Knocking

[New]

Tears like lightning - dry but strong
Knees like thunder clap the ground
Sheets of flame like linen clothe me
Pins of light invade my pores
Fires lace my every nerve
Fingers pierce my scalp quite deeply
Evading the pain enveloped in me
Blood torrents down like waterfalls
Pooling at my thighs alight
My sight shieled by throbbing discord
Shoulders shrugged in burning sorrow
I'm drowing in my own dysphoric
Sensory hell without a cause
Cut off this life so torturous
Snap it clean like a pod
This immolation sticking to me
Screaming to release my breath
Hoping it never invades again
Kill me - purge me from this world
End my life while I still fight

 

[TheDeceased]

Very powerful stuff, I like it a lot. There's some great imagery throughout. For some reason it reminds me of the book of Job from the Old Testament.

I think it could do with a couple of tweaks, here and there, to strengthen it.

1. There are too many similes in the first couple of lines. "Tears like lightning", "Knees like thunder", "flame like linen". I like the images that these similes conjur up (as I like practically all of the imagery throughout) but I think they would be stronger lines if you re-arranged them so that they weren't all in that format. "Lightning tears" instead of tears like lightning, for example. I'd just take out "like linen" alltogether.

2. I would take out "quite deeply" (6th line) or change it to a more heated phrase, as it lacks intensity in comparison to the rest of the piece.

3. the 12th/13th line is the only line the poem reads as if it was one line broken into two.

4. I think you should change the hyphens to something else: maybe semi-colons.

 

[Dreamful~Nypmh]

Wow... that was amazing.

 

[New]

thank you. I can definitely see where your criticisms apply. I'll keep them in mind.