GoronusMaximus
Greenlighter
I'm not entirely sure if this is the right place, but I thought it would be helpful to vent a little bit and share my experiences with others. It's always nice to see some love and encouragement of course.
I'm attempting to kick an opiate dependence and do not think I've used any since taking a very small dosage (not large enough to keep withdrawal from beginning but enough to somewhat "ease into it") on Friday night. I was on suboxone treatment for roughly one year (and it worked great for me) but decided it was time to get off when I lost insurance coverage that had been paying for the meds as well as falling behind on payments to the doctor. He charged $25/wk and because I was being prescribed 16mg/day and had brought my dosage down to around 2-4mg a day, I hadn't needed a new script for awhile and hadn't seen him so I owed $300. My plan had been cutting down the strips with scissors and slowly tapering dosage to around .25-.50mg and then jumping off.
Unfortunately things didn't go as planned and I ended up tapering and jumping off much faster than I had intended and it was back to my old friends because of how scared I was about getting through it and how bad the symptoms would appear. I've never been a big fan of heroin (and I'm talking Philly dope, some of the best on the planet) or various opioid pills (WAY too much buck for your bang) and would turn to this if my other options were unavailable so I was glad to go back to poppy seed tea. It's cheap and somewhat conveniently available and a large enough dose can keep withdrawals at bay for up to 36 hours. The major problem is that it's very difficult to get off of as well as difficult to gauge dosage because of constant variability in doses. I've had batches before where a brew from one pound of seeds would produce a liquid that tasted like straight up medicine and would be unreasonably strong but this was a rare occurrence. Anyways...
While I was on suboxone, I went from a fiending dopehead to back to my normal self in a matter of about two days after starting it and would have no issues from there on out. I've had long periods of time (well over a year) where I've been able to use opiates without developing dependence but it only takes a small series of slips to change all of that and this nightmare begins. I simply am not comfortable being governed and burdened by something and the restrictions it places on my growth and ability to function. Continued usage and physical dependence leads me to act in ways that I am not at all comfortable with and tears apart the fabric of my life little by little. I've always been the "successful" type that's always had a full-time job and I've taken care of my son and given his mother (ex-wife) enough that she herself doesn't struggle. Even still, it's not a beneficial habit for me and I'm regretting my decision to come off suboxone so soon instead of figuring out a way to pay my medical bill.
I've been battling to get off for the past 6-8 weeks (basically the entire time I've been "back") through various means but didn't get very far outside of lowered tolerance. I've done inpatient twice, one where I stayed clean afterwards and one where I left early and jumped back in. I thought about hitting the streets of Philly to see if I could track down enough subs to do a quick taper (that does make it much easier) but I don't always have transportation and I've had a hard time before finding subs amidst all of the dealers selling crack and heroin. When I detoxed in in-patient, I was left with pretty rough PAWS both times, with mostly deep depression, aversion to stimulants (even caffeine), lack of enthusiasm, and very bad anxiety (anxiety was nothing I had really dealt with before that). I suppose you could say it was between 30-60 days when I started to feel somewhat like myself again.
Unfortunately, I no longer have easy access to any type of assisted treatment right now because I don't have health insurance anymore. Just going straight off is far too much for me because of work and the like (I'm a chef who can spend 12-16 hours per day on my feet on certain occasion. I'm sure there are those who would disapprove but I'm making it through with a little help. By pumping myself full of low-mid range doses of amphetamine, it prevents my mental status from plummeting and boosts me against the normally crippling fatigue. I'm actually hurting pretty bad right now with my guts, muscle pain, and (the fucking worst) restless legs syndrome but I'm pushing forward through it so far and have had success with this method before. Working a double shift yesterday was extremely draining and I thought of aborting but I really want to stick this through. I had only 2.5-3 hours of sleep from Friday until last night (this morning) and managed another 2-4 fractured hours with some Benadryl. The RLS has been varying in extremity but has made it almost impossible to get comfortable unless that I'm on my feet and moving around. Even when it's been one leg rather then both.
I can't say that I want recreational chemicals completely out of my life because I do enjoy many in moderation and owe some of the great memories of my life to them. I can say that I want more control in my life and ability to start forging a better path. I apologize for the long post but I'm grateful to any who took the time to read.
I'm attempting to kick an opiate dependence and do not think I've used any since taking a very small dosage (not large enough to keep withdrawal from beginning but enough to somewhat "ease into it") on Friday night. I was on suboxone treatment for roughly one year (and it worked great for me) but decided it was time to get off when I lost insurance coverage that had been paying for the meds as well as falling behind on payments to the doctor. He charged $25/wk and because I was being prescribed 16mg/day and had brought my dosage down to around 2-4mg a day, I hadn't needed a new script for awhile and hadn't seen him so I owed $300. My plan had been cutting down the strips with scissors and slowly tapering dosage to around .25-.50mg and then jumping off.
Unfortunately things didn't go as planned and I ended up tapering and jumping off much faster than I had intended and it was back to my old friends because of how scared I was about getting through it and how bad the symptoms would appear. I've never been a big fan of heroin (and I'm talking Philly dope, some of the best on the planet) or various opioid pills (WAY too much buck for your bang) and would turn to this if my other options were unavailable so I was glad to go back to poppy seed tea. It's cheap and somewhat conveniently available and a large enough dose can keep withdrawals at bay for up to 36 hours. The major problem is that it's very difficult to get off of as well as difficult to gauge dosage because of constant variability in doses. I've had batches before where a brew from one pound of seeds would produce a liquid that tasted like straight up medicine and would be unreasonably strong but this was a rare occurrence. Anyways...
While I was on suboxone, I went from a fiending dopehead to back to my normal self in a matter of about two days after starting it and would have no issues from there on out. I've had long periods of time (well over a year) where I've been able to use opiates without developing dependence but it only takes a small series of slips to change all of that and this nightmare begins. I simply am not comfortable being governed and burdened by something and the restrictions it places on my growth and ability to function. Continued usage and physical dependence leads me to act in ways that I am not at all comfortable with and tears apart the fabric of my life little by little. I've always been the "successful" type that's always had a full-time job and I've taken care of my son and given his mother (ex-wife) enough that she herself doesn't struggle. Even still, it's not a beneficial habit for me and I'm regretting my decision to come off suboxone so soon instead of figuring out a way to pay my medical bill.
I've been battling to get off for the past 6-8 weeks (basically the entire time I've been "back") through various means but didn't get very far outside of lowered tolerance. I've done inpatient twice, one where I stayed clean afterwards and one where I left early and jumped back in. I thought about hitting the streets of Philly to see if I could track down enough subs to do a quick taper (that does make it much easier) but I don't always have transportation and I've had a hard time before finding subs amidst all of the dealers selling crack and heroin. When I detoxed in in-patient, I was left with pretty rough PAWS both times, with mostly deep depression, aversion to stimulants (even caffeine), lack of enthusiasm, and very bad anxiety (anxiety was nothing I had really dealt with before that). I suppose you could say it was between 30-60 days when I started to feel somewhat like myself again.
Unfortunately, I no longer have easy access to any type of assisted treatment right now because I don't have health insurance anymore. Just going straight off is far too much for me because of work and the like (I'm a chef who can spend 12-16 hours per day on my feet on certain occasion. I'm sure there are those who would disapprove but I'm making it through with a little help. By pumping myself full of low-mid range doses of amphetamine, it prevents my mental status from plummeting and boosts me against the normally crippling fatigue. I'm actually hurting pretty bad right now with my guts, muscle pain, and (the fucking worst) restless legs syndrome but I'm pushing forward through it so far and have had success with this method before. Working a double shift yesterday was extremely draining and I thought of aborting but I really want to stick this through. I had only 2.5-3 hours of sleep from Friday until last night (this morning) and managed another 2-4 fractured hours with some Benadryl. The RLS has been varying in extremity but has made it almost impossible to get comfortable unless that I'm on my feet and moving around. Even when it's been one leg rather then both.
I can't say that I want recreational chemicals completely out of my life because I do enjoy many in moderation and owe some of the great memories of my life to them. I can say that I want more control in my life and ability to start forging a better path. I apologize for the long post but I'm grateful to any who took the time to read.
PAWS are awful to go through but like any awful experience, they are not without benefits for your life. Learning how to face discomfort, uncertainty, and a host of other bummers (from anxiety to depression to managing pain) is an essential part of developing inner grit; something that can be used to face the most difficult times in your future. Whether drugs play a part or not, life can get stressful and even miserable at times. Knowing how to ride those waves rather than thrashing around looking for a life saver is a great skill to acquire.
