Im dying to write again. its the only way to revisit all those highs and lows, now that Im in different clothes. I reach back and pull it from my mind, and slowly it builds up into a wave of emotion and i can smile and close my eyes as it crashes over me, every nerve on end, just to feel it once again. Sniffin the fumes of a long ago life just to catch that feeling back.
everything so normal now.
Reanimated. Shoot it up and I start again. Dead doll, frankenstein monster, just need a jolt. Flick the switch and Im up, on, off, on, off, its that easy. i can go all night with enough of this stuff. days wasted half awake, nodding. Barely alive, youd think-til you seen me without it.
"Shes still writin about that shit??"
i keep my phone under my pillow at night so my dreams can call. but phone stays silent. Someday i want it to ring and everything i been waiting for is on the other line. how i used to dream, in the junkie daze, when id drift thru the middle of my dope sick night, sweaty and restless turning my pillow over and over and over again, can never find the cool side, and in my dream body the phone would ring, and the thing it says on the caller ID is some kind of blurred amalagamation of every drug I been wishing for, every high i never felt, and that symbol on the screen when I pick up means that there, right in front of me is 45 actiq lollypops and fentanyl powder and hundreds of dilaudids and opana IR, bundles, bricks and bricks of heroin, all types of shit, every dopehead wetdream you can imagine, and boxes of fresh sets points gleaming in my mind....
That ambition, not the same game but different. The level of need is the same, but its in a different way. All this and more, every open door waiting. Every wish realized. Open your eyes and "My life is fine." Thats wat Id find.
these days its a little different. monday tuesday thursday all the same. different only in name. I wake and my body aint mine, just a giver of nutrition to another life. Milk dispenser. A warm soft curve to nestle in. i spent so many years so selfishly chasing every ecstasy i could find, running farther still, searching for a bliss that i could only imagine, onwards towards new heights that only exist in my mind. Now I dont think its wrong at all to let myself belong to somebody else. About time I learned how to sacrifice.
Thing is, I like it. I got my second chance, a new life to mold and shape, the right way this time. My past dont matter, cuz my future is here in my hands, two tiny eyes and a mind ready to absorb everything right, everything I never did, every truth I ignored in the place of pleasure, and its enough. Not everybody gets the chance to live twice.
I just need a spot to drain my brain real quick, just to get it down. It aint nothing yet, just a stream of regret that I cant do more. But thats all, for now.
everything so normal now.
Reanimated. Shoot it up and I start again. Dead doll, frankenstein monster, just need a jolt. Flick the switch and Im up, on, off, on, off, its that easy. i can go all night with enough of this stuff. days wasted half awake, nodding. Barely alive, youd think-til you seen me without it.
"Shes still writin about that shit??"
i keep my phone under my pillow at night so my dreams can call. but phone stays silent. Someday i want it to ring and everything i been waiting for is on the other line. how i used to dream, in the junkie daze, when id drift thru the middle of my dope sick night, sweaty and restless turning my pillow over and over and over again, can never find the cool side, and in my dream body the phone would ring, and the thing it says on the caller ID is some kind of blurred amalagamation of every drug I been wishing for, every high i never felt, and that symbol on the screen when I pick up means that there, right in front of me is 45 actiq lollypops and fentanyl powder and hundreds of dilaudids and opana IR, bundles, bricks and bricks of heroin, all types of shit, every dopehead wetdream you can imagine, and boxes of fresh sets points gleaming in my mind....
That ambition, not the same game but different. The level of need is the same, but its in a different way. All this and more, every open door waiting. Every wish realized. Open your eyes and "My life is fine." Thats wat Id find.
these days its a little different. monday tuesday thursday all the same. different only in name. I wake and my body aint mine, just a giver of nutrition to another life. Milk dispenser. A warm soft curve to nestle in. i spent so many years so selfishly chasing every ecstasy i could find, running farther still, searching for a bliss that i could only imagine, onwards towards new heights that only exist in my mind. Now I dont think its wrong at all to let myself belong to somebody else. About time I learned how to sacrifice.
Thing is, I like it. I got my second chance, a new life to mold and shape, the right way this time. My past dont matter, cuz my future is here in my hands, two tiny eyes and a mind ready to absorb everything right, everything I never did, every truth I ignored in the place of pleasure, and its enough. Not everybody gets the chance to live twice.
I just need a spot to drain my brain real quick, just to get it down. It aint nothing yet, just a stream of regret that I cant do more. But thats all, for now.
