I'm so exhausted but I can't even sleep. The last past days have been so hectic... From work and to nearly finding my friend dead. I don't want to explain the whole story but let's just say I came out of work to only rush up to the woods behind the mall I work at. From there I had to climb up this steep hill to the railroad tracks where I found my friend with this dude and she had vomit all over herself.... She was basically choking on it and became unresponsive.. I had to carry down the hill which was so hard since she was like a limp lifeless body and I still was in my work clothes (not suitable for climbing the area I was at). I then had to call an ambulance and her mother. It was one hell of a night. I only got home at 4 in the morning after waiting in the emergency room all night and then I still had to go into work at 12pm that day. Luckily I only ended up with bruises all over my right arm and she ended up being okay but still it sucked. I can't be dealing with all of her shit but in the end I still love her and will be there for her. It just scared me so bad when I found her and even I almost started throwing up because I thought she was dead and didn't even know what to do!!
That event on saturday night caused me to re-think things and it just made me say fuck all of this. I'm so tired of this lifestyle. I just can't do it anymore.... If I hadn't been at work I would of been up there with her. God only knows what would have happened. I also hated having everyone thank me and look at me as the hero (even her mother and sister) but the truth is I'm just as bad... If only I could change but no... I still have to be stupid and use drugs because I can't fathom being sober for the rest of my life. Its pretty pathetic to be honest. So pathetic to know that I can't live my life without getting high because I don't know what else there is to do... No longer does making art cause me to find happiness in life or any of my other old hobbies; getting high is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile as of now and I hate that.
I swear if things keep on going the way they're now I'm going to just give up. I'm going to just quit because I can't do this anymore. I just can't. This isn't what I want anymore. Life isn't what I want. I'm just so sick and tired but I still keep waking up each and everyday but what for? To only spiral down the wrong path some more? To still be reminded of how much a failure I've become? I'm just fucking about to say enough is enough; even though I basically am saying that now..... Its not as if I am depressed, well I am but in the end I mainly am just worn out. I need a break from all of this bullshit.
That event on saturday night caused me to re-think things and it just made me say fuck all of this. I'm so tired of this lifestyle. I just can't do it anymore.... If I hadn't been at work I would of been up there with her. God only knows what would have happened. I also hated having everyone thank me and look at me as the hero (even her mother and sister) but the truth is I'm just as bad... If only I could change but no... I still have to be stupid and use drugs because I can't fathom being sober for the rest of my life. Its pretty pathetic to be honest. So pathetic to know that I can't live my life without getting high because I don't know what else there is to do... No longer does making art cause me to find happiness in life or any of my other old hobbies; getting high is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile as of now and I hate that.
I swear if things keep on going the way they're now I'm going to just give up. I'm going to just quit because I can't do this anymore. I just can't. This isn't what I want anymore. Life isn't what I want. I'm just so sick and tired but I still keep waking up each and everyday but what for? To only spiral down the wrong path some more? To still be reminded of how much a failure I've become? I'm just fucking about to say enough is enough; even though I basically am saying that now..... Its not as if I am depressed, well I am but in the end I mainly am just worn out. I need a break from all of this bullshit.