Thank you for clarifying. Naturally I'm my own worst enemy and assume the worst in myself and that others do to when I transgress. I still feel shame and guilt for expressing myself in a way that I understand can be traumatising for others, though I had no intention of making an arse out of myself and hurting people on my first day. I wasn't thinking right, clearly. I was a little to high and much to angry with myself for getting in so deep, being so weak, and tbh, tired of empty platitudes. I spoke from the heart and didn't consult the brain.
I assume I'm not the first person to have expressed feeling what it's like at rock bottom. I'm just not that smart. Yet I can be that dumb.
Far from trying to defend my actions, what I find somewhat disturbing in mental health discourse, is that we have acceptable rhetorical messages and platitudes in recognition of an individual's suffering. But there are (for good reasons) limits on what society at large are able to tolerate, for want of a better phrase, 'responsible advertiser acceptable messaging' that often fails acknowledge the thought processes of people in acute mental crisis. Often times who are the most vulnerable and closest to taking the final steps.
As a society we want to understand in a way that e feel society can fix. But the reality can be that the society realises that some people are too far gone to be brought down from the edge when it is often systemic issues that we're happy to live with, as long as we don't hear about them and can have someone interpret the events leading up to an incident such that it fits into an understandable category of mental illness, drug abuse, poverty, and so on. We move on with messages of thoughts and prayers, without understanding how and what steps a person took back and forward for goodness knows how long before we write their obituary as though we undertod them, without knowing anything about their struggles besides how we deem acceptable in a just, meritocratic world. Then we wonder with guilt, why? how didn't I see it? why didn't they tell someone how they felt? What could we do better next time? Next time will be just as surprising and ambiguous.
I'm not trying to justify my previous behaviour, nor suggest that what I said was too close to the truth anyone. I don't really know exactly what to say. I feel ashamed and guilty, much like I suspect I would had I made a failed attempt. But I do want to say thank you for your understanding and compassion, setting me straight on the time and place should I ever feel I need to blow off steam, and for taking the time and effort to reach out. I know I don't have the skillset or the courage to do that, and I just want you to know that it's deeply appreciated, and at this juncture I feel that way both you and
@Jerry Atrick handled the situation was effective. Both at getting the point across as responsible members for the safety and wellbeing of the community, weighed against responding to a person in an acute phase of crisis.
For what it's worth, I feel I have a little more resilience in the tank. And in the future, I'll certainly seek more appropriate methods of asking for help should I feel at breaking point with no escape. Hopefully it won't get to that. Well at least no so fast.
Much love and respect for all yous do here and the crap you have to deal with on occasions such as the one I presented. In all honesty, not that I feel deserving for what I said, but I have been treated with more dignity, respect, empathy, and compassion here as a blo in off the street who took a dump in the wrong forum than I have from numerous suicide/crisis hotlines. I won't forget the undeserved kindness I received here.
While my incident and fallout induce some feelings of embarrassment, guilt and shame it's tempting to comeback under another handle down the track. However, I won't do that, as I'd prefer not to forget that as this handle will serve as a constant reminder that there are good people in the world who would volunteer their own time, effort and skills to help out a stranger in a time of need. I'll be reminded of that whenever I log on, and will try to pay it forward where I feel I can be of use.
Thankyou, and take care.
