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Treatment looking for answers - heroin recovery. Real or not?

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Sherr70

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Joined
Feb 14, 2017
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15
I was with someone for 5 years. I dont drink or drug and I didnt know he was a long term heroin user - he would use any drug but heroin is his DOC. He did tell me about it but I thought he was clean. So for the past 5 years I stuck by him through rehabs, jail, cheating, lies, manipulation ect. I tried not to enable but I know I didnt handle all the relapses well. The hurt and pain was and still is very raw and real.

He relapsed last March 2016 - maybe sooner but I didn't know for sure. By August 2016 I helped him get into a free rehab which put him on lock down for a month then he had free time on evenings and weekends where he could check out as long as he was back by midnight. He did very and seemed to be acting normal and loving the first 2 months. Then he started changing. He was acting as if he was still on heroin but he wasnt as he was being drug tested. I found out he had started taking Kratom. He did this 2 years ago and left me that time as well - dated someone else - ended up back on heroin - and of course I took him back in.

By Nov 2016 he told me he was planning on staying at the rehab and working there after he graduated - he no longer wanted to come home. He was nice one minute and very cold the next. He stopped calling and asking to see me as much. He told me in one conversation he wanted to focus on his recovery of which I can respect but the next sentence was he wanted to do whatever he wanted to do and didnt want anyone to tell him what to do.

He came to my home on a pass the beginning of Dec 2016 and still wasnt acting normal. All he wanted to do was play video games. He adopted a dog from a rescue 2 years ago and didnt seem to care about him anymore either. When I dropped him off after his pass I didnt hear from him for a week. I use to be close to his mom who I also found out had started sending him money he seemed to cause fights between us. I now have no contact with her. She hates me.

On christmas day I went to the rehab and he told me I was stupid and he didnt want to see me anymore - we were done. No thoughts on his dog or me. He basically laughed at me when I was crying.

On Jan 3rd he got an emergency order of protection against me by lien to the judge - this was dismissed at the hearing 2 weeks later. He then tried to get another emergency order of protection on my last Thursday and that was denied but he requested a hearing so I have to go to court again on Feb 23rd. I have not spoke to him since Dec 25th 2016. I have not went to the rehab. I have had no contact with him at all.

He tells his family he is clean and done with drugs for good because he doesnt want to come back to me.

He is now on dating sites.

He is still staying at the rehab and they graduated him the end of January.

I dont know if he is still using Kratom to get a high from - can pass a drug test but its like I dont even know who he is. He is posting bad things about me on his facebook page. I cant see them as he blocked me but my friends can. He says I am a psycho and I am pathetic and I am a stalker.

The dog he rescued is now in my name and I wont abandon him as its not his fault and I love animals.

Am I denial about all this? Is he really on the path to recovery? Does he just not want me in his life because he has a free place to live and a job now? Was everything a lie?
When he first went to this rehab this time he said he was afraid of losing me and he couldnt wait to come home to be with me and his dog. He completely changed. I am just at a loss as to what to think. Of course I want him clean and happy. But from what I have read this doesnt seem like someone who is serious about recovery or following the 12 steps. I think he still goes to meetings. He is very cocky and arrogant again. With his new facebook he is friends with all his old friends - some he used drugs with - some from the rehab - some girls he use to have relationships with. None of these people have been around in 5 years to help or support him - nothing. It was just me. Now I am the outcast.

This isnt the first time he has done this to me. I am not perfect but when he fails I am the one he calls. I am afraid of hearing from him again and other part of me is afraid I wont ever hear from him again.

Any comments - or thoughts would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 
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Until he is able to start working on himself your relationship with him is only going to continue causing you tremendous harm. In fact, it will likely escalate become more toxic as time goes on.

Sadly, there is only so much you can do to help him out. Even if you do love the person and have a history, you aren't his parents. You aren't responsible for him at the end of the day. He is, and he needs to learn how to take care of his own emotional (and material) needs. Given what little you have told us about yourself and your relationship with him, it is clear that you are not capable of teaching him how to take care of himself.

This guy has disrespected you and treated you like dirt. He behavior you have detailed demonstrates that he is incapable of maintaining any kind of healthy romantic relationship at this point in his life.

Your fear of hearing from him again is a healthy one. This is a good thing. It means you recognize that, in a way, your love for him has become a kind of drug. Are you aware of the outcome when someone like yourself engaged in a romantic relationship with someone as unstable as him? One word: (more) sadness, sorrow, loss and loneliness. Hardly what I would consider the foundations for a worthwhile relationship.

Your fear of letting him go is a very natural, normal experience. I want to say more on this topic, and I will, another time ;)

Keep your head up Sherr. You do you. Take care of yourself, no one can ask anything more of you than that. Love will find you.

Sounds like this particular rehab is kinda cultish... ever read the book, Help at Any Cost? What is this rehab he is at called?
 
Thank you for your reply. I have accepted the fact that I cant fix him or help him. If it was going to happen it would have by now. I think back over the past 5 years and there were many more bad times then good. It was usually me trying to help him out but when I needed him he was not around - everything and anything was more important then me.

I know I am in denial about who he really is. Sometimes I think he will find someone and treat them so much better than he treated me and be clean and happy. But then (I am not real religious) but I believe God took him out of my life because I was not capable of doing so and God knows things are going to get worse for him so hes protecting me.

I fear he will come back because he always does when he bottoms out and has no one who will "help" him. He is always looking for the better deal or the better high he can get from either a drug or a person.

You are right I Have had a lot of loneliness even when we were together. Many nights I wondered why I wasnt good enough or how long he would stay this time. I became very co-dependent. I didnt want to let go at any cost. I think back and wonder if he was really clean the last 2 years. Different behaviors and things that occured make me think he wasnt but just wasnt using all the time.

I try not to believe its me that its the drugs and thats why he is so cruel and heartless. I cant believe that anyone could be so mean and sober. But maybe they can be. He is a very selfish person. He expects others to always do for him but he really doesnt give much in return.

I am pushing myself daily to do me and take care of me and be strong for if the day comes when he returns I cant let him back in. Its hard because I was sober for the past 5 years - I never got into drugs and use to drink socially - and he spent the past 5 years on some kind of substance so to just forget about 5 years is hard and painful.
The rehab is with the salvation army. I emailed them asking them to please stop allowing the gossip and cruel comments from their clients and in turn they showed him my email. Which of course made things worse for me. He then said I was trying to get him kicked out of which I wasnt. I just wanted the people laughing at me to stop. Its like bullying and I am an adult but its still hard to deal with. No one should be laughed at when they are hurting. Its like he is void of any feelings.

I will check out that book.

I do pray he finds his recovery and gets well but I dont see that happening. I can only take care of me now and its long over do. Sometimes I think I miss him and then I wonder what I miss? Being broke because I paid for everything even when he was working, feeling alone, the lies, the manipulation?

As long as he has video games and can fool people and a girl to mess with he is just fine. And some sort of substance to give him his feeling of being high which is where the Kratom comes in. Last time he used Kratom for about 3 months before he went back to heroin. Heroin is cheaper and better high.
 
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So sorry to hear what you've been through, Sherr. It sounds like you've got this pretty well in hand, and TPD's suggestions are right on the money. I have only one detail I'd like to add. It sounds like his problems run deeper than the drugs (I think you know this, based on what you wrote). Pathological selfishness and a tendency to shake loved ones down based on what they have to offer usually make a person impossible to relate to on a serious level. He may be better when he's clean. But it sounds like he'll eventually find a way to make you feel shitty.

I think you raise a very good point, too: it's a great idea to make some plans for how you'll handle it when he comes back to you. It strikes me as extremely likely that at some point he'll knock on your door again. Best to be mentally prepared for moments like that!

Best luck.
Sim
 
It's not your problem anymore what he does. He's treated you like absolute shot and you deserve better. Cut him out of your life is my advice.
 
cj said:
It's not your problem anymore what he does. He's treated you like absolute shot and you deserve better. Cut him out of your life is my advice.
Click to expand...

+1

Can be much clearer than this, and I also agree whole heartedly with simco.

I know it is hard OP, but you really would benefit so much from just focusing on yourself. Is there anything in particular that is holding you back? BTW the Salvation Army is a notoriously hard place to actually achieve any meaningful recovery. It sure sounds like he doesn't have a lot of options. I guarantee you can find a better partner out there than him though.
 
I'm not sure why I'm holding on. I guess because of our history because I really did love him. He graduated from there n they gave him job n he lives there now. I believed him.
 
as a ex heroin addict, and living with ex heroin addicts, and just observing how they talk about treating woman makes me seriously sick to my stomach. they treat them like just something to fuck, and to be honest me personally i am looking something more then just a piece of ass in a relationship.

just know that not all ex heroin addicts are as fucked up as your buddy is. i am with cj here, let him go.
 
He told a friend of a friend today that he felt sorry for her that she knows anyone associated with me. That his life has drastically changed for the better since he left me. That it was the best thing he ever did and he does not have any love for me at all.
 
It's not a loss for me anymore. It's his loss. He loat a good person. I lost a liar n a manipulator who enjoys hurting others.
 
Yeah, you really should check out the book: Help at Any Cost by Maia Szalavitz. It explores the dark underbelly of the treatment industry, how their coercive, manipulative "treatment" models end up turning friends, family and loves ones against each other.

Run like hell from this guy. He has been brainwashed by his treatment center. He hasn't actually worked out his issues. The so called treatment place he was at clearly just added another layer of conditioning.

He might have stopped using drugs, but so what? Just because someone stopped using drugs doesn't automatically turn them into an angel. Not using drugs does't necessarily make someone a better person, if they haven't worked out their underlying issues.
 
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I'm sorry for the additional pain this has put you through. I know it's hard but use this time to really focus on bettering yourself. Sometimes taking a break from social media can really help as well. Best of luck to you!
 
He is back w his family that have watched me struggle n work 2 jobs. He still lives at that terrible rehab. All sudden everyone who hasn't been around is his friend again n I'm talked about like trash. He may still be using kratom but he's boosting his ego n talken all he's clean n I'm crazy. A healthy happy person doesn't shit all over the only one who's been there. He walked out on his dog. I'm seeking private counseling now. I'm numb. I have no idea who this person is. His mom is his biggest enabler. Every time he relapsed she still sent him money n didn't believe me. Now she acts like he does to me. I simply don't exist.
 
I agree....cut your losses. You got a sweet dog out of it now it's time for you to focus on you ;)
 
OP, addiction can feel like a lonely and painful world for the addict and the people closest to the addict. I am glad you are seeking some outside counseling. I would suggest trying out some nar-anon or al-anon meetings. At the very least you may find comfort in the empathy that is available. You are definitely not alone in your experience. It doesn't sound like an a-typical chain of events. If you get better it won't matter as much if he gets better.
 
I'm trying to put me first now. He hasn't been in my life at all for 2 months n I don't expect to hear from him unless he ends up homeless n strung out w no one again n I pray to have the strength to nvr go bck. He's still living in rehab n they r not that greathe since they lie for him. RemInds me of a twisted cult group. I do pray one day he gets real help n gets clean from kratom n works the steps. Until he does that my thought is he will go bck to heroin again because his behaviors n false or fake persona is not healthy.
 
man fuck him dude...theres a million guys out their why not date someone who has a good future and is educated
 
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