Kicked the Meth addiction, now relapsing...how I got here.

[afriendoftina]

(my first thread)

I thought I would describe how I got to where I am, this is my story...

It all started with a healthy decision to lose weight. I was 5'8'' and 13st, which for my build and height was overweight, not horrifically so but in the gay world where only hedonism and aesthetics seem to matter it was fat. They always say you can be straight skinny but you're gay fat. Anyway, I hooked up with this guy on Grindr, went round his house and took my top off and he said "No mate, I don't do fat" which was harsh given that I wasn't that overweight and the phrasing was cruel - it has really stuck with me. I used it though, it became sort of the 'Christina Aguilera's Fighter' for my exercise programme. I lost 3.5st (~23kgs) in four months - the healthy way, at this time I had never tried drugs, and was so happy by the new year I went to a gay men's sauna. Here, I met my beekeeper who after fucking me gave me a free bag of mephedrone. I'd never tried it but I wanted to and so that's where it started.

It moved from saunas to chillouts fairly quickly but I was definitely a sex addict at this point and was using sex as a form of validation. I used to hate the weight but I'd lost the weight and now all I hated was me. I combined the two - drugs and sex - known as the chemsex scene in London and believe me, it is prolific. Dancing shirtless till dawn in a grotty but fun east London venue then pulling a guy, going to a group sex party dosing up on GBL and snorting Mephedrone for a whole weekend and then rolling into work on Monday and barely able to get through the day. I met my (then) boyfriend and we did this chemsex scene for about 8 months, we would work in the week and spend all weekend fucking and getting high at east London chillouts. My mind was conditioned that if someone went for me at a party, it meant I was worth something, the aim for me was to get as many as possible. The more guys interested, the better prize you are. But GBL is fucking risky, I G-ed out several times and was raped three times last year. It is literally a miracle I am not HIV+, statistically - I should be with the reckless chances I've taken. The worst health episode was a three-day hospital stay for orbital cellulitis - nearly lost my sight, nearly got meningitis.

Then I was introduced to Tina (Crystal Meth), which is what it's called on the chemsex scene. It was always at parties but I always declined, that was a line too far. But then I caved and had a blowback, then it escalated from there. All this time, my original beekeeper and I became closer and closer as friends. We have an inseparable bond and I cant be away from him for more than a couple of days without missing him painfully but with being a beekeeper come the bees - easy access, cheap as shit - barely a cost. I started to sort his life admin for him, his English is a little ropey at times and he struggles to write. I'm a personal assistant to an Education Director of a company so I can handle sorting out people's life admin and in exchange for this I got anything I wanted for free. Well, I chose Tina. I then started beekeeping on the side, I didn't need the money but I enjoyed it. I was incredibly OCD and had a complicated code of records and systems and failsafes. Probably the most pedantic and organised beekeeper in the world. Tina plus label makers equals a lot of wasted time. Beekeeping was overwhelming, it was hard not to get stung by the pressure of it especially after a 6-day binge and I have depressive and suicidal tendencies which are out of control sometimes, I go into pit of physical despair where I cant move or talk and I cant bear to be anywhere but an enclosed space with a locked door so no-one can get in but yet I hate the loneliness of it.

I had a complete breakdown having lost more weight, looking gaunt and skeletal and with meth face, I quit cold turkey for 4 weeks on the 28th January. I've started up again though, I managed to use coke, mephedrone and speed to keep me occupied off the T for that time but I have gone back and the habit is creeping up. I'm finding that I am losing more and more friends. My family are detaching from me and I am struggling to meet the demands of my job. I'm in therapy but I don't it's working and the citalopram have been a godsend but I feel apathy rather than depression. I'm still not happy. I can't be happy without Tina and my beekeeper.

I tried K the other day and I has really perked me up, experiencing the afterlife and leaning into death has given me a new lease on life. Something happened there that made sense and I felt good about myself for the first time in ages. I really think that so long as I don't get addicted to the Ket then I can use it to drive me forward to give me goals and hopes. I want to want to want to be here. I want to care about whether I'm here or not, but the apathy is sometimes overwhelming. Tina has reduced me to a shell of who I was and I don't even recognise the Tom in the mirror. Currently I am recovering from a particularly bad picking fallout where I spent hours with a metal tool I snapped off a ring-binder hammering at my face to clear my skin. Sore now, and have obliterated my skin, this will scar I imagine.

Thanks if you read through this - it feels nice to write it all out like that, sorry if I rambled. I'd love to hear from anyone who can relate to any of this?

AFRIENDOFTINA

 

[neversickanymore]

"No mate, I don't do fat"

Sounds like a real ass hat. I would try and avoid clowns like this. People that engage in hurtful behavior like this usually have a much creepier side. The abusive and controlling side. I would have looked at him and laughed. Then I would have filled his dish washer up with hand soap. Turned it on and left. Well thats pretty harsh, but we did that to this one guy who date raped one of the girls we were good friends with. he deserved i as this girl don't lie and the bubbles were pouring out the second story chimney. A few people have gotten the bubbles Fills the whole house. Funniest shit ever almost.

Is "beekeeping" slang for sex work?

The perfect way to lose weight and maintain a desired weight is to journal your daily caloric intake. A three hundred calorie deficit will loose you like a half kilo a week. But you will retain all your muscle weight. If we lose weight to fast the body will freak and consume the muscle first and save the fat in reserve. It does this because its thinking we are in extreme famine.

Many people have to be careful around the body image stuff. Because body dysmorphia and eating disorders can and are a very real., miserable and deadly issue.

I get you on finding self worth through others approval aka the better the person that we are fucking the better we are. But this is a respite for disaster in relationships. If we are with a good partner then we always sabotage the shit. Why, because the more times they deal with our shit or take us back the more they love us. The more they love us the better we feel about ourselves.

This also makes us very vulnerable to abusive people. The reason for this is that abusive people are control freaks. They use manipulation and violence to control us. If we are getting our self worth of the opinions of others then we a dependent on them. We give them full control.

IMO the root to some of your troubles is a morals and values thing. Not morals and values like some wack job religion. By morals I mean how is important for you to behave so that you are right with you? Values I mean what do you really value. Not your parents, not what the educations system taught you, not what some religion blathered. None of these things unless they are parts of whats right with you.

How this ties into the whole picture is that your self worth is currently being determined by the opinions of others. WHen a person want to fuck us that means they approve of us and then we can approve of ourselves.

Do you also have social anxiety or feel like your constantly being judged around other people. Not everyone, just the ones you respect or are attracted to.. and new people?

If so this is the same thing. The reason we always feel judged by others is we are judging ourselv off their opinions thoughts and behavior towards us.

When we identify and accept our own morals and values and live by them we assume control. We no longer care what others think. We live by our own hearts. The opinions and behavior of other people no longer effects us at even close to that degree. It just becomes some other poor bastards opinion.

The values aspect has more to it. If you value shallow shit like physical appearance then your life's going to be pretty shallow and miserable. Every one likes beauty. But their is some much more valuable things out there. When we find were the true value of us and this world lies then we get to laugh at the silly shit we used to think mattered.

We have to find out who we are and learn to love ourselves, before anyone else will love us. The most attractive thing on the planet is confidence. Once you have that you can write your own script to a large degree.

Nice work on cleaning up!!! You hitting the gym. Aerobic exercise is the best drug on the planet and it treats addiction, depression, and heals the brain from heavy drug use.

Hope this posts provides some help to you.


PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Aerobic Exercise
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. The Endorphin Factory
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out
exercise and sleep

Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction
Diet & Neurogenesis

 

[S.greenmann]

Switching the witch for the bitch

Really well written and a fascinating insight. Awareness is a key route into freedom, acceptance follows closely which I felt a real disconnect with when reading your post.

My understanding of addiction is;
Type 1. Chemically addicted or environmentally influenced.
Type 2. A gene built into your genetic makeup. A predisposition, a fully loaded gun. I believe natural addicts are almost (not always) certain to encounter an experience which triggers the destructive pattern of addiction. When this has been released, through whatever life occurrence we begin behaviouring, dealing and coping in the same manner as our anseisters.

Personal theory -
Type 2 addiction entails a constant need for extremities, we struggle to find the grey in situations, therefore unconiously live in a black and white mind frame 'all good' or 'all bad'. I understand a lot of people deal in this way, although I think for non addicts, it's been self taught as a copping strategy (which can also lead to type 1 addiction). I guess what differentiates a natural addict from a self taught addict is that, this thinking mentality is required for us to function and provides a barrier like block between oneself and what feels like the floor. For example; my last stint sober (8mth) I noticed significant evidence in this symptom of addiction. While sober, I walked on egg shells in order to uphold my sobriety, all was 'good' from the most miniscule daily functionalities, showering twice a day, room always perfectly clean and tidy, trying to act perfect, being overly helpful with house hold chores ect. Now, back in active addiction, I'm lucky to put myself in the shower once a week, my room is a big sty and all other perfected rules have fallen to the waste side and I quote Amy Whitehouse 'back to black'

I've witnessed many addicts turning to fitness and exercise as their way out, food, sex, shopping, gambling, people (switching the bitch for the witch) which of course escalates to unreal, unattainable maintenance falling back into 'all black'. From reading your post, I see a present representation of this symptom, your constantly switching your stance in order to over ride the other but in turn just adding another addiction to the list.

This constant struggle, cycle and pattern your engaging in sounds mighty exhausting. Note, you are currently traveling your journey of addiction, this is it, allow yourself to learn and grow. You sound as though you are seeking control over these substances rather then abstinence, guess seeking the grey? but your history has demintrated thus far absolute inability. Accept this for the moment and turn off that struggle switch your toying with.

Suggestion (if I may); write down all that are important to you in life and see if your drug use is creating a barrier for your ability to live in accordance, the further we live from our values the unhappier we are.

Tina, body dysmorphia and eating disorders are a hectic combination. Personally Tina gets me away from Ed my restricting, bingeing and perging addiction cycle. Watch that one.

That comment about your weight would have been heart renchingly painful! But accept it, it happened, he said it and it can not be changed. Your reaction to the comment can be changed however, leave that superficial comment with him, because thats clearly an issue of his, try and detach, see it for what it is, a substance-less individual who is most likely struggling with his own self imagine and idea of reality.

Hope this helps, all in good faith.

 

[afriendoftina]

Thank you so much for your response neversickanymore. I meant a lot seriously, that someone would go to that effort to write a reply. I've caused quite a few threads to end and when I was getting no responses to my posts I was starting to feel I was being rejected on here...but that's tina for you, makes you so damn paranoid. I thought you were spot on with your comments. You're better than my therapist and he's getting paid a shit tonne.

Sounds like a real ass hat. I would try and avoid clowns like this. People that engage in hurtful behavior like this usually have a much creepier side. The abusive and controlling side. I would have looked at him and laughed. Then I would have filled his dish washer up with hand soap. Turned it on and left. Well thats pretty harsh, but we did that to this one guy who date raped one of the girls we were good friends with. he deserved i as this girl don't lie and the bubbles were pouring out the second story chimney. A few people have gotten the bubbles Fills the whole house. Funniest shit ever almost.

Yeah he was an asshole, I can still picture him standing there as he said it. It's one of my go-to masochistic memories, those words replayed over and over and really affected me

Is "beekeeping" slang for sex work?

Sorry, Its what we call dealing in my circle - I shouldn't have used it as slang its not even that widespread...(your runners are called the drones, head honcho is queen - it's all quite funny.) Although I have actually been involved in sex work - not really for the money but for the thrill of having someone desire me that much. I think its why most of my exes were escorts -always drawn to that world.There are so many fucked up facets to my psyche.

The perfect way to lose weight and maintain a desired weight is to journal your daily caloric intake. A three hundred calorie deficit will loose you like a half kilo a week. But you will retain all your muscle weight. If we lose weight to fast the body will freak and consume the muscle first and save the fat in reserve. It does this because its thinking we are in extreme famine.

The one thing I'm really proud of is that I lost the weight before I even started drug use, I didn't lose it through the T. I worked really hard for that. Problem was that I had this new found aesthetic confidence which led to a cycle of very shallow validation - but it was a quick and easy feel good. Get fucked, feel like I'm worth something for a short time. It barely mattered who it was, the hotter the guy the more powerful the validation - it was messed up. I'm quite cognisant of that now and I've sort of killed a form of intimacy that sex used to be able to have.

I get you on finding self worth through others approval aka the better the person that we are fucking the better we are. But this is a respite for disaster in relationships. If we are with a good partner then we always sabotage the shit. Why, because the more times they deal with our shit or take us back the more they love us.

You've hit the nail on the head - I sabotage anything good in my life, I push and push until they reject me then I spiral into depression, drugs...etc. It's a vicious circle and even though I am cognisant of this, I am incapable of acting different.

IMO the root to some of your troubles is a morals and values thing. Not morals and values like some wack job religion. By morals I mean how is important for you to behave so that you are right with you? Values I mean what do you really value. Not your parents, not what the educations system taught you, not what some religion blathered. None of these things unless they are parts of whats right with you.

How this ties into the whole picture is that your self worth is currently being determined by the opinions of others. When a person want to fuck us that means they approve of us and then we can approve of ourselves.

Do you also have social anxiety or feel like your constantly being judged around other people. Not everyone, just the ones you respect or are attracted to.. and new people?

If so this is the same thing. The reason we always feel judged by others is we are judging ourselves off their opinions thoughts and behavior towards us.

Yes, exactly. I have spent my whole life trying to be the version or character that people wanted me to be, to look and act the way that they wanted. When I started with the drugs I let that slip and friends would say "we want the old Tom back" but there was no old Tom, he was just a charade, a figure that had no discernable personality of his own and just existed to meet the whims and fancies of those around him. I was such a pushover and would smile through gritted teeth so as not to be a nuisance and would keep all my society anxiety and pain inside because no-one likes a complainer. That's why it's so freeing to say these things now - I just haven't before.

My values? I feel hollow. I want to care but I don't and I'm not even sure I want to want to care. I feel numb, detached and mechanical and I move through life's tasks like a computer following its inputs. I don't know how to get happiness back. I'm not sure there is a Tom to save, I've spent my whole life try to please others that I've corroded any sense of self, I can't separate it out from what I anticipate others want.

When we identify and accept our own morals and values and live by them we assume control. We no longer care what others think. We live by our own hearts. The opinions and behavior of other people no longer effects us at even close to that degree. It just becomes some other poor bastards opinion.

The values aspect has more to it. If you value shallow shit like physical appearance then your life's going to be pretty shallow and miserable. Every one likes beauty. But their is some much more valuable things out there. When we find were the true value of us and this world lies then we get to laugh at the silly shit we used to think mattered.

The gay scene (certainly in LDN and I'd imagine elsewhere) is hedonistic and aesthetically oriented. Beauty and Youth are everything. There are huge social pressures for a guy like me to look a certain way, and the maintenance of this is exhausting expensive and I am completely neurotic about my appearance but not in a narcissistic way but because I use it as tool for self-esteem. It doesn't work, such validation is literally skin deep.

We have to find out who we are and learn to love ourselves, before anyone else will love us. The most attractive thing on the planet is confidence. Once you have that you can write your own script to a large degree.

Nice work on cleaning up!!! You hitting the gym. Aerobic exercise is the best drug on the planet and it treats addiction, depression, and heals the brain from heavy drug use.

You're dead right. I know it but I don't know where to go from the fact that I don't like me let alone love me. I think I have incapacitated myself from being happy. I used to love the gym, now I dont exercise at all because on the Tina I am constantly trying to keep my weight up. Eating the fattiest thing on the menu to get empty calories. I barely eat, I hate food. I hate water. I hate sleep. I hate everything that my body needs. Tina makes you just want her, and only her. I hate her for that, I've lost so much happiness because of her, only she makes me happy now.

Hope this posts provides some help to you.

This helped so much, helped me consolidate my thoughts even if they read depressingly. Ketamine has helped a lot as well, another potential danger on the horizions. but thank you so much for your post - made my day.

 

[S.greenmann]

Good to hear you've found some insight into your current battles. Haha nice to know I can provide a better understanding then your over priced physc and I think this is half the problem with treatment plans and phycologist, text book qualifications can never compare to the experience of an addicted life. I really enjoy dissecting addiction and mental health and shining light on aspect which you may be unaware. Feel free to msg if you would like to chat some more