geekgrl
Bluelighter
I find it so hard being straight. I hate the feeling, I guess it's a mental health / learned behaviour / way to stop thinking. Or just a way of filling the void. What's everyone's thoughts and how do you handle it?
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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
Addiction Just hate being straight headed.
- Thread starter geekgrl
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Yeah geekgrl, i hear you.
For me it's that chronic boredom. That lack of stimulation. That high seeking induced by my first manic episode. The ritual and routines. The escape from problems to enjoy the moment.
I'm on probation with random drug testing until June, so i feel your pain.
But what can we do about it? For me, i need to fill my time. Work, Kitty, going out with friends..
Building up a healthy routine that keeps our mind off drugs, associating with sober people, and learning to invest our time into long lasting happiness as opposed to momentary relief, is hard, but in the long run it does help, IIRC.
I saw your post in mental health, about BPD. Chronic feelings of emptiness are a symptom, so i'm sure drugs fill that void quite nicely. And help to avoid hurtful feelings.
I also see a therapist, and that helps. It's like talking to my mom - sort of grounds me.
For me it's that chronic boredom. That lack of stimulation. That high seeking induced by my first manic episode. The ritual and routines. The escape from problems to enjoy the moment.
I'm on probation with random drug testing until June, so i feel your pain.
But what can we do about it? For me, i need to fill my time. Work, Kitty, going out with friends..
Building up a healthy routine that keeps our mind off drugs, associating with sober people, and learning to invest our time into long lasting happiness as opposed to momentary relief, is hard, but in the long run it does help, IIRC.
I saw your post in mental health, about BPD. Chronic feelings of emptiness are a symptom, so i'm sure drugs fill that void quite nicely. And help to avoid hurtful feelings.
I also see a therapist, and that helps. It's like talking to my mom - sort of grounds me.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
LOL.
It's hard.
It's hard.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
i used to feel like that. if i wasn't on something i'd be planning to be as soon as i could, til i got to the point where i was on it all the time. it got really boring by the time i'd lost everything but the drugs.
what do you do for fun? like what do you actually enjoy? what are your interests? what is important to you, other than using?
what do you do for fun? like what do you actually enjoy? what are your interests? what is important to you, other than using?
nuttynutskin
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 15, 2011
- Messages
- 10,736
I hated being totally sober and was convinced that I couldn't have fun without drinking when I was drinking heavily, but once I finally got some real clean time enough to get past the withdrawal symptoms things started getting better.
geekgrl
Bluelighter
Thanks everyone, I used to work full time till I lost it and caused real damage to myself during my last suicide attempt. But had I not been on tons of pills speed the night before and with benzos in my system perhaps I would have not done it. I lost a leg and had to learn to walk again. I do volunteering, I've just got a part time job, have people to see and stuff to do most of the time, but as soon as I sit for a minute I'm bored. Bored with life in general, I'm trying to do something about it, im in a better place than last year when I was rinsing hundreds a week on heroin and crack. But I've always hated being straight headed, it's why I smoke weed. Doubt I can ever quit that. I always thought pregablin wipes my brain but without it I can't function for pain now from my amputated leg. Trying to kick a H habit when I'm in pain is hard. But I'm making progress. I get bored, crave excitement then get into trouble.
I've been taking drugs for 24 of my 37 years alive, how is that ever something I can break, I've never had a real problem till I started on heavy opiates, NHS sponsored too.
Sorry I'm rambling on..... Not totally with it today. Shouldn't have been out partying on a school night
I've been taking drugs for 24 of my 37 years alive, how is that ever something I can break, I've never had a real problem till I started on heavy opiates, NHS sponsored too.
Sorry I'm rambling on..... Not totally with it today. Shouldn't have been out partying on a school night
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
wow that sounds really rough.
it seems completely impossible from where you are right now, but honestly your life will be better without heroin. when you stop, it'll likely feel worse for a long while before it starts to feel better.
there's other ways to get excitement, they just aren't quite as exciting. getting the fuck out of this country does it for me. animals. like even getting to see someone strangers dog while i'm out. reading good books, i read 600 pages last weekend cos i was desperate to find out what happened. learning something awesome. fixing a bug in my code. the problem with drugs, particularly hard drugs, is they fuck your perspective on what excitement is. throw in addiction and your rewired neural pathways and its a nightmare.
it seems completely impossible from where you are right now, but honestly your life will be better without heroin. when you stop, it'll likely feel worse for a long while before it starts to feel better.
there's other ways to get excitement, they just aren't quite as exciting. getting the fuck out of this country does it for me. animals. like even getting to see someone strangers dog while i'm out. reading good books, i read 600 pages last weekend cos i was desperate to find out what happened. learning something awesome. fixing a bug in my code. the problem with drugs, particularly hard drugs, is they fuck your perspective on what excitement is. throw in addiction and your rewired neural pathways and its a nightmare.
geekgrl
Bluelighter
What do you code? When I was working last I was a front end dev. Not done any real programming for years, I used to make games for mobiles before web. Animals are a big passion of mine. My 4 kitties are my world.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I can only speak from my personal experience as to some things that I've learned about myself in my ongoing recovery so it may not apply to you, but for what it's worth...
1) A lot of my drug/alcohol abuse was really just an attempt to self-medicate a lifetime of issues that I didn't know how to deal with in a healthy manner. These ranged from my own brain chemistry (anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.) to things like family problems and being bullied.
2) I always thought that "the grass was always greener on the other side". From Edgar Allen Poe to Jim Morrison to Kurt Cobain, all of my heroes died young tragic deaths. That seemed romantic to me when I was younger, but now it just makes me sad.
3) Sometimes there are worse things than being sober. I have more stories than I care to remember about things like waking up with no memory of the night before, covered in cuts and bruises, holes in the wall, car parked sideways in my yard, friends & family not talking to me, etc.
There's nothing overtly special about my night right now; I'm sitting in bed sipping coconut water and browsing the internet. Maybe I'll microwave an instant pizza and find and old B&W movie to watch later. But I'm safe, and I'm happy, and that's more than I could ever ask for.
Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
1) A lot of my drug/alcohol abuse was really just an attempt to self-medicate a lifetime of issues that I didn't know how to deal with in a healthy manner. These ranged from my own brain chemistry (anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.) to things like family problems and being bullied.
2) I always thought that "the grass was always greener on the other side". From Edgar Allen Poe to Jim Morrison to Kurt Cobain, all of my heroes died young tragic deaths. That seemed romantic to me when I was younger, but now it just makes me sad.
3) Sometimes there are worse things than being sober. I have more stories than I care to remember about things like waking up with no memory of the night before, covered in cuts and bruises, holes in the wall, car parked sideways in my yard, friends & family not talking to me, etc.
There's nothing overtly special about my night right now; I'm sitting in bed sipping coconut water and browsing the internet. Maybe I'll microwave an instant pizza and find and old B&W movie to watch later. But I'm safe, and I'm happy, and that's more than I could ever ask for.
Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
We are that cool. The key is to make the sober people around you just awesome and it will cheer you up.
Fun fact: I think all sober people hate being sober. There are a few who can do it sure. But they just put a face on. They keep it inside.
Fun fact: I think all sober people hate being sober. There are a few who can do it sure. But they just put a face on. They keep it inside.
nuttynutskin
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 15, 2011
- Messages
- 10,736
I don't think that's true at all unless they aren't working on bettering themselves. Just being sober obviously isn't going to solve everything.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I see a lot of bitter and angry people in the world. But thanks for the perspective brother 
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
sorry i completely missed this earlier! mostly python, to analyse biological data. its cool.
i have 2 kitties, one a very recent addition, and they are awesome!! i don't know how i'd have coped in some very hard times without my older cat, who i've had over 10 years now.
how are you getting on? is it your birthday this week? i hope you've managed to find something enjoyable and slightly more wholesome than usual to do!
geekgrl
Bluelighter
Birthdays! I hit the ripe old age of 38 on Monday, I've honestly been so smashed on most of my birthdays since my teens, as I'm sure you can imagine, I have always been quite greedy with the chems.
I actually ran out if gear on saturday, so Monday I was pretty straight headed, seriously running on very little oxycodone for pain relief and feeling a bit rough around the edges but ok. Other than the pain being an absolute bitch, I had a really fab birthday ,I met an old raving friend, went for cocktails and then to the theatre. Had a really, really, lovely day.
Been feeling a bit under the weather, due to the drop in opiates but also the nerve pain in my leg, so I've been quite lazy. I've got a blowout planned for tomorrow though, so probably means I'll be on it for a few days - birthday doesn't quite feel right without it. Im managing a few days on then a few days off the gear. I'm screwing my overdraft and been buying far too much crack lately and I seriously need to get that under control, again. Other than that I'm pleased I have progress, but not sure what to do about my pain levels, it's what keeps me cutting out all opiates.
geekgrl
Bluelighter
Deffo. Having great people who don't take anything are a great influence on me. I've met some brilliant people in the last few years. It's when I'm on my own, that I'm at my worst.
BK38
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2009
- Messages
- 16,137
You definitely, in some sense, become the people around you. I've quit Heroin (8 years clean now) and Meth (6 years clean now) and my life is infinitesimally better. I surround myself with mostly "winners" nowadays. That doesn't mean I don't go hard on occasion. Cocktails, coke, mdma, ladies, boys are all on the cards when I do decide to go for it. But I respect my mind and limits these days - and my body. That's the difference. I've pushed so hard against myself, trying to not be myself, that i forgot the inherent beauty within ME. My beautiful, gnarled, party-grinded, tested, soul. Know what I mean? You are your own worst enemy at times...
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Thx
SunriseChampion
Bluelighter
I replace it with getting fucked up on endorphins from sport and exercise. Which is probably just a healthier way of still not having your head straight, so maybe I don't know how to handle it at all.
Different sport for different kicks. A bit of stimulating adrenaline with the rock climbing or motorsports. A bit of the tunnel vision endorphin overload with footy. A bit of the relaxing (don't ask me why) flush with calisthenics. A grounding feeling with hiking.....with an extra kick when it's -20C outside.
And then swimming in the lake just feels so daaaaamn goood.
If I wasn't athletically-inclined, I reckon I'd have hit a serious rock bottom years ago and may have not even made it this far.