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Legit reason to break up?

N

Ninae

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2010
Messages
4,522
To put it brief, I just ended it with a guy who was great in all other ways, or very compatible and fulfilled my emotional needs, because we're not really sexually compatible.

That is, I mostly want it for the emotional experience and he mostly wants it for the physical experience, even if he's very loving otherwise. I guess he's the kind who draws a line between sex and the rest of the relationship. i.e. he wants the relationship for the emotional expererience but the sexual relationship mostly for lust.

Of course I know this is very common for men, and a common difference between men and women, I'm just wondering if it objectively makes sense as it feels very confusing since I actually love him, I just can't be bothered with the pain.

Although I'm sure we could handle it more diplomatic and work something out I think it would make me feel unsatisfied that he experienced it differently. And too much sex like that just makes me feel used and unloved. Can see that getting pretty ugly.

P.S. I can hear the Nunnery calling, you don't need to point it out.
 
Sex with someone you love should be emotional and physical, but I don't get it. I mean what is he doing or not doing during sex that makes you think he's not emotionally involved? Do you expect every time you have sex with him that he says how much he loves you or something? Because that wouldn't be very realistic. I usually hardly say anything during sex and let the actions speak louder than words. =D Doesn't mean I'm not emotionally involved tho. Maybe you're misreading the situation.

NM looks like you already broke up.
 
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From what you said, nah, it's not a legit reason to break up - at most, a legit reason to talk things over for a few hours.
 
We haven't had sex. I just gather from the way he talks that's how he feels about it. And I don't want to be with someone who's only in it for the physical thing and only does the emotional thing for you. There wouldn't really be any point for me. And someone's sexuality is what it is, and not really likely to change, from what I've seen.

By emotional I mean:

1) Loving, romantic, spiritual, or whatever, the kind that gives you that kind of high but it's not about words.

or

2) Passionate, male/female attraction, domination/submission, which is also intoxicating to me in a different (more coarse) way.

Those are my motivations for wanting to have sex. So I don't really want to be with someone who only cares about body parts, genitals, and lust. I get that it's a strong drive for a guy and don't mind doing some of it for him. I really like giving oralsex, for instance, it's very emotional and I like being giving.

But I need to be with someone who's into it more for the emotional experience, like me, I know guys like that exist, even if they're few. There was a 17 year old guy who had a crush on me once who felt the same way and he felt so bad for me because of the way most guys are. I never touched him, though, but he actually really cared - he used to say "The main thing is that you're happy".

So there is some hope in the world, girls, I just fall for the wrong guys I guess.
 
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I'm just confused, I guess, as we do have love for each other and I would otherwise like to be with him. So it's a bit sad and I do have a bit of a broken heart. But I'm also interested in hearing how others see it.

By the way, I don't judge anyone for their sexuality, I'd just like someone a bit more compatible. So there's no need for anyone to write in to attack me or defend themselves.

But it makes me feel like a bit of a failure, as well, I guess.
 
You're panicking, it's okay, it happens. You're growing as a person and this is a good experience for you. The alternative is to hide away and that's okay too if you need to do that until you feel more comfortable, but maybe you have trust or intimacy issues you haven't worked out yet, and that's too bad but it'd be a shame if you pushed him away because of it. Rationalizing what is ultimately your decision by making it his fault is denial. I'm not blaming you, just saying that that's what it sounds like is going on. I would strongly advise you to see a reputed, real therapist to help you work out the issues that are keeping you from embracing your loving relationship. I know all about this - I worked through my issues and it took years but I had a LOT of serious trust issues due to childhood sexual abuse. You can do it. Don't turn to substance abuse to numb the pain and to avoid feeling these difficult feelings (like I did for years.) You're stronger than you think and you will be able to appreciate a good relationship and recognize a bad one.

Good luck!
 
Thanks for your support, I just think it might be a bit more simple, or that I should rather just be with guys who are more like me where there's no need to adjust to each other.

It is a bit tragic, as I have love and sex on offer by someone I's otherwise very compatible with, but it turns out he doesn't have much SEXUAL LOVE to offer, and I think it now might be time for me to realise that this is just a dealbreaker and don't fall for guys before I know if we're compatible that way so I don't have to go through all of this.

I also have some wounds in that when I was younger I had some relationship with guys who loved me but couldn't express any of that love through their sexuality. And that was very traumatic for me, as I have a strong sexuality and need to exchange with someone that way. So just a hint of the prospect that is how it's gonna be is enough to make me freak out, even if the other part is pretty innocent, in that they just are how they are and don't have anything to do with what I've experienced or how I am.

I think I just need to drop my expectations and don't expect anything in that way from anyone and just take it as a pleasent suprise if it comes along. I think that would be the mature thing to do, rather than having a breakdown and throwing a tantrum which affects the other person whenever it happens. It must be possible to inform a guy how I am early on, and hold back from getting too involved, before I know if we're compatible that way.

I could just say I'm not that interested in sexual relationships, or that I mostly just like it for the emotional experience, so I'm not compatible with most guys and don't always want a sexual relationship. Then he would know what he's dealing with and can make up his mind for himself how he wants to go about it. You never know, maybe some day I'll meet someone who genuinly feels the same way. At least I can't keep setting myself up for disappointment and heartache by falling in love and hoping for the best anymore.
 
Get yourself a nerd. He'll love you for who you are and treat you with respect, plus he'll pick up the check at dinner lol. Only thing girls don't like about them is they're boring. But they make fantastic husbands, fathers, and providers :-) But you can't inflict any drama on them or be using drugs or anything, they're usually not down with that.

Haha yes I am a nerd shamelessly advertising for my kind lol, but I'm actually serious. You'll be happy in the end. And that's what you want right? To be happy? :-)
 
There might be something to it, but someone doing it just because it's what I want and would rather be doing something else instead is just what I don't want.

I don't want to be "making love" to a guy while he wishes he was rather in a porn movie.

Some guys idea of romantic sex is buying you an expensive Valentine present and saying "I love you" while thinking how great it will be the next time when they don't have to put on a show. :(

That's just what I don't want, I could get that from this guy, but it wouldn 't be very satisfying.

Not everyone are interested in expressing and experiencing love sexually, their physical urges are too strong, and that's just how it is.
 
Were you planning on having sex more than once? Because it is possible to be in a relationship and have both your sexual desires fulfilled.

My partner for instance was away last week for work and when she got back we slow ground our bodies and whispered sweet nothings in each other's ears of how much we missed each other. The next morning I flipped her onto her knees, pulled her hair, came on her back before pushing her down and whispering "I really missed you, don't go away for a while".

Not every sex session needs to be a mutual mills and boon.
 
how do you know that he didn't appreciate the emotional aspect of sex as well? it's very possible that his ability to share and experience emotion is more developed, but that he's not aware/able to express that to you. do you have any examples of things he said/did that indicated he didn't have any "sexual love" to offer?
 
Of course as a man you have the luxury of choosing what to give her. That's a pretty ideal situation so it's not like you would have anything to complain about. It's a bit different for the woman who tends to have needs more in the direction of love and intimacy and just have to wait and and hope that's what he's in the mood for.

Saying "Not every time needs to be about love and being close" doesn't really help if that's what you need at the time or want from sex in general. That's one of the things that's off-putting about sex for women, that we don't know what we're going to get and kind of just have to make do with what we get, and I think men would be getting a lot more sex if you were a bit more like us sexually.

And I know it's not just me. I know a girl who likes to have one-night-stands for some reason and she says it's always a depressing experience. Of course one-night-stand guys aren't likely to have much to give but you should be able to expect a bit more from someone in a loving relationship who presumably loves you. It's just that many guys don't feel like using sex for that and would rather use the opportunity to satisfy other urges.

Anyway, knowing what most guys are like is why I said I'm just going to drop my expectations and don't expect anything, but just appreciate it if it comes along.

It's not even like I'm that difficult. I would be fine with letting a guy just use my body to get off 1/3 of the time. It's when that's all he wants or wants the most I have a problem with. Then we're so different it becomes pretty pointless.
 
Um, it's my girlfriend who enjoys the rough sex. Perhaps your partner is actually tender during sex but unless you gave him the chance you would never know.
 
iheartthisthread said:
Let me get this straight. You broke up with a guy that you got along with in every area but sex without first having sex?
Click to expand...

Well, I'd got a lot of clues by the end it. Once when we were talking about starting to have sex he said "We can do it the way you want the first night". That kind of gave him away and made me think "I don't really need this".

I know he just said it to make me happy but it pointed to a deeper issue which would cause problems in the relationship.

Arguing about what's it gonna be like? No thanks. Having an unspoken agreement we take turns doing what the other person wants? No thanks. Call me crazy, but I want it to be a shared experience we both feel the same way about.
 
One Thousand Words said:
Um, it's my girlfriend who enjoys the rough sex. Perhaps your partner is actually tender during sex but unless you gave him the chance you would never know.
Click to expand...

I also love it rough, but I like it to be intimate and emotional at the same time. Like getting slammed up against a wall is good. I love being dominated by a guy who can do it (there's only some it comes natural to).
 
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