible. It saddens me recalling that horrific depressive state. The last 2 years haven't been easy, and while I honestly miss the rush of shooting crystal meth and the warm embrace of the painkillers, I certainly don't miss the eternal despair. Now for the most part I have way more peace of mind than I ever did even before I started using as well as during. NA
has a saying, "One is too many and a thousand never enough." How true that statement is. So I look at Dave and think perhaps I am lucky I didn't have everything handed to me on a silver platter. He told me he's not eating bad foods, but he obviously is or he wouldn't remain 380 lbs. He is crippled by his own fear, which causes depression, and his depression leads him to do nothing about his diabetes, and I believe he is dying.
I lost count how many times either he or his doc called off his quadruple bypass surgery. He's told me of his horrific fear of never waking up so is it he or the docs that are calling it off, or maybe both? I've given him the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous. He remains drug free like me the last 2 years, yet he is slowly dying. I know that feeling. The NA meetings are 2 house from where he lives, but he still refuses to go. I've tried
talking him into Overeaters Anonymous, but he won't go. I've talked to him about starting a daily relationship with God, but the only time he did anything to do with God was the time he was scared and I told him to give me his hands in prayer and I prayed out loud for him. When you're not open to the possibility for God's help, negation I believe brings a slow death. I lived a slow death for 42 years, and while I certainly don't deny the hellacious pleasure of shooting crystal meth as well as the sensual pleasures of other drugs, sooner or later the party is over.
Most of my life felt like a fucking endurance contest, and while the last 2 years haven't been all strawberries and orgasms, I have gained a new appreciation for life, my family, the things I do have, even work, and especially God because He somehow gives me the strength to do whatever it is I have to do and the things I fear the most.
someone asked the animal. I came up with my own answer, "NO! Leave me alone. The outside world sucks, it's dangerous, just leave me to die!" I seriously considered suicide, but my belief at that time was that while we are not punished for our sins, but by them. I couldn't bear the thought of remaining alive spiritually in some God forsaken realm, being forced to live out what my natual life would have been on earth.
Therefore, my goal was to take as many pills and sleep as much as possible. It saddens me recalling that horrific depressive state. The last 2 years haven't been easy, and while I honestly miss the rush of shooting crystal meth and the warm embrace of the painkillers, I certainly don't miss the eternal despair. Now for the most part I have way more peace of mind than I ever did even before I started using as well as during. NA
has a saying, "One is too many and a thousand never enough." How true that statement is. So I look at Dave and think perhaps I am lucky I didn't have everything handed to me on a silver platter. He told me he's not eating bad foods, but he obviously is or he wouldn't remain 380 lbs. He is crippled by his own fear, which causes depression, and his depression leads him to do nothing about his diabetes, and I believe he is dying.
I lost count how many times either he or his doc called off his quadruple bypass surgery. He's told me of his horrific fear of never waking up so is it he or the docs that are calling it off, or maybe both? I've given him the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous. He remains drug free like me the last 2 years, yet he is slowly dying. I know that feeling. The NA meetings are 2 house from where he lives, but he still refuses to go. I've tried
talking him into Overeaters Anonymous, but he won't go. I've talked to him about starting a daily relationship with God, but the only time he did anything to do with God was the time he was scared and I told him to give me his hands in prayer and I prayed out loud for him. When you're not open to the possibility for God's help, negation I believe brings a slow death. I lived a slow death for 42 years, and while I certainly don't deny the hellacious pleasure of shooting crystal meth as well as the sensual pleasures of other drugs, sooner or later the party is over.
Most of my life felt like a fucking endurance contest, and while the last 2 years haven't been all strawberries and orgasms, I have gained a new appreciation for life, my family, the things I do have, even work, and especially God because He somehow gives me the strength to do whatever it is I have to do and the things I fear the most.