Learning to feel again with aripiprazole.

[King-Anubis]

Hey everyone,

Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I've been meaning to update everyone on what happened but have never got around to it

Anyway, after the asprin 'incident' I was in the psychiatric hospital for only a couple of days - just until I could convince them that I wasn't suicidal and that it had all been a mistake. I must admit, however, the hospital blew away all my expectations. It was more like a hotel then anything else, not at all like the stereotypical asylum portrayed in the media. In fact, the short experience successfully stopped me fearing the 'madhouse'. I'd encourage anyone who is suicidal, and fears hospitals for the same reason I did, to not be afraid of committing yourself - if necessary. They are there to help you, after all, and I guess the last thing they'd want to do is make your life worse. The workers were there friendlyiest bunch of people I've ever met as well... besides one psychiatrist, who was a true white-coat through and through! xD

Once I got out, however, I made more then enough poor decisions. The first was taking 25g of Kratom impulsively, when my previous 'limit' was 5g. Throwing up after that would, frankly, have been merciful, but alas... No. After a few brief hours of morphne-like bliss I got to experience three days of incapacitating stomach pain and insomnia, which - unfortunately - brought on hallucinations and a day long panic attack. I contemplated more then once calling 999 (again) but resisted, if only because I was so consumed by pain that I couldn't hold a thought for more then a minute, and that I'd almost certainly be sectioned involuntarily this time. Needless to say I eventually passed out, waking up 16 hours later considerably better. I decided there and then to never touch Kratom again, I never particularly liked it anyway....

Without codeine, which I never got 'addicted' to physically, I turned to OTC drugs - taking way above the recommend limit daily until I saw a psychiatrist a few weeks later. There was no reason for me to be taking them, besides the deep rooted belief that they would make me better. So I kept taking them, although I did start cutting back to 'recommend levels' once my skin started to turn yellow. A recent blood and urine test has confirmed that my liver and kidneys aren't working as well as they could be, but that no permanent damage has been done... yet. I'm finding it more then difficult to stop, however. It's certainly not at the level as, say, heroin withdrawal but - psychologically - I've become 'addicted'. My psychiatrist and I discovered that I'm likely suffering from deep mental pain which, although I don't 'feel' it, is nonetheless manifesting itself as drug abuse. Painkillers in particular I've learned to associated with wellbeing, and so I continue to take them in the hope that somehow it will solve all my problems. This isn't the case, but it doesn't stop me from feeling terrible when I don't take them.

Nonetheless after seeing my psychiatrist I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. We talked at length about my drug use, and discovered that despite my permanent apathy (or 'emotional dulling' - one of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia) I am severely depressed. Although I don't 'feel it', it's there. To be honest it was weird to hear. I thought at first 'how can I be depressed? I don't feel sad', but when examining my life I can see how it's the case. I'm in so deep that I've forgotten how to feel. It's truly very odd.

Regardless, I've been put on aripiprazole 10mg in the morning in addition to the 100mg of quetiapine that I take at night. So far I've found the drug torturous, but not in a bad way. My bones ache and my mind burns, but I'm beginning to feel again. For the first time in years I'm starting to feel happy, but also sad, regretful and hopeless. The feelings are very, very mild and transient, but it's enough for me to notice. I'm not sure whether to jump for joy or break down in tears. It's almost too much to handle. It's been so long that I don't know how to react, and I'm overwhealmed by confusion ("What is this feeling?"). But I'm looking forward to the future.

So yes... I must admit, aripiprazole seems to be the drug I've hunted for all these years. I encourage anyone who can, and who may need it, to try it. It's very different to all the other antipsychotics out there, although it is *very* expensive (at £3.50 a pill, thankfully I get it free on the NHS, but if you do have to pay it will certainly dent your wallet). I was just wondering, has anyone else had experience with the drug? How did you find it?

Best of luck to everyone
- M

 

[Vaya]

Hi, King-Anubis. Welcome back! I remember your last post and am very glad to hear you're alive and well.

I'm also grateful to hear that you no longer fear the "madhouse." I've never been to one as a patient, but as an employee I worked my hardest to ensure all of our patients had the best experience possible and it was exhausting work. I'm so happy to hear that, like many of my patients expressed to me, the staff's efforts helped you know that you are a priority!

I don't have Schizoaffective disorder, but I've worked with plenty of people who have suffered from it and my roommate in college for 2 years had it, too. From all that I've gathered from my experiences interacting with those afflicted by it, Schizoaffective disorder seems to be one of those mental illnesses whose symptoms are largely illusory to the sufferer until that fatefel moment when they are able to view themselves and their behaviors objectively and without reservation. I applaud you for seeming to have reached that point yourself. NOT an easy accomplishment, my friend, and all the more reason to rejoice!

For mood stabilization purposes, I used to take aripiprazole (Abilify) at a dose of 5mg in conjunction with 100mg of lamitrogine (Lamictal) per day. Being, though, that Abilify is an atypical antipsychotic (and meant for those with more pervasive psychiatric diagnoses than my own - the generically named "Mood Disorder NOS"), I never really saw too much tangible benefit from it. I had the same experience with other AAPs such as Geodon and Risperdal; I never experienced too much of a mood lift, nor increased mental clarity, from any of them!

As you mentioned, they are expensive - albeit novel - medications and I was pretty disappointed. But I have seen tremendous results for the patients with both Schizoaffective Disorder and Schiophrenia who've used Abilify in conjunction with medications like Seroquel and Zyprexa. Within a matter of weeks, these patients' outlooks and their capacities for self-insight blossomed at remarkable rates. As soon as solid medication compliance could be established, it was far from uncommon to see these patients discharged to their families and external lives within two weeks.

So, for me, the evidence was (and continues to be) quite clear in favor of the efficacy of these psychiatric medication combinations.

If you're experiencing continued benefits from it, I *highly* encourage you to continue what you've discovered works for you!

I hope you can garnish more replies; in the meantime, continue to rock your newfound life, my friend

Much love,

~ Vaya