Just hoping someone can relate

[refractorygod]

Hi all,

Im new here but ive been looking at this forum for a long time. I know theres alot of people out there with similar stories to mine, and im not sure if theres a solution to my problems, but im really just hoping someone can relate.
So here it goes, ill try to keep it short.

I was born with a condition called Pectus Excavatum, which is where your ribcage starts growing inward pressing on your heart and lungs as your bones grow. Im 23 now, and ive had surgery to fix it, but as i was growing up in my teenage years, my PE began getting worse and worse and affecting my physical and psychological health until i was about 20 and realized i needed to do something about it. I was in denial about my health issues for years, and fortunately Ive had doctors who have been able to help me recover. But the surgery has caused me to develope an opiate problem. Which is what i really need advice or some kind of encouragement about.

I had always smoked and drank, and never had the intention of trying addictive drugs, because i was afraid id like them way too much, no matter what it was. However, To correct PE, The surgeon inserts two crowbar sized pieces of metal underneath the ribcage to press your ribs outward and reshape the ribs to the way a normal persons would be. Needless to say, its EXTREMELY painful and requires the bars to stay in for 2+ years to correct PE. After the surgery I was proscribed Roxys, Opanas, and Hydrocodone for several months. Initially i didnt have an issue with addiction, but I still have the bars in until next year, and ive had to have multiple other surgeries in the time being. So ive been prescribed strong opiates multiple times over the past 2 years. And now im addicted to them. The pain issue has subsided, but now that ive been on them for so long ive gotten to the point that its extremely hard to be happy or feel good without them. I was fairly miserable and felt shitty alot before i ever took any opiates. Im extremely artistic and ive always had a black cloud over my head. I play death metal and paint alot of really dark things. But whenever i take opiates i feel ok, and i work in the construction/repair industry so its almost impossible to avoid them, everywhere i go its all addicts, i cant avoid them. And like most others who are prescribed opiates for long periods feel, the high gets shorter and shorter so i eventually just started shooting them. Im not afraid of the risks of needles and foreign substance inside my veins, bc im living with two giant steel bars inside me and ive had so many ivs and injections from the doctors that i just dont care anymore.

About the only thing that compares to opiate high is having sex with someone that your in love with. Ive been in love twice and both times it ended in heartbreak and the sadness afterwards far outweighs the happy moments. Thats just a part of life though. But I do normal things. I went to college, ive had several jobs, i go to bookstores and coffee shops, I meditate at a buddhist temple, i meet women, and i work out at a gym. Even with all of these normal things going on in life, none of it is fufilling, except being in Love. However, theres nothing unique about my love stories, and like the vast majority of love stories, they end in sadness and heartache. I know ill fall in love again and whatever, but opiates are the only thing that make me comfortable and happy, and their always there for me. Ive seen so many people ruin their lives and die because of opiates but im at the point that i really dont care anymore.

I dont want to be an addict and keep digging myself into a hole, but im not sure if theres any way out of it. Its not like i started using and became miserable when i stopped, ive always been kind of miserable, either because of my health or other reasons, except for when im on opiates. and im not sure if theres a solution to any of it either.

Im just wondering if theres someone out there who can relate or give some encouraging words. Thanks.

 

[herbavore]

There is a way out but it is not immediate. You sound like you have two different issues right now (both hopefully temporary). One is the pain you are living with from the bars and the upcoming surgeries to remove them. So for now at least, addiction or no addiction, painkillers are a necessary part of your life. At the same time your worry about your love for the high that has grown beyond just a nice benefit of the pain relieving qualities the opiates provide is probably a very prudent one. I wonder if you could get some therapy paid for to have a (non-family) form of support for everything you are going through. You have been through quite a lot for someone so young. It would certainly not surprise me if some of what you are feeling stems from depression. Again, you have been through a lot and had to sacrifice a lot and perhaps your spirit is just exhausted.

What attracts you in life? I'm not talking about romantic love, but outside of that are there any other things that really spark your interest? Maybe finding some sort of creative outlet--something that is just for you. Not a vocation necessarily or anything that you feel pressured to be "good" at--just something which engages your body, mind and spirit. For some people it is hiking, or spinning poi, for some it is music, film or visual art. A lot of people that do not consider themselves artists also love learning how to use a potters wheel and work with clay. There is just something about the human endeavors that require us to use our hands and our minds but also put us into the flow state that is so deeply rewarding to the spirit.

 

[cj]

Hey refractorygod welcome to bluelight and cool screen name btw! Herbavore is spot on as usual but I did want to mention that there is difference between addiction and dependence. Without a dictionary Dependence- is your bodies physical need for the drug related to the down regulation of receptors. But it is a purely biochemical term there is little or no mental duress caused by craving the drug. Addiction- is the opposite. Its characterized by a mental need for the drug even if the physical need is removed.

Its important to distinguish the two because dependence can be treated with a nice slow taper once the docs have you fixed up. Where as addiction is long term and will persist even after the drugs are gone.

I just wanted to point that out.

 

[refractorygod]

thanks for your words. I guess to eloborate, ive always been a musician and an artist, but those are just outlets to release negative feelings without hurting myself or someone else. I went to Berklee college of music on a scholarship for one year, but had the tough choice of dropping out move home and have surgery ( which was absolutely necessary), or keep going another two years to graduate. I chose surgery because i was unhealthy and miserable, even though it meant i had to leave behind the new life playing music i had always dreamed of and my crazy beautiful girlfriend who was absolutely perfect in my eyes, because she loved me for who i was, even with an unsitely rib deformity. During the first months of recovery i had alot of days with nothing to do but think, which made the loss hit me hard. but in my downtime i learned to weld and got a decent job metalworking that i dont completely hate, so i stuck with it, and i still paint and write music. Ive toughened up since then, but ever since separating from my girlfriend (who i really loved more than anything), i keep adding names to my list of failed relationships, and love is not the same for me anymore. I love opiates now, addict or not, i have withdrawals when i stop, but i always end up right back on them for one reason or another. I fear the road i am walking on at the present, which i will not reach the end of for around a year from now. I suppose ill just stay tough and keep strapping my boots on at 6am everyday and going to work.
Thanks for your words though, maybe i will try some of your suggestions, i am open minded
Heres my music and art, not sure about your taste but you can check it out www.soundcloud.com/hitte

Just some honest reflections of my feelings through watercolor/ ink and wash. my favorite self portraits, in a sense

 

[herbavore]

Wow....I love the art--wish I could see it bigger. It looks like you might really like lithography if there is a community college or printmaking collective anywhere near you. I thought those were lithographs at first.

Sounds like you have a very broken heart on top of everything else.

One of the only great things about getting old is gaining perspective on my darkest times--they do not persist. I say that, four years after thinking that my life was virtually over after losing my youngest son to an overdose. I will never stop grieving for my beautiful boy and wishing that I could trade my long life for his short one, but love and sorrow, and the release of love in loss, have opened rather than shut down the world for me. There is so much suffering in the world (just read this forum everyday for a fraction of a fraction!) and yet I find myself at peace in the center of it. It isn't that I don't care or that I feel detached from the suffering; it is just that my son's death crushed everything but a desire to align myself with kindness. I had no idea the peace that comes with that, when everything else falls away.

 

[refractorygod]

Wow....I love the art--wish I could see it bigger. It looks like you might really like lithography if there is a community college or printmaking collective anywhere near you. I thought those were lithographs at first.

Sounds like you have a very broken heart on top of everything else.

One of the only great things about getting old is gaining perspective on my darkest times--they do not persist. I say that, four years after thinking that my life was virtually over after losing my youngest son to an overdose. I will never stop grieving for my beautiful boy and wishing that I could trade my long life for his short one, but love and sorrow, and the release of love in loss, have opened rather than shut down the world for me. There is so much suffering in the world (just read this forum everyday for a fraction of a fraction!) and yet I find myself at peace in the center of it. It isn't that I don't care or that I feel detached from the suffering; it is just that my son's death crushed everything but a desire to align myself with kindness. I had no idea the peace that comes with that, when everything else falls away.

I am very sorry for the loss of your son. I seen deaths all around me and i know there are no words that are comforting in reality, though i am happy for you that you have found a new sense of peace and i wish the best for you in lifes journey.
Thank you so much for being understanding, you have a good soul.