Hey there,
First off, a month is a HUGE DEAL. Man, some of us still look at a week or two weeks as the longest we can go. Others it might only be a few days. A month is a long time for someone starting to move away from drugs, and if you've got a lot of complications in your life and you've still made it a month then seriously good on you. So among all of what feels like a shitty situation right now, know that you pulled something off pretty cool here by keeping it up for a month. I have not seen a month in probably 6 or 7 years, so I am jealous (though different drugs)!!
This sentiment honestly makes me angry. It's as if to some people, getting clean with buprenorphine is somehow "weaker" than going through it completely cold-turkey or whatnot. Just out of curiosity, how much does your mother actually know about Suboxone? Is she aware of how much different it is from methadone, which *dees* have a reputation for being really hard to ever fully quit. Do you think it's more that she's just not willing to be informed, or is it more like she wants you to learn a lesson through cold-turkey?
How old are you? I ask because if you are of a significant age, you could go behind your mother's back and get help with Suboxone. Of course this is contingent on your insurance situation (you have insurance, and/or still with your family on a plan, etc) as well as your money situation (if you say you have no job or transport, that's admittedly a bit of an uphill battle. But if you think about it, look at where the money you spend on dope could be going if you didn't do any dope? It might not equal the amount to really get up on your own quick enough so that you don't feel like you wanna relapse, but it could at least get the ball rolling. And perhaps show your mother that you've got initiatives (even if you might not feel inside like you really do - often this stuff isn't fun at the start).
Aside from your family, do you have other forces in your life which are forcing this "drug user" stigma on you? Do you have supportive friends, or perhaps siblings? Or is it to a large extent you placing the own target on your back? In any case, tons and tons of people, especially here on BL, see you as just a person who ran into some bad temptations. Not a "DRUG USER!!!" And really, though you might hear those who condemn any and all aspects of drug use louder than others, there actually are quite a lot of supportive and cool people out there in the world who understand temptations, difficult family situations, financial instability, etc. Don't feel alone, because that's when you start looking to the drugs for companionship, and often once that gets going you don't even notice real chances for human companionship passing you by.
I understand that cravings are bad, ya, but you probably have to at least be feeling a bit better physically, right? Anyway, keep us updated on how this pans out, if you've got any more specific questions, etc. I'm not an expert on opiate treatment, but tons of people in this forum know a lot and will surely be able to help ya out!
I've tried explaining suboxone to her, but it doesn't seem to get through her thick head. I need SOMETHING to help me. SSRIs increase suicidal thoughts and agitation to me. Benzos relieve my racing thoughts, panic attacks, and anxiety, but can increase cravings. Nothing works, and I'm sick of being a guinea pig. I am optomistic about bupe because it's maintainence, meaning I won't use to get high, and it's killed cravings and depression in the past. It sometimes seems the forces in life don't want me to have what makes me feel better, but want to make me a guinea pig. I have gone cold turkey multiple times, but it does NOTHING for urges and cravings. I'm bigger on mental maintainence than physical, and subs did the trick
I'm 23. If I were still making money, I'd have twice as few problems, but I am making zero. One of the big reasons I haven't used, besides fear of rebound anxiety, is I can't get money or transport. I'm a half ass, and I'm not going to the ends of the earth and spending pure gold to get a fix. I'd rather play some ps3 or download music. It won't stop the cravings or desire, but I have the ability to look into the long term, and pawning my items would leave me with long term misery over a short term decision
My ex is the main person. especially since she's dating, I'm sure she still labels me as a junkie heroin user. Even if others have gotten over it, she was the person I've ever been closest to, and what she does has a major impact on me that I can't shake, especially with her galavanting with a new bf who I feel replaced by. The other part is family and the law. My mom has told numerous people I'm a junkie heroin user, family and otherwise. Likewise, the legal system has too. Now it isn't that I really am insulted, but if I'm gonna be labeled something by powerful forces, I'll accept my damn label with pride. The only thing really making me want to stop is I don't belong in jail for consuming a substance. these stupid cops just want money and power, since they got beat up in high school. As far as my mom and probably ex go, maybe they do care. The thing is I don't. If they're gonna make me feel worse for doing something I don't see as wrong, I hope they get the fuck out of my life, cuz they've already cornered me into a hole, and especially with my ex I don't know if she cares or not anymore. Yet she can be happy fucking some other dude but I need to be arrested and "rehabilitated" for doing a goddamn drug?
I don't find companionship, I'm a loner. I want to be alone with my drugs, being able to fix up and listen to music, watch tv, or play video games made me content. Unfortunately, its illegal and bad, so I of course have a bigger problem than the ego tripping douche with a gun and a badge
Actually, I feel myself getting fat. I never liked how I looked, and now I feel like the weight I lost with heroin use is coming back, and being skinnier than most people, esp my ex made me very happy. Unfortunately, there's no doctor in this crappy country who could even have the possibility to put me on heroin/opis for societal based depression
thanks for responding!
