Losing myself to amphetamine use

[scavenger]

Hello everyone, I've lurked here for quite a while but finally decided to join.

I have struggled with prescription amphetamine addiction (adderall, ritalin, vyvanse, etc.) for the past three years. Until recently I did not think that it was serious enough to warrant being called an addiction. However, upon seeing photos of myself from before my abuse escalated to the point I am at now, I became extremely distraught at the readily apparent physical effects that have taken a toll on my body.

I am 22 and diagnosed Bipolar I and ADHD. As a result of my stimulant abuse, the symptoms of Bipolar disorder are often exacerbated to the point that I am not able to function (severe mood swings, personality shifts, irregular periods of productivity, etc.). Most recently this resulted in me making life so difficult for my girlfriend, with whom I was living, that she moved out of our apartment in Washington and moved to Canada. It was at this point that I realized how far along my addiction had come and that it was time for me to quit stimulants altogether if I was to go anywhere with my life.

The problem is that I have become so accustomed to using stimulants that I feel unable to function properly without them. Part of me believes that I do gain some positive benefits from taking them. I am prescribed 70mg of Vyvanse per day (in addition to medications for Bipolar disorder, although I often fail to take these as I suspect that they interfere with the stimulants) but I am unable to take the Vyvanse in a healthy, non-abusive manner. I inevitably run out anywhere from one to two weeks early every month, at which point I become unable to function, extremely depressed, and generally unstable until my prescription is refilled.

Until I moved to Washington recently, I had a regular adderall connection in order to supplement my addiction, but since moving in March I have not been able to purchase any additional stimulants. This has negatively impacted my ability to maintain my personal health, my apartment, and the necessary responsibilities that I know I should be able to manage without the need for pharmaceutical supplementation. Given that this is not the case at present, I am coming to Bluelight to seek advice on how I can best overcome this addiction and put my life back on track.

Should I completely stop using altogether or should I attempt to take the medication only as prescribed. Whenever I have a fair amount of stimulants I tend to take anywhere from 140mg to 280mg of Vyvanse (or, in the past, 90mg to 150mg of adderall) over the course of a day or two, forgoing sleeping and eating in order to focus on tasks ranging from important (job/school applications, cleaning, etc.) to the menial (spending 4 hours retagging my classical music collection, reorganizing my laptop files, general computer-related activities). At this point I barely feel one 70mg Vyvanse and I remain lethargic and unmotivated unless I take more.

I only want to get my motivation back and to stop these drug-induced mood swings. I cannot stand knowing that I am consciously ruining my life due to my reliance on stimulants. I never used to be like this. If anyone has any advice on how to address these issues I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Missykins]

If you cannot take the medication as prescribed, then you should stop taking it. Also, you might be surprised at how good you feel when you take your bipolar meds.

 

[spork]

scavenger, I think you should talk to your prescribing doctor about this. Tell them about your concerns about stopping altogether and see what they have to say about it.

 

[footscrazy]

I think that it'd be very difficult for you to use your medications as prescribed now, after you've abused them and developed somewhat of a dependence on them. I was a long term meth user/addict and I found trying to taper or use a lower amount daily categorically useless. You may have a different experience but as far as I've seen at least, meth/amphetamines are very difficult to cut back on and remain using at a lower level. For me, the reward of meth was only provided after a certain threshold, below which, I'd be more cravey and even more dysfunctional than if I hadn't used at all. This differs from something such as opioids which still provide me with relief even if I use below the level required to get high.

I found that meth/amphetamines initially raise your productivity , which is one of the appeals of them, but chronic use will eventually bring you to a point even worse than when you started. I ended up at a point where using would just make me averagely unproductive, rather than completely useless if I didn't use at all. Once you get to this point, I believe the only way to get your motivation back is to stop using and let your brain recover. It's a vicious cycle where using has changed your brain to the extent that motivation is only provided by the drug, and the drug continues to change your brain so that you rely on it even more.

I do think your best bet is to stop, though I understand how difficult this is. In the end I found the most effective way to do this was cold turkey, and I did feel like shit and was pretty useless for 2 months. After that though I have continued to improve, and I have much higher levels of energy/ motivation that before. I do think it may have had long term effects on me though, which is why it's probably best to get out sooner rather than later.

Your diagnoses of ADHD makes it more difficult, but I do think that continued abuse is just going to set you back further in respect to this. I'd second spork in suggesting talking to your doc, there are perhaps other medications that would be effective for you, and not so addictive. Good luck with it.

 

[It's a baby!]

If I were you I would simply stop taking them, immediately. It will take you a few months, even up to a year, for your brain to get used to going without them, but that may be what you have to put up with.

That's me though, I understand you have a diagnosis of ADHD, so I guess you should really talk to your doctor. But I'd be going to my doctor saying "these uppers you gave me are making me crazy, help me get off of them!"