• ✍️ WORDS ✍️

    Welcome Guest!

  • Words Moderators: Shambles

just me

A

annajoy

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 6, 2004
Messages
25
I really don’t know where to start, when I was about 13 I started my period and shortly after my depression set in. I’ve only recently been diagnosed with aspegers syndrome and because of that late discovery it has made trying to pin point what the problem is difficult. This chemical embrace that was kicking me in the head was doing me in. I turned to food to comfort my aliments. Thus I gained 50 pounds went from 120 to 200 pounds. I hated the way I looked. Middle school more spsifically my 8th grade year was when the shit hit the fan. I rember running the mile for PE and the skinny popular girls purposely running behind me to taunt and tease me. “Hay thunder thighs” “yo fatty” things of this nature. I bottled all of this inside; layer upon layer socialization proved to be very hard through out the years so I turned to my studies and dived into my books. I was the “fat smart girl in the front of the class” when 9th grade rolled around it got worse, people would pinch my fat rolls in the hall way and I would have no idea who did it because they would leave so fast. So I went to Weight Watchers and made a goal to get back to my normal weight. 10th grade I had lost about 30 pounds people were starting to take note and because of this would ask me for tips, tricks of the trade “do you puke?” “Do you not eat?” I hated lunch time for one socialization had always been hard for me so I would eat in the bathroom crouched over on the toilet. 11th grade I was anorexic, that summer I got down to 110 pounds for my height of 5’8” it looked awful. My eyes were sunken my hair was falling out and my period stopped for those three months of that summer. When school let back in I was the popular girl all of a sudden. People asked me what size I wore it was embarrassing. 12th grade I started to cry a lot and scratch my arms up with my nails, I wanted out of all the hurting it was still torture to wake up in the morning and hit the floor To look in the mirror and look at myself and not see me at all but a fat blob. Freshman year of collage was very stressful so I turned to diet pills to stay awake, and cutting to ease the pain. My cuts started on the top of my arm and progressed down to the wrists. I would eat by myself and study by myself I loved it no one bothered me I walked to class and engaged in the discussions. Some of my favorite classes that I did well in were English and Bible. Oh God I love to study the bible its second nature to me. And literature is another forte. On those cold snowy days I would get books on Kurt Cobain and make drawings of him literally hundreds. I wrote a lot too, and read all the time. That was the year that “you know your right” came out and also “journals” I also read “heaver then heaven” about 5 times. I got every nirvana cd known to man and was then exposed to different styles of music but my poison of choice when I was working out was nirvana. People at the school that I went to were disturbed by the drawings, writings and things that I did. I would write messages in blood on the campus bathroom walls to scare the shit out of the next occupant. Fall of my sophomore year in collage was a nightmare, all I did was study and stay in my room my parents knew little of what was going on I worried the dean of women half to death. I went through about 5 roommates in just 3 semesters because of the cutting. I began to take up guitar playing and have been playing sense, its one of the few escapes that I love besides cutting. I was kicked out of school in the spring of that year and came home only to encounter ambulance rides to and from the ER. So now here I am typing these things out so that you might understand more of where I’m coming from.
 
First off....

Alot of people have to put up with shit like that. Hell my nickname was Fatty. It might make a little difference that I'm a guy, but fuck. I was fat as hell...I was up to 280. I was nicknamed Fatty in 8th or 9th grade...I alughed about it....Made fun of myself...But I like who I am..Maybe not necessarily how I look..But there's not really anything you can do about it except lose weight.

I had to use my will power..I biked 20 miles every day in 45 minutes..I roller bladed around the block..I ran laps....You just gotta keep pushing yourself, and realize it's all worth it in the end. You gotta have something to look for...I guess weight isn't your problem anymore...But instead of doing that retarded shit like puking your food up or taking pills, give yourself some inner strength and do it yourself, naturally, the way it should be done. Stop taking short cuts and doing the easy things. Life is hard. Get used to it. Stop hurting yourself...That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Start doing things for yourself, and be proud of what you do. It will give you self esteem and confidence in yourself.
 
^^ It's not always that easy. Most of the time you need a little bit of support, a little bit of light to help you out of the darkness. But yeah, once you get going, you realize how stupid you might have been. Different people take things different ways... She hurts herself to get away... You might use drugs heavly...

Just like with any problem.. there are people out there to be your light, your support, and help.

You wrote that beautifuly, and it had such emotion and power in it. I hope you get things figured out...
 
I use drugs heavily?

You don't know anything about me anymore....You're assuming.

You think you know me, but I've changed, and not for you.

Thanks for coming out though.

It's not always that easy?
Did I make it sound easy or something?
Did I have any support?

Hurting yourself doesn't feel good hence the hurting and yourself.

It's just a way to make yourself feel worthless because you think you are worthless so it makes you happy in a sick twisted way.
 
I didn't say you used drugs heavily. I said you -might- . Jump to conclusions? Yeah, you've changed. Good for you. People change in life. Good job. I didn't say you had it easy. I was more saying that's it's not always as easy as saying "okay I'm going to do this"

I didn't say hurting yourself 'felt good' and to some people, it might be their form of pleasure. Not saying that it's a good thing.

I'm pretty sure most people cut themselves to take away emotional pain. People cut for different reasons. It never made me feel worthless, but better afterwords. Gave me strength and weakness at the same time...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top