Life is confusing right now. Outwardly life is normal, but inwardly there are so many fluctuations. It feels like a great shift is happening, and my entire world is coming apart, yet outwardly it's status quo. This de-sync is really making me question whether or not I want to live, and more accurately, whether or not I can live. It's like trying to survive when the values are constantly shifting. Where is the stability? People might accuse me of being too anxsty, but what I'm going through is very real to me.
Nothing has the same flavor anymore. My friendships feel stale, and it feels bad saying that because they are good friends. I no longer resonate with my partner in many ways. The city I live in feels over done. My job, as much as I love it, feels oddly misplaced. Yet I can't think of anywhere else to be, or what else I'd rather be doing. The feelings are so contradictory. Life feels totally wrong in this configuration. It worked up until now, and now something is loudly declaring that this configuration is over. It's ending.
It's not exactly anhedonia. I'm feeling a lot right now. It feels like I'm an alien in my own environment, and that this... way of doing things is over. Like, really over. We are done, caput. Yet the life that involves this way of doing things continues on, almost out of my control. And it feels painful. It's like a death is happening: a slow, agonizing death. It's practically happening in slow motion. I don't mean anything suicidal, but more... the cycles of life, or even something spiritual.
Aside from the occasional weed, I haven't been doing drugs at all lately. That's what concerns me the most. This feeling of being a misfit in my own life appears to be genuine and not something drug induced. I've been writing this feeling off for a long time as it sits squarely in the back of my mind (and in my gut), like it's just some sort of minor distortion that will pass. But it never passes, and for over a year now it has grown and grown so exponentially that now the tiny whisper is consuming everything. It's not dissociation, nor is it paranoia, but it does feel like the seat of chaos.
If it were something I could easily pinpoint or explain, I would have dealt with it already. I'm practical like that. I have a good grasp of my own cognition, and I've got my finger on my own pulse so to speak. That's why this is confusing me, there so far isn't a simple explanation. But surely there must be one? I've wondered if maybe it's a sign I need a break, or that there is a major change that needs to happen which I have been in denial about, or even (more esoterically) if it's something global I'm picking up on... everybody else's anxst, or the impending feeling that something radical could happen any day.
Whatever this feeling is, it presses down on me. It is a constant nagging reminder that I can't just go about merrily living life the way I always have, and that something's gotta give. But like I said before, nothing is outwardly wrong. Life looks good, really it does. So why the fuck do I feel this way? What is this... sensation, inner message, or feeling that is pushing me and saying "this isn't right, this can't last for much longer, it needs to go, you need to go, BIG CHANGE IS COMING SO BRACE YOURSELF" ???
The most perplexing part of all this is that I've had this feeling many times in my past, and there was always some clue as to what the change would be. There were obvious signs, or the transition was gradual and I was somewhat aware of it. This time? There is nothing. It's like I'm having labor pains and the rebirth is not happening. The agony of this pro-longed sense of anticipation (over what, I don't know) is starting to drive me mad, and I can't take it for much longer.
The feeling is so pressing that I've been looking into all the radical ways I could change. I could move cities, I could go out and make new friends, go to new venues, try a new kind of drug - something. Yet nothing feels right. The true change hasn't arrived yet, so there is no point in looking for what it is.
Does any of this make sense? I feel very lucid as I write this, but it's such an unusual situation that I'm concerned it looks like the writings of a raving lunatic.
Nothing has the same flavor anymore. My friendships feel stale, and it feels bad saying that because they are good friends. I no longer resonate with my partner in many ways. The city I live in feels over done. My job, as much as I love it, feels oddly misplaced. Yet I can't think of anywhere else to be, or what else I'd rather be doing. The feelings are so contradictory. Life feels totally wrong in this configuration. It worked up until now, and now something is loudly declaring that this configuration is over. It's ending.
It's not exactly anhedonia. I'm feeling a lot right now. It feels like I'm an alien in my own environment, and that this... way of doing things is over. Like, really over. We are done, caput. Yet the life that involves this way of doing things continues on, almost out of my control. And it feels painful. It's like a death is happening: a slow, agonizing death. It's practically happening in slow motion. I don't mean anything suicidal, but more... the cycles of life, or even something spiritual.
Aside from the occasional weed, I haven't been doing drugs at all lately. That's what concerns me the most. This feeling of being a misfit in my own life appears to be genuine and not something drug induced. I've been writing this feeling off for a long time as it sits squarely in the back of my mind (and in my gut), like it's just some sort of minor distortion that will pass. But it never passes, and for over a year now it has grown and grown so exponentially that now the tiny whisper is consuming everything. It's not dissociation, nor is it paranoia, but it does feel like the seat of chaos.
If it were something I could easily pinpoint or explain, I would have dealt with it already. I'm practical like that. I have a good grasp of my own cognition, and I've got my finger on my own pulse so to speak. That's why this is confusing me, there so far isn't a simple explanation. But surely there must be one? I've wondered if maybe it's a sign I need a break, or that there is a major change that needs to happen which I have been in denial about, or even (more esoterically) if it's something global I'm picking up on... everybody else's anxst, or the impending feeling that something radical could happen any day.
Whatever this feeling is, it presses down on me. It is a constant nagging reminder that I can't just go about merrily living life the way I always have, and that something's gotta give. But like I said before, nothing is outwardly wrong. Life looks good, really it does. So why the fuck do I feel this way? What is this... sensation, inner message, or feeling that is pushing me and saying "this isn't right, this can't last for much longer, it needs to go, you need to go, BIG CHANGE IS COMING SO BRACE YOURSELF" ???
The most perplexing part of all this is that I've had this feeling many times in my past, and there was always some clue as to what the change would be. There were obvious signs, or the transition was gradual and I was somewhat aware of it. This time? There is nothing. It's like I'm having labor pains and the rebirth is not happening. The agony of this pro-longed sense of anticipation (over what, I don't know) is starting to drive me mad, and I can't take it for much longer.
The feeling is so pressing that I've been looking into all the radical ways I could change. I could move cities, I could go out and make new friends, go to new venues, try a new kind of drug - something. Yet nothing feels right. The true change hasn't arrived yet, so there is no point in looking for what it is.
Does any of this make sense? I feel very lucid as I write this, but it's such an unusual situation that I'm concerned it looks like the writings of a raving lunatic.
