This experience took place at a house party that I had attended, attended by about 10 people, all of whom I was comfortable with, having had parties with them before. The upstairs portion of the home was reserved for talking and relaxing; the downstairs portion contained the music and light setups for dancing.
Substances Ingested during the evening:
2 tablets MDMA
1 hit LSD
6-7 rails of ketamine (approx. 60-70 mg per rail)
Several hits of nitrous oxide
Very small amount of marijuana
After all of the party guests had arrived and we had set up the lights, at about 11:30 pm I consumed 1 tablet of MDMA and shortly thereafter I took 1 hit of LSD. Approximately 45 minutes later as I felt the MDMA began to take effect, I snorted approximately 65-70 mg of ketamine. I continued to snort similar amounts of ketamine at 30-40 minute intervals as the evening progressed. Around 2:30 am I ingested the 2nd MDMA tablet.
As I felt the second MDMA tablet begin to take effect, I snorted a larger amount of ketamine, probably roughly 100 mg. The combination of the MDMA and ketamine gave me a wonderful feeling of almost a pure "liquified" state. I moved into the upstairs room to converse with the others and as I did so, I began to perceive that the "universe" began to "contract". It continued to contract until I perceived that all matter contained within the universe was contained within the room where I and several others were conversing.
At this time, I started to perceive that the people in the room were carrying on a "scripted" dialogue; that is, I knew what they were going to say as, in fact even before, they said it, and each person's dialogue seemed to fit a certain "role" that that person was assigned to play(either an inquisitor, a "demon", or a comforter, as the roles would eventually play out, but initially the roles were primarily as inquisitors). I had experienced this phenomenon on several other occasions with ketamine, but in those instances I had become fearful of the experience and had panicked, fighting my way out.
This time, however, in an attempt to maintain control, I began to question the inquisitors (people in the room), looking at them slyly and repeating to them "You know!", to which they would reply quizzically, "Know what?" Since I perceived their responses to be scripted and I expected them to respond that way, this caused my mind to question what was at the end of the "contraction", in effect pushing me further into the "contraction" towards what seemed to me to be a "singularity". As I was still in a partially lucid state at this time, my mind began to search for what the "singularity" was-it was something unknown, an obstacle that my mind could not comprehend...(upon reflection, I have come to believe that the "singularity" represented the sum of all fears as manifested by the obstacles in my life I felt unable to overcome-in essence, the fear of death).
I again started to panic as I had in previous experiences, and I left the room to try to regain my composure. I went downstairs into the music room and sat down on a chair that had one of those vibrating massage cushions that someone had brought to the party. As I leaned back into the cushion, I perceived that the vibrations of the cushion matched the beat of the music. Although I was very relaxed physically, I continued to feel that I was approaching the "singularity" and my mind began to struggle to escape it. However, as I sat back against the massage cushion, I felt a sensation against my temples as if I was being "bolted in" so that my mind could not free itself (it felt like my head was being strapped into an electric chair). It seemed like the inquisitors were in effect saying, "Okay, you've escaped us before, but not this time...you're strapped in for the ride."
My field of vision suddenly changed from a view of the room and lights into a beautiful, grid-like matrix composed of thousands of tiny squares of brilliant colors, similar to a mosaic. The matrix then began to rotate counterclockwise, with the center sinking in to form a vortex converging to the singularity. My mind alternated between marveling at the beauty of the mosaic and fear of not knowing what was happening. At this point I perceived that my mind was altering the musical notes of the songs playing to conform to the emotions I was experiencing-as I experienced fear the notes became discordant and harsh; as I experienced appreciation of the beauty of the matrix the notes became wonderfully melodic (I did not recognize any of the melodies as an identifiable song). I let go of the thoughts of fear and entered into a kind of trancelike state. The feeling was almost indescribable-it felt like I was suspended in a warm liquid, floating as the sound waves gently washed over me.
At this point, the voices of the inquisitors reappeared and took the form of inquisitors, "demons" and comforters. Although on some level I was familiar with the voices as people I knew, each voice had a role to play and acted within the "script"-the ones acting as demons cued in me thoughts of life experiences in which I had failed through inaction or fear, triggering emotions of guilt and regret, and the comforters cued in me feelings of acceptance and comfort. When the demons appeared the music would immediately become discordant and unpleasant, and I would sense myself slipping from the trancelike state; when the comforters were present the music would again become beautifully melodic, and I would return to floating in the tranquil suspension.
My mind quickly began to sense the demons approaching, and it sought to avoid the discord to remain in the suspended state. However, a dialogue began with the inquisitors and I began to understand that I was expected to confront the singularity. This made me very fearful, and I tried to bargain with the inquisitors to allow me to stay in the melodic state for a while longer; I bargained that I would eventually confront the singularity, just not yet. The inquisitors let up for a short while and I remained suspended in the wonderful floating state.
The inquisitors soon returned, though, and began to insist that I confront the singularity. Fearfully, I refused, and at once the music grew more and more discordant and harsh. The inquisitors continued to insist and I continued to refuse. Finally, the inquisitors seemed to give up; as this happened, however, I noticed that the music was slowly fading. As the music receded, I began to feel that I was dying-the receding musical notes corresponded to my bodily systems shutting down. I felt fear but I still refused to confront the singularity.
Finally the music faded to a single beat, which I perceived as my heartbeat. The beat began to slow and I began to panic, thinking "I'm dying, I'm dying..." As the beat slowed, a voice I had not yet heard entered and began repeating over and over, "Just breathe, just breathe..." I perceived that a life support system/oxygen mask was being placed over my mouth, yet I still refused to breathe, thinking that by breathing in I was going to die. The single musical beat (heartbeat) had slowed almost to a stop and I sensed that at most a few beats were left. Finally, as the beat was just about to stop, out of desperation I breathed in from the mask...(I was told later that sometime during this experience I was given a hit of nitrous oxide, although I have no recollection of this-I think this is when I breathed in the nitrous.)
KABLAM! An immense explosion of energy occurred, accompanied by a blinding white light which completely enveloped my perception for several seconds. As the white light faded in intensity, I experienced the sensation of my body being completely rematerialized. I saw a plasma-like solution appear and materialize as my body; as I continued to breathe in, the plasma expanded and contracted with each breath, nourishing the morphing body. I entered into the plasma body itself, although I remained separate from it, and I found that it was composed of a seemingly infinite number of helical coils, extending upward and downward indefinitely. I zoomed into one of the spiraling helixes and I found that the helix itself was composed of an infinite number of link-selves-each link was my "self" in an unending chain. I could also feel that there was a separate life-force entity there, always present.
As I moved up the helix link by link, the previous link-self would expire, crying out "Forgive me!" and as it expired, the life-force entity would proclaim "You're forgiven!", whereupon a new link-self would be born, exclaiming as it was born, "Thank you!" I continued to move along the helix for an indeterminate time, in awe of the helix's incomprehensible complexity.
I also traveled down the helix and "conversed" with my previous link-selves, and from them, I was filled with a comforting reassurance that there was only one expectation that I had to fulfill-I just had to breathe and LIVE.
Approximately 1 1/2 hours after the experience began, I emerged from this state. I perceived that I had died, yet I was still here. I sat up and asked a friend sitting nearby, "Did I just die?" She assured me that I had not...
[ 31 July 2002: Message edited by: glowbug ]
[ 31 July 2002: Message edited by: glowbug ]
Substances Ingested during the evening:
2 tablets MDMA
1 hit LSD
6-7 rails of ketamine (approx. 60-70 mg per rail)
Several hits of nitrous oxide
Very small amount of marijuana
After all of the party guests had arrived and we had set up the lights, at about 11:30 pm I consumed 1 tablet of MDMA and shortly thereafter I took 1 hit of LSD. Approximately 45 minutes later as I felt the MDMA began to take effect, I snorted approximately 65-70 mg of ketamine. I continued to snort similar amounts of ketamine at 30-40 minute intervals as the evening progressed. Around 2:30 am I ingested the 2nd MDMA tablet.
As I felt the second MDMA tablet begin to take effect, I snorted a larger amount of ketamine, probably roughly 100 mg. The combination of the MDMA and ketamine gave me a wonderful feeling of almost a pure "liquified" state. I moved into the upstairs room to converse with the others and as I did so, I began to perceive that the "universe" began to "contract". It continued to contract until I perceived that all matter contained within the universe was contained within the room where I and several others were conversing.
At this time, I started to perceive that the people in the room were carrying on a "scripted" dialogue; that is, I knew what they were going to say as, in fact even before, they said it, and each person's dialogue seemed to fit a certain "role" that that person was assigned to play(either an inquisitor, a "demon", or a comforter, as the roles would eventually play out, but initially the roles were primarily as inquisitors). I had experienced this phenomenon on several other occasions with ketamine, but in those instances I had become fearful of the experience and had panicked, fighting my way out.
This time, however, in an attempt to maintain control, I began to question the inquisitors (people in the room), looking at them slyly and repeating to them "You know!", to which they would reply quizzically, "Know what?" Since I perceived their responses to be scripted and I expected them to respond that way, this caused my mind to question what was at the end of the "contraction", in effect pushing me further into the "contraction" towards what seemed to me to be a "singularity". As I was still in a partially lucid state at this time, my mind began to search for what the "singularity" was-it was something unknown, an obstacle that my mind could not comprehend...(upon reflection, I have come to believe that the "singularity" represented the sum of all fears as manifested by the obstacles in my life I felt unable to overcome-in essence, the fear of death).
I again started to panic as I had in previous experiences, and I left the room to try to regain my composure. I went downstairs into the music room and sat down on a chair that had one of those vibrating massage cushions that someone had brought to the party. As I leaned back into the cushion, I perceived that the vibrations of the cushion matched the beat of the music. Although I was very relaxed physically, I continued to feel that I was approaching the "singularity" and my mind began to struggle to escape it. However, as I sat back against the massage cushion, I felt a sensation against my temples as if I was being "bolted in" so that my mind could not free itself (it felt like my head was being strapped into an electric chair). It seemed like the inquisitors were in effect saying, "Okay, you've escaped us before, but not this time...you're strapped in for the ride."
My field of vision suddenly changed from a view of the room and lights into a beautiful, grid-like matrix composed of thousands of tiny squares of brilliant colors, similar to a mosaic. The matrix then began to rotate counterclockwise, with the center sinking in to form a vortex converging to the singularity. My mind alternated between marveling at the beauty of the mosaic and fear of not knowing what was happening. At this point I perceived that my mind was altering the musical notes of the songs playing to conform to the emotions I was experiencing-as I experienced fear the notes became discordant and harsh; as I experienced appreciation of the beauty of the matrix the notes became wonderfully melodic (I did not recognize any of the melodies as an identifiable song). I let go of the thoughts of fear and entered into a kind of trancelike state. The feeling was almost indescribable-it felt like I was suspended in a warm liquid, floating as the sound waves gently washed over me.
At this point, the voices of the inquisitors reappeared and took the form of inquisitors, "demons" and comforters. Although on some level I was familiar with the voices as people I knew, each voice had a role to play and acted within the "script"-the ones acting as demons cued in me thoughts of life experiences in which I had failed through inaction or fear, triggering emotions of guilt and regret, and the comforters cued in me feelings of acceptance and comfort. When the demons appeared the music would immediately become discordant and unpleasant, and I would sense myself slipping from the trancelike state; when the comforters were present the music would again become beautifully melodic, and I would return to floating in the tranquil suspension.
My mind quickly began to sense the demons approaching, and it sought to avoid the discord to remain in the suspended state. However, a dialogue began with the inquisitors and I began to understand that I was expected to confront the singularity. This made me very fearful, and I tried to bargain with the inquisitors to allow me to stay in the melodic state for a while longer; I bargained that I would eventually confront the singularity, just not yet. The inquisitors let up for a short while and I remained suspended in the wonderful floating state.
The inquisitors soon returned, though, and began to insist that I confront the singularity. Fearfully, I refused, and at once the music grew more and more discordant and harsh. The inquisitors continued to insist and I continued to refuse. Finally, the inquisitors seemed to give up; as this happened, however, I noticed that the music was slowly fading. As the music receded, I began to feel that I was dying-the receding musical notes corresponded to my bodily systems shutting down. I felt fear but I still refused to confront the singularity.
Finally the music faded to a single beat, which I perceived as my heartbeat. The beat began to slow and I began to panic, thinking "I'm dying, I'm dying..." As the beat slowed, a voice I had not yet heard entered and began repeating over and over, "Just breathe, just breathe..." I perceived that a life support system/oxygen mask was being placed over my mouth, yet I still refused to breathe, thinking that by breathing in I was going to die. The single musical beat (heartbeat) had slowed almost to a stop and I sensed that at most a few beats were left. Finally, as the beat was just about to stop, out of desperation I breathed in from the mask...(I was told later that sometime during this experience I was given a hit of nitrous oxide, although I have no recollection of this-I think this is when I breathed in the nitrous.)
KABLAM! An immense explosion of energy occurred, accompanied by a blinding white light which completely enveloped my perception for several seconds. As the white light faded in intensity, I experienced the sensation of my body being completely rematerialized. I saw a plasma-like solution appear and materialize as my body; as I continued to breathe in, the plasma expanded and contracted with each breath, nourishing the morphing body. I entered into the plasma body itself, although I remained separate from it, and I found that it was composed of a seemingly infinite number of helical coils, extending upward and downward indefinitely. I zoomed into one of the spiraling helixes and I found that the helix itself was composed of an infinite number of link-selves-each link was my "self" in an unending chain. I could also feel that there was a separate life-force entity there, always present.
As I moved up the helix link by link, the previous link-self would expire, crying out "Forgive me!" and as it expired, the life-force entity would proclaim "You're forgiven!", whereupon a new link-self would be born, exclaiming as it was born, "Thank you!" I continued to move along the helix for an indeterminate time, in awe of the helix's incomprehensible complexity.
I also traveled down the helix and "conversed" with my previous link-selves, and from them, I was filled with a comforting reassurance that there was only one expectation that I had to fulfill-I just had to breathe and LIVE.
Approximately 1 1/2 hours after the experience began, I emerged from this state. I perceived that I had died, yet I was still here. I sat up and asked a friend sitting nearby, "Did I just die?" She assured me that I had not...
[ 31 July 2002: Message edited by: glowbug ]
[ 31 July 2002: Message edited by: glowbug ]
