Life is starting to crumble again...

[surfer99]

So I used to frequent this site a lot a few years back and have not been on as much since I got clean in 2009-2010. To make a long story short, I used to be a very very bad heroin addict. Before I got clean I had been on dope for around 7-8 years (I'm 25 at the moment), and had been everywhere from homeless living on the streets of skidrow prostituting myself for dope money, to doing several stints in jail, to hospitals from OD, to contracting hep c from sharing needles.

I had picked up a few charges and was ordered to go to a long term rehab back in 2008 and was in rehab for a year and got clean. Got out of rehab and slipped up again and went on suboxone immediately(had already tried methadone suboxone countless times before, but tried it again) and thats when something happened and I completely turned my life around and started making a lot of positive changes in my life. I got started treatment for my hep c, started going to college again and was able to transfer from a community college to a university and got a steady part time job. I completely got rid of my hep c and got heavily into mixed martial arts and fighting, got the trust of my family back and while I did not have many friends or people to talk to, I kept busy and did not touch dope for nearly 2 whole years.

Now we are in the present, and in the last few months I have gone on a few pretty good runs with shooting dope. The last one being this past week where I blew threw a few hundred dollars. My arms are getting scarred up again and I felt a feeling I never thought I would feel ever again, that being dope sickness. I am going to school still and am still working but both school and work are being affected. Especially after this last run I have been craving really bad and even though I am back on the suboxone and have not done dope in a few days, I am constantly thinking about it and making plans in my head to go cop one last time. I have not gone to train mixed martial arts in 2 weeks now and am falling back in school and all I can think about is doing one last shot (which we all know wont be the last).

My question is, am I really fucked for life in this deal? I would have thought that that after changing my life so much and in such a positive way in the past 2 years I would not have a reason to go back to that miserable lifestyle. I dont even know why I started doing dope again. There was no trigger, no unexpected stress or shit that would cause someone to relapse. I just remember I woke up one morning and decided I would go cop a bag. What the fuck is wrong with me? Sorry for the rambling post. Im just sitting here very angry and depressed and contemplating going to cop tomorrow morning before work. Life sucks.

 

[Neeoon23]

I completely understand where you are at, I'm going through a lot of the same things right now. I'm on suboxone but still get high, and really have no reason for it other than feeling like I'm not ready to be completely done with dope. I love being high.

I wish I could help you out more, but considering I can't help myself with the same problem I don't know what to say other than you definitely aren't alone.

 

[OverDone]

My question is, am I really fucked for life in this deal? I would have thought that that after changing my life so much and in such a positive way in the past 2 years I would not have a reason to go back to that miserable lifestyle. I dont even know why I started doing dope again. There was no trigger, no unexpected stress or shit that would cause someone to relapse. I just remember I woke up one morning and decided I would go cop a bag. What the fuck is wrong with me?

There isn't anything unusually wrong with you.

Check this out... I do the 12 Step thing and when someone comes back from a run, I ask them 'What happened?' After they go through the standard rote of 'I stopped going to meetings' and 'I stopped calling my sponsor' or 'Blah blah blah' the REAL answer that comes next (the exact nature) is usually one of the following:

• 'I just wanted to get high'
• 'I felt like I could get away with one more'
• 'It seemed like an ok thing to do at the time'
• 'I forgot what it could do to me'

I have used all four of these explanations. The one that really fucked me was that I thought that after X amount of time clean that I was 'fixed'. I could now use successfully. I had finally GRADUATED.

Well, we are never fixed but we do heal rather well.
We will never find that perfect formula that will make us able to use without the same results we have encountered before.
We never become like those folks who can get high one Saturday night and not touch a goddamn thing for a few months.

For me, accepting (not just acknowledging) the fact that I just can't fucking do it without it bringing me to the same places (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc) that I always go to whenever i do just one. Without fail.

We gotta look at our past honestly and see our patterns. When we see the evidence staring at us, in spite of all our willpower, rules, conditions, spouses, or family... it ALWAYS ends the same for us.

If you're like me, this is how it is. Don't abuse yourself over this. Gain strength from it. Learn from it and most importantly, do the things you know you need to do (whatever they may be). You won't want to do them but you gotta fucking do them anyway. The discomfort starts to fade with repetition of new behaviors, new ways of doing things and especially new ways of seeing things.

Shit, sorry for the ramble... In a nutshell... no, you are just like many of us and the bare nuts of it all is about change and learning from our failures and becoming strong from the self-inflicted beat downs.

You got this thing (and I suspect you know this) %)

 

[Legerity]

There's nothing wrong with you man. Decisions are often made at an unconscious level for reasons that we are not even aware of. The more I allow myself to become aware of, pleasant or not, the more power I have to make choices that will lead me in the direction that I want to go.

I'm not really sure there is a specific recipe for doing so but if you pay attention to how your thoughts/emotions operate, you may notice certain patterns or automatic responses that often go unquestioned.

It's possible that doing so could give you some insight into your intentions and make it easier to make the choices that you really want rather than have them be made unconsciously for you.

 

[TheLostBoys]

My question is, am I really fucked for life in this deal? I would have thought that that after changing my life so much and in such a positive way in the past 2 years I would not have a reason to go back to that miserable lifestyle. I dont even know why I started doing dope again. There was no trigger, no unexpected stress or shit that would cause someone to relapse. I just remember I woke up one morning and decided I would go cop a bag. What the fuck is wrong with me? Sorry for the rambling post. Im just sitting here very angry and depressed and contemplating going to cop tomorrow morning before work. Life sucks.

Umm.....your experience is no different than someone taking a shot of whisky after not drinking for a while. You felt like copping some dope & you had yourself some fun. Dwelling over it not can not take you back to where you were before copping. You did it so deal with it. You're not out robbing banks to get your fix, are you?