Keeping away from it.

[MissZee]

Me and my partner have been off Heroin for months now, we've taken it a few times (a couple of no prices bags now and again), but apart from that we've stayed well clear of it and stuck to weed.

I am proud of myself and him, we're both clean, both looking for work and generally in a good place atm. I'm staying at my Mum's and thing's here are going great.

But recently I've found myself thinking more and more about heroin. And it's really a pain in the arse tbh. The other night we were watching Trainspotting and he came out with "Man, this really makes me wanna get a bag..." and in my head I was like "PLEASE! PLEASE!!", but he didn't because he doesn't wanna fuck up everything we've done so far.
He was talking about it the other night, how he's wanted to get a bag but hasn't done it. And it makes me feel like shit, because I'm thinking that I'm not strong enough to do it. And then thinking like that makes me remember how easy it would be for me to get a bag rather than continue this neverending job search and constantly trying to prove myself to everyone (which is fair enough, because I fucked up).

I just really want one. Just ONE. And I know I could take just one and leave it for ages because I have done in the past.
I just feel really terrible right now. It's nearly a year since I watched my Dad die, something that really hit me hard. His last words to me were to stay away from Heroin, and believe me I want nothing more than to be able to say I made him proud. But sometimes all that effort doesn't have the desired outcome, and I just want to lie in bed all day getting high.

What can I do? How do I stop wanting heroin? I just cant keep going on like this otherwise I'm gonna crack!!

 

[RedBaron]

You must keep your eye on the prize, your view towards the long-term goal. You say that you could use once and just leave it, but you seem like you have an addictive tendency. Using one more time is a gamble that you don't want to be on the wrong end of.
Focus on getting that job and having a place of your own. It can certainly be a struggle, but it will be worth it in the end.
And don't watch movies like Trainspotting if you are trying hard to stay clean, it will only make it harder for you.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

^What he said. I watched Pulp Fiction the other night and I starting jonesing really really badly. Ughhhhhhhhh. That sucks because Pulp Fiction is one of my all-time favorites.

 

[MissZee]

Yeah I know, Trainspotting is one of my favourite movies as well, just a bit of a cunt that everytime I watch it, I want Heroin more and more.

It's strange because quite frequently I'll say to myself "Right, tomorrow is the day I get off my arse and actually try", then as soon as morning comes, I don't wanna get out my bed and would rather get wasted.

Don't get me wrong - I knew as soon as I came off it that the temptation would always be there. It was fine for the first few months but now I'm thinking about it almost everyday. I'm smoking weed but it's nothing compared to the feeling I get when I have a toot.

I hate this, I absolutely hate it!! A couple of years ago I would've done ANYTHING to get away from Heroin, I would lie in my bed everynight dreaming about what it would be like to come home and be with family. And now I'm here, in a really nice big house, with as much food as I want, basically getting everything I want - I just don't want to be here. I feel like because I'm struggling to find work, I'm letting my family down and my Mum might think I'm taking the piss and only here for a free ride.

I've always been the odd one out in the family. Even though two of my cousins were Heroin addicts, they were brought up with my Auntie being battered everyday and basically lived in poverty. However, I never wanted for anything, I was the only person in the family that ever had a chance of going to uni and making something of myself. They always had images of me working in a high-class office in a suit stressing about figures and statistics.
It all seemed like so much pressure. But now I realized I fucked up BAD and I'm trying to make it right. But sometimes I just feel like I should leave them to it, they're better off without me and they should accept that I'm never going to be the person they ever wanted to be.

Sorry about the rant, had to vent!!

 

[MindOverMethadone]

^You and I what I like to call 'special breeds'. I also am the ONLY person in my family who was given the opportunity to go to College and make something of myself. I fucked that up. The only reason I had y own place was because my parents moved out to the motherland and they didn't want me wandering the streets (which would have never happened). They paid for my phone bill, my apartment, my car insurance, EVERYTHING, except for food and recreational stuff. I was going from paycheck to paycheck, and if they had still been in the states, I definitely would have ended up moving back in with them.

Are suboxone/methadone clinics available where you live?