SebastianSkip
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2017
- Messages
- 58
Hi
It?s been awhile. I?m still on my path to quit smoking. I don?t like that Juul e-cigs are popular with new smokers but they?re pretty ideal for me right now. Smoking was f-ing with my self esteem big time. I live in a place where most people are really intolerant towards smokers and since I was trying to hide it all the time it just made me feel like everyone looked down on me. Anyhow, other than feeling a bit emotionally raw for a few days because I?m getting less nicotine, it?s been an easy transition to vaping which it wasn?t before the evil Juul
But that?s not really what brought me here tonight.
I?m lonely. Like deeply solitary loneliness, the suburbia isolation that lacks any romanticism. Sometimes I have to fight the feeling that I hate everyone and everything. I know I only feel that way because I?m alone but there are people all around.
And I smoked because I?ve always felt alone in the world and the cigarettes made me feel attached to *something*.
I?ve taken steps to remedy this. I do more, I?m volunteering again and this time it?s a situation where I interact with people more, I feel a part of something, it feels special, I?m thankful. People always say, ?volunteer!? to overcome loneliness but a lot of volunteer opportunities just intensify the feeling of being an outsider, showing up briefly in someone else?s ?second home? workspace, a intruder no matter how welcoming people are there?s still a constant reminder one is a guest. But like I said, I found something that doesn?t feel that way now and I?m thankful. It?ll take time but I definitely think this could lead to making good healthy friendships and I feel some sense of community.
Maybe it?s because things are better. Maybe it?s the switch to Lyrica for my chronic pain, it makes me more outgoing and eases my anxiety. I binge watched that show m Crazy Ex Girlfriend. It was fun and I thought I was not really like the main character because I hide my neediness, at all costs. But it hit me hard at one point, I just sobbed because even though my actions are completely different the emotions Rachel Bloom showed were mine. The absolute desperate craving for connection with someone who would validate me but going about it all wrong.
It should have been a clue. I used to get really angry any time a mental health professional suggested I felt abandoned. Fuck you, I don?t have abandonment issues, this isn?t about abandonment, they had to leave, it?s just how it is, no one abandoned me, fuck you for even suggesting...
So, I?m pretty sure I have abandonment issues. Profound, intense, abandonment and attachment issues.
I just felt like saying this somewhere where because I have no friends. I tried to get in touch with someone I used to hang out with but ugh he?s a mind fuck and emotionally immature in a way that I can?t handle until I?m healthier. My boundaries are ok, I at least know what ok boundaries are now but I get around him and they?re almost impossible to keep up because he?s got none. I think he?s a decent person but he?s also manipulative and a bit of a narcissist. That sounds bad but he?s messed up and he knows he is and I still think he wants other people to be ok and happy which makes him very much not a full blown ugly kinda narcissist.
Anyhow. I?m lonely and sometimes the feeling hits me like someone punched me in the face or stabbed my heart. I was at a meeting recently and someone rolled their eyes while I was talking. I?m working on my communication skills, I get nervous, I know they don?t like me and that?s fine but because I?m lonely and feel like I?m shit and not worth anyone?s time or consideration or love, those gestures are really painful.
Atleast I?m acknowledging it tho. I used to just feel anxious and hurt all the time but now if someone dismisses me I feel it in my chest and think, ?ouch, that hurt soooo much, that strikes right at the core of my insecurities, my sense of worthlessness. It?s ok tho, I won?t always feel this way because I know I?m not worthless and I just need to heal and learn new ways?.
I?m trying to find a therapist. It kinda sucks that I might have to travel to a nearby city see someone that?s a good match. I don?t want to have to drive very far before/after sessions but I guess it?s worth it. I need someone who can deal with my defensiveness. The other therapist I?ve seen, it either pissed them off or made them baby me. The best situation I had was a psychiatrist who did neither but often looked at me like I was a curiosity. That?s fine, I don?t know how people in their position are supposed to deal with someone who just shuts down. At least he didn?t act annoyed or treat me like a child.
Oh dog. I feel for anyone who attempts to read this. But thanks if you did.
It?s been awhile. I?m still on my path to quit smoking. I don?t like that Juul e-cigs are popular with new smokers but they?re pretty ideal for me right now. Smoking was f-ing with my self esteem big time. I live in a place where most people are really intolerant towards smokers and since I was trying to hide it all the time it just made me feel like everyone looked down on me. Anyhow, other than feeling a bit emotionally raw for a few days because I?m getting less nicotine, it?s been an easy transition to vaping which it wasn?t before the evil Juul
But that?s not really what brought me here tonight.
I?m lonely. Like deeply solitary loneliness, the suburbia isolation that lacks any romanticism. Sometimes I have to fight the feeling that I hate everyone and everything. I know I only feel that way because I?m alone but there are people all around.
And I smoked because I?ve always felt alone in the world and the cigarettes made me feel attached to *something*.
I?ve taken steps to remedy this. I do more, I?m volunteering again and this time it?s a situation where I interact with people more, I feel a part of something, it feels special, I?m thankful. People always say, ?volunteer!? to overcome loneliness but a lot of volunteer opportunities just intensify the feeling of being an outsider, showing up briefly in someone else?s ?second home? workspace, a intruder no matter how welcoming people are there?s still a constant reminder one is a guest. But like I said, I found something that doesn?t feel that way now and I?m thankful. It?ll take time but I definitely think this could lead to making good healthy friendships and I feel some sense of community.
Maybe it?s because things are better. Maybe it?s the switch to Lyrica for my chronic pain, it makes me more outgoing and eases my anxiety. I binge watched that show m Crazy Ex Girlfriend. It was fun and I thought I was not really like the main character because I hide my neediness, at all costs. But it hit me hard at one point, I just sobbed because even though my actions are completely different the emotions Rachel Bloom showed were mine. The absolute desperate craving for connection with someone who would validate me but going about it all wrong.
It should have been a clue. I used to get really angry any time a mental health professional suggested I felt abandoned. Fuck you, I don?t have abandonment issues, this isn?t about abandonment, they had to leave, it?s just how it is, no one abandoned me, fuck you for even suggesting...
So, I?m pretty sure I have abandonment issues. Profound, intense, abandonment and attachment issues.
I just felt like saying this somewhere where because I have no friends. I tried to get in touch with someone I used to hang out with but ugh he?s a mind fuck and emotionally immature in a way that I can?t handle until I?m healthier. My boundaries are ok, I at least know what ok boundaries are now but I get around him and they?re almost impossible to keep up because he?s got none. I think he?s a decent person but he?s also manipulative and a bit of a narcissist. That sounds bad but he?s messed up and he knows he is and I still think he wants other people to be ok and happy which makes him very much not a full blown ugly kinda narcissist.
Anyhow. I?m lonely and sometimes the feeling hits me like someone punched me in the face or stabbed my heart. I was at a meeting recently and someone rolled their eyes while I was talking. I?m working on my communication skills, I get nervous, I know they don?t like me and that?s fine but because I?m lonely and feel like I?m shit and not worth anyone?s time or consideration or love, those gestures are really painful.
Atleast I?m acknowledging it tho. I used to just feel anxious and hurt all the time but now if someone dismisses me I feel it in my chest and think, ?ouch, that hurt soooo much, that strikes right at the core of my insecurities, my sense of worthlessness. It?s ok tho, I won?t always feel this way because I know I?m not worthless and I just need to heal and learn new ways?.
I?m trying to find a therapist. It kinda sucks that I might have to travel to a nearby city see someone that?s a good match. I don?t want to have to drive very far before/after sessions but I guess it?s worth it. I need someone who can deal with my defensiveness. The other therapist I?ve seen, it either pissed them off or made them baby me. The best situation I had was a psychiatrist who did neither but often looked at me like I was a curiosity. That?s fine, I don?t know how people in their position are supposed to deal with someone who just shuts down. At least he didn?t act annoyed or treat me like a child.
Oh dog. I feel for anyone who attempts to read this. But thanks if you did.
much better now I get Trazodone to knock me out at night.