Life is a molotov cocktail

[Wolfblood]

Hey everyone.

I don't think i have ever used a forum for help, advice or encouragement but here goes..

I am 36 now, and it feels like I can never truly be happy again. From my point of view I feel like a loser. very lost, alone and burnt out. I want things to change but i don't know how.

I should explain that I am 13 weeks weed free and that includes tobacco and other drugs.

My past drug history has mostly been Weed, MDMA, alcohol and Tobacco. Those are the main ones. But I am also no stranger in the past to Coke, Acid, Mushrooms, Speed, and to a much lesser extent K.

There was a time in my 20's when it was a ritual to do mdma with friends (every week) which was stupid looking back. I did way too much of it. I have slowed way down in my 30's, The last time i did mdma was probably May or June this year. (I regretted it the day after). MDMA used to give me loads of energy and confidence but now i just feel lethargic. Anyone else had that problem?

I just don't feel good at all any more. In fact i feel awful most days. I get Headaches, Depression, Anxiety, Paranoia, Random Pains. Mood swings, Suicidal thoughts, My chest feels like a giant foot is on it. Hard to breath. I feel out of it, even though I am sober. No energy, no motivation, It's like my drug use has zapped my intelligence and given me cognitive impairment. I am scared that i have permanent brain and body damage. It has been like this a long time and completely affects my life. My personality isn't me any more. I am insecure and I doubt everything. I can't help but think that the mdma or weed caused this.

I used to be a pretty popular person with a good social life. People liked me and all was good.
Now I have became withdrawn and estranged from my friends

I can't help but feel resentment but also regret towards them. Resentment because they weren't there for me. Regret because of how i acted or how stubborn i was.

I live a lot like a recluse now. I go to work (a crap job which i hate) then come home then go to work again. It feels like the film groundhog day.
No real social life at all which is horrible for me.

I have tried the SSRI approach (zoloft) and it did help but i still didn't feel normal or like me. Something was missing.
I have started going to the gym again (stopped in October). I was (252lb) when i left university in 2010 and I am now down to (179lb) It wasn't easy but I did it. I still have lot of self image problems (which is another issue for me) I am eating healthy. My main focus at the moment is trying to be healthy and more fit.

I just hope it will get better, because at the moment it feels like it will only get worse. Nothing gives me pleasure or excitement these days.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like you have a lot of self-esteem issues to address so that you can expand your life into areas outside of work that will give you meaning. No one can live a life of drudgery for long without succumbing to understandable but unhealthy ways to mitigate the emptiness. What do you love? how can you be more connected to whatever that is? It could be people, it could be nature, a sport, an art, a hobby, a passion--anything that makes you excited or makes you smile. What stops you from seeking out companionship and activities that mean something to you?

It's hard when you feel depressed and without motivation to really summon the courage to explore these questions but I really believe asking them to yourself is the first step out. For me, reading the words of others helps. That could be in the form of philosophy, psychology or even good poetry. We all struggle with the feelings of emptiness and isolation, despite what we choose to show on the outside. Finding other voices that echo your own feelings can be truly comforting and empowering at the same time.

 

[Wolfblood]

Thank you for responding

I would say definitely heavy self esteem issues and I hate feeling this way.

I worry a lot because it does feel like I am unable to feel 'happy' ever. The part of the brain that allows happiness or pleasure just doesn't seem to work. I know this because sometimes a feeling or memory will sift through and I will remember that i never used to feel this way. It then disappears within seconds and i miss it. It's hard to explain. I also find myself almost in tears for just thinking of certain things sometimes.

I don't really know what I love any more. It used to be hanging out with friends, talking to friends online, going out to clubs, gigs, watching movies, playing games. I am a huge film fan but even that feels grey and dull compared to how it used to feel. My attention span is terrible. I wanted to have a career in film something behind the scenes.

I thought the reason i stopped being sociable was because i put on weight but i realize it was more than that. Even after losing it i still feel unsatisfied

You're right about reading words from others. I started reading a lot more Charles Bukowski and his words have given me comfort

A friend said you need to write down goals if you want your life to change. Even little goals. While i agree with her it's almost impossible when you feel this way. I was never the most organised of creatures to begin with.

 

[herbavore]

Sometimes I think lots of different circumstances intersect in life to make a certain age very difficult. I have noticed lots of people in their thirties struggling with confusion and a feeling of total disconnection from their lives (and themselves). I think a huge factor in this is that the larger culture encourages a sort of prolonged adolescence throughout the twenties yet still imposes this old roadmap of kids>house>successful career, etc by the time you hit thirty. No matter whether you consciously buy into that roadmap or not, it seems to get under people's skins in a troubling way. If you add to that mix, depression and anxiety, it can be a pretty lethal ego battering.

A lifelong practice of doing art has taught me to have a healthy relationship with criticism--but it took years to get comfortable with it. It's a balancing act still. On the one hand, it is important to know how to be open to honest criticism(the kind that moves you forward) and on the other it is equally important to disregard criticism when it is not useful(undermining). When the negative criticism is coming from your own thoughts and perceptions about yourself, sometimes something as simple as consciously changing your language can help. Instead of saying you 'failed' at something for example, you say, "I am still learning how to do this'. I also think that depression is completely undergirded by fear and your task is to understand what that fear is. At its most basic it usually comes down to an existential kind of loneliness along with deep fears of being unlovable. Learning to accept and have compassion for yourself is a lifelong struggle.

I agree with your friend about the goals. It could be as small as writing down one good thing that happened or one good feeling you had during your day every night before you go to sleep. The point is to shift your focus and thereby change perception. It can be hard to muster gratitude when you are in the thick of a depression but it can be a life-saver. Most importantly, don't project worry into your future--worry that something has fundamentally changed and that you will always feel like this. Life has kept on shocking and surprising me for 60 years now.

Hope you are feeling better today.