last kiss...critisize please :)

[wesmdow]

i dont usually write poems that rhyme, but i gave it a shot this time. what do yall think?

im quitting xanax (again), and its the most painful thing to think i can never, ever kiss her again... i am in tears. but i cant go on like this...

anyway, here my poem:

so soft were her lips
eyes flickering placid light
to touch her graceful hips...
locked lips feel so right.

i fuck up. i trip.
she saves me, holds me tight
even as i see colors slip
away, i cling with all my might.

looking down, eyes dart, dip...
thats when she BITES
throat drenched vile drip

i sit and sip
on beer and write
as if it could fix the rip
tearing my heart tonight.

 

[doofqueen]

Nice descriptions. I like how it flows from one feeling to a completly new one.

 

[up all night]

Rhyming and managing to say what you want to say is always difficult but I think this is a great effort! I can't rhyme to save my life.

 

[(Wordy)]

One of the things I respect about you, wesmdow, is that you're willing to open yourself up to criticism, in an effort to improve yourself as a writer.

And reading this, I also really respect the fact that you're willing to experiment and go out of your comfort zone - in this case, by employing rhyme. And I have to say, employing it with great results! The rhythm and variation is great, and as Yarni says, it's always tough to keep the message intact when you're having to worry about rhyme and structure - but you've managed to pull it off! I take my hat off to you.