another_statistic
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2015
- Messages
- 1
As the sharp needle enters into my skin, to which it doesn’t even hurt anymore, I continue to go deeper until I feel a little pop, the tip has entered into my vein. I pull the plunger up carefully as the dark colored blood begins to flow into the syringe. I push the plunger down all the way then let go of my belt, pulling the syringe out at the same time. Jimi Hendrix is already playing in the background and then the rush begins to hit me. Wow. Oh my god, this is what I live for right here holy shit. The best feeling which is indescribable, as others always ask me, “What does it feel like?”. Fuck that for now, no bullshit thoughts, my high has just begun and I want to enjoy every minute, no every second of it. I love everyone, everything, it is just such bliss, life is complete. But to what extent you might say, and to be honest, I have no idea. I have hit the lowest of the low, I never thought it was possible to be here. A year ago I was sipping champagne on the beach of Miami. Now I can barely get twenty dollars to go get a fix. Why did it happen to me? Why me, why is this my reality. Did I let it happen? I suppose so. I have such love and passion in my heart it just wants to explode to show everyone that my soul is so vivid with color. I have these big visions for myself and what I can do with my passions which are music and film. Unfortunately I’m seen as nothing other than a junkie. People these days don’t care for the long story of how or what, they are short sighted. They see a man begging for money on the side of the street and they think, “Fuck that bum”. If only they knew his story, spend a couple minutes with him to just hear him out, because I will tell you, no one wants to be in that position which I have been in before. As I am writing this I cracked a little laugh looking at this paragraph, how the fuck did I get here? How did I end up so horribly broken on the inside. I am so broken, not even, I am shattered internally. I guess I am writing this as a way of coping and trying to reach out to find an answer. I have dreams every night of death, maybe its my subconscious telling me something. I love life so much, more than people know, including my family. I want to do so much, my heart, mind, and soul are burning, exploding to show my passions and spread the love in my heart to everyone. I just love to get high, and it has become a huge problem.
I constantly wonder what to do. I wake up in my mom’s house on the couch that I sleep on, with no phone, no computer, nothing at all, just myself. It is a terrible reality just sitting here all day alone, I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. I feel like no one even knows about my existence and if they do they know me as a junkie. Some tell me to just grow up, or be a man. I’ll tell you what, even though I have hit the bottom, I still consider myself a man and I won’t let anyone tell me different. That is the only thing keeping me from blowing my brains out infact. Knowing that I can maybe one day dig myself out of this deep ass shithole because I am a man. That is another reason why this becomes so embarrassing. But only others like me know the real struggle that comes with addiction. So what is my way out, what am I supposed to do. Sometimes I feel like getting high is the only thing I have in my life. That heroin is my best friend, my only friend. I feel that I will forever be mentally broken. This society that we live in has a lot to do with it as well. The older generation doesn’t understand the younger generation sometimes. I remember one day a cop gave me a ride home, because me and a friend stayed at a hotel, didn’t pay for the second day and tried to negotiate into paying for the previous day but staying for the current one. So they told us to leave in thirty minutes to which we agreed and out of no where police were knocking on my door. Anyway they let me go and I struck a conversation with one cool cop who I will never forget. I have a deep hatred for cops but this one had a soul, His vibe was very pure. As we pulled into the driveway he asked me, “What is going on with your generation, I mean why are so many of you young kids doing heroin.” I told him that it’s a complex thing and there is no true answer to it. Multiple factors have to do with it from my experience which I told him. Others might say something different, but we all have a common ground we agree on. We feel like society is backwards and that humanity, life, shouldn’t be this way. We have a more pure outlook on this life that we should love eachother, cherish eachother, love the world, but this society is built on slavery in short terms. For some its an escape, for some we just love the high. I will never forget that cop, and in the end of the day that, That… is what matters most. A wise man once said the most valuable currency in this world is the effect you have on others. I could not agree more. This cop is just another person existing in this world on a small scale, and I am just another human existing in this world on a small scale, but how he impacted my life and engraved this memory into me, I cherish it, I won’t forget it, I value it. Maybe someone will read this in the future and I can rub off on them in a way to which they will never forget and maybe it will affect their future. Man, I wish I could just say, fuck dope, and that’s it. It becomes different when you withdraw, a mind under withdrawals is completely different, but I feel a mind that is high is normal. When I have a fix and I am not sick, I think clear, I am myself, although some would argue. When I am sick, I can’t think straight and get so anxious it just decays my mind. I do truly want out, but trying to envision a sober life is almost impossible for me. I know for a fact, if I don’t stop soon I will either die or end up in jail for a while. I feel that I am getting near this edge, maybe a cliff, and I am just balancing on the end, I feel like I am gonna fall soon when my strength gives out. Sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone as open as I wrote this. Not holding back anything at all. My emotions are so mixed towards all of this. Mannn, the fuck am I supposed to do.. This lifestyle is terrible. Trying to get money everyday just to get high. My parents don’t understand that I didn’t want it this way, they think I purposely hurt them throughout this. They will never know how much I love them and how much I care about them. That my mind is just afflicted by a devil. Maybe if I die they will finally realize how much I loved them if they read this. Who knows right? I believe in a god but have my doubts sometimes. Although sometimes deep down I feel like believing in god is just a way to comfort your mind. Think about it logically. However I do pray sometimes, and I always wonder why I didn’t die in a car accident that happened about four years ago. Nine people in a jeep Cherokee going ninety miles an hour, hitting a forty-five degree turn, the car flipped around ten times. The car was totaled to shit, it literally looked like it was crushed. Everyone got out fine with cuts and scratches, except the mental trauma I suppose, but out of nine, me and one other person were injured somewhat badly, nothing fatal. My right hand got what they call ‘degloved’, which basically means it was sliced open pretty bad. The other guy was injured out of the nine people broke some ribs and was thrown out the car. Anyway point is, how come I didn’t die then, infact any of us. Sometimes I wish I did, I felt like that was my way out, because here I am writing this and suffering on a daily basis. I suffer so much it has just destroyed my mind on another level. I literally suffer every single day to where I just lay on this couch and cry. Yeah I said it, fuck it, I cry sometimes over this shit, if you wanna judge me then fuck you, societies stigmas these days. You don’t know hardship if you haven’t shed tears. You think I want to fucking cry? Fuck no. The only reason some people shed tears over hardship is because it has literally broken them to the point where they just let go of everything and let it out.
When you have been broken like that then you might understand my pain. I know, I think my life is so damn bad. Look at some of the lives in other third world countries where some people are born into slavery. Some people are tortured every single day, some people have been just murdered for no reason, or starve to death with no shelter for themselves. I hate when I say my life sucks because in the grand scheme of things, I am blessed compared to others. This is why I believe humanity wont last, some of us have a pure heart and soul while others are corrupted. I don’t believe there is hope for humanity in the long run. Greed will eventually wipe out the world. A wise man once said ,”I don’t believe in hope, screw hope, hope is a beggar, hope is weak. I believe in faith, hope walks across the fiery hot coals while faith jumps over it.” Man did that quote strike me in a way. It made me think differently about hope and faith, and to have a similar view as the wise man. You have to believe in something in life, have faith in something, otherwise you will decay mentally. Depression is a horrible place. No SSRI will fix that for you, and don’t let some doctor with his college degree tell you so. Anyway ill end it on this note, life is rough, its what you make it I suppose. Maybe I will find my path, whether that’s for me to be successful or end up in a grave, It will be my ultimate destiny, however good or sad. We all have a destiny, maybe it isn’t predetermined but time runs on a straight path, it doesn’t go back or forward so when something happens it happened and you can never change it, therefore it has become destiny. Lets find our destiny together.
I constantly wonder what to do. I wake up in my mom’s house on the couch that I sleep on, with no phone, no computer, nothing at all, just myself. It is a terrible reality just sitting here all day alone, I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. I feel like no one even knows about my existence and if they do they know me as a junkie. Some tell me to just grow up, or be a man. I’ll tell you what, even though I have hit the bottom, I still consider myself a man and I won’t let anyone tell me different. That is the only thing keeping me from blowing my brains out infact. Knowing that I can maybe one day dig myself out of this deep ass shithole because I am a man. That is another reason why this becomes so embarrassing. But only others like me know the real struggle that comes with addiction. So what is my way out, what am I supposed to do. Sometimes I feel like getting high is the only thing I have in my life. That heroin is my best friend, my only friend. I feel that I will forever be mentally broken. This society that we live in has a lot to do with it as well. The older generation doesn’t understand the younger generation sometimes. I remember one day a cop gave me a ride home, because me and a friend stayed at a hotel, didn’t pay for the second day and tried to negotiate into paying for the previous day but staying for the current one. So they told us to leave in thirty minutes to which we agreed and out of no where police were knocking on my door. Anyway they let me go and I struck a conversation with one cool cop who I will never forget. I have a deep hatred for cops but this one had a soul, His vibe was very pure. As we pulled into the driveway he asked me, “What is going on with your generation, I mean why are so many of you young kids doing heroin.” I told him that it’s a complex thing and there is no true answer to it. Multiple factors have to do with it from my experience which I told him. Others might say something different, but we all have a common ground we agree on. We feel like society is backwards and that humanity, life, shouldn’t be this way. We have a more pure outlook on this life that we should love eachother, cherish eachother, love the world, but this society is built on slavery in short terms. For some its an escape, for some we just love the high. I will never forget that cop, and in the end of the day that, That… is what matters most. A wise man once said the most valuable currency in this world is the effect you have on others. I could not agree more. This cop is just another person existing in this world on a small scale, and I am just another human existing in this world on a small scale, but how he impacted my life and engraved this memory into me, I cherish it, I won’t forget it, I value it. Maybe someone will read this in the future and I can rub off on them in a way to which they will never forget and maybe it will affect their future. Man, I wish I could just say, fuck dope, and that’s it. It becomes different when you withdraw, a mind under withdrawals is completely different, but I feel a mind that is high is normal. When I have a fix and I am not sick, I think clear, I am myself, although some would argue. When I am sick, I can’t think straight and get so anxious it just decays my mind. I do truly want out, but trying to envision a sober life is almost impossible for me. I know for a fact, if I don’t stop soon I will either die or end up in jail for a while. I feel that I am getting near this edge, maybe a cliff, and I am just balancing on the end, I feel like I am gonna fall soon when my strength gives out. Sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone as open as I wrote this. Not holding back anything at all. My emotions are so mixed towards all of this. Mannn, the fuck am I supposed to do.. This lifestyle is terrible. Trying to get money everyday just to get high. My parents don’t understand that I didn’t want it this way, they think I purposely hurt them throughout this. They will never know how much I love them and how much I care about them. That my mind is just afflicted by a devil. Maybe if I die they will finally realize how much I loved them if they read this. Who knows right? I believe in a god but have my doubts sometimes. Although sometimes deep down I feel like believing in god is just a way to comfort your mind. Think about it logically. However I do pray sometimes, and I always wonder why I didn’t die in a car accident that happened about four years ago. Nine people in a jeep Cherokee going ninety miles an hour, hitting a forty-five degree turn, the car flipped around ten times. The car was totaled to shit, it literally looked like it was crushed. Everyone got out fine with cuts and scratches, except the mental trauma I suppose, but out of nine, me and one other person were injured somewhat badly, nothing fatal. My right hand got what they call ‘degloved’, which basically means it was sliced open pretty bad. The other guy was injured out of the nine people broke some ribs and was thrown out the car. Anyway point is, how come I didn’t die then, infact any of us. Sometimes I wish I did, I felt like that was my way out, because here I am writing this and suffering on a daily basis. I suffer so much it has just destroyed my mind on another level. I literally suffer every single day to where I just lay on this couch and cry. Yeah I said it, fuck it, I cry sometimes over this shit, if you wanna judge me then fuck you, societies stigmas these days. You don’t know hardship if you haven’t shed tears. You think I want to fucking cry? Fuck no. The only reason some people shed tears over hardship is because it has literally broken them to the point where they just let go of everything and let it out.
When you have been broken like that then you might understand my pain. I know, I think my life is so damn bad. Look at some of the lives in other third world countries where some people are born into slavery. Some people are tortured every single day, some people have been just murdered for no reason, or starve to death with no shelter for themselves. I hate when I say my life sucks because in the grand scheme of things, I am blessed compared to others. This is why I believe humanity wont last, some of us have a pure heart and soul while others are corrupted. I don’t believe there is hope for humanity in the long run. Greed will eventually wipe out the world. A wise man once said ,”I don’t believe in hope, screw hope, hope is a beggar, hope is weak. I believe in faith, hope walks across the fiery hot coals while faith jumps over it.” Man did that quote strike me in a way. It made me think differently about hope and faith, and to have a similar view as the wise man. You have to believe in something in life, have faith in something, otherwise you will decay mentally. Depression is a horrible place. No SSRI will fix that for you, and don’t let some doctor with his college degree tell you so. Anyway ill end it on this note, life is rough, its what you make it I suppose. Maybe I will find my path, whether that’s for me to be successful or end up in a grave, It will be my ultimate destiny, however good or sad. We all have a destiny, maybe it isn’t predetermined but time runs on a straight path, it doesn’t go back or forward so when something happens it happened and you can never change it, therefore it has become destiny. Lets find our destiny together.
