losing my mind. and ive lost the will to fight it anymore.

[duneplanet]

yet another topic from me. and i have very little to say. ive screwed up my brain. ive been drinking a shitload to cope with my anxiety and its made my benzo withdrawal worse. im withdrawing from suboxone yet again. i like cant stop myself. the pain is too intense to deal with sober. i found a girl that was helping me but that fell through cause she has a boyfriend and now its just not the same. i just wanna be high. but i have no means too. im having demonic nightmares every night which i feel are real and they told me they were gonna take me to hell. a lot of nights as soon as i fall asleep i start falling into hell. i think this is the end of me. ive lived a short unhappy life. i just see things getting harder. i feel so damn bad i cant take it anymore. the loneliness is what kils me. the only thing that gets me out of bed anymore is nicotine. i dont think there is hope for me. i think im really gonna lose my mind this time. and i think i may be going to hell soon.

 

[rickolasnice]

Hang in there. Things will get better.. well.. I obviously don't know that.. but chances are: things will get better. You have to help things to become better though. Healthy body healthy mind. Eat healthily, exercise regularly and lay off the drugs.. those 3 things alone are enough to cure / help a whole range of psychological problems, including depression and anxiety.

Are you seeing a doctor or a therapist or something right now?

to you my friend. Hang in there.

 

[ecstasyboy717]

i know how you feel man i've delt with depression,derealization and severe anxiety for 8 onths now because i ate some fake mollys at the club that everybody said was real. im guessing what i took was mepherdrone or some bullshit chemical not magical mdma. next day i smoked some herb like normal and it threw me into the biggest panic attack of my life. i dont feel like the same person i used to be. my vision has the weird dolly zoom effect. in my eyes everything is closer than it really is and it scares the shit out of me. i'm on xanax .5 three times a day and lexapro wich i just started weaning myself off because it feels like its doing more damage than helping.sometimes i wonder if i will ever be the same. all i can do is pray and be patient and maybe one day it will happen. i'm only 18 im too young to be dealing with all these mental issues.

 

[Asclepius]

Hey Duneplant!
I kinda understand how you feel pet. The past week has been an emotional nightmare for me and just know your not alone in this. You say things wont get any better but you dont need to be believing in a headspace that is predicting the future ATM-Simply because it is an illusion.
I remember this weekend feeling like a complete failure, I actually was inconsolable- I was convinced that everything I thought was the complete and whole truth, on a level it was but it wasn't taking into account any other factors/perspective. I kinda felt omnipotent in my dispair and it frightened the living shit out of me because I couldn't control it.

If you cant be there for yourself at the moment be honest with yourself about how you feel: Call it out; Feelings have a way of hijacking our minds/hearts and then we believe them automatically.
If you feel not good enough/rejected call it out for what it is.
If you feel like a failure or whatever is hurting name it as a feeling.
Just because you feel these things doesnt mean you ARE them.
If you can, try not to rationalise your despair as it leads to worsening dispair. Most of all be there for you at the moment because that self distruction is a temporary, twisting of reality.

Listen, as you know alcohol only intensifies this shit...believe me I was intensly, preoccupied and tormented with suicidal thoughts the past few days and drank on it which ended up making me lose even more groundedness over the ideation.

Please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself ATM, in time it wont hurt as bad and clinging on to thoughts that are arising because of these feelings is a cruelty that you dont deserve to endure hun.
Real lonleyness is being disconnected from yourself. You are definitely not alone here on TDS. PM me if you need to talk.

 

[duneplanet]

thank you so much everyone. im withdrawing from bupe yet again. and once again i can handle the physical symptomns but the severe depression, anxiety, and loneliness are what gets to me. i havent showered in 5 days and ive been wearing the same clothese everyday without leaving my bed. i think im having a nervous breakdown guys./ i keep trying to reach out to that girl but i might as well just be quiet because it willo never work. sometimes i wonder if i am in hell on earth. because things keep getting worse for me. im really jsut fucking losing it man. i relate to pink floyd the wall too much btw, its like about me. i just sit and stare all day. im young i should have alife. but i dont even leave my fucking bed.

 

[Bojangles69]

Damn bro you wd from drugs more than anyone on this forum lol. I think you pm'd me a few months back but I had left the forum for a month to go on a binge so I apologize for not getting back to you. When I came back it didn't seem like you were active anymore so that was that.

Anyway the last thing I would want to be worrying about in your situation is a girl. That could make you an insecure mess especially in opiate wds. Tell yourself you'll think about her when you're in a better state of mind, but right now just focus on breathing and making yourself as comfortable as you possibly can. The fact that you are young is actually good news because you still have ample time to turn your life around.

I've never really been sure though what your deal is were you on like a bupe maintenance program or getting it off the streets to cover a dry spell? Have you ever been to rehab? If you keep going back and forth between binging and withdrawing, and seeing the amount of utter hell you have been through, maybe rehab might be a good idea? Just go balls to the wall and try to settle this drug issue for once? At any rate keep us updated man. I've always payed attention to your stories just due to how hardcore of a person you are. I mean seriously you've been through some situations that would have likely been the end of me, and I consider myself a pretty rock solid mfkr.

Take your time and be easy on yourself. I know what that mental shit is like and yeh the physical wds pale in comparison to what the shit will do to your head. Just remember this is not your brains normal state, its the drugs that are doing it. So you're not broken and things won't be like this forever. You either face the pain and stablize your life, or go back to using the second you get a chance so you can go through this shit all over again. But only you can make that choice brotha. Take care - Bo

 

[tapuout101]

Lots o' Love here

I've seen some really good advice on handling depression and what people would know more than ones dealing with it from day to day. I think probally 95% in here is depressed on some level. I've definitly had my day,weeks and years. When we are really down we get real narrow minded that little voice says your alone, your a failure ect. For me I try to understand or hear the things my mind is says now. When I get to the point where Im saying life is no use, life is to hard ect. its time for me to get some help, medication can take the edge off and allow you to deal with things better. Depression usually lasts for a time and then backs off as out circumstances change. I look back now when I was 19 I was very depressed and think man that was stupid. You don't want to do something crazy that in a week you would laugh at. I found Suicide is an escape for you, but any family you have will pay the price big time. For your family they will live with the guilt that they killed you. Reach out...Meds can be your friend.

 

[shahab6]

why are u coming off SUB??
You should go back on them..

 

[oliphill]

If it's any help I will say that I have been through what you're going through and I promise you it does pass. There is hope even if you can't see it now, I promise.

 

[duneplanet]

i was on bupe maintainance but now im buying it off the street. i just ook some more today. it was a dumb idea cause now im gonna go through withdrawal again. but i needed it today. i was about ready top give up/ i wish i was allowed to go back on it but i have little choice in my life. my doc wont put me back on it and i cant get a new doctor or i get kicked out of my house. i took 2 mg today with no tolerance. im fucked up but its actually making me more depressed. i am kind of hardcore arent i? lol . i just dont care anymore. i worry about the girl because her affection eased my pain so much. it made me feel like a normal peron. it was better than drugs. now she wont respond to my texts. i have like very little friends too, no one to chill with anymore. i only changed my clothes and showered for the first time in 6 days today because i was gonna meet her to get the bupe. and the bu[pe isnt even making me feel better. i wish i had a credit card so i could get some kratom. kratom really helps me but i cant get it. idk i just dont care. im gonna lose my mind one of these days. hit me up on facebook bojangles if you have one

 

[godlovesugly]

man, i can honestly say i have been there...and am still going through it. i dont know if i have any words of wisdom. but know that there are others out there, who are going through the exact same pain and understand what you are going through wholeheartedly.


i have been an addict/alcoholic for 7 years. i am a [almost] 25 year old female. i have been through rehab, detox, jail, interlocks, interventions, programs[AA/NA], meetings, etc. etc...

i also have mental illnesses - major depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD.

i am currently on subs. still using, mainly NOW its been meth and xanax with everything else here and there.

when im coming off meth [even when im not actually] i have nightmares about demons, satan, and hell. i have had some crazy ass nightmares like the ones you talk about...

i dont know what the right answer is. i dont know. cause if i knew, i could 'fix' myself...but i know that you shouldnt give up. sometimes i feel the evil pull me further and further into the darkness, it grabs hold of me, and tells my heart and mind that NOTHING will ever get better, that you will always be this way, and then i go to suicide...all i can say is dont give up, dont give in. get help ASAP. go to a doctor/psychiatrist. tell them all of this. i would suggest getting back on suboxone. you need to deal with the deep down issues, get counseling. treat your mental illness[es] AND your addiction issues. you have to work on things, but i know for a fact it CAN get better, you can be happy...

feel free to message me anytime.

 

[shahab6]

I couldn't find you on FB. But if you want to chat my fb is "laseo" I delated my real one but i kept that one. or YSM me on shahab6 ..

Get kicked out?? your parents don't want u to be on it?why?? It seems that its the WD and paws that is doing this..

If its the WD that is making you like this u really need to be on Sub.

And also forget about that girl, usually they can fuck with ur mind more.

 

[tommy34]

I lay right there once at the edge of the rock.
I was ready to jump, I was ever so lost,
But this gentleman stopped and said something I never forgot

For billions of years since the outset of time
Every single one of your ancestors has survived
Every single person on your mum and dad's side
Successfully looked after and passed on to you life.
What are the chances of that, like?
It comes to me once in a while
And everywhere I tell folk it gets the best smile.

 

[kanyeknievel]

You need to know THERE IS AND THERE WILL BE a brighter day ahead. It may not be tommorow, or the next day. BUT IT WILL HAPPEN! Think about it, if you were to end it today, there could've been a brighter day tommrow and you wouldn't be alive to live it and realise it would have gotten better.
When one of those bright days come, it will seem so amazing after these shitty days. You cant just give up, and ofcourse your going to feel this bad from suboxone and benzo withdrawal. Benzo withdrawal WILL DO THIS TO YOU , as well as suboxone. Both of these together I cant imagine!

Just wait till these two withdrawals clear up, you will feel immensely better

 

[duneplanet]

i dont know why no one wants me to be on sub. shit helps so much. i still feel it a little but it's wearing off and im sure im gonna be withdrawing from it again. idk i just dont care anymore. ive given up on the idea of ever feeling normal without drugs. which sucks cause im pretty intelligent and have a lot of potential but my mental disorders are so bad that i cant function. the fucking anxiety is what i cant stand. but oh well ill just have to medicate myself. if the doctors wont help me then ill help myself. im well aware its gonna screw me in the end but just give me one more medicated peaceful moment.

 

[kanyeknievel]

i dont know why no one wants me to be on sub. shit helps so much. i still feel it a little but it's wearing off and im sure im gonna be withdrawing from it again. idk i just dont care anymore. ive given up on the idea of ever feeling normal without drugs. which sucks cause im pretty intelligent and have a lot of potential but my mental disorders are so bad that i cant function. the fucking anxiety is what i cant stand. but oh well ill just have to medicate myself. if the doctors wont help me then ill help myself. im well aware its gonna screw me in the end but just give me one more medicated peaceful moment.

I bet ive been through the same shit or worse in the past year and half than you with drugs and mental disorders, even in the worst of times when i contemplated suicide in my mind, i never gave up. and im happy i didnt. you know why? Cause my life without drugs has just been getting only better. My life is finally starting to change for the better, and i know that will happen with you.

I know how it feels during those lowest of the lows, but thats why u fee lthat way because u are in the lowest of the low right now. Drugs will do that to u, and after it being ur lifestyle for so long, anything else seems rediculous and unenjoyable, but its not true.

You have to get used to being clean and doing life without drugs, and it just doesnt happen over night. U need to work on it, and make it work for you and try hard to achieve happiness again. Make it a goal for yourself to be happy again, to enjoy life again without drugs everyday. Once u can do that, uve been throug the worst and u can handle anything! One day at a time, go to a CBT therapist, go twice a week even. I cant tell you how much it will help your life right now