Venting life feels artificial as of late.

[r3claim]

Recently it feels like things are falling off the edge of the planet and nobody is noticing.
I struggle every day to connect with those around me; I am reminded consistently that people technically care but it never feels that way.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers around two years ago and since then It has made everything in retrospect that was previously fuzzy for me completely clear, and has also thus allowed me to relearn and better understand the ways my brain connects things together. I am surrounded by people every day, and yet in a room full of friends and family I feel entirely alone. I used to think it was the drugs, but I stopped the drugs and the feeling persisted.
I used to think it was the extreme depressive episodes but then I started different drugs and the episodes may have disappeared but the feeling still persists.

I fear I may remain in this moot point for the rest of my life; it is not that I am unhappy- it is that the monotony of existence is absolutely draining when it feels like you cannot connect to even your closest friends, or even your romantic partner.

Perhaps I could squash all expectations I may have of what life should and could be like- with no expectations comes no disappointment (I learnt that from my mother)
But I also know life can be good, I've felt it and I feel so incredibly fucking homesick for the good days to return.

I miss laying in a lovers bed not counting the minutes and hours that went by, just in each others company and warmth, safe.
The feeling of sun dancing across your eyelids as it peeks through the leaves overhead
Sitting in the back of an old pickup truck, feeling your hair whip around and the smell of a mid summer night

When I was a kid I used to catch toads with my siblings, we would wade around and jump up to our necks just to catch them.

I know it can be good, I know it can. So why can't it be good now? Haven't I worked hard enough? Have I not endured and endured and endured?
Life has spit on me, and called me insults while simultaneously hugging me and caressing my hair, telling me it will be okay if I just wait a little longer. It will be okay I promise, you will be okay-
you realize you've been slapped, and when you look up, you see everybody in the room staring at you like they absolutely just despise you.

I can't handle the back and forth, the monotony and unsurprises and letdowns and hurt feelings and alienation and and and
But I am too pussy to do anything about it, probably for the better, maybe not.

I just need to lay outside, have a coffee, listen to some music. It'll be okay, tomorrow is approaching.
Tell your loved ones you love them, that you are there for them.

 

[washingtonbound]

Recently it feels like things are falling off the edge of the planet and nobody is noticing.
I struggle every day to connect with those around me; I am reminded consistently that people technically care but it never feels that way.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers around two years ago and since then It has made everything in retrospect that was previously fuzzy for me completely clear, and has also thus allowed me to relearn and better understand the ways my brain connects things together. I am surrounded by people every day, and yet in a room full of friends and family I feel entirely alone. I used to think it was the drugs, but I stopped the drugs and the feeling persisted.
I used to think it was the extreme depressive episodes but then I started different drugs and the episodes may have disappeared but the feeling still persists.

I fear I may remain in this moot point for the rest of my life; it is not that I am unhappy- it is that the monotony of existence is absolutely draining when it feels like you cannot connect to even your closest friends, or even your romantic partner.

Perhaps I could squash all expectations I may have of what life should and could be like- with no expectations comes no disappointment (I learnt that from my mother)
But I also know life can be good, I've felt it and I feel so incredibly fucking homesick for the good days to return.

I miss laying in a lovers bed not counting the minutes and hours that went by, just in each others company and warmth, safe.
The feeling of sun dancing across your eyelids as it peeks through the leaves overhead
Sitting in the back of an old pickup truck, feeling your hair whip around and the smell of a mid summer night

When I was a kid I used to catch toads with my siblings, we would wade around and jump up to our necks just to catch them.

I know it can be good, I know it can. So why can't it be good now? Haven't I worked hard enough? Have I not endured and endured and endured?
Life has spit on me, and called me insults while simultaneously hugging me and caressing my hair, telling me it will be okay if I just wait a little longer. It will be okay I promise, you will be okay-
you realize you've been slapped, and when you look up, you see everybody in the room staring at you like they absolutely just despise you.

I can't handle the back and forth, the monotony and unsurprises and letdowns and hurt feelings and alienation and and and
But I am too pussy to do anything about it, probably for the better, maybe not.

I just need to lay outside, have a coffee, listen to some music. It'll be okay, tomorrow is approaching.
Tell your loved ones you love them, that you are there for them.

I was going to make a similar post on this exact topic. I've also been diagnosed with Asperger's, just turned 30, have no close friends or relationship. I've been running from myself for a while by traveling and putting off getting a real job, and it's not an effective escape method anymore. I don't particularly connect with anyone, despite having the desire to. I think those who or more introverted with or without Asperger's crave connectivity equally or more, just in a way that has meaning to them rather than just keeping up with the joneses. I don't enjoy partying anymore, seem to have more social anxiety as I've aged and as a result am alone almost all the time. Oftentimes I start becoming resentful of people which isn't healthy and I probably could use therapy to work through that, but I don't trust therapists at the same time. Anyway, don't mean to ramble but I think what you're feeling is very common nowadays even among people who aren't neurodivergent.

 

[marcoman]

I'll be 67 in June. The entire world is in turmoil. Something's gotta' give. Personally I think it's a Spiritual Battle of some sorts. Today's world resembles nothing at all to what I grew up in. Maybe ever old fck says that - but lately, since the Covid shit, things are really fkd up. There's not too many happy people it seems. Poverty, homelessness, sickness, suffering seems like it's at an all-time high. I look forward to the future and getting the fck out of here. Maybe some type of renewal is on the forefront. Better days my friends, better days. Love wins always.