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Letter to Illyana

S

SpeedLimit55

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 18, 2000
Messages
2,499
Location
GA
Hi angel.
I'm not really sure how to start this.
I guess I should apologize...I am sorry.
When I first found out mommy was pregnant, I admit, I was upset. I was scared. I've never been a daddy before. I'm not a very good son, how can I be a father?
But all that started to change. I started thinking, late at night as I always do.
Your mother, the woman I love with all my heart...she's carrying a miracle inside her...a miracle that I helped come to be.
Then I started spending time with your cousin, Dylan. Adorable isn't he?
Then we started getting presents. Grandma bought us that adorable green outfit...you know the one...with the ducks on it?
The days passed, the nights too...the one day, almost out of nowhere...I was excited.
"I'm gonna be a daddy."
For the first time I realized just how beautiful that is.
That anxious rush I had when I saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test: It was back.
But it wasn't alone this time...Joy...Tears of joy for the first time dripped out of my big brown eyes.
I started to think about all the fun times we'd have. Your first smile.
Your first laugh.
Your first crawl.
Your first step.
All the questions you'd ask me with those pretty eyes. I just knew your eyes would be blue like mommy's.
I imagined your tiny little hands...grasping around my finger.
I thought about holding you at 2AM...when you were crying.
Hell, I even thought about changing your diaper. Ya know I've never done that before, right?
I even thought about buying your first car for you...yeah...everything. I thought about it all.
I thought about not just being in a family...but having my own.
Taking care of all of you...your brother, your mom.
I'm so sorry sweetheart.
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean to be scared.
Please don't think daddy doesn't love you. Please don't think I had any regrets.
Illyana please, come home. Daddy loves you so much. I promise I'll never be scared again.
Remember all those things I said to you, through mommy's stomach?
"Daddy loves you".
I do sweetie, I really do.
I want to read to you...I want to rock you to sleep. I want to ground you when you break my stuff, when you come home too late...when you kiss your first boy.
I want to hold you tight when it thunders outside...when you and mom are fighting...when that boy breaks your heart.
I want to teach you about cars...I want to teach you how to cook...
I want to give you away at your wedding, but only to a man deserving of your beauty and charm.
My baby girl.
Sweetie please, come back to daddy.
Come back to mommy.
We miss you so much.
I guess I'm not much better at being a father than I am a son.
But I promise...if you come back...I'll try my hardest.
You'll never be alone.
Please sweetie...
Come back to daddy.
 
Life is very complicated. We are given tests throughout our life... not the kind you sit down and have 50 minutes to take and you get an A, or a B, or an F on... not the kind of tests that take 3 minutes and end in a plus or a minus... not the kinds that determine whether or not they will let you behind the wheel....
In life, we are given tests, to test our courage, our judgement, and our strength. but you dont get an A, or a B, or a + or a -.... you pass, or you fail.
neither is bad. passing means you are ready for the next obstacle. failing means you have something to work towards. failing means hope... for passing.
Life dealt you a test that was MEANT to be hard. it is to test your heart... to test your spirit, your mind. your strength... It's a test that will ultimately determine what your relationship is made of... and if it can withstand life's little roadblock.
Don't be afriad to fail. Don't be afriad to break down and cry, and weep, and let out all the sadness within you. It will only make you a stronger person... and it will remind you that not everything in life is fair, or easy.
You will look at Flower and be so thankful for what you have with her... for what you ALMOST had, and for what you someday WILL have.
Life makes it up to you. I promise you. I know what its like to look back at a day and time where you almost had another person there... and person that never got to see the world, or call you daddy, or make you a father's day card... But that little tiny person, that person that never was in reality, will remain in your heart always... and its something you will always share with Flower. a lot of people dont have a bond like that.
I hope that you can look at this positively. Life is too short to spend all your days weeping... instead, have hope for the endless possibilities the future holds. dont ever worry about forgetting about this day in your life... it was the first day of the rest of a beautiful life for you two. dont be afriad to embrace it with strength. you've already gotten this far.
 
I would hurt for both of you if I possibly could. Perhaps some lives are too beautiful and pure and bright for even this world. So it now falls on the two of you to make sure that that light is never extinguished - there is a beauty that comes from your love, and I know you both see it, but if I could only explain how bright it really is. Bright enough that it brings tears to my eyes, and I don't think my heart is big enough to hold it all. Your burdens are real, and not always what they seem to be. And your hearts are infinitely bigger and stronger than any I have ever seen.
 
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