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Last 2 weeks been a hell of a roller coaster ride

lozgod

lozgod

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2010
Messages
715
Ran out of money a week ago until next week. Went 5 days with notta, was sick as hell. Got 10 30s and a bundle of dope after doing some middle man hustling. Lasted me 3 days, went through another 3 days of sickness but it wasn't as bad. I actually slept pretty normally. Today did some middle man shit, got 7 30s. Did 5 today. Saving 2 till tommorow. Got my PM appt coming next week. Getting my normal script. It's a long few days away but it's coming. What I've noticed though is that the withdrawal while it sucks is not as bad as I go along. Mostly GI issues. Hershey squirts and vomitting. Some depression but not as bad as usual. My tolerance has come down.

It's been almost 4 years now since I started abusing opiates. I forget what normal feels like. In 08 I had 4 months clean from Nov till Feb 09.

I don't know if I ever felt normal during that 4 months. I made a suicide attempt about 3 or 4 weeks in to my clean time last time then the depression lightened up after being committed for a week. Then I got my life back on track. Got back on the opiate train.

I'm afraid I ruined my brain. Like normalcy will never return no matter how long I stay clean. I can actually handle the withdrawals I am going through now. Tomorrow I got 2 30's assuming I don't use them tonight. Then I got Sunday till Wednesday to go through withdrawal until I get paid again.

Can we return to normal, to the pre-opiate days? I don't know if I really want to be clean but I don't want all this up and down shit that comes with this life.

I wish I could go back in time and never get on this ride but I'm on it. I feel ok right now. I got 5 30's in me. Then tomorrow I'll have 2. Then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday will be hell. I got a few pieces of suboxone but am afaid to take them because the PM may pop me with a urine test and with the half life of that stuff I don't trust it.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life being a junkie. I got too much talent. I got too many people that care about me.

Has anyone made it out of this shit and returned to feeling normal again? Is there hope after the initial withdrawal? I remember having no real motivation that 4 months clean. I was lethargic a lot. I had no real sex drive. It didn't seem like like before addiction. Then when I relapsed it all felt right until the dependancy took back over and.... well I don't know if I am going anywhere with this. I just want my life back. I know I ain't alone.

For those of us on the wrong side, is there anyone that made it to the other side and got it together and got some hope to offer us in the belly of this ugly addiction?
 
I haven't had a habit for about 4 1/2 months. I've been a opiate addict for 6years. I do use opiates about 1x a week and not because I look for them, sometimes they just fall in my hands. Im still experiencing some paws symptoms, the ones that bother me the most is anxiety, chills while sweating under my armpits, depression, and lack of motivation. Im finally starting to get my life back together and each day i feel a little better. Staying clean is tough but it can be done.
 
absolutely yes there is a return to normal emotions and a sense of one's own dignity after the withdrawal rodeo. really easy to slip up and slide into cross addiction especially with booze or other central nervous system depressants though .

i have cold turkey quit heroin, booze many times and these were long term addictions . knocks the stuffing out of you but the '' up/down/up/down life of a junk addict is worse than the euphoria it once created .
 
absolutely yes there is a return to normal emotions and a sense of one's own dignity after the withdrawal rodeo. really easy to slip up and slide into cross addiction especially with booze or other central nervous system depressants though .

i have cold turkey quit heroin, booze many times and these were long term addictions . knocks the stuffing out of you but the '' up/down/up/down life of a junk addict is worse than the euphoria it once created .
 
try going to NA it has helped many people like you and me. No one is meant to be a junkie for life even if it feels like that.

I WISH THE BEST!%)
 
Dr.kush said:
try going to NA it has helped many people like you and me. No one is meant to be a junkie for life even if it feels like that.

I WISH THE BEST!%)
Click to expand...

I actually had 2 years clean from cocaine via NA. Cocaine was a walk in the park compared to this. I wish I stayed. Thought I was cured.
 
kush are you clean now? howve you been doing? whats the story man?
 
Has anyone made it out of this shit and returned to feeling normal again?
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absolutely. First line of heroin I did was at 15 yrs old, picked up a daily habit maybe 2 years later, than stupidly stayed doing dope multiple times daily till I got on methadone at 19-21. I still used heroin maybe 4 times weekly during that stage and eventually got off methadone by switching back to iv heroin. Shot dope till maybe 26, got on suboxone. The first 2 years on suboxone continued to shoot dope frequently. Eventually got my head out of the gutter and than continued to take suboxone for 6 more years [8 yrs total]. Not to mention other horrendous addictions. I could NEVER see I light at the end of the tunnel, truthfully I didnt care about a tunnel or light. All I cared about was dope my next fix give it to me now. What ever it took, no matter who I hurt I was getting it. I am really surprsied I am not dead or at the very least locked up for a long time.

I have used heroin a handful of times in the past 5 years, and clean from all opiate for 8 months [turning 34 OH FUCK, in a couple days] and FINALLY I am getting periods of time where I feel happy and everything feels good. Crazy insane feeling that I never even thought I could feel but yet always wished for it. Hang in there it can happen if you really try.

peace.
seedless
 
lozgod said:
I'm afraid I ruined my brain. Like normalcy will never return no matter how long I stay clean.
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Don't ever say this man, it's the ultimate excuse to carry on using. I used to say it all the time.

I am recovering from years of drug abuse and addiction and am slowly regaining that sense of well being! I'm nearly 4 months clean from it all, and it has been a journey of ups and downs, more downs than ups so far, but a balance is slowly being formed and the ups are getting better! It takes some people longer than others, but it's not a case of sitting about waiting to feel better, gotta put some action in, nothing changes if nothing changes. It's like so many people go to the doctors and say i'm depressed and get put on anti depressants when these people weren't "chemically in-balanced" they were just sitting about at home all day doing nothing expecting to feel happy all the time, I mean come on.

The power of positive thinking is also amazing, just think positive, put the action, work a recovery program maybe do things like CBT, brain training, anything you can get. All these things will help your brain recover faster and better, and I can promise you, you WILL feel better. I've seen people who have come out of 20 year crack/heroin addictions and regain complete contentment, happiness, well-being. You can do it man!
 
bagochina said:
absolutely. First line of heroin I did was at 15 yrs old, picked up a daily habit maybe 2 years later, than stupidly stayed doing dope multiple times daily till I got on methadone at 19-21. I still used heroin maybe 4 times weekly during that stage and eventually got off methadone by switching back to iv heroin. Shot dope till maybe 26, got on suboxone. The first 2 years on suboxone continued to shoot dope frequently. Eventually got my head out of the gutter and than continued to take suboxone for 6 more years [8 yrs total]. Not to mention other horrendous addictions. I could NEVER see I light at the end of the tunnel, truthfully I didnt care about a tunnel or light. All I cared about was dope my next fix give it to me now. What ever it took, no matter who I hurt I was getting it. I am really surprsied I am not dead or at the very least locked up for a long time.

I have used heroin a handful of times in the past 5 years, and clean from all opiate for 8 months [turning 34 OH FUCK, in a couple days] and FINALLY I am getting periods of time where I feel happy and everything feels good. Crazy insane feeling that I never even thought I could feel but yet always wished for it. Hang in there it can happen if you really try.

peace.
seedless
Click to expand...

I think Suboxone is great for putting one's life back together. I just don't want to continue with artificially adding opiates to my brain. I want to get back to functioning without the drugs. I don't judge those on methadone or suboxone. Either one vs being a heroin or pill addict is better but my personal goal is to be abstinent. My biggest concern with Suboxone is the horror stories I read about people trying to get off it. From what I read the PAWS seems to go on a lot longer than cold turkey from short acting opiods.

If it came to a point I couldn't get clean I'd consider replacement therapy but it would be last resort. I don't get in to the whole it is/it isn't really clean debate. Everyone has to live their own life and has to do what they have to do to get it together. If replacement therapy is what is needed to be a functional member in society I say go for it.

I'm researching stuff like amino acid therapies to get the dopamine and endorphins working again. Seems like a lot of promise there and they aren't expensive. L-Dopa, GABA, D-Phenylalanine, and a few other combined with adrenal supplements could make the PAWS more manageable on paper. Not sure how it would work out in the real world. Gonna give it a shot.

The bright side is my WD symptoms from going days without are more bearable. Still suck but not like straight agony. I ended up using all 7 of the 30's I managed to hustle up today so I am going to use 2mg of suboxone tomorrow if I wake up too sick to function. Hopefully it will be like it has been the last few days and just been GI issues and I can get some Immodium AD to cope and deal with the lethargy by manning up. I'm unemployed and collecting an unemployment check for at least another 4 months so I got time to try to beat this.

Defintely considering NA. It's just hard to sit there. I don't feel like I belong there. I got the intellect problem. I know this isn't a problem of intelligence. It's a illness that involves physical, mental, and spiritual aspects. According to NA anyway. It kept me clean for 2 years off of cocaine. I was involved, had a sponsor, was working the steps, etc. Got to the 4th step, and I guess it got a little too deep for me and I stopped going. Started drinking, smoking weed, then eventually got to the point where I am typing this post right now. Hoping I don't wake up tomorrow sick.

Another problem I have with NA is I am somewhat agnostic, not really agnostic but I don't believe God is outside of me I believe God is in me. I am what is known as Ausarian. I don't pray, I don't think God intervenes in our lives, we have to reach a point of spiritual growth until God's power is available to us. That is why little kids die, good people have bad things happen to them. God pretty much has no intervention in our lives. It takes like 10-20 years to get to that point through meditiation and other things. So the whole higher power thing isn't a concept I can grasp.

I'm just babling now, but I cold turkeyed before. I made it four months. Opiate addicts have a low rate of success because once we played with those receptors in our brains we fucked it up permenantly. I forget what normal feels like. I don't know if I ever felt normal till opiates. Something was always missing. In the begginging opiates made me feel normal. I finally felt socialble, was able to have relationships, then it eventually got ugly.

I don't know if anyone is reading to this point. I am just getting it out. The bottom line is I got a problem with drugs. My life will get worse if I don't stop using.
 
There is indeed hope. It took me a good six months of sobriety before I even started to feel remotely "normal" again, as in I wasn't depressed to the point of wanting to sleep my life away, apathetic towards everything, etc. Drugs can really fuck with your brain's chemical setup to say the least, and it takes it a lot of time to get back on track after years of drug abuse. It's hard to see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel when someone is at the point you are, but I swear on everything that it's there and it's entirely possible to make it back to normalcy and contentedness.

If you've reached a point where you're this unhappy and you've decided that you can handle withdrawals relatively easily, you should definitely give sobriety a serious shot at some point. Obviously you've thought about this plenty and it's probably needless to say any of this but hell, what do you have to lose by trying once more? Once again, I promise you that things can get back to normal for you, whatever that entails. You won't be the same as you used to be--that's a given--but this isn't a bad thing as people change, addiction or not. I even think it's a positive thing that addicts have been down such a long road as they have so much insight into life and what it means to struggle. This is knowledge that is so beneficial in the grand scheme of things and it's something I'm actually thankful for despite the fact that I would sometimes rather none of this ever happened.

I could go on and on about the fact that it's possible but I'm not going to because well, that would be entirely monotonous. I just want to emphasize the fact that it can happen and it will if you give it a solid shot. I'm gonna assume you're plenty young and have a long life ahead of you. Treat yourself to life without opiates and give it several months or even more than a year and you'll be so glad you did it =)

I really hope you feel better soon and good luck. If you need to PM me to talk about anything you are more than welcome to as I have been in your shoes and know exactly how you feel.
 
Yeah I totally understand the feeling of not feeling 'normal'. I find it hard to even get out of bed, and there are days when I literally spend the ENTIRE day laying in bed and watching TV. It's the complete LACK AND ENERGY and LETHARGY that gets me, it feels like a huge chore to even walk around the house or walk to my car, let alone go out and try to find a job or whatever. I am going to get 10 30's today, and just do 1 a day when I go out and try to find a job. I really think working full time will help me recover, just going to try and be a cook at a fast food place since that has the lowest amount of responsibility.

If things don't get better I have this crazy idea that I'll get real fucked up, like a shot of 10 roxy 30's, take a hand full of benzo's and maybe get drunk then kill myself. I don't see myself doing ANYTHIGN with my life. Makes me cringe to think of my mom finding my dead body tho, and the funeral and shit.
 
Well its been 19 hours. No withdrawal symptoms to speak of. Not even cravings. I know GI issues are coming. Little lethargy, no panic attacks. I think the days on days off thing was a successful withdrawal. Will report back but hoping I am past the acute phase.

Meddie, plenty of people have beat this. Suicide isn't the only option. I've considered it, tried a couple years ago. Thank God the closet rod broke. Would of been my sister that found me because we were sharing a townhouse at the time. She would still be fucked up. Let's beat this yo. It's gonna suck. No getting around it but it will get better. We could reflect back on this thread in 6 months and say wow I can't believe I felt that way then.
 
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