Just wanted to reach out.

[Ozekat]

So I find myself back at SL after a long hiatus.

Basically I have moved out of state and joined with a lot of family that I haven't seen in a long time, the good side of my family for the most part non-using side. I went to rehab on may 22 and got out 29 days after. The rehab was AWESOME, definitely an experience I needed.

So, obviously my sobriety did not last long. I used Kratom once, felt guilty then moved and fell into smoking weed. It was TERRIBLE, was making me very paranoid and unable to leave the apartment. I do not know how/why/what but chalk it up to changes in my brain chemistry over the years, most assuredly from all the meth use, but thankfully I put the weed down and haven't even dreamed of touching it since.

Guys, I'm sick of going to into using. I had crippling anxiety and depression, but alas ordered some Kratom and it helped me tremendously I was able to get a job and motivated to go into work. But obviously, yet again the Kratom. Gave way to my alcoholic tendencies and I made the big push to relapse on crystal, my true DOC.

Basically, I don't know what I want I really enjoyed stone cold sobriety but that was in rehab, seems as soon as I got out back to reality I caved and just started using again to get by. Unfortunately my coworker was feeding me Adderall, and that obviously sent me back running for meth bc the Addie's weren't strong enough. Had to go a the way or go home.

Even though I have a lot of family up here I feel so alone, I know what I need to do and that is get help and probably anti-depressant anyways I just wanted to reach out to you people on blue light and SL bc I know you know how it is.....I've kind of missed you guys in a strange way , very fond of these boards here.

I don't want to dig my hole any deeper. I know using will lead nowhere but still feel compelled to keep pushing my luck.

Sorry for the long-winded post, I'm really all over the place and a mess lately .....just moved to a new place new state don't know shit it's so easy to just stay holed up and strictly use/go to work rinse and repeat.

 

[simco]

Hey Ozekat...I don't know how I missed your post. I'm so sorry for the long delay in replying.

Relapsing soon after rehab is really common; it happens all the time. There's no reason that you can't jump right back into your recovery. It sounds like you've got a good mindset...you just need to find your footing.

As it happens, it was exactly one year ago today that I relapsed. I'd been out of rehab three days. I was so pissed at myself. But when I came back from that relapse, I finally felt like I had myself more together. And that was when I finally got some traction on my problem. You totally got this, man.

 

[cj]

Your story is so common. It's easy to be sober in rehab when stress is very controlled and there is very little temptation.

You need to ask yourself what it's going to take to get back on track. If it's rehab then go if it's moving somewhere else then do it. If you sit around and use then it will end up being some force out of your control which forces your hand.

 

[motiv311]

i did the same thing man , almost exactly as you.... I'm currently using and getting bad..... Just this last time i say! bullshit...

 

[herbavore]

Ozecat did you move back for work?

 

[Ozekat]

Thanks guys for finally responding. For awhile I thought either you all didn't give a shit or my situation wasn't dire enough to warrant any kind of replies....typical addict thinking. I'm glad I got responses though.

Herbavore, I moved out of my home state to come and support my mom and start over. Also my grandma is getting older and I didn't wanna waste anymore time not being where I need to be.

My aunt and cousin also live here, in this very town. Thus I have tons of family here it's pretty awesome.

To answer your question so I am working yes but it's a new job. It's actually going good I'm in a much much better mindset than when I first started this thread but anyways I'm still on a slippery slope.

We got rid of the coworker she was fucking up too much and not doing her job right anyway.

Did that answer your question?

 

[cj]

How are things going now OP?

 

[Ozekat]

It's going much better actually. I'm still eating Kratom though not as much. Trying to not have any before I go into work and just have some after.

There has been other issues outside of my addiction and substance abuse that have had to be addressed. Mainly the fact that since I've moved in and been supporting my mom she has been taking g advantage of me financially but it is getting better we have had several long serious talks about this issue.

Hopefully, soon I will be sitting in my very own place. It is impossible to take care of myself when I have to take care of my parents......Lord knows if I actually had their financial support where I would be right now.....used to it being backwards....

Anyway, cj I actually was on mental health and saw your post there I had posted but it didn't go thru. Long story short I really hope you can pull thru this difficult time and be better.

If I didn't have my Buddhist practice there's no telling where I'd be....it has functioned as, at the very least a source of 'damage control' thru my spells of drug abuse. And at the best it is a source of immense positive direction and joy.