Just want a normal life, still obsessing!!

[Opiatehell85]

Hey all,

i suppose im sinking back into depression again, need someone to talk to, writing on here helps a lot, sorry if I'm being a misery. Been on buprenophine since early Jan, 10mg a day for a huge painkiller addiction. Want so bad to be normal and live a normal life. First month was great, regular drug tests, all clean, I had cravings but fought them. Few weeks on cravings were so bad, pain in hip was back, I wasn't sleeping but managed to sort myself out a bit. Two weeks ago it all got too much, I stupidly took painkillers, they didn't work obviously so I think I've proved to myself that there's no point now and cravings have got better now I know I'm not missing nothing, but I feel incredibly guilty for doing it!! been doing great for past two weeks, but I'm depressed, I just can't shake it off. I'm on 30mg of mirtazapine, I did go up to 45mg but I couldn't sleep so went back down again, I'm going on holiday Friday, but not looking forward to it, its half term for the kids, but I don't want to go out. I'm fed up of being fed up, does anyone else get like this in detox? Is it normal? Instead of obsessing over painkillers it's now the bupe, although I don't feel any high or nothing from bupe so I don't know why I do it, I just obsess over everything lately, suppose that's my addict brain kicking in. I just want to be normal, take my medication of a morning an then not think about it again until the next day, even in work I'm thinking of it, it's really dragging me down to the point I feel like quitting! So bloody god damn hard!!

 

[manboychef]

Take a deep breath. Part of addiction is obsession. You are very new in recovery. You are in the first stage of getting your life back on track. Don't rush this, this is going to be the foundation for your recovery.

The best thing that you can do is talk about it. The more you talk it out with people that have gotten past, or minimized those feelings, the more you will be able to do so. This takes time and the desire to use never completely goes away. It only gets easier to manage.

I know it sounds cliched but just take one day at a time. Every craving, every time you feel yourself thinking strangely, take a giant step back and think it through to its logical conclusion. Write it down if you need to.

Lastly do you have a hobby? Do you have a way to channel the thoughts and feelings you have into something productive?

I am here, PM me if you need.

 

[cj]

I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty for taking a few painkillers that didn't even get you high. Like you said it was ultimately beneficial in showing you that there is no point in trying to get high while on suboxone. I actually think you should be proud of yourself for not giving in to a full blown relapse. Getting off opiates is not a sprint its a marathon. So cut yourself a break over the little slip up and try to use it as a learning experience.

I would say tat cravings and depression are the two largest issues for people in early recovery. They often go hand in hand like feeling depressed makes you crave opiates then it will flip sometimes and the cravings make you depressed. I dont really know any magic way to solve those feelings unfortunately but I do promise that both will get better with time. Once you start seeing the progress your making in recovery some of that indecision about whether quitting opiates was the right decision will pass. I really recommend you get into some form of counseling to help you deal with all these emotions that come out in early recovery.

Hang in there all there the things you are feeling are completely normal.

 

[My3sons]

I find mmt to be more effective for cravings. My first go around I did subs and didn't make it. Ended up having an awful 2 yr relapse. Started mmt in niv and am doing so well. I gained 15 lbs, very needed! I am happy. The beast is caged! Take my am dose and am fine until the day. Its great. Maybe try adjusting the dose?

 

[simco]

hey there! CJ nailed it: try not to rake yourself over the coals about a little slip. you did exactly the right thing--just re-focused and got back on course immediately.

you're doing awesome.

for what it's worth, i'm in a very similar situation. newly on suboxone. it's been a miracle for my cravings. but like you said, i do totally obsess over my subs now.

depression, obsession, compulsion... they totally suck. do keep writing, though. other folks on BL are here for you.

 

[Opiatehell85]

Hey all, thanks for your kind replies. It's so hard isn't it? I feel so guilty for slipping up yet atleast now I know it won't happen again, there was no point in wasting that money to feel nothing, so I'm over that now. Maybe I just got over excited that my life without drugs was gonna be amazing, when it's actually not that great.... Don't get me wrong the non drug seeking is fab, I don't miss worrying where my next script is coming from, I know that I won't overuse the sub as I don't feel much from them. I have thought about a dosage increase before, but stayed on 10mg, but now I'm finding that the 10mg is not getting me the full 24hrs, by morning I'm in withdrawal, which sucks! I was enjoying waking up feeling fresh. I'm going on holiday on Friday, I have rang rehab loads for my holiday script but they are so laid back I'm starting to get worried, it's hard knowing that going on holiday relys on them giving me my script or I can't go!! Will call them again today. Really does help to talk thanks guys! I have thought about mmt but I'm terrified of being dependant on methadone and then having to come off that, as I've heard it's really bad!! I do feel slightly better today, but I'm so up and down all the time I'm starting to annoy myself haha!

 

[manboychef]

take 5mg in the morning and 5mg at night.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You can also take a split dose with Tagamet (600mg), which will potentiate the buprenorphine significantly. You can insulfate it to also increase bioavaliability, or if you're working with strips wash your mouth out with an ethanol based mouth wash (Listerine) directly before taking your sublingual dose (doesn't increase the BA as much as insulfation, but it still markedly helps). With all those tools, the buprenorphine will definitely hold you. I'd be my rotten little soul on it.

A word to the wise however, don't take any more Tagamet than necessary, or for longer than necessary (in your case one week should do well to help stabilize you on the buprenorphine), as there can be some kinda weird side effects (though this seems to be more of an issue with men; taking 600mg for up to a week or two won't pose any problems though, even if it's twice a day).

EDIT: So now I see that you've been on buprenrophine for a couple months. Try increasing the efficacy of your Suboxone by taking it twice a day first (split dosing, if you've been taking 10mg take 5mg twice a day as chef said), then if that doesn't do it move on to the Listerine or insulfation methods, before moving on to potentiation via Tagamet. I say this because it sounds like you're trying to address obsessing over the effects of your dose. Now, I'm of the mind that until your cravings are dealt with properly it's difficult to make serious progress dealing with the obsession. And Tagamet will definitely reduce if not eliminate them.

However, it isn't a permanent solution, so just beware it will make you feel your dose in a new way (most likely it will be a lot like you didn't have much if any tolerance to it again, and make your dose last longer), so that could add to your suffering in other ways, possibly making it harder to actually stop when the time comes. That wasn't my experience, Tagamet and buprenorphine proved infinitely more useful than just buprenorphine, but it also certainly wasn't a magic bullet.

Keep that in mind, that while there is no need to suffer needlessly, eventually you'll have to face the issues in front of you if you want to move on. Tagamet sounds like it may help you, but it wouldn't be fair of me to make any such assumptions when dealing with highly addictive drugs like buprenorphine or addiction more generally.

 

[manboychef]

Bupe never helped me with cravings. I ended up with a rip roaring IV cocaine habit along with the bupe.

The cravings are something that usually are not helped due to the fact that it is a partial agonist. You are going to have to work on your coping skills.

 

[Opiatehell85]

You can also take a split dose with Tagamet (600mg), which will potentiate the buprenorphine significantly. You can insulfate it to also increase bioavaliability, or if you're working with strips wash your mouth out with an ethanol based mouth wash (Listerine) directly before taking your sublingual dose (doesn't increase the BA as much as insulfation, but it still markedly helps). With all those tools, the buprenorphine will definitely hold you. I'd be my rotten little soul on it.

A word to the wise however, don't take any more Tagamet than necessary, or for longer than necessary (in your case one week should do well to help stabilize you on the buprenorphine), as there can be some kinda weird side effects (though this seems to be more of an issue with men; taking 600mg for up to a week or two won't pose any problems though, even if it's twice a day).

EDIT: So now I see that you've been on buprenrophine for a couple months. Try increasing the efficacy of your Suboxone by taking it twice a day first (split dosing, if you've been taking 10mg take 5mg twice a day as chef said), then if that doesn't do it move on to the Listerine or insulfation methods, before moving on to potentiation via Tagamet. I say this because it sounds like you're trying to address obsessing over the effects of your dose. Now, I'm of the mind that until your cravings are dealt with properly it's difficult to make serious progress dealing with the obsession. And Tagamet will definitely reduce if not eliminate them.

However, it isn't a permanent solution, so just beware it will make you feel your dose in a new way (most likely it will be a lot like you didn't have much if any tolerance to it again, and make your dose last longer), so that could add to your suffering in other ways, possibly making it harder to actually stop when the time comes. That wasn't my experience, Tagamet and buprenorphine proved infinitely more useful than just buprenorphine, but it also certainly wasn't a magic bullet.

Keep that in mind, that while there is no need to suffer needlessly, eventually you'll have to face the issues in front of you if you want to move on. Tagamet sounds like it may help you, but it wouldn't be fair of me to make any such assumptions when dealing with highly addictive drugs like buprenorphine or addiction more generally.

Thankyou, I'm not one for insuffating, but I'd give the Tagamet a go, I'll do some research and see where I can get it. I've tried splitting doses it doesn't really help me much.

 

[Opiatehell85]

Bupe never helped me with cravings. I ended up with a rip roaring IV cocaine habit along with the bupe.

The cravings are something that usually are not helped due to the fact that it is a partial agonist. You are going to have to work on your coping skills.

Yeah im trying! I just try to keep busy, I've asked my key worker to put me on a coping course, but she's said they have been discontinued